--- title: "19 Knows Quotes By Emo Philips" description: "19 Knows quotes by Emo Philips. Plus more from Emo Philips and more Knows sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b9a/emo-philips-1788_anthropologists_you-know-a-lot-of-girls-go-out-with-me-j_1853595.png" --- > [You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/you-know-a-lot-of-girls-go-out-with-me-just-to-further-their-careers/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b9a/emo-philips-1788_anthropologists_you-know-a-lot-of-girls-go-out-with-me-j_1853595.png) > [You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/you-know-what-i-hate-the-most-people-that-imitate-owls/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ca/emo-philips-1788_hate_you-know-what-i-hate-the-most-people-tha_1446199.png) > [I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-lent-a-friend-of-mine-10-000-for-plastic-surgery-and-now-i-don-t/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b53/emo-philips-1788_botox_i-lent-a-friend-of-mine-10-000-for-plast_2947866.png) > [Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/don-t-wear-fur-did-you-know-a-single-fur-coat-takes-fifteen-trees/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/758/emo-philips-1788_coats_don-t-wear-fur-did-you-know-a-single-fur_2095091.png) > [I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-don-t-know-how-electricity-works-all-i-know-is-that-it-calms-me/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b0/emo-philips-1788_calm_i-don-t-know-how-electricity-works-all-i_2247876.png) > [I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-think-my-ex-girlfriend-has-weekly-lessons-with-the-devil-on-how-to/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ad7/emo-philips-1788_devil_i-think-my-ex-girlfriend-has-weekly-less_1098848.png) > [Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/thinking-up-jokes-is-easy-the-hard-part-is-trying-them-out-on-stage/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1b5/emo-philips-1788_comedian_thinking-up-jokes-is-easy-the-hard-part_324464.png) > [My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/my-first-job-as-a-kid-was-going-from-door-to-door-selling-christmas/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/881/emo-philips-1788_break_my-first-job-as-a-kid-was-going-from-doo_1762958.png) > [I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-go-to-pick-up-a-girl-in-a-bar-i-say-will-you-go-home-with-me-she/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/061/emo-philips-1788_bars_i-go-to-pick-up-a-girl-in-a-bar-i-say-wi_594282.png) > [Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/because-we-allow-handguns-when-you-know-someone-in-the-crowd-might-be/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/24c/emo-philips-1788_amendment_because-we-allow-handguns-when-you-know_1662550.png) > [The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/the-other-day-a-woman-came-up-to-me-and-said-didn-t-i-see-you-on/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f4a/emo-philips-1788_knows_the-other-day-a-woman-came-up-to-me-and_1704810.png) > [When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/when-i-was-a-kid-my-favourite-time-of-the-year-when-i-was-child-was/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/809/emo-philips-1788_children_when-i-was-a-kid-my-favourite-time-of-th_1402068.png) > [My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/my-sister-just-had-a-baby-we-can-have-company-over-she-ll-be-in-front/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ec3/emo-philips-1788_baby_my-sister-just-had-a-baby-we-can-have-co_1873560.jpg) > [I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-think-it-s-good-to-know-more-than-the-average-guy-if-i-m-in-a-bar/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d02/emo-philips-1788_average_i-think-it-s-good-to-know-more-than-the_700481.png) > [I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-love-my-family-i-came-home-the-other-days-my-brother-s-passed-out/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbb/emo-philips-1788_bottles_i-love-my-family-i-came-home-the-other-d_1485001.jpg) > [I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-m-very-religious-you-know-now-ok-if-by-religious-you-mean-that-i-go/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5ee/emo-philips-1788_catholic_i-m-very-religious-you-know-now-ok-if-by_1717930.jpg) > [I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-don-t-know-if-i-was-put-on-this-earth-for-a-purpose-or-not-but-i-m/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0ff/emo-philips-1788_earth_i-don-t-know-if-i-was-put-on-this-earth_170451.png) > [I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-don-t-know-if-i-have-sexual-magnetism-or-animal-magnetism-though/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/660/emo-philips-1788_animal_i-don-t-know-if-i-have-sexual-magnetism_2807959.png) > [I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-love-england-in-fact-they-re-getting-to-know-me-so-well-at-heathrow/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1be/emo-philips-1788_able_i-love-england-in-fact-they-re-getting-t_75469.png) ## Other authors on Knows ## More by Emo Philips > [Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/once-i-was-in-a-restaurant-and-i-dropped-my-fork-on-the-floor-and/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-give-money-to-unicef-because-i-like-the-bang-for-your-buck-aspect/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/libertarians-believe-consenting-adults-have-the-right-to-do-whatever/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-love-england-in-fact-they-re-getting-to-know-me-so-well-at-heathrow/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/he-taught-me-never-to-smile-which-helps-me-when-i-visit-disaster-sites/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/the-way-i-understand-it-the-russians-are-sort-of-a-combination-of/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really-big-guy-and-he-said-i-m-going/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-don-t-know-if-i-was-put-on-this-earth-for-a-purpose-or-not-but-i-m/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-a-letter-from-the-irs-apparently-i-owe-them-800-so-i-sent-them/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/if-you-re-worth-over-50m-you-should-have-to-dress-like-that-guy-on/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/race-is-still-somewhat-of-a-taboo-in-comedy-but-if-you-re-a-minority/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-like-to-play-chess-with-bald-men-in-the-park-although-it-s-hard-to/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/if-computers-get-too-powerful-we-can-organize-them-into-a-committee/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman:…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/you-don-t-appreciate-a-lot-of-stuff-in-school-until-you-get-older/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/thinking-up-jokes-is-easy-the-hard-part-is-trying-them-out-on-stage/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/knows/emo-philips/#itemlist", "name": "19 Knows Quotes By Emo Philips", "numberOfItems": 19, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/you-know-a-lot-of-girls-go-out-with-me-just-to-further-their-careers/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b9a/emo-philips-1788_anthropologists_you-know-a-lot-of-girls-go-out-with-me-j_1853595.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b9a/emo-philips-1788_anthropologists_you-know-a-lot-of-girls-go-out-with-me-j_1853595.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b9a/emo-philips-1788_anthropologists_you-know-a-lot-of-girls-go-out-with-me-j_1853595.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "You know what I hate the most? 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Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/thinking-up-jokes-is-easy-the-hard-part-is-trying-them-out-on-stage/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1b5/emo-philips-1788_comedian_thinking-up-jokes-is-easy-the-hard-part_324464.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1b5/emo-philips-1788_comedian_thinking-up-jokes-is-easy-the-hard-part_324464.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1b5/emo-philips-1788_comedian_thinking-up-jokes-is-easy-the-hard-part_324464.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Thinking up jokes is easy. 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I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-go-to-pick-up-a-girl-in-a-bar-i-say-will-you-go-home-with-me-she/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/061/emo-philips-1788_bars_i-go-to-pick-up-a-girl-in-a-bar-i-say-wi_594282.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/061/emo-philips-1788_bars_i-go-to-pick-up-a-girl-in-a-bar-i-say-wi_594282.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/061/emo-philips-1788_bars_i-go-to-pick-up-a-girl-in-a-bar-i-say-wi_594282.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? 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You can't see out the other way.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/the-other-day-a-woman-came-up-to-me-and-said-didn-t-i-see-you-on/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f4a/emo-philips-1788_knows_the-other-day-a-woman-came-up-to-me-and_1704810.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f4a/emo-philips-1788_knows_the-other-day-a-woman-came-up-to-me-and_1704810.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f4a/emo-philips-1788_knows_the-other-day-a-woman-came-up-to-me-and_1704810.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. 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You know... cereal or whatever.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/my-sister-just-had-a-baby-we-can-have-company-over-she-ll-be-in-front/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ec3/emo-philips-1788_baby_my-sister-just-had-a-baby-we-can-have-co_1873560.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ec3/emo-philips-1788_baby_my-sister-just-had-a-baby-we-can-have-co_1873560.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ec3/emo-philips-1788_baby_my-sister-just-had-a-baby-we-can-have-co_1873560.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. 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