---
title: "49 Knows Quotes By Jon Stewart"
description: "49 Knows quotes by Jon Stewart. Plus more from Jon Stewart and more Knows sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/81e/jon-stewart-455_fame_we-all-know-what-happens-to-celebrities_2825929.jpg"
---

> [We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/we-all-know-what-happens-to-celebrities-when-their-time-is-up-rehab/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/81e/jon-stewart-455_fame_we-all-know-what-happens-to-celebrities_2825929.jpg)

> [It's harder to eat meat when you know the animal's name...I have found.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/it-s-harder-to-eat-meat-when-you-know-the-animal-s-name-i-have-found/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7ef/jon-stewart-455_animal_it-s-harder-to-eat-meat-when-you-know-th_2752428.jpg)

> [I don't know how people feel,that's the beauty of TV, is they can see us, but we can't see them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/i-don-t-know-how-people-feel-that-s-the-beauty-of-tv-is-they-can-see/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/678/jon-stewart-455_beauty_i-don-t-know-how-people-feel-that-s-the_1452.jpg)

> [ It's nice to know that \[God\] can destroy us in a myriad of ways. ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/it-s-nice-to-know-that-god-can-destroy-us-in-a-myriad-of-ways/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/12d/jon-stewart-455_destroy_it-s-nice-to-know-that-god-can-destroy-u_2722806.jpg)

> [Do you know how many movies I wrote when I was high?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/do-you-know-how-many-movies-i-wrote-when-i-was-high/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/15f/jon-stewart-455_do-you-know_do-you-know-how-many-movies-i-wrote-when_2571655.jpg)

> [I know change can be painful. But from change comes growth.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/i-know-change-can-be-painful-but-from-change-comes-growth/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/41a/jon-stewart-455_change_i-know-change-can-be-painful-but-from-ch_2195502.jpg)

> [You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/you-know-in-saudi-arabia-you-re-innocent-until-proven-jewish-female/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c24/jon-stewart-455_arabia_you-know-in-saudi-arabia-you-re-innocent_33740.jpg)

> [You know, I just want to say to her (Sarah Palin), just very quickly...F-- you.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/you-know-i-just-want-to-say-to-her-sarah-palin-just-very-quickly-f-you/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7fe/jon-stewart-455_knows_you-know-i-just-want-to-say-to-her-sarah_1156842.jpg)

> [The American people, or at least the ones that I get on the subway with - they know there's a real threat…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/the-american-people-or-at-least-the-ones-that-i-get-on-the-subway/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/be7/jon-stewart-455_ability_the-american-people-or-at-least-the-ones_2425114.jpg)

> [Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/everyone-knows-if-a-republican-comes-out-of-the-closet-and-sees-a-gay/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/499/jon-stewart-455_administration_everyone-knows-if-a-republican-comes-out_1792814.jpg)

> [You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/you-know-if-i-had-nickel-for-every-time-bush-has-mentioned-9-11-i/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bc2/jon-stewart-455_bin-laden_you-know-if-i-had-nickel-for-every-time_2991632.jpg)

> [No health care for poor kids? You know, I thought something like that was only done by cartoon villains. You're (Pres. Bush)…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/no-health-care-for-poor-kids-you-know-i-thought-something-like-that/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dff/jon-stewart-455_care_no-health-care-for-poor-kids-you-know-i_1965185.jpg)

> [Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/alright-guys-i-want-to-get-out-there-and-vote-tomorrow-and-not/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1e9/jon-stewart-455_alright_alright-guys-i-want-to-get-out-there-and_1211481.jpg)

> [Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/do-you-know-what-writing-a-book-is-it-s-sitting-alone-in-a-room-for/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0b5/jon-stewart-455_book_do-you-know-what-writing-a-book-is-it-s_150886.jpg)

> [We look at, the absurdity of the system provides us the most material. And that is best served by sort of the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/we-look-at-the-absurdity-of-the-system-provides-us-the-most-material/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/17e/jon-stewart-455_absurdity_we-look-at-the-absurdity-of-the-system-p_400406.jpg)

> [If Obama's a tyrant, then he's pretty lame for a tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/if-obama-s-a-tyrant-then-he-s-pretty-lame-for-a-tyrant-how-many/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c85/jon-stewart-455_do-you-know_if-obama-s-a-tyrant-then-he-s-pretty-lam_2822198.jpg)

> [Does anyone know... does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because... uh... you've all been in charge pretty much since...…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/does-anyone-know-does-the-christian-persecution-complex-have-an/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/89c/jon-stewart-455_christian_does-anyone-know-does-the-christian-pers_2161673.jpg)

> [I know that my job is to perform, it wouldn't be a very interesting show if I just came out one day…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/i-know-that-my-job-is-to-perform-it-wouldn-t-be-a-very-interesting/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1eb/jon-stewart-455_back-and-forth_i-know-that-my-job-is-to-perform-it-woul_1176829.jpg)

> [Everybody wrings their hands about Fox News. You know, "fair and balanced? Why, that's snide!" Yeah, okay, maybe they're not fair and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/everybody-wrings-their-hands-about-fox-news-you-know-fair-and/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ac9/jon-stewart-455_balanced_everybody-wrings-their-hands-about-fox-n_611711.jpg)

> [The government is just you know, blowing the doors off the media. And not everywhere, and I think, this is where you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/the-government-is-just-you-know-blowing-the-doors-off-the-media-and/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/591/jon-stewart-455_blogs_the-government-is-just-you-know-blowing_1863358.jpg)

> [I'm a bit down. Liza Minelli and David Gest, I don't know how it didn't work out. How can a man who…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/i-m-a-bit-down-liza-minelli-and-david-gest-i-don-t-know-how-it-didn-t/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/889/jon-stewart-455_amount_i-m-a-bit-down-liza-minelli-and-david-ge_1170514.jpg)

> [One of the things that I do think government counts on is that people are busy. And it's very difficult to mobilize…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/one-of-the-things-that-i-do-think-government-counts-on-is-that-people/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f9a/jon-stewart-455_affluent_one-of-the-things-that-i-do-think-govern_461852.jpg)

> [I could never wrap my head around why the world and the President that Republicans describe bears so little resemblance to the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/i-could-never-wrap-my-head-around-why-the-world-and-the-president/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fc8/jon-stewart-455_bears_i-could-never-wrap-my-head-around-why-th_2116080.jpg)

> [Yes! We finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the public by…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/yes-we-finally-captured-martha-stewart-you-know-with-all-the-massive/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/996/jon-stewart-455_captured_yes-we-finally-captured-martha-stewart-y_1848989.jpg)

> [After a long investigation the SEC has fined Halliburton $7.5 million for issuing fraudulent statements exaggerating their profits in 1998 and 1999…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/after-a-long-investigation-the-sec-has-fined-halliburton-7-5-million/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9ce/jon-stewart-455_allegations_after-a-long-investigation-the-sec-has-f_2187717.jpg)

> [Hopefully the process is to spot things that would be grist for the funny mill. In some respects, the heavier subjects are…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/hopefully-the-process-is-to-spot-things-that-would-be-grist-for-the/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e34/jon-stewart-455_audience_hopefully-the-process-is-to-spot-things_2541025.jpg)

> [You guys (Boko Haram) are trying so hard to convince everybody that you're such badasses. But all you've done with this kidnapping…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/you-guys-boko-haram-are-trying-so-hard-to-convince-everybody-that-you/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fd8/jon-stewart-455_badass_you-guys-boko-haram-are-trying-so-hard-t_2323919.jpg)

> [The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/the-jews-celebrate-passover-by-eating-unpalatable-food-to-remind-them/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d76/jon-stewart-455_angel_the-jews-celebrate-passover-by-eating-un_1622374.jpg)

> [I think that's why they're so really - here's the disconnect. It's sort of this odd and I've always had this problem…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/i-think-that-s-why-they-re-so-really-here-s-the-disconnect-it-s-sort/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5dd/jon-stewart-455_baghdad_i-think-that-s-why-they-re-so-really-her_1190718.jpg)

> [On a more personal note we in this country we have a very tragic situation occur at one of our universities and,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/on-a-more-personal-note-we-in-this-country-we-have-a-very-tragic/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e24/jon-stewart-455_bases_on-a-more-personal-note-we-in-this-count_2192550.jpg)

> [ \[If President Bush is right about democracy in Iraq\] I may, and I don't know if I can physically do this, implode. ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/if-president-bush-is-right-about-democracy-in-iraq-i-may-and-i-don-t/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7b5/jon-stewart-455_democracy_if-president-bush-is-right-about-democra_2094054.jpg)

> [ Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to \[inspire people\] when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/everybody-thought-barack-obama-was-going-to-inspire-people-when-he/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5ff/jon-stewart-455_barack_everybody-thought-barack-obama-was-going_738803.jpg)

> [Fire up your heart for the wind is getting cold, now it always gets cold for the riders of the night. When…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/fire-up-your-heart-for-the-wind-is-getting-cold-now-it-always-gets/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e8a/jon-stewart-455_bird_fire-up-your-heart-for-the-wind-is-getti_169007.jpg)

> [You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/you-know-i-ve-always-wanted-to-be-a-young-charles-kuralt-i-started-in/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/732/jon-stewart-455_business_you-know-i-ve-always-wanted-to-be-a-youn_915323.jpg)

> [ \[CNN, USA Today\] they've got 24 hours to fill. You know, how many times can Anna Nicole Smith's baby get a new father? ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/cnn-usa-today-they-ve-got-24-hours-to-fill-you-know-how-many-times/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/639/jon-stewart-455_24-hours_cnn-usa-today-they-ve-got-24-hours-to-fi_2516478.jpg)

> [By working to get away from your circumstance you can make something better of yourself, but there’s no guarantee... But you know…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/by-working-to-get-away-from-your-circumstance-you-can-make-something/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/79a/jon-stewart-455_chasing_by-working-to-get-away-from-your-circums_2296084.jpg)

> [How do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? The honest answer is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/how-do-you-know-what-is-the-right-path-to-choose-to-get-the-result/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/922/jon-stewart-455_accepting_how-do-you-know-what-is-the-right-path-t_1311345.jpg)

> [Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/body-hair-you-know-when-you-re-swimming-as-a-kid-and-you-want-to/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbd/jon-stewart-455_beaver_body-hair-you-know-when-you-re-swimming_675814.jpg)

> [High school. You know, people say, 'I'll never do so-and-so again' - then they do it. So what? Sometimes somebody has crack,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/high-school-you-know-people-say-i-ll-never-do-so-and-so-again-then/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eee/jon-stewart-455_awake_high-school-you-know-people-say-i-ll-nev_2950217.jpg)

> [There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/there-s-always-anxiety-when-you-start-a-new-job-you-re-the-one-guy/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8c2/jon-stewart-455_anxiety_there-s-always-anxiety-when-you-start-a_414201.jpg)

## Other authors on Knows

## More by Jon Stewart

> [Clearly, I'm way older than everyone.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/clearly-i-m-way-older-than-everyone/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [I don't know how people feel,that's the beauty of TV, is they can see us, but we can't see them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/i-don-t-know-how-people-feel-that-s-the-beauty-of-tv-is-they-can-see/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [I don't think marijuana should be illegal.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/i-don-t-think-marijuana-should-be-illegal/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it's not even…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/i-reject-the-idea-there-are-just-two-sides-i-think-that-with-the/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/megachurches-i-can-t-be-the-only-one-frightened-when-our-houses-of/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [While opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal, The New York Times recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income taxes, reformed welfare and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/while-opponents-label-howard-dean-a-throwback-liberal-the-new-york/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/you-just-have-to-keep-trying-to-do-good-work-and-hope-that-it-leads/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/you-know-in-saudi-arabia-you-re-innocent-until-proven-jewish-female/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/the-unfortunate-yet-truly-exciting-thing-about-your-life-is-that/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [A guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/a-guy-who-says-what-people-who-aren-t-thinking-are-thinking/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/do-you-guys-have-to-sell-everything-i-d-like-to-buy-the-earth-s-core/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.'…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/christmas-and-the-new-year-are-actually-two-holidays-so-there-is-a/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [We're going to do a challenge. I'm going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/we-re-going-to-do-a-challenge-i-m-going-to-try-and-download-every/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/our-culture-is-just-a-series-of-checks-and-balances-the-whole-idea/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't you know, it's interesting. I think we don't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/for-me-it-was-just-exciting-to-see-fake-news-catching-on-like-that-we/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

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                        "text": "Does anyone know... does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because... uh... you've all been in charge pretty much since... uh... what was that guys name... Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success.",
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                        "text": "I know that my job is to perform, it wouldn't be a very interesting show if I just came out one day and said, \"I'm going to sit here in a ball and rock back and forth. And won't you join me for a half hour of sadness.\"",
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                        "text": "Everybody wrings their hands about Fox News. You know, \"fair and balanced? Why, that's snide!\" Yeah, okay, maybe they're not fair and balanced, but CNN used to have the slogan \"You Can Depend on CNN\". Guess what? I watch it, no you can't. So what's the difference?",
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                        "text": "The government is just you know, blowing the doors off the media. And not everywhere, and I think, this is where you know, a lot of those blog reporters and all of those things are bringing a lot of urgency and a lot of momentum to stories that wouldn't normally carry any momentum.",
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                        "text": "I'm a bit down. Liza Minelli and David Gest, I don't know how it didn't work out. How can a man who likes other men and a woman who drinks not get along? The interesting thing is this - there is no conceivable amount of money worth telling the world that you were beaten up by Liza Minelli.",
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                        "text": "One of the things that I do think government counts on is that people are busy. And it's very difficult to mobilize a busy and relatively affluent country, unless it's over really crucial- you know, foundational issues.",
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                        "text": "I could never wrap my head around why the world and the President that Republicans describe bears so little resemblance to the world and the President that I experience. And now I know why. There is a President Obama that only Republicans can see.",
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                        "text": "Yes! We finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the public by companies like Enron, Global Crossing, and Tyco we finally got the ring leader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle.",
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                        "text": "After a long investigation the SEC has fined Halliburton $7.5 million for issuing fraudulent statements exaggerating their profits in 1998 and 1999 during which their CEO was - oh who was it? Oh that's right. ... Cheney himself has not been implicated in the scandal and according to Cheney's lawyer there is no allegation whatsoever that he acted in any way other than in the best interests of the company and its shareholders. And you know what? It's still true today.",
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                        "text": "Hopefully the process is to spot things that would be grist for the funny mill. In some respects, the heavier subjects are the ones that are most loaded with opportunity because they have the most - you know, the difference between potential and kinetic energy? - they have the most potential energy, so to delve into that gives you the largest combustion, the most interest. I don't mean for the audience. I mean for us. Everyone here is working too hard to do stuff we don't care about.",
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                        "text": "You guys (Boko Haram) are trying so hard to convince everybody that you're such badasses. But all you've done with this kidnapping is highlight who the real badasses are, the kids you kidnapped. Compared to a teenager who knows that her desire for an education could get her dragged into a snake infested jungle to be sold as a bribe to some demented, stick-chewing cartoon villain but still gets up and goes to class everyday, fully aware of that danger - compared to their courage - I'd say Boko Haram is a bunch of little girls. But, you know what? You don't deserve that compliment.",
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                        "text": "The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. The traditional meal often includes gefilte fish. For those of you who don't know what gefilte fish is, it strongly resembles a ball of tuna fish that has been passed nasally. It's not good. During Passover, the angel of death passed over the Jews - an event that, up until the late 1950s, was re-enacted every year by Ivy League colleges and suburban country clubs.",
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                        "text": "I think that's why they're so really - here's the disconnect. It's sort of this odd and I've always had this problem with the rationality of it. That the President [George W.Bush] says, \"We are in the fight for a way of life. This is the greatest battle of our generation, and of the generations to come. \"And, so what I'm going to do is you know, Iraq has to be won, or our way of life ends, and our children and our children's children all suffer. So, what I'm gonna do is send 10,000 more troops to Baghdad.\"",
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                        "text": "On a more personal note we in this country we have a very tragic situation occur at one of our universities and, it really has taken the country aback and there's a real grieving process that we're going through, And going through it mourning and learning about the victims and-learning about it and showing our support, you know, I hesitate to say, how does your country handle what is that type of carnage on a daily basis?",
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                        "text": "[If President Bush is right about democracy in Iraq] I may, and I don't know if I can physically do this, implode.",
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