--- title: "14 Knows Quotes By Dana Gould" description: "14 Knows quotes by Dana Gould. Plus more from Dana Gould and more Knows sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/065/dana-gould-1290_giving_know-someone-you-hate-give-their-kid-a-k_2196482.png" --- > [Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/know-someone-you-hate-give-their-kid-a-kazoo/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/065/dana-gould-1290_giving_know-someone-you-hate-give-their-kid-a-k_2196482.png) > [Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/did-you-know-that-dog-heaven-and-cat-hell-were-the-same-place/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/93c/dana-gould-1290_cat_did-you-know-that-dog-heaven-and-cat-hel_829282.png) > [When homeless people go camping, how do they know?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/when-homeless-people-go-camping-how-do-they-know/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b44/dana-gould-1290_camping_when-homeless-people-go-camping-how-do-t_3222174.png) > [Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/do-you-know-what-irish-alzheimer-s-is-it-s-when-you-forget-everything/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/abc/dana-gould-1290_alzheimer_do-you-know-what-irish-alzheimer-s-is-it_3144263.png) > [Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/love-means-never-having-to-say-you-re-sorry-marriage-means/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dae/dana-gould-1290_apologizing_love-means-never-having-to-say-you-re-so_700122.png) > [My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/my-dog-keeps-looking-at-me-as-if-he-knows-my-secret-as-if-he-and-he/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/957/dana-gould-1290_animal_my-dog-keeps-looking-at-me-as-if-he-know_2044151.png) > [If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-my-dog-wants-to-know-why-i-didn-t-feed-him-this-morning-he-may/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e3/dana-gould-1290_animal_if-my-dog-wants-to-know-why-i-didn-t-fee_336091.png) > [Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/women-are-like-pumpkins-you-search-and-search-for-the-perfect-one/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/496/dana-gould-1290_feminism_women-are-like-pumpkins-you-search-and-s_647316.png) > [I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/i-used-to-pessimistically-think-i-was-going-to-die-alone-but-now-i/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d7/dana-gould-1290_dies_i-used-to-pessimistically-think-i-was-go_882160.png) > [When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/when-i-finally-invent-a-time-machine-you-will-already-know-about-it/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/86f/dana-gould-1290_computers_when-i-finally-invent-a-time-machine-you_465432.png) > [One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/one-great-way-to-mess-with-devout-christians-and-atheists-would-be-if/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e95/dana-gould-1290_atheist_one-great-way-to-mess-with-devout-christ_3151952.png) > [I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/i-know-that-big-important-things-don-t-just-come-together-overnight/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4e6/dana-gould-1290_bigs_i-know-that-big-important-things-don-t-j_1183335.png) > [What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/what-if-you-died-and-you-found-out-that-when-you-died-we-all-went-to/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/748/dana-gould-1290_arguing_what-if-you-died-and-you-found-out-that_1125732.jpg) > [We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/we-come-into-this-world-naked-covered-in-our-own-blood-screaming-in/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/92b/dana-gould-1290_blood_we-come-into-this-world-naked-covered-in_2388919.png) ## Other authors on Knows ## More by Dana Gould > [As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/as-hard-as-i-try-to-live-with-some-degree-of-faith-in-my-life-i-just/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) > [The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/the-older-i-get-the-more-i-look-like-my-favorite-shoes/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) > [Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/somewhere-there-s-someone-who-s-masturbation-ritual-ends-with-them/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) > [I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/i-feel-very-uncomfortable-when-i-eat-in-restaurants-i-m-obnoxiously/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) > [Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/cowboy-boots-with-a-suit-you-re-a-rough-tough-businessman-chaps-with/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) > [Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/despite-a-primitive-brain-the-octopus-possesses-an-intricate-system/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) > [I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/i-got-mugged-about-six-months-ago-the-oddest-thing-about-the-entire/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) > [I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/i-m-the-forrest-gump-of-comedy/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) > [It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/it-s-gonna-be-awesome-a-suspected-pedophile-dunks-my-kids-head-in-a/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) > [If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-i-ever-go-into-a-coma-one-of-you-has-to-promise-to-come-by/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) > [They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/they-say-that-god-is-in-the-details-then-again-they-also-say-that-the/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) > [I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/i-have-one-phobia-snakes-and-by-snakes-i-mean-intimacy/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) > [My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/my-whole-approach-to-marriage-is-simple-my-wife-will-do-something/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) > [Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/wrote-a-science-fiction-novel-about-a-man-who-wins-an-argument-with/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) > [If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-life-begins-at-conception-but-you-can-be-born-again-later-only-to/) [Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/knows/dana-gould/#itemlist", "name": "14 Knows Quotes By Dana Gould", "numberOfItems": 14, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Know someone you hate? 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That or he wants this pork chop.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dana Gould" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/my-dog-keeps-looking-at-me-as-if-he-knows-my-secret-as-if-he-and-he/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/957/dana-gould-1290_animal_my-dog-keeps-looking-at-me-as-if-he-know_2044151.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/957/dana-gould-1290_animal_my-dog-keeps-looking-at-me-as-if-he-know_2044151.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/957/dana-gould-1290_animal_my-dog-keeps-looking-at-me-as-if-he-know_2044151.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. 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"https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d7/dana-gould-1290_dies_i-used-to-pessimistically-think-i-was-go_882160.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d7/dana-gould-1290_dies_i-used-to-pessimistically-think-i-was-go_882160.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die…” — Dana Gould", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dana Gould" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/when-i-finally-invent-a-time-machine-you-will-already-know-about-it/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/86f/dana-gould-1290_computers_when-i-finally-invent-a-time-machine-you_465432.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/86f/dana-gould-1290_computers_when-i-finally-invent-a-time-machine-you_465432.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/86f/dana-gould-1290_computers_when-i-finally-invent-a-time-machine-you_465432.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time…” — Dana Gould", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dana Gould" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/one-great-way-to-mess-with-devout-christians-and-atheists-would-be-if/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e95/dana-gould-1290_atheist_one-great-way-to-mess-with-devout-christ_3151952.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e95/dana-gould-1290_atheist_one-great-way-to-mess-with-devout-christ_3151952.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e95/dana-gould-1290_atheist_one-great-way-to-mess-with-devout-christ_3151952.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way…” — Dana Gould", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dana Gould" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/i-know-that-big-important-things-don-t-just-come-together-overnight/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4e6/dana-gould-1290_bigs_i-know-that-big-important-things-don-t-j_1183335.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4e6/dana-gould-1290_bigs_i-know-that-big-important-things-don-t-j_1183335.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4e6/dana-gould-1290_bigs_i-know-that-big-important-things-don-t-j_1183335.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now…” — Dana Gould", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dana Gould" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/what-if-you-died-and-you-found-out-that-when-you-died-we-all-went-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/748/dana-gould-1290_arguing_what-if-you-died-and-you-found-out-that_1125732.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/748/dana-gould-1290_arguing_what-if-you-died-and-you-found-out-that_1125732.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/748/dana-gould-1290_arguing_what-if-you-died-and-you-found-out-that_1125732.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. 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