--- title: "8 Mad Quotes By Mitch Hedberg" description: "8 Mad quotes by Mitch Hedberg. Plus more from Mitch Hedberg and more Mad sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/73c/mitch-hedberg-695_being-yourself_i-hate-turkeys-if-you-stand-in-the-meat_724955.png" --- > [I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-hate-turkeys-if-you-stand-in-the-meat-section-at-the-grocery-store/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/73c/mitch-hedberg-695_being-yourself_i-hate-turkeys-if-you-stand-in-the-meat_724955.png) > [I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-want-to-get-a-vending-machine-with-fun-sized-candy-bars-and-the/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a88/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_i-want-to-get-a-vending-machine-with-fun_1507453.png) > [I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-have-a-girlfriend-i-just-know-a-girl-who-would-get-really-mad/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de0/mitch-hedberg-695_date_i-don-t-have-a-girlfriend-i-just-know-a_1711853.png) > [I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-guess-the-one-liner-kind-of-comic-sounds-like-a-guy-who-can-talk/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/150/mitch-hedberg-695_association_i-guess-the-one-liner-kind-of-comic-soun_2327261.png) > [I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-hate-turkeys-if-you-go-to-the-grocery-store-you-start-to-get-mad-at/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0c1/mitch-hedberg-695_accidents_i-hate-turkeys-if-you-go-to-the-grocery_2708400.jpg) > [I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-was-on-a-bus-once-it-was-in-the-middle-of-the-night-and-i-had-a-box/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fd6/mitch-hedberg-695_boxes_i-was-on-a-bus-once-it-was-in-the-middle_2864792.jpg) > [I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-have-a-girlfriend-but-i-do-know-a-woman-who-d-be-mad-at-me/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c0f/mitch-hedberg-695_date_i-don-t-have-a-girlfriend-but-i-do-know_3045629.png) > [A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/a-friend-gave-me-a-drug-for-attention-deficit-disorder-because-he-s/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/627/mitch-hedberg-695_attention_a-friend-gave-me-a-drug-for-attention-de_3158754.png) ## Other authors on Mad ## More by Mitch Hedberg > [I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-wear-a-watch-because-i-want-my-arms-to-weigh-the-same-so-if/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/there-was-a-product-on-late-night-tv-that-you-could-attach-to-your/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/imagine-if-you-were-a-drummer-and-you-accidentally-picked-up-two/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-wearing-necklaces-because-it-lets-me-know-when-i-m-upside-down/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-sick-of-soup-of-the-day-man-it-s-time-we-make-a-decision-i-need/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-have-a-friend-who-is-a-juggler-if-i-m-at-his-house-i-don-t-like-to/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-get-the-regular-aids-test-anymore-i-get-the-roundabout-aids/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-know-how-to-fix-a-car-if-the-car-breaks-down-and-the-gas-tank/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-drank-some-boiling-water-because-i-wanted-to-whistle/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/what-s-a-sesame-seed-grow-into-i-don-t-know-we-never-give-them-a/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-an-ice-sculptor-last-night-i-made-a-cube/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-a-restaurant-with-my-friend-and-he-said-pass-the-salt-i/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-had-a-bag-of-fritos-they-were-texas-grilled-fritos-these-fritos-had/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-bought-a-house-it-s-a-two-bedroom-house-but-i-think-it-s-up-to-me/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/mr-pibb-is-a-poor-imitation-of-dr-pepper-dude-didn-t-even-get-his/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/mad/mitch-hedberg/#itemlist", "name": "8 Mad Quotes By Mitch Hedberg", "numberOfItems": 8, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. 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If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, \"Man, just be yourselves!\" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. 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