--- title: "31 Last night Quotes By Jarod Kintz" description: "31 Last night quotes by Jarod Kintz. Plus more from Jarod Kintz and more Last night sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/761/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_last-night-the-secrets-of-the-universe-w_1620561.jpg" --- > [“Last night the secrets of the universe were revealed to me, and they had nipples.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/last-night-the-secrets-of-the-universe-were-revealed-to-me-and-they/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/761/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_last-night-the-secrets-of-the-universe-w_1620561.jpg) > [“I slept hard last night. I had an eight-hour raging erection.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-slept-hard-last-night-i-had-an-eight-hour-raging-erection/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ca9/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-slept-hard-last-night-i-had-an-eight-h_1241027.jpg) > [“Last night I slept like a baby. In a crib.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/last-night-i-slept-like-a-baby-in-a-crib/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fd3/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_last-night-i-slept-like-a-baby-in-a-crib_516182.jpg) > [“I talked to a mother of nine last night, and I thought, “Nine is nine years too young to be a mother.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-talked-to-a-mother-of-nine-last-night-and-i-thought-nine-is-nine/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e77/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-talked-to-a-mother-of-nine-last-night_1451419.jpg) > [“I had a hot date last night. Things were going well so I took her back to her house, dropped her off,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-had-a-hot-date-last-night-things-were-going-well-so-i-took-her-back/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/001/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-had-a-hot-date-last-night-things-were_2122338.jpg) > [“If silence is the admission of guilt, then she must be really guilty, because last night I asked her a question and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/if-silence-is-the-admission-of-guilt-then-she-must-be-really-guilty/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bf7/jarod-kintz-2_guilt_if-silence-is-the-admission-of-guilt-the_2622107.jpg) > [“I ran over a dog last night on my way home, and then I wondered what my wife had made for dinner.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-ran-over-a-dog-last-night-on-my-way-home-and-then-i-wondered-what/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8cf/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-ran-over-a-dog-last-night-on-my-way-ho_1405406.jpg) > [“I got hit on at the bar last night, and this morning I have a black eye. Sometimes you can be so…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-got-hit-on-at-the-bar-last-night-and-this-morning-i-have-a-black/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bc4/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-got-hit-on-at-the-bar-last-night-and-t_2177019.jpg) > [“There was an eerie quiet about last night, like death sleeping on the beach of Lake Erie. I woke up with sand…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/there-was-an-eerie-quiet-about-last-night-like-death-sleeping-on-the/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/763/jarod-kintz-2_death_there-was-an-eerie-quiet-about-last-nigh_1508304.jpg) > [“Last night as I was driving home, I ran over a guy in a wheelchair. But it’s OK—he was already paralyzed.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/last-night-as-i-was-driving-home-i-ran-over-a-guy-in-a-wheelchair-but/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/757/jarod-kintz-2_driving-home_last-night-as-i-was-driving-home-i-ran-o_1378058.jpg) > [“Last night I stayed up late talking about tomorrow, and today I regret it because I was way off (by about 24 hours).”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/last-night-i-stayed-up-late-talking-about-tomorrow-and-today-i-regret/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eda/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_last-night-i-stayed-up-late-talking-abou_1812200.jpg) > [“I don’t care that I no longer have my grandma to keep me company at the dining room table. Especially since she…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-don-t-care-that-i-no-longer-have-my-grandma-to-keep-me-company-at/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f71/jarod-kintz-2_business_i-don-t-care-that-i-no-longer-have-my-gr_2647879.jpg) > [“I went on a blind date last night. We watched a silent film. We stayed up all night talking in sign language.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-went-on-a-blind-date-last-night-we-watched-a-silent-film-we-stayed/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cd9/jarod-kintz-2_blind-date_i-went-on-a-blind-date-last-night-we-wat_2186300.jpg) > [“I cling to our love like saran wrap on leftovers. If you want to know when dinner will be ready, the answer…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-cling-to-our-love-like-saran-wrap-on-leftovers-if-you-want-to-know/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/82b/jarod-kintz-2_dinner_i-cling-to-our-love-like-saran-wrap-on-l_207177.jpg) > [“I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-rarely-drink-but-last-night-after-several-hours-and-several-beers/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/66d/jarod-kintz-2_face-to-face_i-rarely-drink-but-last-night-after-seve_1892621.jpg) > [“Last night I snuck an orchestra into the elevator at my apartment. We made elevator music history until Marvin got his oboe…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/last-night-i-snuck-an-orchestra-into-the-elevator-at-my-apartment-we/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/964/jarod-kintz-2_history_last-night-i-snuck-an-orchestra-into-the_1918064.jpg) > [“I slept so long last night that when I woke up I discovered a city had sprung up under my left armpit.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-slept-so-long-last-night-that-when-i-woke-up-i-discovered-a-city/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/183/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-slept-so-long-last-night-that-when-i-w_1028771.jpg) > [“Last night I placed a handwritten note on the front door of my neighbor’s house that said, “Sorry, we’re closed. Come back…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/last-night-i-placed-a-handwritten-note-on-the-front-door-of-my/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/43a/jarod-kintz-2_front-door_last-night-i-placed-a-handwritten-note-o_1977173.jpg) > [“I had a dream about you last night. We started a shoe company, and a competitor (probably someone from Nike) attacked you,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-had-a-dream-about-you-last-night-we-started-a-shoe-company-and-a/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f7/jarod-kintz-2_attacked_i-had-a-dream-about-you-last-night-we-st_626526.jpg) > [“Through the miracle of science, or divine intervention, a brick could be made soft, like Jell-O, and a blanket could be made…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/through-the-miracle-of-science-or-divine-intervention-a-brick-could/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/15b/jarod-kintz-2_divine-intervention_through-the-miracle-of-science-or-divine_2622787.jpg) > [“Where was I last night? I don’t remember myself. I mean I remember me—I didn’t suffer from an out-of-body experience—but I myself…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/where-was-i-last-night-i-don-t-remember-myself-i-mean-i-remember-me-i/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/abb/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_where-was-i-last-night-i-don-t-remember_2693666.jpg) > [“I cleaned out my belly button last night, and I found the meaning of life. Gosh, I wonder how long it’s been…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-cleaned-out-my-belly-button-last-night-and-i-found-the-meaning-of/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/845/jarod-kintz-2_belly-button_i-cleaned-out-my-belly-button-last-night_1535647.jpg) > [I talked to a calzone for fifteen minutes last night before I realized it was just an introverted pizza. I wish all…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-talked-to-a-calzone-for-fifteen-minutes-last-night-before-i/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bd9/jarod-kintz-2_food_i-talked-to-a-calzone-for-fifteen-minute_2619469.jpg) > [“Last night I read two books back to back. Tonight I’ll probably read both of those books’ front covers.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/last-night-i-read-two-books-back-to-back-tonight-i-ll-probably-read/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/029/jarod-kintz-2_books_last-night-i-read-two-books-back-to-back_195662.jpg) > [“Last night my girl and I were knocking boots, but it won’t happen tonight, because earlier today I went out and bought…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/last-night-my-girl-and-i-were-knocking-boots-but-it-won-t-happen/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f7/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_last-night-my-girl-and-i-were-knocking-b_1026460.jpg) > [“An octopus has eight legs. You know what else has eight legs? My bed last night. Oh, I didn’t have a foursome,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/an-octopus-has-eight-legs-you-know-what-else-has-eight-legs-my-bed/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/92e/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_an-octopus-has-eight-legs-you-know-what_1034736.jpg) > [“I went on a date last night and things went well. If you must know, I got lucky. I found a four-leaf…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-went-on-a-date-last-night-and-things-went-well-if-you-must-know-i/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1cb/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-went-on-a-date-last-night-and-things-w_1228145.jpg) > [“I submitted a poem last night to The New Yorker. They said it can take up to three months to hear back.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-submitted-a-poem-last-night-to-the-new-yorker-they-said-it-can-take/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d28/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-submitted-a-poem-last-night-to-the-new_1895653.jpg) > [“I did something so stupid last night that I can’t even speak about it today. I took a vow of silence.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-did-something-so-stupid-last-night-that-i-can-t-even-speak-about-it/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/917/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-did-something-so-stupid-last-night-tha_3147687.jpg) > [“I ran over some dog poop on my drive home last night. But I didn’t feel bad, because I didn’t vote for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-ran-over-some-dog-poop-on-my-drive-home-last-night-but-i-didn-t/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/78c/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-ran-over-some-dog-poop-on-my-drive-hom_995372.jpg) > [“There was an amazing party last night. I would have asked you to come with me, but the invitation read “Guest plus…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/there-was-an-amazing-party-last-night-i-would-have-asked-you-to-come/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d3/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_there-was-an-amazing-party-last-night-i_917183.jpg) ## Other authors on Last night ## More by Jarod Kintz > [“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-notice-when-you-re-gone-or-do-i-how-can-i-observe-something-that/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) > [“I wouldn’t love you if you were the last Sodomite in Gomorrah.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-wouldn-t-love-you-if-you-were-the-last-sodomite-in-gomorrah/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) > [“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/a-blanket-could-be-used-to-make-sweet-sweet-music-with-the-love-of/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) > [“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/a-brick-could-be-used-to-slow-down-time-sort-of-like-a-camel-in-a/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) > [“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/we-have-a-love-so-pure-that-it-makes-snow-seem-yellow-don-t-eat-it/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) > [“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-hid-mrs-frozenwater-s-body-in-the-ice-cube-trays-in-my-freezer/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) > [“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/two-similar-words-might-lead-to-two-similar-ideas-they-might-also/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) > [“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/nothing-is-and-isn-t-nothing-is-and-isn-t-nothing-itself-is-and-at/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) > [“Embossed letters represent the topography of typography.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/embossed-letters-represent-the-topography-of-typography/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) > [“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/there-s-only-one-piece-of-clothing-i-could-eat-fast-and-that-s-a-scarf/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) > [“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/dora-j-arod-is-to-jarod-ora-as-yes-is-to-yes-yes-is-also-the-correct/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) > [“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/the-best-part-about-being-kidnapped-is-being-blindfolded-and-getting/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) > [“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/orafoura-once-told-me-that-if-i-were-a-car-i-d-be-a-ferrari-one-that/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) > [“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/what-makes-a-good-leader-i-ask-myself-this-every-day-and-then-as-i/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) > [“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-d-like-to-file-a-missing-person-s-report-on-my-clone-it-s-nearly/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/last-night/jarod-kintz/#itemlist", "name": "31 Last night Quotes By Jarod Kintz", "numberOfItems": 31, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Last night the secrets of the universe were revealed to me, and they had nipples.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/last-night-the-secrets-of-the-universe-were-revealed-to-me-and-they/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/761/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_last-night-the-secrets-of-the-universe-w_1620561.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/761/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_last-night-the-secrets-of-the-universe-w_1620561.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/761/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_last-night-the-secrets-of-the-universe-w_1620561.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Last night the secrets of the universe were revealed to me, and they had nipples.” — Jarod Kintz", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“I slept hard last night. 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Sometimes you can be so sexy that you offend, I guess.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-got-hit-on-at-the-bar-last-night-and-this-morning-i-have-a-black/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bc4/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-got-hit-on-at-the-bar-last-night-and-t_2177019.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bc4/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-got-hit-on-at-the-bar-last-night-and-t_2177019.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bc4/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-got-hit-on-at-the-bar-last-night-and-t_2177019.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I got hit on at the bar last night, and this morning I have a black eye. 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I woke up with sand in my shoes and tiny coffins on my feet.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/there-was-an-eerie-quiet-about-last-night-like-death-sleeping-on-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/763/jarod-kintz-2_death_there-was-an-eerie-quiet-about-last-nigh_1508304.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/763/jarod-kintz-2_death_there-was-an-eerie-quiet-about-last-nigh_1508304.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/763/jarod-kintz-2_death_there-was-an-eerie-quiet-about-last-nigh_1508304.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“There was an eerie quiet about last night, like death sleeping on the beach of Lake Erie. 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But it’s OK—he was already paralyzed.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/last-night-as-i-was-driving-home-i-ran-over-a-guy-in-a-wheelchair-but/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/757/jarod-kintz-2_driving-home_last-night-as-i-was-driving-home-i-ran-o_1378058.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/757/jarod-kintz-2_driving-home_last-night-as-i-was-driving-home-i-ran-o_1378058.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/757/jarod-kintz-2_driving-home_last-night-as-i-was-driving-home-i-ran-o_1378058.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Last night as I was driving home, I ran over a guy in a wheelchair. 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Especially since she tasted so good for dinner last night with a side of mashed potatoes.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-don-t-care-that-i-no-longer-have-my-grandma-to-keep-me-company-at/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f71/jarod-kintz-2_business_i-don-t-care-that-i-no-longer-have-my-gr_2647879.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f71/jarod-kintz-2_business_i-don-t-care-that-i-no-longer-have-my-gr_2647879.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f71/jarod-kintz-2_business_i-don-t-care-that-i-no-longer-have-my-gr_2647879.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I don’t care that I no longer have my grandma to keep me company at the dining room table. 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I'll never forget dancing with an albino under the stars.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-went-on-a-blind-date-last-night-we-watched-a-silent-film-we-stayed/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cd9/jarod-kintz-2_blind-date_i-went-on-a-blind-date-last-night-we-wat_2186300.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cd9/jarod-kintz-2_blind-date_i-went-on-a-blind-date-last-night-we-wat_2186300.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cd9/jarod-kintz-2_blind-date_i-went-on-a-blind-date-last-night-we-wat_2186300.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I went on a blind date last night. We watched a silent film. 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We could make love, or we could simply reheat what we already had.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-cling-to-our-love-like-saran-wrap-on-leftovers-if-you-want-to-know/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/82b/jarod-kintz-2_dinner_i-cling-to-our-love-like-saran-wrap-on-l_207177.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/82b/jarod-kintz-2_dinner_i-cling-to-our-love-like-saran-wrap-on-l_207177.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/82b/jarod-kintz-2_dinner_i-cling-to-our-love-like-saran-wrap-on-l_207177.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I cling to our love like saran wrap on leftovers. 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Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-rarely-drink-but-last-night-after-several-hours-and-several-beers/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/66d/jarod-kintz-2_face-to-face_i-rarely-drink-but-last-night-after-seve_1892621.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/66d/jarod-kintz-2_face-to-face_i-rarely-drink-but-last-night-after-seve_1892621.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/66d/jarod-kintz-2_face-to-face_i-rarely-drink-but-last-night-after-seve_1892621.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to…” — Jarod Kintz", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 16, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Last night I snuck an orchestra into the elevator at my apartment. We made elevator music history until Marvin got his oboe caught in the door and Mrs. Hoffstead started singing \"Yes We Have No Bananas Today\" in the hall so loud the police were called in from Equador.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/last-night-i-snuck-an-orchestra-into-the-elevator-at-my-apartment-we/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/964/jarod-kintz-2_history_last-night-i-snuck-an-orchestra-into-the_1918064.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/964/jarod-kintz-2_history_last-night-i-snuck-an-orchestra-into-the_1918064.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/964/jarod-kintz-2_history_last-night-i-snuck-an-orchestra-into-the_1918064.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Last night I snuck an orchestra into the elevator at my apartment. 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This was staggering considering when I went to bed it was just a sleepy town.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-slept-so-long-last-night-that-when-i-woke-up-i-discovered-a-city/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/183/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-slept-so-long-last-night-that-when-i-w_1028771.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/183/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-slept-so-long-last-night-that-when-i-w_1028771.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/183/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-slept-so-long-last-night-that-when-i-w_1028771.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I slept so long last night that when I woke up I discovered a city had sprung up under my left armpit. This…” — Jarod Kintz", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 18, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Last night I placed a handwritten note on the front door of my neighbor’s house that said, “Sorry, we’re closed. Come back tomorrow after 9 am.” I wouldn’t have done it had I known he’d knock on my door and ask to spend the night because he thought I was open.\u2028”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/last-night-i-placed-a-handwritten-note-on-the-front-door-of-my/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/43a/jarod-kintz-2_front-door_last-night-i-placed-a-handwritten-note-o_1977173.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/43a/jarod-kintz-2_front-door_last-night-i-placed-a-handwritten-note-o_1977173.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/43a/jarod-kintz-2_front-door_last-night-i-placed-a-handwritten-note-o_1977173.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Last night I placed a handwritten note on the front door of my neighbor’s house that said, “Sorry, we’re…” — Jarod Kintz", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 19, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“I had a dream about you last night. We started a shoe company, and a competitor (probably someone from Nike) attacked you, so I had to stab them in the throat with a shoelace. I guess it would have been better to use that shoelace to strangle them. \u2028”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-had-a-dream-about-you-last-night-we-started-a-shoe-company-and-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f7/jarod-kintz-2_attacked_i-had-a-dream-about-you-last-night-we-st_626526.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f7/jarod-kintz-2_attacked_i-had-a-dream-about-you-last-night-we-st_626526.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f7/jarod-kintz-2_attacked_i-had-a-dream-about-you-last-night-we-st_626526.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I had a dream about you last night. We started a shoe company, and a competitor (probably someone from Nike)…” — Jarod Kintz", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 20, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Through the miracle of science, or divine intervention, a brick could be made soft, like Jell-O, and a blanket could be made rigid, like the laws regarding the speed limit, as interpreted by the cop who pulled me over last night. Come on, Officer Dogood—97 in a 30 mile an hour zone is not egregious. It’s not like I was speeding with no lights on while wearing a blindfold and blasting Lady Gaga from my radio to mask the sound of pounding fists from a kidnapping victim I had tied up in my trunk. Now that is something that would merit a stiff penalty, like a parking ticket, or maybe a stern warning. \u2028”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/through-the-miracle-of-science-or-divine-intervention-a-brick-could/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/15b/jarod-kintz-2_divine-intervention_through-the-miracle-of-science-or-divine_2622787.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/15b/jarod-kintz-2_divine-intervention_through-the-miracle-of-science-or-divine_2622787.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/15b/jarod-kintz-2_divine-intervention_through-the-miracle-of-science-or-divine_2622787.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Through the miracle of science, or divine intervention, a brick could be made soft, like Jell-O, and a…” — Jarod Kintz", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 21, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Where was I last night? I don’t remember myself. I mean I remember me—I didn’t suffer from an out-of-body experience—but I myself don’t remember. I remember being there, but not where there was, or being a being—I just was—I was simply existing and I wasn’t focusing on is or how or why, and certainly not where or when. I hope this clarifies the issue for you. I think I’ve been more than helpful.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/where-was-i-last-night-i-don-t-remember-myself-i-mean-i-remember-me-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/abb/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_where-was-i-last-night-i-don-t-remember_2693666.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/abb/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_where-was-i-last-night-i-don-t-remember_2693666.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/abb/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_where-was-i-last-night-i-don-t-remember_2693666.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Where was I last night? I don’t remember myself. I mean I remember me—I didn’t suffer from an out-of-body…” — Jarod Kintz", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 22, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“I cleaned out my belly button last night, and I found the meaning of life. Gosh, I wonder how long it’s been hidden there.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-cleaned-out-my-belly-button-last-night-and-i-found-the-meaning-of/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/845/jarod-kintz-2_belly-button_i-cleaned-out-my-belly-button-last-night_1535647.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/845/jarod-kintz-2_belly-button_i-cleaned-out-my-belly-button-last-night_1535647.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/845/jarod-kintz-2_belly-button_i-cleaned-out-my-belly-button-last-night_1535647.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I cleaned out my belly button last night, and I found the meaning of life. Gosh, I wonder how long it’s been…” — Jarod Kintz", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 23, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I talked to a calzone for fifteen minutes last night before I realized it was just an introverted pizza. I wish all my acquaintances were so tasty.¨", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-talked-to-a-calzone-for-fifteen-minutes-last-night-before-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bd9/jarod-kintz-2_food_i-talked-to-a-calzone-for-fifteen-minute_2619469.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bd9/jarod-kintz-2_food_i-talked-to-a-calzone-for-fifteen-minute_2619469.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bd9/jarod-kintz-2_food_i-talked-to-a-calzone-for-fifteen-minute_2619469.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I talked to a calzone for fifteen minutes last night before I realized it was just an introverted pizza. I…” — Jarod Kintz", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 24, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Last night I read two books back to back. Tonight I’ll probably read both of those books’ front covers.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/last-night-i-read-two-books-back-to-back-tonight-i-ll-probably-read/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/029/jarod-kintz-2_books_last-night-i-read-two-books-back-to-back_195662.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/029/jarod-kintz-2_books_last-night-i-read-two-books-back-to-back_195662.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/029/jarod-kintz-2_books_last-night-i-read-two-books-back-to-back_195662.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Last night I read two books back to back. 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You know what else has eight legs? My bed last night. Oh, I didn’t have a foursome, but I did sleep with six prosthetic legs (I have a bad back).”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/an-octopus-has-eight-legs-you-know-what-else-has-eight-legs-my-bed/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/92e/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_an-octopus-has-eight-legs-you-know-what_1034736.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/92e/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_an-octopus-has-eight-legs-you-know-what_1034736.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/92e/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_an-octopus-has-eight-legs-you-know-what_1034736.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“An octopus has eight legs. You know what else has eight legs? My bed last night. Oh, I didn’t have a…” — Jarod Kintz", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 27, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“I went on a date last night and things went well. If you must know, I got lucky. I found a four-leaf clover.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-went-on-a-date-last-night-and-things-went-well-if-you-must-know-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1cb/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-went-on-a-date-last-night-and-things-w_1228145.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1cb/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-went-on-a-date-last-night-and-things-w_1228145.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1cb/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-went-on-a-date-last-night-and-things-w_1228145.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I went on a date last night and things went well. If you must know, I got lucky. I found a four-leaf clover.” — Jarod Kintz", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 28, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“I submitted a poem last night to The New Yorker. They said it can take up to three months to hear back. I got rejected immediately.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-submitted-a-poem-last-night-to-the-new-yorker-they-said-it-can-take/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d28/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-submitted-a-poem-last-night-to-the-new_1895653.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d28/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-submitted-a-poem-last-night-to-the-new_1895653.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d28/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-submitted-a-poem-last-night-to-the-new_1895653.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I submitted a poem last night to The New Yorker. They said it can take up to three months to hear back. I…” — Jarod Kintz", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 29, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“I did something so stupid last night that I can’t even speak about it today. I took a vow of silence.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-did-something-so-stupid-last-night-that-i-can-t-even-speak-about-it/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/917/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-did-something-so-stupid-last-night-tha_3147687.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/917/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-did-something-so-stupid-last-night-tha_3147687.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/917/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-did-something-so-stupid-last-night-tha_3147687.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I did something so stupid last night that I can’t even speak about it today. 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But I didn’t feel bad, because I didn’t vote for that particular politician.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-ran-over-some-dog-poop-on-my-drive-home-last-night-but-i-didn-t/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/78c/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-ran-over-some-dog-poop-on-my-drive-hom_995372.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/78c/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-ran-over-some-dog-poop-on-my-drive-hom_995372.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/78c/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_i-ran-over-some-dog-poop-on-my-drive-hom_995372.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I ran over some dog poop on my drive home last night. 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I wasn’t even the “plus one.” But I did get all worked up, and I spent the evening on the couch, crying.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/there-was-an-amazing-party-last-night-i-would-have-asked-you-to-come/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d3/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_there-was-an-amazing-party-last-night-i_917183.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d3/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_there-was-an-amazing-party-last-night-i_917183.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d3/jarod-kintz-2_last-night_there-was-an-amazing-party-last-night-i_917183.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“There was an amazing party last night. 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