---
title: "49 Ifs Quotes By Zach Braff"
description: "49 Ifs quotes by Zach Braff. Plus more from Zach Braff and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a78/zach-braff-854_billion_if-i-had-a-billion-dollars-i-would-oh-wa_2767358.png"
---

> [If I had a billion dollars I would...oh wait...already do.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/if-i-had-a-billion-dollars-i-would-oh-wait-already-do/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a78/zach-braff-854_billion_if-i-had-a-billion-dollars-i-would-oh-wa_2767358.png)

> [If John McCain were really a war hero he would've won Vietnam.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/if-john-mccain-were-really-a-war-hero-he-would-ve-won-vietnam/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6e9/zach-braff-854_hero_if-john-mccain-were-really-a-war-hero-he_82189.png)

> [She can't say no if she's unconscious.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/she-can-t-say-no-if-she-s-unconscious/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c57/zach-braff-854_funny_she-can-t-say-no-if-she-s-unconscious-14_1451399.png)

> [I mean, so what if it's a little dangerous? A one-armed kid is comedy gold.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/i-mean-so-what-if-it-s-a-little-dangerous-a-one-armed-kid-is-comedy/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/082/zach-braff-854_comedy_i-mean-so-what-if-it-s-a-little-dangerou_266256.png)

> [They don't know I'm staring, what does it matter if I keep on doing it?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/they-don-t-know-i-m-staring-what-does-it-matter-if-i-keep-on-doing-it/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e19/zach-braff-854_doe_they-don-t-know-i-m-staring-what-does-it_2154587.png)

> [If nothing else, I'm making a movie that I'll enjoy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/if-nothing-else-i-m-making-a-movie-that-i-ll-enjoy/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/432/zach-braff-854_cinema_if-nothing-else-i-m-making-a-movie-that_3061647.png)

> [In a perfect world, everybody would be gay. I mean if everybody looked like Zach Braff, you just wouldn't be able to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/in-a-perfect-world-everybody-would-be-gay-i-mean-if-everybody-looked/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/48d/zach-braff-854_a-perfect-world_in-a-perfect-world-everybody-would-be-ga_393507.png)

> [If a benevolent God exists, so does reincarnation. He wouldn't send me here just once.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/if-a-benevolent-god-exists-so-does-reincarnation-he-wouldn-t-send-me/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d9d/zach-braff-854_benevolent_if-a-benevolent-god-exists-so-does-reinc_701129.png)

> [It's not terrible, I guess, but if Ricky Gervais was half as talented as me, maybe the show would actually be funny…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/it-s-not-terrible-i-guess-but-if-ricky-gervais-was-half-as-talented/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5f9/zach-braff-854_comedy_it-s-not-terrible-i-guess-but-if-ricky-g_2950969.png)

> [Sure, it was terrible and all, but you have to ask yourself: If the whole city was flooded, why couldn't they just…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/sure-it-was-terrible-and-all-but-you-have-to-ask-yourself-if-the/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/99e/zach-braff-854_ask-yourself_sure-it-was-terrible-and-all-but-you-hav_2154677.png)

> [I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/i-don-t-mind-it-if-blacks-want-equal-rights-as-long-as-they-mean/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d6/zach-braff-854_dog_i-don-t-mind-it-if-blacks-want-equal-rig_1105209.png)

> [If we've learned anything, it's that the combination of yellow smiley faces and blue polyester vests are irresistible to the inbred.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/if-we-ve-learned-anything-it-s-that-the-combination-of-yellow-smiley/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/307/zach-braff-854_blue_if-we-ve-learned-anything-it-s-that-the_2185417.png)

> [Honestly, the only way Garden State could have been better was if I played every character. I'm awesome.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/honestly-the-only-way-garden-state-could-have-been-better-was-if-i/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a51/zach-braff-854_character_honestly-the-only-way-garden-state-could_2989742.jpg)

> [Eight gold medals? If I wanted I could make a movie about me winning nine gold medals. Now that's real power.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/eight-gold-medals-if-i-wanted-i-could-make-a-movie-about-me-winning/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/094/zach-braff-854_eight_eight-gold-medals-if-i-wanted-i-could-ma_2092796.png)

> [I figure it this way - if a woman claims she didn't want me to fudge her, then you already know she's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/i-figure-it-this-way-if-a-woman-claims-she-didn-t-want-me-to-fudge/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/47b/zach-braff-854_claims_i-figure-it-this-way-if-a-woman-claims-s_1639539.jpg)

> [Well it's not that I HATE them, but honestly if I saw two homeless people begging for money, one white and one…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/well-it-s-not-that-i-hate-them-but-honestly-if-i-saw-two-homeless/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/29f/zach-braff-854_begging_well-it-s-not-that-i-hate-them-but-hones_92454.jpg)

> [Michael Eisner contacted me once and asked me if he could change the name of Disneyland to 'Braffland.' I said no, because…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/michael-eisner-contacted-me-once-and-asked-me-if-he-could-change-the/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cc2/zach-braff-854_clothes_michael-eisner-contacted-me-once-and-ask_950820.png)

> [Of course I don't use my A-material, it doesn't matter if they think I'm funny or not because they won't be thinking…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/of-course-i-don-t-use-my-a-material-it-doesn-t-matter-if-they-think-i/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/372/zach-braff-854_comedy_of-course-i-don-t-use-my-a-material-it-d_601765.jpg)

> [People always say The God Father is the #1 movie of all time. But ask yourself, did you see Zach Braff in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/people-always-say-the-god-father-is-the-1-movie-of-all-time-but-ask/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b6b/zach-braff-854_all-time_people-always-say-the-god-father-is-the_2805181.jpg)

> [I've turned down a lot of proposed scripts for Scrubs episodes, mainly ones with AIDs patients. It sickens me, really. If you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/i-ve-turned-down-a-lot-of-proposed-scripts-for-scrubs-episodes-mainly/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/94c/zach-braff-854_aids_i-ve-turned-down-a-lot-of-proposed-scrip_860754.png)

> [At this point I feel like I could go out and accomplish anything. I'd just love to see Will Smith's face if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/at-this-point-i-feel-like-i-could-go-out-and-accomplish-anything-i-d/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/754/zach-braff-854_accomplish_at-this-point-i-feel-like-i-could-go-out_1784871.png)

> [I don't think it's a black and white issue. If a man's family is starving so to speak, I don't think I'll…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/i-don-t-think-it-s-a-black-and-white-issue-if-a-man-s-family-is/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c7e/zach-braff-854_black_i-don-t-think-it-s-a-black-and-white-iss_249270.png)

> [If you're dumb enough to volunteer for the army, I don't see why we're supposed to feel so bad when you get…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/if-you-re-dumb-enough-to-volunteer-for-the-army-i-don-t-see-why-we-re/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/40c/zach-braff-854_army_if-you-re-dumb-enough-to-volunteer-for-t_3229019.png)

> [ In my opinion, one of the biggest drawbacks about Sergio Leone films are the scores composed by Ennio Morricone. If \[Leone\] were… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/in-my-opinion-one-of-the-biggest-drawbacks-about-sergio-leone-films/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/396/zach-braff-854_drawbacks_in-my-opinion-one-of-the-biggest-drawbac_2556344.png)

> [First I took a crap on the hooker's chest, then I told her I'd pay her a thousand dollars to eat it.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/first-i-took-a-crap-on-the-hooker-s-chest-then-i-told-her-i-d-pay-her/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/128/zach-braff-854_beats_first-i-took-a-crap-on-the-hooker-s-ches_1085500.jpg)

> [My dog has a cough. If you've never seen a dog with a cough, I recommend trying to find one. It's hilarious.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/my-dog-has-a-cough-if-you-ve-never-seen-a-dog-with-a-cough-i/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ca4/zach-braff-854_cough_my-dog-has-a-cough-if-you-ve-never-seen_1690094.png)

> [If it were up to me, it'd be outlawed. I mean, come on. Zach Braff was born streamlined, and that's how it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/if-it-were-up-to-me-it-d-be-outlawed-i-mean-come-on-zach-braff-was/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/213/zach-braff-854_born_if-it-were-up-to-me-it-d-be-outlawed-i-m_3153661.png)

> [I could be one if I wanted to, I'm just way too overqualified for a job that simple.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/i-could-be-one-if-i-wanted-to-i-m-just-way-too-overqualified-for-a/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e0/zach-braff-854_ifs_i-could-be-one-if-i-wanted-to-i-m-just-w_1061212.png)

> [If God wanted women to be treated equally to men, he'd have given them penises.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/if-god-wanted-women-to-be-treated-equally-to-men-he-d-have-given-them/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b99/zach-braff-854_given_if-god-wanted-women-to-be-treated-equall_3108284.png)

> [If I wasn't an actor? Hmm, I'd probably be a serial killer. I'm just so damn likeable, no one would ever suspect…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/if-i-wasn-t-an-actor-hmm-i-d-probably-be-a-serial-killer-i-m-just-so/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2f8/zach-braff-854_actor_if-i-wasn-t-an-actor-hmm-i-d-probably-be_2176684.png)

> [I never go looking for child pornography, but I mean, if somebody sends me an email with some pictures, I'm not going…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/i-never-go-looking-for-child-pornography-but-i-mean-if-somebody-sends/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37b/zach-braff-854_children_i-never-go-looking-for-child-pornography_2737477.png)

> [I wouldn't say I'm bigger than Jesus. If I had to guess, I'd say probably, yeah, but as far as I know,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/i-wouldn-t-say-i-m-bigger-than-jesus-if-i-had-to-guess-i-d-say/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b65/zach-braff-854_bible_i-wouldn-t-say-i-m-bigger-than-jesus-if_2673458.png)

> [At first, I didn't really care if global warming existed. But then I realized it means that less bums would freeze to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/at-first-i-didn-t-really-care-if-global-warming-existed-but-then-i/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/121/zach-braff-854_care_at-first-i-didn-t-really-care-if-global_1161998.png)

> [If Democrats want to start winning elections in this country, they're going to have to start connecting with voters as well as…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/if-democrats-want-to-start-winning-elections-in-this-country-they-re/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a86/zach-braff-854_connecting_if-democrats-want-to-start-winning-elect_930917.png)

> [If global warming is such a bad thing, then why is it taking out all of mankind's competitors? It just seems to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/if-global-warming-is-such-a-bad-thing-then-why-is-it-taking-out-all/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e3a/zach-braff-854_bad-thing_if-global-warming-is-such-a-bad-thing-th_1673828.png)

> [I think sports are very beneficial in the fight against obesity. I remember playing little league - I was the best person…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/i-think-sports-are-very-beneficial-in-the-fight-against-obesity-i/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/90f/zach-braff-854_beneficial_i-think-sports-are-very-beneficial-in-th_1149414.png)

> [If I could change anything about Garden State, it would be to cast somebody else for the female lead. Natalie just isn't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/if-i-could-change-anything-about-garden-state-it-would-be-to-cast/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f3d/zach-braff-854_actress_if-i-could-change-anything-about-garden_86936.png)

> [If we're going to solve the problems in North Korea, the first thing we're going to have to do is start helping…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/if-we-re-going-to-solve-the-problems-in-north-korea-the-first-thing/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/57d/zach-braff-854_amenities_if-we-re-going-to-solve-the-problems-in_1277335.png)

> [I tried it a few times but didn't see the point. I'm Zach Braff. What the fudge do I need a team…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/i-tried-it-a-few-times-but-didn-t-see-the-point-i-m-zach-braff-what/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e03/zach-braff-854_fudge_i-tried-it-a-few-times-but-didn-t-see-th_562067.png)

> [Working on 'Scrubs' made me feel guilty because I realized that if I had decided to become an actual doctor, instead of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/working-on-scrubs-made-me-feel-guilty-because-i-realized-that-if-i/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/159/zach-braff-854_cancer_working-on-scrubs-made-me-feel-guilty-be_2107287.png)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by Zach Braff

> [The thing about hitting kids is, think about if you were doing the same thing to another adult. Hitting your kid is really the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/the-thing-about-hitting-kids-is-think-about-if-you-were-doing-the/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

> [The greatest charity you can contribute to is yourself. Instead of spending a dollar to help feed hungry children, why not spend that dollar…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/the-greatest-charity-you-can-contribute-to-is-yourself-instead-of/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

> [When you're the director and the writer, you never have to remember your lines, and there's no one to call you on it. On…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/when-you-re-the-director-and-the-writer-you-never-have-to-remember/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

> [Yea, he's alright...but he's no Zach Braff.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/yea-he-s-alright-but-he-s-no-zach-braff/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

> [It was really starting to get pathetic, everyday they would come in looking for one thing or another. 'Zach, can you give me some…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/it-was-really-starting-to-get-pathetic-everyday-they-would-come-in/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

> [People ask me, 'Did the fame come too fast? Do you ever wish for your old life?' I always tell them that there's nothing…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/people-ask-me-did-the-fame-come-too-fast-do-you-ever-wish-for-your/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

> [I wouldn't exactly call it 'Intelligent', but somebody has to be behind designing the human form other than just biological necessity. Why else would…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/i-wouldn-t-exactly-call-it-intelligent-but-somebody-has-to-be-behind/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

> [People have called me fake, but personally, I don't think I'm fake because I'm so insincere.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/people-have-called-me-fake-but-personally-i-don-t-think-i-m-fake/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

> [When things seem to be slowing down, there's this little trick I like to play. I'd plow this virgin who's on her period, and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/when-things-seem-to-be-slowing-down-there-s-this-little-trick-i-like/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

> [I want to take piano lessons, I want to study at university, I want to travel, I want to do other parts, make another…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/i-want-to-take-piano-lessons-i-want-to-study-at-university-i-want-to/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

> [If John McCain were really a war hero he would've won Vietnam.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/if-john-mccain-were-really-a-war-hero-he-would-ve-won-vietnam/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

> [If I could change anything about Garden State, it would be to cast somebody else for the female lead. Natalie just isn't really that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/if-i-could-change-anything-about-garden-state-it-would-be-to-cast/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

> [Well it's not that I HATE them, but honestly if I saw two homeless people begging for money, one white and one black, and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/well-it-s-not-that-i-hate-them-but-honestly-if-i-saw-two-homeless/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

> [I never looked at bread the same way again](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/i-never-looked-at-bread-the-same-way-again/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

> [I don't belive Oprah's sexual abuse stories, I mean who would take a black girl when there are plenty of white?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/i-don-t-belive-oprah-s-sexual-abuse-stories-i-mean-who-would-take-a/)

[Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/)

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                        "text": "I've turned down a lot of proposed scripts for Scrubs episodes, mainly ones with AIDs patients. It sickens me, really. If you don't want AIDs, don't be a ice cream man. Or African. I'm neither and I'm fine.",
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                        "text": "At this point I feel like I could go out and accomplish anything. I'd just love to see Will Smith's face if he found out I, Z-Braff, have the number one rap album in the country. That'd show that no-talent uncle tom.",
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                        "text": "If you're dumb enough to volunteer for the army, I don't see why we're supposed to feel so bad when you get shot. I'm not saying we should throw a party or anything, but is it such a tragedy? If I'd gotten shot before I made 'Garden State', yeah, that's a tragedy, but some red-state hick getting his legs blown off? Come on.",
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                        "text": "In my opinion, one of the biggest drawbacks about Sergio Leone films are the scores composed by Ennio Morricone. If [Leone] were as talented as I am, he would have made mixtapes for his movies instead of letting some schmuck write the soundtracks for him. But then if he were as talented as I am, he'd be Zach Braff. And have his own Grammy.",
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                        "text": "First I took a crap on the hooker's chest, then I told her I'd pay her a thousand dollars to eat it. She was addicted to crack, so of course she did it. It was so gross, though, it made her throw up, so I said I'd pay her another thousand to lick all that up, too. She started to, but for some reason she started crying as she was doing it, saying, 'I went to college! I have a degree!' Oh man, it was hilarious. I don't know if it was technically sex because I just beat off on her face, but definitely one of my most intense orgasms.",
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                        "text": "My dog has a cough. If you've never seen a dog with a cough, I recommend trying to find one. It's hilarious.",
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                        "text": "If it were up to me, it'd be outlawed. I mean, come on. Zach Braff was born streamlined, and that's how it should stay!",
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                        "text": "I could be one if I wanted to, I'm just way too overqualified for a job that simple.",
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                        "text": "If I wasn't an actor? Hmm, I'd probably be a serial killer. I'm just so damn likeable, no one would ever suspect me.",
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                        "text": "I never go looking for child pornography, but I mean, if somebody sends me an email with some pictures, I'm not going to turn around and report them.",
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