--- title: "11 Mad Quotes By Jack Handey" description: "11 Mad quotes by Jack Handey. Plus more from Jack Handey and more Mad sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6f4/jack-handey-829_behinds_if-you-re-a-cowboy-and-you-re-dragging-a_1154802.jpg" --- > [If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-re-a-cowboy-and-you-re-dragging-a-guy-behind-your-horse-i-bet/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6f4/jack-handey-829_behinds_if-you-re-a-cowboy-and-you-re-dragging-a_1154802.jpg) > [For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/for-mad-scientists-who-keep-brains-in-jars-here-s-a-tip-why-not-add-a/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/329/jack-handey-829_add_for-mad-scientists-who-keep-brains-in-ja_3067053.jpg) > [If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-were-a-pirate-you-know-what-would-be-the-one-thing-that-would/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b2e/jack-handey-829_chests_if-you-were-a-pirate-you-know-what-would_2777662.jpg) > [I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like "Hey, when are you going to pay…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-can-t-stand-cheap-people-it-makes-me-real-mad-when-someone-says/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bdf/jack-handey-829_cheap-people_i-can-t-stand-cheap-people-it-makes-me-r_1485611.jpg) > [Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-i-think-the-world-has-gone-completely-mad-and-then-i-think/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/47d/jack-handey-829_care_sometimes-i-think-the-world-has-gone-com_1059072.jpg) > [Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/do-you-know-what-happens-when-you-slice-a-golf-ball-in-half-someone/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3fb/jack-handey-829_balls_do-you-know-what-happens-when-you-slice_446690.jpg) > [It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-makes-me-mad-when-people-say-i-turned-and-ran-like-a-scared-rabbit/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9be/jack-handey-829_angry_it-makes-me-mad-when-people-say-i-turned_3038209.jpg) > [It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-makes-me-mad-when-i-go-to-all-the-trouble-of-having-martha-cook-up/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/63e/jack-handey-829_chickens_it-makes-me-mad-when-i-go-to-all-the-tro_1256626.jpg) > [I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-bet-when-neanderthal-kids-would-make-a-snowman-someone-would-always/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/92e/jack-handey-829_bigs_i-bet-when-neanderthal-kids-would-make-a_1030753.jpg) > [If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and-the-nurse-came-out-and-said/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d1/jack-handey-829_congratulations_if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and_794168.jpg) > [Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/life-to-me-is-like-a-quiet-forest-pool-one-that-needs-a-direct-hit/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af5/jack-handey-829_balance_life-to-me-is-like-a-quiet-forest-pool-o_583070.jpg) ## Other authors on Mad ## More by Jack Handey > [Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-life-seems-like-a-dream-especially-when-i-look-down-and-see/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-the-best-thanksgiving-we-ever-had-was-one-where-we-didn-t/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a-perfect-secret-identity-would/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-i-wonder-if-i-m-patriotic-enough-yes-i-want-to-kill-people/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-don-t-understand-people-who-say-life-is-a-mystery-because-what-is/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-s-probably-not-a-good-idea-to-be-chewing-on-a-toothpick-if-you-re/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/probably-to-a-shark-about-the-funniest-thing-there-is-is-a-wounded/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-wish-i-lived-back-in-the-old-west-days-because-i-d-save-up-my-money/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/why-do-there-have-to-be-rules-for-everything-it-s-gotten-to-the-point/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/most-people-don-t-realize-that-large-pieces-of-coral-which-have-been/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/here-s-a-suggestion-for-a-new-animal-if-some-new-ones-get-created-or/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-go-ice-skating-try-not-to-swing-your-arms-too-much-because/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-go-to-a-party-at-somebody-s-house-don-t-automatically-assume/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/he-was-a-cowboy-mister-and-he-loved-the-land-he-loved-it-so-much-he/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-were-a-gladiator-in-olden-days-i-bet-the-inefficiency-of-how/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/mad/jack-handey/#itemlist", "name": "11 Mad Quotes By Jack Handey", "numberOfItems": 11, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-re-a-cowboy-and-you-re-dragging-a-guy-behind-your-horse-i-bet/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6f4/jack-handey-829_behinds_if-you-re-a-cowboy-and-you-re-dragging-a_1154802.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6f4/jack-handey-829_behinds_if-you-re-a-cowboy-and-you-re-dragging-a_1154802.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6f4/jack-handey-829_behinds_if-you-re-a-cowboy-and-you-re-dragging-a_1154802.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/for-mad-scientists-who-keep-brains-in-jars-here-s-a-tip-why-not-add-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/329/jack-handey-829_add_for-mad-scientists-who-keep-brains-in-ja_3067053.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/329/jack-handey-829_add_for-mad-scientists-who-keep-brains-in-ja_3067053.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/329/jack-handey-829_add_for-mad-scientists-who-keep-brains-in-ja_3067053.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-were-a-pirate-you-know-what-would-be-the-one-thing-that-would/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b2e/jack-handey-829_chests_if-you-were-a-pirate-you-know-what-would_2777662.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b2e/jack-handey-829_chests_if-you-were-a-pirate-you-know-what-would_2777662.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b2e/jack-handey-829_chests_if-you-were-a-pirate-you-know-what-would_2777662.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? 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It makes me real mad when someone says something like \"Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?\" or \"Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?\" Man, quit being so cheap!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-can-t-stand-cheap-people-it-makes-me-real-mad-when-someone-says/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bdf/jack-handey-829_cheap-people_i-can-t-stand-cheap-people-it-makes-me-r_1485611.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bdf/jack-handey-829_cheap-people_i-can-t-stand-cheap-people-it-makes-me-r_1485611.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bdf/jack-handey-829_cheap-people_i-can-t-stand-cheap-people-it-makes-me-r_1485611.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I can't stand cheap people. 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And then I think, \"Aw, who cares?\" And then I think, \"Hey, what's for supper?\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-i-think-the-world-has-gone-completely-mad-and-then-i-think/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/47d/jack-handey-829_care_sometimes-i-think-the-world-has-gone-com_1059072.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/47d/jack-handey-829_care_sometimes-i-think-the-world-has-gone-com_1059072.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/47d/jack-handey-829_care_sometimes-i-think-the-world-has-gone-com_1059072.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, \"Aw, who cares?\" And then I think…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 6, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/do-you-know-what-happens-when-you-slice-a-golf-ball-in-half-someone/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3fb/jack-handey-829_balls_do-you-know-what-happens-when-you-slice_446690.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3fb/jack-handey-829_balls_do-you-know-what-happens-when-you-slice_446690.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3fb/jack-handey-829_balls_do-you-know-what-happens-when-you-slice_446690.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. 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Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-makes-me-mad-when-people-say-i-turned-and-ran-like-a-scared-rabbit/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9be/jack-handey-829_angry_it-makes-me-mad-when-people-say-i-turned_3038209.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9be/jack-handey-829_angry_it-makes-me-mad-when-people-say-i-turned_3038209.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9be/jack-handey-829_angry_it-makes-me-mad-when-people-say-i-turned_3038209.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the Marineland says, \"You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.\" Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-makes-me-mad-when-i-go-to-all-the-trouble-of-having-martha-cook-up/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/63e/jack-handey-829_chickens_it-makes-me-mad-when-i-go-to-all-the-tro_1256626.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/63e/jack-handey-829_chickens_it-makes-me-mad-when-i-go-to-all-the-tro_1256626.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/63e/jack-handey-829_chickens_it-makes-me-mad-when-i-go-to-all-the-tro_1256626.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, \"Don't forget the thick heavy brows.\" Then they would get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-bet-when-neanderthal-kids-would-make-a-snowman-someone-would-always/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/92e/jack-handey-829_bigs_i-bet-when-neanderthal-kids-would-make-a_1030753.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/92e/jack-handey-829_bigs_i-bet-when-neanderthal-kids-would-make-a_1030753.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/92e/jack-handey-829_bigs_i-bet-when-neanderthal-kids-would-make-a_1030753.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, \"Don't forget the…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, \"Congratulations, it's a girl,\" I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, \"A girl!? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!\" and point to another father.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and-the-nurse-came-out-and-said/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d1/jack-handey-829_congratulations_if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and_794168.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d1/jack-handey-829_congratulations_if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and_794168.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d1/jack-handey-829_congratulations_if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and_794168.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, \"Congratulations, it's a girl,\" I…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. 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