--- title: "12 Knows Quotes By Dave Attell" description: "12 Knows quotes by Dave Attell. Plus more from Dave Attell and more Knows sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/315/dave-attell-6101_fun_you-gotta-make-your-own-fun-that-s-right_3161435.png" --- > [You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/you-gotta-make-your-own-fun-that-s-right-listen-to-that-mother-of-two/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/315/dave-attell-6101_fun_you-gotta-make-your-own-fun-that-s-right_3161435.png) > [You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/you-know-what-wakes-me-up-a-tongue-in-the-ass-there-is-no-alarm-clock/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/91e/dave-attell-6101_alarm_you-know-what-wakes-me-up-a-tongue-in-th_1778207.png) > [If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/if-i-was-to-have-sex-with-one-animal-it-would-be-a-horse-that-is-a/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c72/dave-attell-6101_animal_if-i-was-to-have-sex-with-one-animal-it_684875.png) > [Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/let-s-say-you-re-in-a-situation-where-crystal-meth-can-help-you-like/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/77c/dave-attell-6101_crystal-meth_let-s-say-you-re-in-a-situation-where-cr_803262.png) > [Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/never-drink-alone-that-s-what-they-say-but-you-know-what-if-you-drink/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e96/dave-attell-6101_alright_never-drink-alone-that-s-what-they-say-b_1492287.png) > [I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/i-watch-the-discovery-channel-and-you-know-what-i-ve-discovered-i/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b8/dave-attell-6101_discovery_i-watch-the-discovery-channel-and-you-kn_1344332.png) > [It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/it-s-a-horrible-economy-but-i-m-trying-to-do-my-part-i-just-bought-a/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d19/dave-attell-6101_cry_it-s-a-horrible-economy-but-i-m-trying-t_346308.png) > [You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/you-know-what-my-drink-is-jack-daniel-s-yes-that-is-a-wild-man-drink/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/434/dave-attell-6101_bail_you-know-what-my-drink-is-jack-daniel-s_2716025.png) > [The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/the-more-discovery-channel-you-watch-the-less-chance-you-have-of-ever/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ef7/dave-attell-6101_chance_the-more-discovery-channel-you-watch-the_583589.png) > [I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/i-hang-out-with-my-dad-mostly-my-dad-was-in-the-military-he-s-at-that/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/121/dave-attell-6101_age_i-hang-out-with-my-dad-mostly-my-dad-was_788255.png) > [I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/i-m-sorry-was-that-homophobic-no-i-think-it-was-cause-i-hear-that-a/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/92c/dave-attell-6101_ass_i-m-sorry-was-that-homophobic-no-i-think_1193919.png) > [This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/this-one-guy-the-worst-guy-in-the-music-the-yanni-man-you-know-yanni/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ef4/dave-attell-6101_all-night_this-one-guy-the-worst-guy-in-the-music_335704.jpg) ## Other authors on Knows ## More by Dave Attell > [If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/if-you-take-off-your-pants-and-her-first-reaction-is-awwww-look-at-it/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/you-see-a-guy-with-one-leg-he-s-got-a-story-land-mine-69-you-see-a/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/i-gotta-quit-smoking-doctor-s-orders-and-the-drinking-court-orders/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/you-ever-make-fun-of-someone-so-much-you-think-you-should-thank-them/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/i-masturbate-i-do-it-like-i-think-if-i-keep-doing-it-i-m-gonna-win/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of that one…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/men-are-having-sex-with-animals-and-we-wonder-why-the-animals-attack/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [Jesse Joyce is a great writer.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/jesse-joyce-is-a-great-writer/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/why-do-they-collect-garbarge-at-5am-why-it-s-garbage-it-s-not-going/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/what-s-the-two-things-they-tell-you-are-healthiest-to-eat-chicken-and/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/this-one-guy-the-worst-guy-in-the-music-the-yanni-man-you-know-yanni/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/pre-mature-ejaculation-let-s-talk-about-it-pre-mature-ejaculation/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/it-s-a-horrible-economy-but-i-m-trying-to-do-my-part-i-just-bought-a/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [I never wanted to be famous.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/i-never-wanted-to-be-famous/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/i-keep-getting-these-people-at-my-shows-who-only-know-me-from/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/friends-are-important-dontcha-think-hmmm-i-think-so-the-way-i-see-it/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/knows/dave-attell/#itemlist", "name": "12 Knows Quotes By Dave Attell", "numberOfItems": 12, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "You gotta make your own fun. 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Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Attell" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/let-s-say-you-re-in-a-situation-where-crystal-meth-can-help-you-like/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/77c/dave-attell-6101_crystal-meth_let-s-say-you-re-in-a-situation-where-cr_803262.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/77c/dave-attell-6101_crystal-meth_let-s-say-you-re-in-a-situation-where-cr_803262.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/77c/dave-attell-6101_crystal-meth_let-s-say-you-re-in-a-situation-where-cr_803262.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. 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I need a girlfriend.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Attell" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/i-watch-the-discovery-channel-and-you-know-what-i-ve-discovered-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b8/dave-attell-6101_discovery_i-watch-the-discovery-channel-and-you-kn_1344332.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b8/dave-attell-6101_discovery_i-watch-the-discovery-channel-and-you-kn_1344332.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b8/dave-attell-6101_discovery_i-watch-the-discovery-channel-and-you-kn_1344332.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? 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And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Attell" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/it-s-a-horrible-economy-but-i-m-trying-to-do-my-part-i-just-bought-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d19/dave-attell-6101_cry_it-s-a-horrible-economy-but-i-m-trying-t_346308.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d19/dave-attell-6101_cry_it-s-a-horrible-economy-but-i-m-trying-t_346308.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d19/dave-attell-6101_cry_it-s-a-horrible-economy-but-i-m-trying-t_346308.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the…” — Dave Attell", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Attell" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/you-know-what-my-drink-is-jack-daniel-s-yes-that-is-a-wild-man-drink/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/434/dave-attell-6101_bail_you-know-what-my-drink-is-jack-daniel-s_2716025.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/434/dave-attell-6101_bail_you-know-what-my-drink-is-jack-daniel-s_2716025.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/434/dave-attell-6101_bail_you-know-what-my-drink-is-jack-daniel-s_2716025.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money…” — Dave Attell", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. \"Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait - don't run away!\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Attell" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/the-more-discovery-channel-you-watch-the-less-chance-you-have-of-ever/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ef7/dave-attell-6101_chance_the-more-discovery-channel-you-watch-the_583589.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ef7/dave-attell-6101_chance_the-more-discovery-channel-you-watch-the_583589.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ef7/dave-attell-6101_chance_the-more-discovery-channel-you-watch-the_583589.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills…” — Dave Attell", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Attell" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/i-hang-out-with-my-dad-mostly-my-dad-was-in-the-military-he-s-at-that/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/121/dave-attell-6101_age_i-hang-out-with-my-dad-mostly-my-dad-was_788255.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/121/dave-attell-6101_age_i-hang-out-with-my-dad-mostly-my-dad-was_788255.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/121/dave-attell-6101_age_i-hang-out-with-my-dad-mostly-my-dad-was_788255.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and…” — Dave Attell", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Attell" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/i-m-sorry-was-that-homophobic-no-i-think-it-was-cause-i-hear-that-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/92c/dave-attell-6101_ass_i-m-sorry-was-that-homophobic-no-i-think_1193919.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/92c/dave-attell-6101_ass_i-m-sorry-was-that-homophobic-no-i-think_1193919.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/92c/dave-attell-6101_ass_i-m-sorry-was-that-homophobic-no-i-think_1193919.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking…” — Dave Attell", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, \"Ta-da\"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just can't go around walking, \"Ta-da!\" \"Ta-da!\" \"Ta-da!\" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money... \"Ta-da!\" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Attell" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/this-one-guy-the-worst-guy-in-the-music-the-yanni-man-you-know-yanni/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ef4/dave-attell-6101_all-night_this-one-guy-the-worst-guy-in-the-music_335704.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ef4/dave-attell-6101_all-night_this-one-guy-the-worst-guy-in-the-music_335704.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ef4/dave-attell-6101_all-night_this-one-guy-the-worst-guy-in-the-music_335704.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like…” — Dave Attell", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/knows/dave-attell/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/knows/dave-attell/", "name": "Knows Quotes by Dave Attell", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/knows/dave-attell/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/315/dave-attell-6101_fun_you-gotta-make-your-own-fun-that-s-right_3161435.png" }, "description": "12 Knows quotes by Dave Attell. 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