---
title: "16 Ifs Quotes By W. C. Fields"
description: "16 Ifs quotes by W. C. Fields. Plus more from W. C. Fields and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e78/w-c-fields-1625_alive_it-s-a-funny-old-world-a-man-s-lucky-if_1354795.png"
---

> [It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/it-s-a-funny-old-world-a-man-s-lucky-if-he-gets-out-of-it-alive/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e78/w-c-fields-1625_alive_it-s-a-funny-old-world-a-man-s-lucky-if_1354795.png)

> [If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/if-i-had-my-life-to-live-over-again-i-d-live-over-a-saloon/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/288/w-c-fields-1625_ifs_if-i-had-my-life-to-live-over-again-i-d_1633032.png)

> [If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/if-a-thing-is-worth-having-it-s-worth-cheating-for/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/90b/w-c-fields-1625_cheating_if-a-thing-is-worth-having-it-s-worth-ch_2549066.png)

> [If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/if-pigs-had-wings-they-would-be-pigeons/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7ff/w-c-fields-1625_ifs_if-pigs-had-wings-they-would-be-pigeons_83958.png)

> [I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/i-ad-lib-most-of-my-dialogue-if-i-did-remember-my-lines-it-would-be/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b82/w-c-fields-1625_ads_i-ad-lib-most-of-my-dialogue-if-i-did-re_1435237.png)

> [Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/wouldn-t-it-be-terrible-if-i-quoted-some-reliable-statistics-which/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da5/w-c-fields-1625_alcohol_wouldn-t-it-be-terrible-if-i-quoted-some_448568.png)

> [I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/i-like-my-films-to-influence-the-audience-even-if-it-means-tripping/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/220/w-c-fields-1625_audience_i-like-my-films-to-influence-the-audienc_2475449.png)

> [If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/if-it-does-not-work-the-first-time-try-try-again-then-quit-no-need-to/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/043/w-c-fields-1625_doe_if-it-does-not-work-the-first-time-try-t_1597834.png)

> [If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/if-i-ever-found-a-church-that-didn-t-believe-in-knocking-all-the/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9fa/w-c-fields-1625_believe_if-i-ever-found-a-church-that-didn-t-bel_827389.png)

> [All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/all-englishmen-talk-as-if-they-ve-got-a-bushel-of-plums-stuck-in/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a62/w-c-fields-1625_england_all-englishmen-talk-as-if-they-ve-got-a_1716889.png)

> [When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/when-asked-to-borrow-money-i-ll-see-what-my-lawyer-says-and-if-he/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a52/w-c-fields-1625_borrow_when-asked-to-borrow-money-i-ll-see-what_1715748.png)

> [Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/never-eat-at-a-place-called-moms-but-if-the-only-other-place-in-town/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a1f/w-c-fields-1625_food_never-eat-at-a-place-called-moms-but-if_2694617.png)

> [What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/what-would-you-do-if-you-were-president-and-on-the-first-day-of-may/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eb1/w-c-fields-1625_ambassadors_what-would-you-do-if-you-were-president_116893.jpg)

> [If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/if-it-is-a-joint-return-we-are-instructed-to-print-the-given-names-of/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de0/w-c-fields-1625_funny_if-it-is-a-joint-return-we-are-instructe_1994531.png)

> [No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/no-one-likes-the-fellow-who-is-all-rogue-but-we-ll-forgive-him-almost/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6bb/w-c-fields-1625_comedy_no-one-likes-the-fellow-who-is-all-rogue_1617542.png)

> [Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/try-till-you-succeed-if-you-don-t-succeed-once-then-destroy-all/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0d1/w-c-fields-1625_evidence_try-till-you-succeed-if-you-don-t-succee_1104233.png)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by W. C. Fields

> [Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/thou-shalt-not-covet-thy-neighbor-s-house-unless-they-have-a-well/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

> [Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/take-me-down-to-the-bar-we-ll-drink-breakfast-together/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

> [There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/there-comes-a-time-in-the-affairs-of-man-when-he-must-take-the-bull/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

> [If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/if-pigs-had-wings-they-would-be-pigeons/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

> [I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/i-feel-like-a-midget-with-muddy-feet-had-been-walking-over-my-tongue/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

> [What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/what-would-you-do-if-you-were-president-and-on-the-first-day-of-may/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

> [My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/my-illness-is-due-to-my-doctor-s-insistence-that-i-drink-milk-a/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

> [I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/i-am-an-expert-of-electricity-my-father-occupied-the-chair-of-applied/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

> [Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/bert-williams-was-the-funniest-man-i-ever-saw-and-the-saddest-man-i/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

> [A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/a-comic-should-suffer-as-much-over-a-single-line-as-a-man-with-a/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

> [All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/all-my-available-funds-are-completely-tied-up-in-cash/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

> [Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/back-in-my-rummy-days-i-would-tremble-and-shake-for-hours-upon/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

> [Happiness means quiet nerves.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/happiness-means-quiet-nerves/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

> [W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/w-c-fields-a-lifetime-agnostic-was-discovered-reading-a-bible-on-his/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

> [The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-c-fields/the-movie-people-would-have-nothing-to-do-with-me-until-they-heard-me/)

[W. C. Fields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-c-fields/)

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