---
title: "26 Knows Quotes By Stephen Colbert"
description: "26 Knows quotes by Stephen Colbert. Plus more from Stephen Colbert and more Knows sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1cc/stephen-colbert-503_failure_i-know-that-the-pope-s-infallible-but-th_2707355.png"
---

> [I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/i-know-that-the-pope-s-infallible-but-that-doesn-t-mean-he-can-t-make/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1cc/stephen-colbert-503_failure_i-know-that-the-pope-s-infallible-but-th_2707355.png)

> [If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-you-use-big-words-no-one-will-know-you-aren-t-doing-jack-squat/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2f4/stephen-colbert-503_big-words_if-you-use-big-words-no-one-will-know-yo_502605.png)

> [As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/as-we-all-know-reality-has-a-liberal-bias/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/04a/stephen-colbert-503_bias_as-we-all-know-reality-has-a-liberal-bia_1905757.png)

> [There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/there-must-be-a-god-because-i-don-t-know-how-things-work/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/430/stephen-colbert-503_god_there-must-be-a-god-because-i-don-t-know_3216235.png)

> [Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/now-we-all-know-that-fidel-castro-dressed-up-like-marilyn-monroe-and/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cfb/stephen-colbert-503_cases_now-we-all-know-that-fidel-castro-dresse_3192699.png)

> [Vodka eyeballing sounds great, but it's a slippery slope. Next, you'll be scotch nostriling, tequila nippling and, before you know it, Jager…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/vodka-eyeballing-sounds-great-but-it-s-a-slippery-slope-next-you-ll/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/629/stephen-colbert-503_knows_vodka-eyeballing-sounds-great-but-it-s-a_998125.png)

> [Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/am-i-proud-of-being-straight-no-you-know-why-because-if-i-start/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/847/stephen-colbert-503_acting_am-i-proud-of-being-straight-no-you-know_370944.png)

> [I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/i-am-down-with-the-latest-trends-and-everyone-knows-the-thing-on-the/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/810/stephen-colbert-503_biting_i-am-down-with-the-latest-trends-and-eve_1166829.png)

> [You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/you-know-what-i-hate-about-people-who-criticize-you-they-they/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7ca/stephen-colbert-503_credit_you-know-what-i-hate-about-people-who-cr_427797.png)

> [Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/make-no-mistake-they-re-coming-for-our-guns-and-we-freedom-loving-gun/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e98/stephen-colbert-503_amendment_make-no-mistake-they-re-coming-for-our-g_593318.png)

> [ Like all great theologies, Bill \[O'Reilly\]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/like-all-great-theologies-bill-o-reilly-s-can-be-boiled-down-to-one/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ea2/stephen-colbert-503_bill-o-reilly_like-all-great-theologies-bill-o-reilly_754406.png)

> [Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/join-me-in-standing-up-against-any-actual-knowledge-about-guns-let/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1c1/stephen-colbert-503_amendment_join-me-in-standing-up-against-any-actua_1377540.png)

> [ First, \[in high school\], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/first-in-high-school-i-smoked-a-lot-of-pot-and-that-s-how-i-got-to/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a31/stephen-colbert-503_bongs_first-in-high-school-i-smoked-a-lot-of-p_1076307.png)

> [And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/and-when-those-bombs-went-off-there-were-runners-who-after-finishing/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e9d/stephen-colbert-503_blood_and-when-those-bombs-went-off-there-were_2979337.png)

> [Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/sorry-to-disappoint-the-liberals-who-tuned-in-tonight-to-gloat-about/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fc8/stephen-colbert-503_behinds_sorry-to-disappoint-the-liberals-who-tun_883943.png)

> [I'm not a standup. I didn't start off as a writer, I learned to write through improvisation, and so that's the part…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/i-m-not-a-standup-i-didn-t-start-off-as-a-writer-i-learned-to-write/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/363/stephen-colbert-503_i-can_i-m-not-a-standup-i-didn-t-start-off-as_2868062.jpg)

> [Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/not-living-in-fear-is-a-great-gift-because-certainly-these-days-we-do/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dd4/stephen-colbert-503_comedy_not-living-in-fear-is-a-great-gift-becau_2248133.jpg)

> [You should spend more time with your families; write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/you-should-spend-more-time-with-your-families-write-that-novel-you-ve/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/655/stephen-colbert-503_administration_you-should-spend-more-time-with-your-fam_989003.png)

> [I'm fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/i-m-fascinated-that-people-drawn-to-cults-want-to-know-what-to-do-and/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7b0/stephen-colbert-503_cult_i-m-fascinated-that-people-drawn-to-cult_853571.png)

> [The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work, and all I can do…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/the-trouble-with-the-jokes-is-that-once-they-re-written-i-know-how/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/519/stephen-colbert-503_between_the-trouble-with-the-jokes-is-that-once_1658738.jpg)

> [ We all know why \[the generals\] are so critical of the defense secretary. They're being defensive because they weren't able to implement… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/we-all-know-why-the-generals-are-so-critical-of-the-defense-secretary/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/787/stephen-colbert-503_able_we-all-know-why-the-generals-are-so-crit_2812898.png)

> [So what? A lobbyist cheated Indian tribes out of $25 million then laundered their money through phony Christian charities trying to stop…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/so-what-a-lobbyist-cheated-indian-tribes-out-of-25-million-then/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/163/stephen-colbert-503_bribe_so-what-a-lobbyist-cheated-indian-tribes_2910152.jpg)

> [There is a residual sense for me, having grown up in the early '70s, that I did not know I had, which…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/there-is-a-residual-sense-for-me-having-grown-up-in-the-early-70s/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/41c/stephen-colbert-503_america_there-is-a-residual-sense-for-me-having_2839507.png)

> [We are divided between those who think with their heads and those who know with their heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/we-are-divided-between-those-who-think-with-their-heads-and-those-who/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d43/stephen-colbert-503_absurd_we-are-divided-between-those-who-think-w_2178617.jpg)

> [If you're a perfectionist and you know you're about to do something at which you cannot be perfect, then that is daunting…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-you-re-a-perfectionist-and-you-know-you-re-about-to-do-something/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bd0/stephen-colbert-503_approach_if-you-re-a-perfectionist-and-you-know-y_1688701.png)

> [And that brings us to tonight's word: Truthiness. Now I'm sure some of the word-police, the 'wordanistas' over at Websters, are gonna…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/and-that-brings-us-to-tonight-s-word-truthiness-now-i-m-sure-some-of/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b71/stephen-colbert-503_book_and-that-brings-us-to-tonight-s-word-tru_2118486.png)

## Other authors on Knows

## More by Stephen Colbert

> [Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/don-t-be-bitter-everybody-suffers-if-you-can-accept-your-suffering/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/cynicism-masquerades-as-wisdom-but-it-is-the-farthest-thing-from-it/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/we-all-deserve-credit-for-this-new-surveillance-state-that-we-live-in/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/i-ve-long-been-against-illegal-aliens-partly-because-they-distract-us/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/believe-in-me-cause-i-don-t-believe-in-anything-and-i-wanna-be/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/it-s-august-which-means-congress-is-on-recess-and-mitch-mcconnell-has/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/try-to-love-others-and-serve-others-and-hopefully-find-those-who-love/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/thirty-seconds-is-the-exact-amount-of-time-americans-can-tolerate/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/i-used-to-make-up-stuff-in-my-bio-all-the-time-that-i-used-to-be-a/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/i-live-by-syllogisms-god-is-love-love-is-blind-stevie-wonder-is-blind/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/unlike-paul-newman-who-seems-to-think-that-salad-dressing-is-the-cure/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/now-for-my-younger-viewers-out-there-a-book-is-something-we-used-to/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/jesus-forgives-sinners-not-criminals/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/used-books-are-the-sluts-of-the-literary-world-passed-around-from/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [“Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/divorce-is-a-marital-welfare-it-s-just-couples-asking-society-to-bail/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

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                        "text": "Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.",
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                        "text": "Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem kind of gay.",
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                        "text": "You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you credit for how loud you say it.",
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                        "text": "Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.",
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                        "text": "Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.",
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                        "text": "Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds.",
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                        "text": "First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.",
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                        "text": "And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here's what I know -- these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are.",
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                        "text": "Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate.",
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                        "text": "I'm not a standup. I didn't start off as a writer, I learned to write through improvisation, and so that's the part of the show that can most surprise me. The written part of the show, I know I can get wrong. You can't really get the interview \"wrong.\"",
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                        "text": "Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.",
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                        "text": "You should spend more time with your families; write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know - fiction.",
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                        "text": "I'm fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And people want to know how to feel. Not just what to feel but how to feel.",
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                        "text": "The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work, and all I can do is not hit them. I'm more comfortable improvising. If I have just two or three ideas and I know how the character feels, what the character wants, everything in between is like trapeze work.",
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                        "text": "We all know why [the generals] are so critical of the defense secretary. They're being defensive because they weren't able to implement his brilliant plan [on screen: Operation 'Greet Us As Liberators']. It was so simple: Go in with 100,000 troops, topple the regime, everybody loves us, and we leave by Easter 2003. These ex-military men have their right to their opinions, that's fine. They just shouldn't voice them during a war [on screen: 'Loose Lips Sink Approval Ratings']",
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                        "text": "So what? A lobbyist cheated Indian tribes out of $25 million then laundered their money through phony Christian charities trying to stop other Indian tribes from getting casinos [on screen: 'Thou Shalt Not Compete'] and bribe congressmen in the process. Know what I call that? I call that business as usual in Washington. [on screen: 'Screwing Indians']",
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                        "text": "There is a residual sense for me, having grown up in the early '70s, that I did not know I had, which was a sense that the military are different than I. Because there was such a divide between the military world - and there still is, because there's no draft - and the civilian world is one of the rotten harvests of the Vietnam War, was this sort of bifurcation of America in that way.",
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                        "text": "We are divided between those who think with their heads and those who know with their heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If you think about Harriet Miers, of course her nomination is absurd. But the President didn't say he thought about his selection. He said this: \"I know her heart.\" Notice how he said nothing about her brain? He didn't have to. He feels the truth about Harriet Miers.",
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                        "text": "If you're a perfectionist and you know you're about to do something at which you cannot be perfect, then that is daunting because you know what your heart is like and the way you approach your work.",
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                        "text": "And that brings us to tonight's word: Truthiness. Now I'm sure some of the word-police, the 'wordanistas' over at Websters, are gonna say, 'Hey, that's not a word!' Well, anybody who knows me knows that I am no fan of dictionaries or reference books. They're elitist. Constantly telling us what is or isn't true, what did or didn't happen.",
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