---
title: "46 Knows Quotes By Mitch Hedberg"
description: "46 Knows quotes by Mitch Hedberg. Plus more from Mitch Hedberg and more Knows sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f8c/mitch-hedberg-695_believe_i-know-people-who-believe-in-ghosts-but_3090287.png"
---

> [I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-know-people-who-believe-in-ghosts-but-don-t-believe-in-themselves-2/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f8c/mitch-hedberg-695_believe_i-know-people-who-believe-in-ghosts-but_3090287.png)

> [Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/because-of-acid-i-now-know-that-butter-is-way-better-than-margarine/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/979/mitch-hedberg-695_acid_because-of-acid-i-now-know-that-butter-i_2493674.png)

> [I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-have-a-girlfriend-i-just-know-a-girl-who-would-get-really-mad/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de0/mitch-hedberg-695_date_i-don-t-have-a-girlfriend-i-just-know-a_1711853.png)

> [I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-rice-rice-is-great-if-you-re-hungry-and-want-2000-of-something-2/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/85f/mitch-hedberg-695_food_i-like-rice-rice-is-great-if-you-re-hung_2558969.png)

> [I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-love-my-fed-ex-guy-cause-he-s-a-drug-dealer-and-he-don-t-even-know/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/232/mitch-hedberg-695_causes_i-love-my-fed-ex-guy-cause-he-s-a-drug-d_1018428.png)

> [I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-got-a-king-sized-bed-i-don-t-know-any-kings-but-if-one-came-over-i/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/500/mitch-hedberg-695_bed_i-got-a-king-sized-bed-i-don-t-know-any_773479.png)

> [I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-sick-of-soup-of-the-day-man-it-s-time-we-make-a-decision-i-need/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbc/mitch-hedberg-695_decision_i-m-sick-of-soup-of-the-day-man-it-s-tim_17033.png)

> [I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-wearing-necklaces-because-it-lets-me-know-when-i-m-upside-down/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1b8/mitch-hedberg-695_jewelry_i-like-wearing-necklaces-because-it-lets_15166.png)

> [This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/this-one-commercial-said-forget-everything-you-know-about-slipcovers/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/49e/mitch-hedberg-695_forget_this-one-commercial-said-forget-everythi_308848.png)

> [Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/imagine-if-you-were-a-drummer-and-you-accidentally-picked-up-two/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/20c/mitch-hedberg-695_bass_imagine-if-you-were-a-drummer-and-you-ac_11120.png)

> [I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-get-the-reese-s-candy-bar-you-look-at-that-there-s-an-apostrophe-s/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a26/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_i-get-the-reese-s-candy-bar-you-look-at_622125.jpg)

> [I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-get-the-regular-aids-test-anymore-i-get-the-roundabout-aids/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/836/mitch-hedberg-695_aids_i-don-t-get-the-regular-aids-test-anymor_45988.png)

> [I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-the-park-and-saw-this-kid-flying-a-kite-the-kid-was-really/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a19/mitch-hedberg-695_chairs_i-went-to-the-park-and-saw-this-kid-flyi_1799283.jpg)

> [When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/when-i-get-a-cold-sore-i-put-carmex-on-it-because-carmex-is-supposed/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a9e/mitch-hedberg-695_alleviate_when-i-get-a-cold-sore-i-put-carmex-on-i_1766545.jpg)

> [There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/there-s-a-guy-in-the-audience-with-a-distinctive-laugh-i-hope-that/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b36/mitch-hedberg-695_audience_there-s-a-guy-in-the-audience-with-a-dis_111247.png)

> [I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-hate-dreaming-because-when-you-want-to-sleep-you-want-to-sleep/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8e3/mitch-hedberg-695_carts_i-hate-dreaming-because-when-you-want-to_2943666.jpg)

> [There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/there-was-a-product-on-late-night-tv-that-you-could-attach-to-your/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/385/mitch-hedberg-695_cactus_there-was-a-product-on-late-night-tv-tha_4050.jpg)

> [I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-when-they-say-a-movie-is-inspired-by-a-true-story-that-s-kind/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ff1/mitch-hedberg-695_car_i-like-when-they-say-a-movie-is-inspired_2032149.jpg)

> [If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/if-you-don-t-know-a-light-bulb-is-a-three-way-light-bulb-it-messes/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a39/mitch-hedberg-695_break_if-you-don-t-know-a-light-bulb-is-a-thre_2095505.jpg)

> [I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-saw-a-lady-on-tv-she-was-born-without-arms-that-s-sad-but-then-they/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce1/mitch-hedberg-695_arms_i-saw-a-lady-on-tv-she-was-born-without_3027108.png)

> [Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/has-anyone-seen-me-on-letterman-two-million-people-watch-that-show/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/943/mitch-hedberg-695_comedian_has-anyone-seen-me-on-letterman-two-mill_837236.png)

> [My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/my-apartment-is-infested-with-koala-bears-it-s-the-cutest-infestation/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a1f/mitch-hedberg-695_animal_my-apartment-is-infested-with-koala-bear_3176724.jpg)

> [Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/some-comics-get-drunk-before-a-show-i-don-t-when-i-get-drunk-i-don-t/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bda/mitch-hedberg-695_bunch_some-comics-get-drunk-before-a-show-i-do_1293914.png)

> [You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/you-know-they-call-corn-on-the-cob-corn-on-the-cob-but-that-s-how-it/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6aa/mitch-hedberg-695_arms_you-know-they-call-corn-on-the-cob-corn_2542936.jpg)

> [I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-know-how-to-fix-a-car-if-the-car-breaks-down-and-the-gas-tank/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ed3/mitch-hedberg-695_aka_i-don-t-know-how-to-fix-a-car-if-the-car_49697.png)

> [I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-baked-potatoes-i-don-t-have-a-microwave-oven-and-it-takes/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b9/mitch-hedberg-695_bake_i-like-baked-potatoes-i-don-t-have-a-mic_2446809.jpg)

> [My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/my-friend-said-to-me-you-know-what-i-like-mashed-potatoes-i-was-like/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7b4/mitch-hedberg-695_friendship_my-friend-said-to-me-you-know-what-i-lik_328983.png)

> [I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-play-the-guitar-i-taught-myself-how-to-play-the-guitar-which-was-a/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ae7/mitch-hedberg-695_bad-decision_i-play-the-guitar-i-taught-myself-how-to_2723303.png)

> [I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-know-people-who-believe-in-ghosts-but-don-t-believe-in-themselves/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5c7/mitch-hedberg-695_believe_i-know-people-who-believe-in-ghosts-but_894361.png)

> [We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/we-re-gonna-have-to-sweeten-some-of-these-jokes-for-the-cd-you-know/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d6/mitch-hedberg-695_add_we-re-gonna-have-to-sweeten-some-of-thes_1016879.png)

> [I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity!…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-was-going-to-stay-overnight-at-my-friend-s-house-he-said-you-ll/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2f0/mitch-hedberg-695_damn_i-was-going-to-stay-overnight-at-my-frie_2662813.png)

> [I like it when people come to see me again, but you end up playing to that person only. You know there's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-it-when-people-come-to-see-me-again-but-you-end-up-playing-to/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e6a/mitch-hedberg-695_ends_i-like-it-when-people-come-to-see-me-aga_2821205.png)

> [I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-have-a-sharpie-i-love-sharpies-you-know-what-they-say-on-them-not/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/26d/mitch-hedberg-695_communicate_i-have-a-sharpie-i-love-sharpies-you-kno_2692217.png)

> [I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-bought-a-scratch-off-lottery-ticket-but-then-i-accidentally-spilled/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c3a/mitch-hedberg-695_funny_i-bought-a-scratch-off-lottery-ticket-bu_1660610.png)

> [You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/you-know-when-you-see-an-advertisement-for-a-casino-and-they-have-a/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c0/mitch-hedberg-695_advertisements_you-know-when-you-see-an-advertisement-f_2783166.png)

> [I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-have-a-few-cavities-i-don-t-like-to-call-them-cavities-though-i/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6cc/mitch-hedberg-695_available_i-have-a-few-cavities-i-don-t-like-to-ca_1439826.png)

> [You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/you-know-crazy-straws-they-go-all-over-the-place-these-straws-are/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bc7/mitch-hedberg-695_crazy_you-know-crazy-straws-they-go-all-over-t_2012549.png)

> [The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/the-next-time-i-move-i-hope-i-get-a-real-easy-phone-number-something/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2fa/mitch-hedberg-695_answers_the-next-time-i-move-i-hope-i-get-a-real_2783777.png)

> [People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/people-who-smoke-cigarettes-they-say-you-don-t-know-how-hard-it-is-to/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/989/mitch-hedberg-695_cigarette_people-who-smoke-cigarettes-they-say-you_3186799.png)

> [I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-own-a-cell-phone-or-a-pager-i-just-hang-around-everyone-i/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/808/mitch-hedberg-695_cell-phone_i-don-t-own-a-cell-phone-or-a-pager-i-ju_1779517.png)

## Other authors on Knows

## More by Mitch Hedberg

> [I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-wear-a-watch-because-i-want-my-arms-to-weigh-the-same-so-if/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/there-was-a-product-on-late-night-tv-that-you-could-attach-to-your/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/imagine-if-you-were-a-drummer-and-you-accidentally-picked-up-two/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-wearing-necklaces-because-it-lets-me-know-when-i-m-upside-down/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-sick-of-soup-of-the-day-man-it-s-time-we-make-a-decision-i-need/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-have-a-friend-who-is-a-juggler-if-i-m-at-his-house-i-don-t-like-to/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-get-the-regular-aids-test-anymore-i-get-the-roundabout-aids/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-know-how-to-fix-a-car-if-the-car-breaks-down-and-the-gas-tank/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-drank-some-boiling-water-because-i-wanted-to-whistle/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/what-s-a-sesame-seed-grow-into-i-don-t-know-we-never-give-them-a/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-an-ice-sculptor-last-night-i-made-a-cube/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-a-restaurant-with-my-friend-and-he-said-pass-the-salt-i/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-had-a-bag-of-fritos-they-were-texas-grilled-fritos-these-fritos-had/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-bought-a-house-it-s-a-two-bedroom-house-but-i-think-it-s-up-to-me/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/mr-pibb-is-a-poor-imitation-of-dr-pepper-dude-didn-t-even-get-his/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

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                        "text": "This one commercial said, \"Forget everything you know about slipcovers.\" So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!",
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                        "text": "When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.",
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                        "text": "I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.",
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                        "text": "There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - \"You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this.\" Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. \"Think like a cactus!\"",
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                        "text": "I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. \"Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?\" \"Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!\"",
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                        "text": "If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!",
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                        "text": "I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, \"Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'.\" That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!",
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                        "text": "Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. \"You might have seen this next comedian at the store,\" and people would say \"Hell yes I have!\"",
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                        "text": "My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like \"Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf.\"",
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                        "text": "Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!",
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                        "text": "You know they call corn-on-the-cob, \"corn-on-the-cob\", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it \"Mitch\", but then re-attached it, and call it \"Mitch-all-together\".",
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                        "text": "I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say \"E\", I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says \"E\", I get all cocky - \"I've got this one, don't worry.\" So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.",
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                        "text": "I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?",
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                        "text": "My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.",
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                        "text": "I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.",
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                        "text": "I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.",
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                        "text": "We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for \"add sugar to\".",
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                        "text": "The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, \"Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?\" I'll say, \"Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough.\"",
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