---
title: "38 Knows Quotes By Jerry Seinfeld"
description: "38 Knows quotes by Jerry Seinfeld. Plus more from Jerry Seinfeld and more Knows sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f0f/jerry-seinfeld-880_biologist_did-you-know-that-the-original-title-for_1928088.jpg"
---

> [Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/did-you-know-that-the-original-title-for-war-and-peace-was-war-what/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f0f/jerry-seinfeld-880_biologist_did-you-know-that-the-original-title-for_1928088.jpg)

> [I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-don-t-return-fruit-fruit-s-a-gamble-i-know-that-going-in/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5e3/jerry-seinfeld-880_fruit_i-don-t-return-fruit-fruit-s-a-gamble-i_606099.jpg)

> [What's the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/what-s-the-point-of-dating-without-games-how-do-you-know-if-you-re/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b8/jerry-seinfeld-880_dating_what-s-the-point-of-dating-without-games_1617956.jpg)

> [You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/you-know-why-fish-are-so-thin-they-eat-fish/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b16/jerry-seinfeld-880_fishes_you-know-why-fish-are-so-thin-they-eat-f_989190.jpg)

> [I wonder is illiterate people know the full meaning of alphabet soup?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-wonder-is-illiterate-people-know-the-full-meaning-of-alphabet-soup/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/13b/jerry-seinfeld-880_alphabet_i-wonder-is-illiterate-people-know-the-f_2193351.jpg)

> [I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-know-what-i-m-doing-just-show-me-somebody-naked/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6fa/jerry-seinfeld-880_knows_i-know-what-i-m-doing-just-show-me-someb_2850383.jpg)

> [You know how your charger for your phone? It's like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/you-know-how-your-charger-for-your-phone-it-s-like-if-you-had-a/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/086/jerry-seinfeld-880_body_you-know-how-your-charger-for-your-phone_821806.jpg)

> [The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/the-less-you-know-about-a-field-the-better-your-odds-dumb-boldness-is/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4b7/jerry-seinfeld-880_approach_the-less-you-know-about-a-field-the-bett_2219430.jpg)

> [I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-ll-tell-you-what-i-like-about-chinese-people-they-re-hanging-in/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d8/jerry-seinfeld-880_chinese_i-ll-tell-you-what-i-like-about-chinese_2501220.jpg)

> [I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-didn-t-know-every-day-i-would-be-discussing-the-tone-of-my-voice/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1a0/jerry-seinfeld-880_discussing_i-didn-t-know-every-day-i-would-be-discu_764404.jpg)

> [See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/see-the-thing-of-it-is-there-s-a-lot-of-ugly-people-out-there-walking/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/331/jerry-seinfeld-880_knows_see-the-thing-of-it-is-there-s-a-lot-of_1433637.jpg)

> [It's like having... you know, your phone has a charger, right? It's like having a charger for your whole body and mind.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/it-s-like-having-you-know-your-phone-has-a-charger-right-it-s-like/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c26/jerry-seinfeld-880_body_it-s-like-having-you-know-your-phone-has_1071935.jpg)

> [ \[I like to\] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. \[Whereas when I meet\] anybody… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-like-to-engage-with-funny-people-or-weird-people-or-you-know-kind/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e9d/jerry-seinfeld-880_curious_i-like-to-engage-with-funny-people-or-we_486070.jpg)

> [I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-always-did-well-on-the-essay-questions-just-put-everything-you-know/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5fd/jerry-seinfeld-880_essays_i-always-did-well-on-the-essay-questions_1354446.jpg)

> [Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/everybody-in-new-york-city-knows-there-s-way-more-cars-than-parking/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/613/jerry-seinfeld-880_car_everybody-in-new-york-city-knows-there-s_686364.jpg)

> [You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/you-know-why-dogs-have-no-money-no-pockets-cause-they-see-change-on/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/be6/jerry-seinfeld-880_animal_you-know-why-dogs-have-no-money-no-pocke_2907166.jpg)

> [So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you're a kid your brain can't even process the information. You're…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/so-the-first-time-you-hear-the-concept-of-halloween-when-you-re-a-kid/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/514/jerry-seinfeld-880_brain_so-the-first-time-you-hear-the-concept-o_1146908.jpg)

> [The best piece of advice I received before I got married was, "Be careful what you say when you're in a fight,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/the-best-piece-of-advice-i-received-before-i-got-married-was-be/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c2b/jerry-seinfeld-880_advice_the-best-piece-of-advice-i-received-befo_458834.jpg)

> [The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I'm making 22 minutes; I know there's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/the-internet-offers-opportunities-that-are-more-unique-than-ever/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b8c/jerry-seinfeld-880_anything_the-internet-offers-opportunities-that-a_1245739.jpg)

> [Sometimes you can do certain things on stage, or even in a TV series, and people see the look on your face…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/sometimes-you-can-do-certain-things-on-stage-or-even-in-a-tv-series/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/81b/jerry-seinfeld-880_animated_sometimes-you-can-do-certain-things-on-s_2221197.jpg)

> [See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/see-you-know-how-to-take-the-reservation-you-just-don-t-know-how-to/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ca8/jerry-seinfeld-880_important_see-you-know-how-to-take-the-reservation_3071193.jpg)

> [I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-know-there-are-kids-out-there-i-want-to-make-sure-they-all-know/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0b7/jerry-seinfeld-880_backgrounds_i-know-there-are-kids-out-there-i-want-t_2778039.jpg)

> [We know the product is going to stink. We know that because we live in the world, and we know that everything…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/we-know-the-product-is-going-to-stink-we-know-that-because-we-live-in/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/38f/jerry-seinfeld-880_believe_we-know-the-product-is-going-to-stink-we_3199092.jpg)

> [With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/with-any-kind-of-physical-test-i-don-t-know-what-it-is-i-always-seem/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5bc/jerry-seinfeld-880_balls_with-any-kind-of-physical-test-i-don-t-k_1897796.jpg)

> [You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/you-know-what-i-never-get-with-the-limo-the-tinted-windows-is-that-so/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6ca/jerry-seinfeld-880_antenna_you-know-what-i-never-get-with-the-limo_161800.jpg)

> [What causes homophobia? What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this? I think it's because deep down all men…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/what-causes-homophobia-what-is-it-that-makes-the-heterosexual-man/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2be/jerry-seinfeld-880_bits_what-causes-homophobia-what-is-it-that-m_940134.jpg)

> [The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/the-idea-behind-the-tuxedo-is-the-woman-s-point-of-view-that-men-are/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/447/jerry-seinfeld-880_beautiful_the-idea-behind-the-tuxedo-is-the-woman_949332.jpg)

> [A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/a-dog-will-stay-stupid-that-s-why-we-love-them-so-much-the-entire/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/68a/jerry-seinfeld-880_accomplish_a-dog-will-stay-stupid-that-s-why-we-lov_3182767.jpg)

> [I think the answer is we all need a little help, and the coffee's a little help with everything — social, energy,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-think-the-answer-is-we-all-need-a-little-help-and-the-coffee-s-a/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/600/jerry-seinfeld-880_afternoon_i-think-the-answer-is-we-all-need-a-litt_1387073.jpg)

> [A movie is kind of like being the captain of a ship, which is nice, but when I perform by myself it's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/a-movie-is-kind-of-like-being-the-captain-of-a-ship-which-is-nice-but/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/031/jerry-seinfeld-880_captains_a-movie-is-kind-of-like-being-the-captai_1595647.jpg)

> [I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-do-not-know-why-anyone-would-host-an-awards-show-no-matter-how/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6df/jerry-seinfeld-880_award-shows_i-do-not-know-why-anyone-would-host-an-a_385826.jpg)

> [My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what's surprised me is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/my-wife-is-funny-and-i-dabble-in-it-so-being-funny-is-big-around-our/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/29f/jerry-seinfeld-880_accent_my-wife-is-funny-and-i-dabble-in-it-so-b_681534.jpg)

> [You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/you-know-i-have-been-issued-a-public-urination-pass-by-the-city/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b74/jerry-seinfeld-880_brother_you-know-i-have-been-issued-a-public-uri_999419.jpg)

> [I am a very organized person. I get up at 6:15 a.m., the kids get up at 6:45 a.m., and so I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-am-a-very-organized-person-i-get-up-at-6-15-a-m-the-kids-get-up-at/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/808/jerry-seinfeld-880_done_i-am-a-very-organized-person-i-get-up-at_2045412.jpg)

> [I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-know-i-m-not-going-to-understand-women-i-ll-never-understand-how/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a01/jerry-seinfeld-880_boiling_i-know-i-m-not-going-to-understand-women_2153548.jpg)

> [This is really a crazy idea, you know. It probably won't work, but that will be interesting, too. You have to motivate…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/this-is-really-a-crazy-idea-you-know-it-probably-won-t-work-but-that/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f8/jerry-seinfeld-880_alive_this-is-really-a-crazy-idea-you-know-it_91230.jpg)

> [I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-have-a-problem-with-the-strip-that-runs-along-the-bottom-of-the/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d5/jerry-seinfeld-880_bottom_i-have-a-problem-with-the-strip-that-run_847878.jpg)

> [To me a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/to-me-a-lawyer-is-basically-the-person-that-knows-the-rules-of-the-2/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/856/jerry-seinfeld-880_america_to-me-a-lawyer-is-basically-the-person-t_1789538.jpg)

## Other authors on Knows

## More by Jerry Seinfeld

> [“i chose not to run”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-chose-not-to-run/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [We’re all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive in, it doesn’t matter. What matters is when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/we-re-all-trying-to-get-to-the-same-island-whether-you-swim-fly-surf/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-have-a-nice-bookshelf-in-my-office-but-not-my-house-i-m-crass-but/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/there-s-no-downside-to-fame-and-people-who-whine-about-it-make-me/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [We're all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn't matter. What matters is when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/we-re-all-trying-to-get-to-the-same-island-whether-you-swim-fly-surf-2/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication...Not easy. There's an entire wall of products you need.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-was-in-the-drug-store-the-other-day-trying-to-get-a-cold-medication/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [I went up to the camp and Paul had me eat my first oyster I had never had an oyster in my life. And…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-went-up-to-the-camp-and-paul-had-me-eat-my-first-oyster-i-had-never/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/then-finally-the-third-year-begging-the-parents-i-got-the-superman/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [This is really a crazy idea, you know. It probably won't work, but that will be interesting, too. You have to motivate yourself with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/this-is-really-a-crazy-idea-you-know-it-probably-won-t-work-but-that/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/if-you-get-something-right-you-really-feel-it-right-in-your-chest-on/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/people-have-an-infinite-attention-span-if-you-are-entertaining-them/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/it-s-hard-to-do-nothing-because-you-tend-to-do-something-and-then-you/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/a-really-hard-laugh-is-like-sex-one-of-the-ultimate-diversions-of/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/there-are-many-things-you-can-point-to-as-proof-that-the-human-is-not/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/you-know-what-i-never-get-with-the-limo-the-tinted-windows-is-that-so/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

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                        "text": "So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you're a kid your brain can't even process the information. You're like: \"What is this? What did you say?\" \"What did you say about giving out candy? Who's giving out candy?\" \"Everyone that we know is just giving out candy!\"",
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                        "text": "The best piece of advice I received before I got married was, \"Be careful what you say when you're in a fight, because it could stick in someone's head.\" I don't think I've ever said anything I really regretted. I'm very sympathetic to women. I've really studied wife-ology, and I know you've got to figure out the feelings. Deal with the feelings.",
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                        "text": "The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I'm making 22 minutes; I know there's a commercial in the middle. With the Internet, no one knows anything. No rules.",
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                        "text": "Sometimes you can do certain things on stage, or even in a TV series, and people see the look on your face and they know what you mean, so you can get away with certain things. But if you can't create that look on an animated character, which is essentially a puppet, the line will hit the audience in a very bad way.",
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                        "text": "See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.",
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                        "text": "I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do. It is not something I plan to make a habit.",
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                        "text": "We know the product is going to stink. We know that because we live in the world, and we know that everything stinks. We all believe, Hey, maybe this one wont stink. We are a hopeful species. Stupid but hopeful. But were happy in that moment between the commercial and the purchase. And I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to buy useless, low-quality, misrepresented items and services is an excellent use of your energy.",
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                        "text": "With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do those hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know? I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and go, 'We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet the President.'",
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                        "text": "You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.",
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                        "text": "What causes homophobia? What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this? I think it's because deep down all men know that we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, 'Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store thinking it's a shoe store and the salesmen says, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around a little bit, see how it feels. No obligation, no pressure, just try it.'",
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                        "text": "The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.",
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                        "text": "A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of your dog. Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door; the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, He's back. It's that guy, that same guy. He can't believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. Another can of food? I don't believe it.",
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                        "text": "I think the answer is we all need a little help, and the coffee's a little help with everything — social, energy, don't know what to do next, don't know how to start my day, don't know how to get through this afternoon, don't know how to stay alert. We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.",
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                        "text": "A movie is kind of like being the captain of a ship, which is nice, but when I perform by myself it's just surfing on the water and nobody really knows what happens.",
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                        "text": "To me a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has actually read the inside of the top of the box.",
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