---
title: "39 Lasts Quotes By Jay Leno"
description: "39 Lasts quotes by Jay Leno. Plus more from Jay Leno and more Lasts sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bca/jay-leno-210_both-sides_john-kerry-met-with-ralph-nader-last-wee_1364903.png"
---

> [John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/john-kerry-met-with-ralph-nader-last-week-both-sides-of-every-issue/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bca/jay-leno-210_both-sides_john-kerry-met-with-ralph-nader-last-wee_1364903.png)

> [According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/according-to-the-mayans-the-world-is-supposed-to-end-in-the-year-2012/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/232/jay-leno-210_apocalypse_according-to-the-mayans-the-world-is-sup_477603.png)

> [Last week convicted Enron crook Ken Lay died of a heart attack. They announced they were going to cremate him. Where he's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/last-week-convicted-enron-crook-ken-lay-died-of-a-heart-attack-they/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3ec/jay-leno-210_bother_last-week-convicted-enron-crook-ken-lay_3124956.png)

> [Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/last-night-i-went-out-for-chinese-i-picked-up-a-team-usa-olympic/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/720/jay-leno-210_chinese_last-night-i-went-out-for-chinese-i-pick_1072902.png)

> [On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, ''Phhh,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/on-meet-the-press-yesterday-president-bush-was-asked-what-he-would-do/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d97/jay-leno-210_election_on-meet-the-press-yesterday-president-bu_1008641.png)

> [Arnold said this is a last minute attack by Democrats. How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/arnold-said-this-is-a-last-minute-attack-by-democrats-how-did-arnold/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/103/jay-leno-210_democrat_arnold-said-this-is-a-last-minute-attack_2549210.png)

> [Disneyland celebrated its 40th anniversary by burying a time capsule. They say it will be dug up in 50 years - or…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/disneyland-celebrated-its-40th-anniversary-by-burying-a-time-capsule/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e34/jay-leno-210_40th-anniversary_disneyland-celebrated-its-40th-anniversa_305547.png)

> [Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe's popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/actually-joe-biden-looked-pretty-good-in-fact-joe-s-popularity-has/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/28f/jay-leno-210_biden_actually-joe-biden-looked-pretty-good-in_1764160.jpg)

> [In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.'…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/in-his-big-victory-speech-last-night-senator-kerry-said-that-he/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/720/jay-leno-210_bigs_in-his-big-victory-speech-last-night-sen_1020724.png)

> [President Bush earned $400,000 for his job as president last year. That's not really that much for being president when you think…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/president-bush-earned-400-000-for-his-job-as-president-last-year-that/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d7f/jay-leno-210_doe_president-bush-earned-400-000-for-his-jo_2714800.png)

> [Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/al-jazeera-aired-a-new-tape-of-osama-bin-laden-it-was-the-usual-stuff/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/419/jay-leno-210_als_al-jazeera-aired-a-new-tape-of-osama-bin_662608.png)

> [The big winner last night in New Hampshire - Senator John Kerry. He won 39 percent of the vote, which is pretty…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-big-winner-last-night-in-new-hampshire-senator-john-kerry-he-won/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c77/jay-leno-210_bigs_the-big-winner-last-night-in-new-hampshi_2239615.png)

> [I'm sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I'll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/i-m-sure-you-know-by-now-jesse-jackson-was-overheard-saying-and-i-ll/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f59/jay-leno-210_barack_i-m-sure-you-know-by-now-jesse-jackson-w_1027670.png)

> [Halloween's coming. Kids get very imaginative in my neighborhood. Last year, three kids showed up as Goldman Sachs executives and demanded 4.5…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/halloween-s-coming-kids-get-very-imaginative-in-my-neighborhood-last/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6d8/jay-leno-210_billions_halloween-s-coming-kids-get-very-imagina_68139.png)

> [The United States military is now using the music of Metallica and other heavy metal bands to break the will of Saddam…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-united-states-military-is-now-using-the-music-of-metallica-and/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a16/jay-leno-210_army_the-united-states-military-is-now-using_1438131.png)

> [The Obama administration asked General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed. This is good news for Obama; the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-obama-administration-asked-general-motors-ceo-rick-wagoner-to/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ca6/jay-leno-210_administration_the-obama-administration-asked-general-m_521342.png)

> [Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he is going to run for governor on our program last night. My staff didn't know, Arnold's staff…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/arnold-schwarzenegger-announced-that-he-is-going-to-run-for-governor/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/131/jay-leno-210_arnold_arnold-schwarzenegger-announced-that-he_1532951.png)

> [President Obama flew to a rally in Las Vegas last night. However, he did not visit any of the casinos. You know…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/president-obama-flew-to-a-rally-in-las-vegas-last-night-however-he/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9b0/jay-leno-210_casinos_president-obama-flew-to-a-rally-in-las-v_2722569.png)

> [We had President Obama on the show last night. I think the president enjoys visiting NBC because we're the only place that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/we-had-president-obama-on-the-show-last-night-i-think-the-president/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/731/jay-leno-210_doe_we-had-president-obama-on-the-show-last_943534.png)

> [Tonight the Republican presidential candidates had a big debate, 10 candidates. The last time that many rich white guys got together, I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/tonight-the-republican-presidential-candidates-had-a-big-debate-10/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d2/jay-leno-210_bigs_tonight-the-republican-presidential-cand_2871283.png)

> [Last night, John McCain said that under the Democratic health care plan, a bureaucrat would stand between you and your doctor, as…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/last-night-john-mccain-said-that-under-the-democratic-health-care/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6f6/jay-leno-210_accountants_last-night-john-mccain-said-that-under-t_2261960.png)

> [People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/people-want-to-say-there-isn-t-racial-profiling-at-the-airport-but/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/286/jay-leno-210_airports_people-want-to-say-there-isn-t-racial-pr_776919.png)

> [Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling appeared before Congress. Do you think they even bothered swearing him in? Now he is denying he…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/former-enron-ceo-jeffrey-skilling-appeared-before-congress-do-you/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da1/jay-leno-210_bothered_former-enron-ceo-jeffrey-skilling-appear_3024255.png)

> [The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-mayans-have-predicted-the-world-is-supposed-to-end-on-december-21/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9a6/jay-leno-210_december_the-mayans-have-predicted-the-world-is-s_30128.png)

> [ How many watched the President's speech last night? \[half-hearted audience applause\] How many watched American Idol ? \[thundering applause\] Okay, there you… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/how-many-watched-the-president-s-speech-last-night-half-hearted/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bcd/jay-leno-210_american-idol_how-many-watched-the-president-s-speech_2729344.png)

> [One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/one-of-president-obama-s-winning-points-last-night-was-about-how/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fab/jay-leno-210_believe_one-of-president-obama-s-winning-points_1049507.png)

> [Last night, we had the first gubernatorial debate. Some people are criticizing Schwarzenegger for not going. They say Arnold goes around telling…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/last-night-we-had-the-first-gubernatorial-debate-some-people-are/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/be9/jay-leno-210_arnold_last-night-we-had-the-first-gubernatoria_1761056.png)

> [Rick Perry was philosophical about (his election losses). He said, 'Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. ' He said at…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/rick-perry-was-philosophical-about-his-election-losses-he-said-last/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/90d/jay-leno-210_chance_rick-perry-was-philosophical-about-his-e_1354302.png)

> [It seems that England's royal family is running out of money. They are down to just $1.6 million. Well sure, that's what…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/it-seems-that-england-s-royal-family-is-running-out-of-money-they-are/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9c9/jay-leno-210_england_it-seems-that-england-s-royal-family-is_367911.jpg)

> [The White House is now urging Americans not to 'read too much' into last week's jobs report. In fact, they said it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-white-house-is-now-urging-americans-not-to-read-too-much-into/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/619/jay-leno-210_facts_the-white-house-is-now-urging-americans_2726625.png)

> [Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So, I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/enron-s-president-ken-lay-passed-away-last-week-so-i-guess-even-god/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e2c/jay-leno-210_believe_enron-s-president-ken-lay-passed-away-la_3063211.jpg)

> [In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/in-his-speech-last-night-john-kerry-said-this-was-the-beginning-of/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5eb/jay-leno-210_administration_in-his-speech-last-night-john-kerry-said_730059.png)

> [They say there are something like 12 million illegal immigrants in the country right now, with another half a million coming every…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/they-say-there-are-something-like-12-million-illegal-immigrants-in/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4b0/jay-leno-210_country_they-say-there-are-something-like-12-mil_404489.png)

> [President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/president-bush-went-out-touting-his-economic-record-in-ohio-last-week/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3ae/jay-leno-210_china_president-bush-went-out-touting-his-econ_2785398.jpg)

> [They say that most airline seats on planes today are meant for 170-pound passengers. The last time the average American weighed 170…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/they-say-that-most-airline-seats-on-planes-today-are-meant-for-170/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1a8/jay-leno-210_airline_they-say-that-most-airline-seats-on-plan_1847732.png)

> [Here at work, obviously, I make the most money of anyone on the show, so I try to be the first one…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/here-at-work-obviously-i-make-the-most-money-of-anyone-on-the-show-so/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a3b/jay-leno-210_balance_here-at-work-obviously-i-make-the-most-m_2491262.png)

> [French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/french-troops-arrived-in-afghanistan-last-week-and-not-a-minute-too/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3e9/jay-leno-210_acting_french-troops-arrived-in-afghanistan-las_159551.png)

> [In the Enron scandal, whistleblower Sherron Watkins is now calling herself Enron Brokovitch. She testified Ken Lay was duped by the other…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/in-the-enron-scandal-whistleblower-sherron-watkins-is-now-calling/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/666/jay-leno-210_calling_in-the-enron-scandal-whistleblower-sherr_2175185.png)

> [Schwarzenegger said last night on the show he expects his opponents to throw all kinds of dirt at him. And you know,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/schwarzenegger-said-last-night-on-the-show-he-expects-his-opponents/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/286/jay-leno-210_all-kinds_schwarzenegger-said-last-night-on-the-sh_1476288.jpg)

## Other authors on Lasts

## More by Jay Leno

> [If you restore a car, and you're making money, then you're doing it wrong.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/if-you-restore-a-car-and-you-re-making-money-then-you-re-doing-it/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/bush-reiterated-his-stand-to-conservatives-opposing-his-decision-on/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [Michael Jackson has a new baby boy; no word yet who the father is.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/michael-jackson-has-a-new-baby-boy-no-word-yet-who-the-father-is/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they're not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/there-is-a-nationwide-shortage-of-drugs-for-attention-deficit/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [“Leno said the rainy weather in California "couldn't have come at a worse possible time. Today was the day NBC was supposed to burn…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/leno-said-the-rainy-weather-in-california-couldn-t-have-come-at-a/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of Celebrity Apprentice wraps up.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/donald-trump-said-he-will-not-decide-about-a-possible-run-for-the/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [American forces in Iraq found $650 million in American cash sealed in a hidden cottage. See, this is why President Bush wants to invade…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/american-forces-in-iraq-found-650-million-in-american-cash-sealed-in/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/i-wanted-to-have-a-career-in-sports-when-i-was-young-but-i-had-to/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/texas-gov-rick-perry-referred-to-the-mexican-city-of-juarez-as-the/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/you-can-tell-you-ate-too-much-for-thanksgiving-when-you-have-to-let/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-mayans-have-predicted-the-world-is-supposed-to-end-on-december-21/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [The Globe reports that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il raises money by selling fake Viagra pills. What it is about this guy? None of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-globe-reports-that-north-korean-dictator-kim-jong-il-raises-money/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [Here is your government at work. A congressman from Colorado said he wants to draft a rule that would make it unethical to have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/here-is-your-government-at-work-a-congressman-from-colorado-said-he/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [Jack Abramoff is going to testify against some of the other weasels in Congress. A lobbyist testifying against congressmen? How many Bibles are going…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/jack-abramoff-is-going-to-testify-against-some-of-the-other-weasels/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [Tomorrow, America's most famous hockey mom, Sarah Palin, will drop the ceremonial first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. Right afterwards, she'll get out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/tomorrow-america-s-most-famous-hockey-mom-sarah-palin-will-drop-the/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

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                        "text": "John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke.",
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                        "text": "According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?",
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                        "text": "Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform.",
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                        "text": "On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, ''Phhh, you mean like last time?'",
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                        "text": "Arnold said this is a last minute attack by Democrats. How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats?",
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                        "text": "Disneyland celebrated its 40th anniversary by burying a time capsule. They say it will be dug up in 50 years - or when the last person in line at Space Mountain gets to the front, whichever comes first.",
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                        "text": "Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe's popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At this rate, he could win the nomination by the year 2032.",
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                        "text": "In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune.",
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                        "text": "President Bush earned $400,000 for his job as president last year. That's not really that much for being president when you think about it. But President Bush, he doesn't do it for the money, he does it for the eight months of vacation every year.",
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                        "text": "Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.",
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                        "text": "The big winner last night in New Hampshire - Senator John Kerry. He won 39 percent of the vote, which is pretty good, and begs the question, why the long face?",
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                        "text": "I'm sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I'll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut Barack Obama's testicles off. And Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days, explaining what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that?",
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                        "text": "Halloween's coming. Kids get very imaginative in my neighborhood. Last year, three kids showed up as Goldman Sachs executives and demanded 4.5 billion pieces of candy.",
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                        "text": "The United States military is now using the music of Metallica and other heavy metal bands to break the will of Saddam Hussein supporters to get them to talk. Theyre blaring heavy metal music at them. That should make the artist feel pretty good, huh? Put your heart and soul into your last CD and the Army is using it to torture people.",
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                        "text": "The Obama administration asked General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed. This is good news for Obama; the last time he tried to get someone to quit, it took months -- and even then, he had to promise her a job as secretary of state. ... According to the government, Rick Wagoner was forced to resign because of poor performance. That's embarrassing -- run an organization that loses billions of dollars and then get fired by a guy who heads up an organization that loses trillions of dollars.",
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                        "text": "Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he is going to run for governor on our program last night. My staff didn't know, Arnold's staff didn't know, I was shocked as everyone else. If he doesn't get elected governor, maybe he should work for the CIA. I mean, he can keep a secret better than they can.",
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                        "text": "The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet the next day the malls will be overrun with Mayans trying to buy last-minute gifts.",
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                        "text": "How many watched the President's speech last night? [half-hearted audience applause] How many watched American Idol ? [thundering applause] Okay, there you go! You get the government you deserve.",
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                        "text": "One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it's President Obama.",
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                        "text": "Last night, we had the first gubernatorial debate. Some people are criticizing Schwarzenegger for not going. They say Arnold goes around telling people he cares, everything is going to be great, forget about everything he did in the '70s. Hey, it worked for George Bush.",
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                        "text": "Rick Perry was philosophical about (his election losses). He said, 'Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. ' He said at least it's giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states.",
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                        "text": "It seems that England's royal family is running out of money. They are down to just $1.6 million. Well sure, that's what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years.",
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                        "text": "Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So, I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as \"karma.\" The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings.",
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                        "text": "In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it.",
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                        "text": "They say there are something like 12 million illegal immigrants in the country right now, with another half a million coming every year. Remember in the last election when the Democrats claimed there was two Americas? Turns out one of them was Mexico.",
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                        "text": "In the Enron scandal, whistleblower Sherron Watkins is now calling herself Enron Brokovitch. She testified Ken Lay was duped by the other executives. Oh, yeah. When is the last time you got duped and made $100 million?",
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                        "text": "Schwarzenegger said last night on the show he expects his opponents to throw all kinds of dirt at him. And you know, it's started already. Today, they released the one thing that could really hurt Arnold. Turns out he once starred in a movie with Tom Arnold.",
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