---
title: "17 Knows Quotes By Anthony Jeselnik"
description: "17 Knows quotes by Anthony Jeselnik. Plus more from Anthony Jeselnik and more Knows sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/202/anthony-jeselnik-1838_always_i-feel-like-every-first-episode-of-a-tv_926757.png"
---

> [I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-feel-like-every-first-episode-of-a-tv-show-is-bad-you-know-and-it/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/202/anthony-jeselnik-1838_always_i-feel-like-every-first-episode-of-a-tv_926757.png)

> [The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/the-first-time-i-had-sex-i-didn-t-know-what-i-was-doing-it-was-a/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/261/anthony-jeselnik-1838_first-time_the-first-time-i-had-sex-i-didn-t-know-w_674272.png)

> [You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/you-know-how-everybody-has-that-one-weird-creepy-uncle-well-seth/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/974/anthony-jeselnik-1838_creepy_you-know-how-everybody-has-that-one-weir_2417154.png)

> [I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-m-trying-to-teach-my-girlfriend-how-to-surf-but-i-just-end-up/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b43/anthony-jeselnik-1838_ends_i-m-trying-to-teach-my-girlfriend-how-to_1046228.png)

> [I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-think-my-friend-jeff-is-gay-i-don-t-know-i-m-so-bad-with-names/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8b4/anthony-jeselnik-1838_friend_i-think-my-friend-jeff-is-gay-i-don-t-kn_2622339.png)

> [I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-know-her-in-the-biblical-senseand-when-i-say-that-i-mean-i-don-t/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/53d/anthony-jeselnik-1838_believe_i-know-her-in-the-biblical-senseand-when_257949.png)

> [I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-got-an-email-from-my-ex-telling-me-that-she-has-aids-i-didn-t-know/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1d5/anthony-jeselnik-1838_aids_i-got-an-email-from-my-ex-telling-me-tha_845475.png)

> [I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-try-to-write-three-jokes-every-morning-although-i-don-t-know-what/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d07/anthony-jeselnik-1838_assuming_i-try-to-write-three-jokes-every-morning_1471789.png)

> [I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-like-to-play-pranks-on-my-girlfriend-you-know-keep-things-fresh-for/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/44b/anthony-jeselnik-1838_bulimic_i-like-to-play-pranks-on-my-girlfriend-y_2338906.jpg)

> [I didn't care about the backlash. I think the reason it was so severe was because they didn't know anything about me…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-didn-t-care-about-the-backlash-i-think-the-reason-it-was-so-severe/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/532/anthony-jeselnik-1838_backlash_i-didn-t-care-about-the-backlash-i-think_364697.png)

> [You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/you-don-t-know-anything-about-pain-until-you-ve-seen-your-own-baby/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eed/anthony-jeselnik-1838_baby_you-don-t-know-anything-about-pain-until_2619510.png)

> [In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/in-comedy-i-hate-that-cop-out-where-you-say-just-kidding-i-know-you/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0e0/anthony-jeselnik-1838_comedy_in-comedy-i-hate-that-cop-out-where-you_665566.jpg)

> [My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-dad-was-a-complicated-man-he-was-a-huge-racist-my-dad-but-he-still/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/768/anthony-jeselnik-1838_bigs_my-dad-was-a-complicated-man-he-was-a-hu_3092738.jpg)

> [I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-think-some-people-just-don-t-know-that-much-about-comedy-it-would/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/71f/anthony-jeselnik-1838_comedy_i-think-some-people-just-don-t-know-that_1136067.png)

> [We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/we-just-found-out-my-little-brother-has-a-peanut-allergy-which-is/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/981/anthony-jeselnik-1838_airline_we-just-found-out-my-little-brother-has_1070332.png)

> [This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/this-past-christmas-i-told-my-girlfriend-for-months-in-advance-that/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/59f/anthony-jeselnik-1838_beginnings-and-ends_this-past-christmas-i-told-my-girlfriend_2197830.jpg)

> [About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/about-a-month-ago-some-kids-in-my-neighborhood-were-playing-hide-and/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d1f/anthony-jeselnik-1838_abandoned_about-a-month-ago-some-kids-in-my-neighb_1464964.png)

## Other authors on Knows

## More by Anthony Jeselnik

> [I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-have-that-need-in-me-i-want-everyone-to-love-me-but-i-m-embarrassed/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-want-people-to-just-be-paying-attention-even-if-they-re-not/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-have-a-twelve-year-old-sex-doll-brand-new/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/perhaps-i-m-being-too-optimistic-but-i-think-this-country-is-finally/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/father-s-day-makes-me-wish-i-could-talk-to-my-dad-just-one-more-time/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/about-a-year-after-i-moved-to-los-angeles-i-decided-i-wanted-to-be-a/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/when-i-was-little-i-would-burn-ants-with-a-magnifying-glass-but-now/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-m-fascinated-by-offensive-subject-matter-always-have-been-it-is/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-got-into-comedy-because-i-wanted-to-get-into-writing/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-actually-never-acted-on-deadwood-i-have-meetings-all-the-time-where/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-was-a-weird-kid-because-i-liked-to-be-alone-but-i-craved-attention/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-know-her-in-the-biblical-senseand-when-i-say-that-i-mean-i-don-t/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-love-pittsburgh-most-of-my-family-still-lives-there-and-i-try-to/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-think-brilliant-stuff-comes-out-of-working-with-limitations-one/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-love-anyone-who-surprises-me-and-makes-me-laugh/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

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                        "text": "You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.",
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                        "text": "In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, \"Just kidding.\" I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.",
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                        "text": "My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.",
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                        "text": "About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?",
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