--- title: "11 Married Quotes By Bill Maher" description: "11 Married quotes by Bill Maher. Plus more from Bill Maher and more Married sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2fb/bill-maher-211_boring_i-think-girls-hate-each-other-no-doesn-t_1523123.png" --- > [I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/i-think-girls-hate-each-other-no-doesn-t-always-mean-no-you-have-to/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2fb/bill-maher-211_boring_i-think-girls-hate-each-other-no-doesn-t_1523123.png) > [All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/all-marriages-are-same-sex-marriages-you-get-married-and-every-night/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3ee/bill-maher-211_equal-protection_all-marriages-are-same-sex-marriages-you_2899294.png) > [I ... would guess maybe about one or two out of five men is suited for marriage and probably four out of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/i-would-guess-maybe-about-one-or-two-out-of-five-men-is-suited-for/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9f6/bill-maher-211_being-married_i-would-guess-maybe-about-one-or-two-out_2186451.png) > [A Republican Congressman, Rep. Chris Lee, was caught flirting with a woman trolling for dates on Craigslist and sent her a shirtless…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/a-republican-congressman-rep-chris-lee-was-caught-flirting-with-a/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b5f/bill-maher-211_age_a-republican-congressman-rep-chris-lee-w_971832.png) > [McCain was introduced at the convention last night by his wife -- I won't say 'trophy wife' -- but she did $300,000…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/mccain-was-introduced-at-the-convention-last-night-by-his-wife-i-won/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/443/bill-maher-211_bars_mccain-was-introduced-at-the-convention_2444703.png) > [Your taxes are due a week from today. You can make out your check directly to Halliburton. Or you can do what…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/your-taxes-are-due-a-week-from-today-you-can-make-out-your-check/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/644/bill-maher-211_can-do_your-taxes-are-due-a-week-from-today-you_2948354.png) > [Married men live longer. Yes. And an indoor cat also lives longer. It's a furball with a broken spirit, that can only…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/married-men-live-longer-yes-and-an-indoor-cat-also-lives-longer-it-s/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e5f/bill-maher-211_broken_married-men-live-longer-yes-and-an-indoo_2637419.png) > [When the tabloids photograph me when I'm out, I always say: "You know what, folks? I'm not married and I'm not gay.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/when-the-tabloids-photograph-me-when-i-m-out-i-always-say-you-know/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7e0/bill-maher-211_caught_when-the-tabloids-photograph-me-when-i-m_202757.png) > [New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/new-rule-gay-marriage-won-t-lead-to-dog-marriage-it-is-not-a-slippery/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f2f/bill-maher-211_clauses_new-rule-gay-marriage-won-t-lead-to-dog_2493628.jpg) > [New Rule: If you still think Obama is a Muslim, you just might be a redneck. A Christian church in South Carolina…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/new-rule-if-you-still-think-obama-is-a-muslim-you-just-might-be-a/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/807/bill-maher-211_brother_new-rule-if-you-still-think-obama-is-a-m_1500788.jpg) > [Naturally the smart thing to do to solve your economic woes is to demonize the Democrats. And of course, Sarah Palin is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/naturally-the-smart-thing-to-do-to-solve-your-economic-woes-is-to/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/214/bill-maher-211_blessed_naturally-the-smart-thing-to-do-to-solve_954823.png) ## Other authors on Married ## More by Bill Maher > [A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/a-lot-of-people-say-they-are-dyslexic-some-have-to-realize-that-they/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) > [I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad's room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/i-saw-this-anti-drug-commercial-that-showed-a-kid-smoking-pot-in-his/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) > [To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/to-all-conservative-women-out-there-if-you-are-so-sure-the-embryo/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) > [Curious people are intersting people, I wonder why that is.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/curious-people-are-intersting-people-i-wonder-why-that-is/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) > [You see, the difference is the Republicans' hatred of Obama is based on a paranoid feeling about what he might do, what he's thinking,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/you-see-the-difference-is-the-republicans-hatred-of-obama-is-based-on/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) > [The food is out of this world!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/the-food-is-out-of-this-world/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) > [New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/new-rule-there-is-no-devil-so-stop-blaming-your-screw-ups-on-him-last/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) > [If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/if-we-were-a-dog-and-god-owned-us-the-cops-would-come-and-take-us-away/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) > [“New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/new-rule-the-white-house-doesn-t-have-to-release-the-dead-bin-laden/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) > [I think religion is bad and drugs are good.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/i-think-religion-is-bad-and-drugs-are-good/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) > [I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/i-don-t-hate-america-i-love-america-i-want-it-to-be-better-the-only/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) > [“New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/new-rule-americans-must-realize-what-makes-nfl-football-so-great/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) > [So many kids are fat drug addicts these days, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/so-many-kids-are-fat-drug-addicts-these-days-it-s-almost-as-if-rush/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) > [What we don't know is about Jeb Bush and cocaine. But we do know that he did once had his brother Florida on a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/what-we-don-t-know-is-about-jeb-bush-and-cocaine-but-we-do-know-that/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) > [“I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/i-find-that-the-world-is-changing-much-much-faster-than-i-can-even/) [Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-maher/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/married/bill-maher/#itemlist", "name": "11 Married Quotes By Bill Maher", "numberOfItems": 11, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring and the Olympics are gay.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Maher" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/i-think-girls-hate-each-other-no-doesn-t-always-mean-no-you-have-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2fb/bill-maher-211_boring_i-think-girls-hate-each-other-no-doesn-t_1523123.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2fb/bill-maher-211_boring_i-think-girls-hate-each-other-no-doesn-t_1523123.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2fb/bill-maher-211_boring_i-think-girls-hate-each-other-no-doesn-t_1523123.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports…” — Bill Maher", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Maher" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/all-marriages-are-same-sex-marriages-you-get-married-and-every-night/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3ee/bill-maher-211_equal-protection_all-marriages-are-same-sex-marriages-you_2899294.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3ee/bill-maher-211_equal-protection_all-marriages-are-same-sex-marriages-you_2899294.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3ee/bill-maher-211_equal-protection_all-marriages-are-same-sex-marriages-you_2899294.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“All marriages are same sex marriages. 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Chris Lee, was caught flirting with a woman trolling for dates on Craigslist and sent her a shirtless photo of himself. He lied about his age and his marital status. He said he was 39 and divorced. He's 46 and married, though being a Republican congressman, I'm guessing he's really 60 and gay.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Maher" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/a-republican-congressman-rep-chris-lee-was-caught-flirting-with-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b5f/bill-maher-211_age_a-republican-congressman-rep-chris-lee-w_971832.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b5f/bill-maher-211_age_a-republican-congressman-rep-chris-lee-w_971832.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b5f/bill-maher-211_age_a-republican-congressman-rep-chris-lee-w_971832.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“A Republican Congressman, Rep. Chris Lee, was caught flirting with a woman trolling for dates on Craigslist…” — Bill Maher", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "McCain was introduced at the convention last night by his wife -- I won't say 'trophy wife' -- but she did $300,000 worth of clothes and jewelry on, no matter to the party of the little guy. But Cindy McCain talked about how his character, honor and integrity made him the exact kind of married man she was looking to pick up at a bar.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Maher" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/mccain-was-introduced-at-the-convention-last-night-by-his-wife-i-won/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/443/bill-maher-211_bars_mccain-was-introduced-at-the-convention_2444703.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/443/bill-maher-211_bars_mccain-was-introduced-at-the-convention_2444703.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/443/bill-maher-211_bars_mccain-was-introduced-at-the-convention_2444703.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“McCain was introduced at the convention last night by his wife -- I won't say 'trophy wife' -- but she did…” — Bill Maher", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 6, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Your taxes are due a week from today. You can make out your check directly to Halliburton. Or you can do what I'm going to do. I'm filing my first joint return. No, I'm not getting married, I'm sending the IRS an actual joint with a note that says, 'If you think I'm paying for this war, you must be high.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Maher" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/your-taxes-are-due-a-week-from-today-you-can-make-out-your-check/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/644/bill-maher-211_can-do_your-taxes-are-due-a-week-from-today-you_2948354.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/644/bill-maher-211_can-do_your-taxes-are-due-a-week-from-today-you_2948354.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/644/bill-maher-211_can-do_your-taxes-are-due-a-week-from-today-you_2948354.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Your taxes are due a week from today. You can make out your check directly to Halliburton. Or you can do…” — Bill Maher", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Married men live longer. Yes. And an indoor cat also lives longer. It's a furball with a broken spirit, that can only look out on a world it can never enjoy. But it does technically live longer.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Maher" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/married-men-live-longer-yes-and-an-indoor-cat-also-lives-longer-it-s/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e5f/bill-maher-211_broken_married-men-live-longer-yes-and-an-indoo_2637419.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e5f/bill-maher-211_broken_married-men-live-longer-yes-and-an-indoo_2637419.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e5f/bill-maher-211_broken_married-men-live-longer-yes-and-an-indoo_2637419.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Married men live longer. Yes. And an indoor cat also lives longer. It's a furball with a broken spirit, that…” — Bill Maher", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When the tabloids photograph me when I'm out, I always say: \"You know what, folks? I'm not married and I'm not gay. You caught me with a hot chick. You got me. Take me to hot-chick jail. Did it again. Guilty.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Maher" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/when-the-tabloids-photograph-me-when-i-m-out-i-always-say-you-know/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7e0/bill-maher-211_caught_when-the-tabloids-photograph-me-when-i-m_202757.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7e0/bill-maher-211_caught_when-the-tabloids-photograph-me-when-i-m_202757.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7e0/bill-maher-211_caught_when-the-tabloids-photograph-me-when-i-m_202757.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When the tabloids photograph me when I'm out, I always say: \"You know what, folks? I'm not married and I'm…” — Bill Maher", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn't lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the equal protection clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are \"same sex\" marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Maher" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/new-rule-gay-marriage-won-t-lead-to-dog-marriage-it-is-not-a-slippery/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f2f/bill-maher-211_clauses_new-rule-gay-marriage-won-t-lead-to-dog_2493628.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f2f/bill-maher-211_clauses_new-rule-gay-marriage-won-t-lead-to-dog_2493628.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f2f/bill-maher-211_clauses_new-rule-gay-marriage-won-t-lead-to-dog_2493628.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species…” — Bill Maher", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "New Rule: If you still think Obama is a Muslim, you just might be a redneck. A Christian church in South Carolina has a sign out front that says 'Obama... Osama... Hmmm... Are they brothers?' No, they're not brothers. In fact, they're not even related, which is more than I can say for the married couples in your church.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Maher" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/new-rule-if-you-still-think-obama-is-a-muslim-you-just-might-be-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/807/bill-maher-211_brother_new-rule-if-you-still-think-obama-is-a-m_1500788.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/807/bill-maher-211_brother_new-rule-if-you-still-think-obama-is-a-m_1500788.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/807/bill-maher-211_brother_new-rule-if-you-still-think-obama-is-a-m_1500788.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“New Rule: If you still think Obama is a Muslim, you just might be a redneck. A Christian church in South…” — Bill Maher", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Naturally the smart thing to do to solve your economic woes is to demonize the Democrats. And of course, Sarah Palin is more than happy to oblige. She's been saying that Obama hangs out with terrorists. And you know, I think the evangelical lady who's in a video getting blessed by a witch doctor, who's married to a secessionist, and can't name a newspaper -- she's right, Obama is scary.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Maher" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-maher/naturally-the-smart-thing-to-do-to-solve-your-economic-woes-is-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/214/bill-maher-211_blessed_naturally-the-smart-thing-to-do-to-solve_954823.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/214/bill-maher-211_blessed_naturally-the-smart-thing-to-do-to-solve_954823.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/214/bill-maher-211_blessed_naturally-the-smart-thing-to-do-to-solve_954823.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Naturally the smart thing to do to solve your economic woes is to demonize the Democrats. And of course…” — Bill Maher", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/married/bill-maher/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/married/bill-maher/", "name": "Married Quotes by Bill Maher", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/married/bill-maher/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2fb/bill-maher-211_boring_i-think-girls-hate-each-other-no-doesn-t_1523123.png" }, "description": "11 Married quotes by Bill Maher. 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