--- title: "10 Knows Quotes By Bill Engvall" description: "10 Knows quotes by Bill Engvall. Plus more from Bill Engvall and more Knows sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ac/bill-engvall-8106_hippo_i-know-at-least-two-people-who-have-neve_1640852.jpg" --- > [I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-know-at-least-two-people-who-have-never-been-killed-by-hippos/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ac/bill-engvall-8106_hippo_i-know-at-least-two-people-who-have-neve_1640852.jpg) > [You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/you-know-your-getting-older-when-you-lay-in-bed-til-10am-and-think-to/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c8/bill-engvall-8106_bed_you-know-your-getting-older-when-you-lay_2311105.jpg) > [Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/martial-sex-is-kinda-like-ordering-a-civil-war-chess-set-through-the/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d50/bill-engvall-8106_chess_martial-sex-is-kinda-like-ordering-a-civ_2604395.jpg) > [So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/so-the-hotel-tells-us-that-it-is-not-safe-to-go-in-the-water-because/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3cb/bill-engvall-8106_feels_so-the-hotel-tells-us-that-it-is-not-saf_2606722.jpg) > [This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says 'you like baseball?' I said, 'Oh, man, I love baseball.'…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/this-guy-from-l-a-sits-down-next-to-me-and-he-says-you-like-baseball/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/737/bill-engvall-8106_arguing_this-guy-from-l-a-sits-down-next-to-me-a_1581940.jpg) > [God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/god-she-s-growing-up-and-i-don-t-know-when-it-happened-man-i-used-to/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1e2/bill-engvall-8106_daughter_god-she-s-growing-up-and-i-don-t-know-wh_765448.jpg) > [I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-might-have-tried-bungee-jumping-until-i-saw-that-video-of-that-guy/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6fd/bill-engvall-8106_buddy_i-might-have-tried-bungee-jumping-until_1766610.jpg) > [A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/a-truck-driver-was-driving-along-on-the-freeway-a-sign-comes-up-that/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a38/bill-engvall-8106_bridges_a-truck-driver-was-driving-along-on-the_592716.jpg) > [And isn't that weird? Think about this, when you're born, you nurse on your mama. And then you get a little older,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/and-isn-t-that-weird-think-about-this-when-you-re-born-you-nurse-on/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/812/bill-engvall-8106_age_and-isn-t-that-weird-think-about-this-wh_3078548.jpg) > [My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/my-wife-trying-to-be-helpful-goes-to-the-grocery-store-and-buys-this/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/451/bill-engvall-8106_beans_my-wife-trying-to-be-helpful-goes-to-the_1435322.jpg) ## Other authors on Knows ## More by Bill Engvall > [I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-am-out-in-public-and-using-the-phone-i-am-in-a-phone-booth-got-the/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [I go 'what is it?' And she goes 'we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!' Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-go-what-is-it-and-she-goes-we-re-going-on-a-shark-feeding-frenzy/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/ketchup-is-great-on-hamburgers-but-if-some-gets-on-your-shirt-that/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/ma-am-when-i-got-up-this-morning-i-didn-t-want-to-be-jackass-you-just/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/went-to-the-grocery-store-got-everything-on-my-list-and-went-up-to/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [“its a dork fish”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/its-a-dork-fish/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-was-watching-one-of-those-animal-shows-on-the-discovery-channel/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-ve-about-decided-if-it-wasn-t-for-the-sex-i-could-be-gay-hell-then/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/he-knows-all-the-golf-lingo-you-know-you-hit-your-ball-he-s-like/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/god-was-havin-himself-a-good-day-when-he-made-boobs-he-must-ve/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/remember-greed-is-a-bad-color-on-a-person/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-was-traveling-down-the-road-with-a-buddy-and-there-s-a-guy-driving/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/it-s-like-before-my-wife-and-i-moved-our-house-was-full-of-boxes-and/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-was-always-the-class-clown-and-over-time-became-very-good-at-it-i/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-ve-never-read-a-kayak-manual-but-i-m-pretty-sure-page-one-says-use/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/knows/bill-engvall/#itemlist", "name": "10 Knows Quotes By Bill Engvall", "numberOfItems": 10, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Engvall" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-know-at-least-two-people-who-have-never-been-killed-by-hippos/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ac/bill-engvall-8106_hippo_i-know-at-least-two-people-who-have-neve_1640852.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ac/bill-engvall-8106_hippo_i-know-at-least-two-people-who-have-neve_1640852.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ac/bill-engvall-8106_hippo_i-know-at-least-two-people-who-have-neve_1640852.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.” — Bill Engvall", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Engvall" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/you-know-your-getting-older-when-you-lay-in-bed-til-10am-and-think-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c8/bill-engvall-8106_bed_you-know-your-getting-older-when-you-lay_2311105.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c8/bill-engvall-8106_bed_you-know-your-getting-older-when-you-lay_2311105.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c8/bill-engvall-8106_bed_you-know-your-getting-older-when-you-lay_2311105.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.” — Bill Engvall", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. 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I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Engvall" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/so-the-hotel-tells-us-that-it-is-not-safe-to-go-in-the-water-because/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3cb/bill-engvall-8106_feels_so-the-hotel-tells-us-that-it-is-not-saf_2606722.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3cb/bill-engvall-8106_feels_so-the-hotel-tells-us-that-it-is-not-saf_2606722.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3cb/bill-engvall-8106_feels_so-the-hotel-tells-us-that-it-is-not-saf_2606722.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. 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I said, 'Oh, man, I love…” — Bill Engvall", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 6, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths. I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: \"When you gonna wear these for me?\" She goes, \"I can't. They're your daughter's.\" \"Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!\" There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Engvall" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/god-she-s-growing-up-and-i-don-t-know-when-it-happened-man-i-used-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1e2/bill-engvall-8106_daughter_god-she-s-growing-up-and-i-don-t-know-wh_765448.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1e2/bill-engvall-8106_daughter_god-she-s-growing-up-and-i-don-t-know-wh_765448.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1e2/bill-engvall-8106_daughter_god-she-s-growing-up-and-i-don-t-know-wh_765448.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and…” — Bill Engvall", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. 'Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up...' WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? 'All right dude, you're up.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Engvall" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-might-have-tried-bungee-jumping-until-i-saw-that-video-of-that-guy/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6fd/bill-engvall-8106_buddy_i-might-have-tried-bungee-jumping-until_1766610.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6fd/bill-engvall-8106_buddy_i-might-have-tried-bungee-jumping-until_1766610.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6fd/bill-engvall-8106_buddy_i-might-have-tried-bungee-jumping-until_1766610.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know…” — Bill Engvall", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, Got stuck, huh? The truck driver says, No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Engvall" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/a-truck-driver-was-driving-along-on-the-freeway-a-sign-comes-up-that/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a38/bill-engvall-8106_bridges_a-truck-driver-was-driving-along-on-the_592716.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a38/bill-engvall-8106_bridges_a-truck-driver-was-driving-along-on-the_592716.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a38/bill-engvall-8106_bridges_a-truck-driver-was-driving-along-on-the_592716.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead. Before he…” — Bill Engvall", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "And isn't that weird? Think about this, when you're born, you nurse on your mama. And then you get a little older, you go to applesauce. And then you see these toddlers walking around with these Ziploc baggies full of Cheerios. Then you get to be my age, and the doctor wants you to start eating Cheerios to watch your cholesterol. Then you lose your teeth, you go to applesauce. I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Engvall" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/and-isn-t-that-weird-think-about-this-when-you-re-born-you-nurse-on/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/812/bill-engvall-8106_age_and-isn-t-that-weird-think-about-this-wh_3078548.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/812/bill-engvall-8106_age_and-isn-t-that-weird-think-about-this-wh_3078548.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/812/bill-engvall-8106_age_and-isn-t-that-weird-think-about-this-wh_3078548.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“And isn't that weird? Think about this, when you're born, you nurse on your mama. And then you get a little…” — Bill Engvall", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says It looks and tastes like real bacon! No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Engvall" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/my-wife-trying-to-be-helpful-goes-to-the-grocery-store-and-buys-this/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/451/bill-engvall-8106_beans_my-wife-trying-to-be-helpful-goes-to-the_1435322.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/451/bill-engvall-8106_beans_my-wife-trying-to-be-helpful-goes-to-the_1435322.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/451/bill-engvall-8106_beans_my-wife-trying-to-be-helpful-goes-to-the_1435322.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. 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