---
title: "23 Ifs Quotes By Steven Wright"
description: "23 Ifs quotes by Steven Wright. Plus more from Steven Wright and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e4c/steven-wright-432_dry_if-i-melt-dry-ice-can-i-swim-without-get_890642.jpg"
---

> [If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/if-i-melt-dry-ice-can-i-swim-without-getting-wet/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e4c/steven-wright-432_dry_if-i-melt-dry-ice-can-i-swim-without-get_890642.jpg)

> [Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/ever-wonder-what-the-speed-of-lightning-would-be-if-it-didn-t-zigzag/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/958/steven-wright-432_funny_ever-wonder-what-the-speed-of-lightning_2405474.jpg)

> [If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/if-vegetarians-eat-vegetables-what-do-humanitarians-eat/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/699/steven-wright-432_food_if-vegetarians-eat-vegetables-what-do-hu_2389687.jpg)

> [If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/if-a-cow-laughed-would-milk-come-out-her-nose/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6c7/steven-wright-432_cows_if-a-cow-laughed-would-milk-come-out-her_3030354.jpg)

> [If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/if-people-from-poland-are-called-poles-why-aren-t-people-from-holland/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ed4/steven-wright-432_funny_if-people-from-poland-are-called-poles-w_435738.jpg)

> [If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/if-your-car-could-travel-at-the-speed-of-light-would-your-headlights/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c53/steven-wright-432_car_if-your-car-could-travel-at-the-speed-of_1904666.jpg)

> [If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/if-its-tourist-season-why-cant-we-shoot-them/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2af/steven-wright-432_cant_if-its-tourist-season-why-cant-we-shoot_1157984.jpg)

> [If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/if-all-those-psychics-know-the-winning-lottery-numbers-why-are-they/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/66a/steven-wright-432_funny_if-all-those-psychics-know-the-winning-l_981161.jpg)

> [My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/my-aunt-gave-me-a-walkie-talkie-for-my-birthday-she-says-if-i-m-good/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d17/steven-wright-432_aunt_my-aunt-gave-me-a-walkie-talkie-for-my-b_1223093.jpg)

> [If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/if-you-take-an-oriental-person-and-spin-him-around-several-times-does/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dc8/steven-wright-432_doe_if-you-take-an-oriental-person-and-spin_1642725.jpg)

> [If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/if-you-got-into-a-taxi-and-the-driver-started-driving-backward-would/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0c5/steven-wright-432_drivers_if-you-got-into-a-taxi-and-the-driver-st_2364815.jpg)

> [Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/imagine-if-birds-were-tickled-by-feathers-you-d-see-a-flock-of-birds/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/35e/steven-wright-432_bird_imagine-if-birds-were-tickled-by-feather_937806.jpg)

> [I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-saw-a-small-bottle-of-cologne-and-asked-if-it-was-for-sale-she-said/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/006/steven-wright-432_bottles_i-saw-a-small-bottle-of-cologne-and-aske_1021357.jpg)

> [If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/if-a-tree-falls-in-the-forest-and-no-one-is-around-to-see-it-do-the/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/22b/steven-wright-432_fall_if-a-tree-falls-in-the-forest-and-no-one_2615471.jpg)

> [My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/my-girlfriend-s-weird-one-day-she-asked-me-if-you-could-know-how-and/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b3/steven-wright-432_death_my-girlfriend-s-weird-one-day-she-asked_1522115.jpg)

> [Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/winny-and-i-lived-in-a-house-that-ran-on-static-electricity-if-you/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c92/steven-wright-432_balloons_winny-and-i-lived-in-a-house-that-ran-on_2121798.jpg)

> [If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/if-lawyers-are-disbarred-and-clergymen-defrocked-doesn-t-it-follow/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5f6/steven-wright-432_cleaners_if-lawyers-are-disbarred-and-clergymen-d_6634.jpg)

> [I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-was-in-a-job-interview-and-i-opened-a-book-and-started-reading-then/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8a6/steven-wright-432_asks_i-was-in-a-job-interview-and-i-opened-a_425160.jpg)

> [I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-m-moving-to-mars-next-week-so-if-you-have-any-boxes/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8da/steven-wright-432_boxes_i-m-moving-to-mars-next-week-so-if-you-h_1228528.jpg)

> [If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/if-heat-rises-then-heaven-must-be-hotter-than-hell/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6d1/steven-wright-432_energy_if-heat-rises-then-heaven-must-be-hotter_946702.jpg)

> [If you shoot a Mime, do you need to use a silencer?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/if-you-shoot-a-mime-do-you-need-to-use-a-silencer/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/919/steven-wright-432_ifs_if-you-shoot-a-mime-do-you-need-to-use-a_1871303.jpg)

> [If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/if-you-melt-dry-ice-in-a-pool-and-go-swimming-will-you-get-wet/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bfc/steven-wright-432_dry_if-you-melt-dry-ice-in-a-pool-and-go-swi_487048.jpg)

> [If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/if-you-must-choose-between-two-evils-pick-the-one-you-ve-never-tried/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cbd/steven-wright-432_evil_if-you-must-choose-between-two-evils-pic_1149437.jpg)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by Steven Wright

> [Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/depression-is-merely-anger-without-enthusiasm/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/my-dental-hygienist-is-cute-every-time-i-visit-i-eat-a-whole-package/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/if-lawyers-are-disbarred-and-clergymen-defrocked-doesn-t-it-follow/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/if-i-ever-had-twins-i-d-use-one-for-parts/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/nobody-can-really-compare-a-relationship-in-which-the-victim-is-15/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-saw-a-tree-fall-in-the-woods-and-i-didn-t-hear-it/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/it-s-very-intense-to-be-in-front-of-a-live-audience-it-s-just-an/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-got-pulled-over-by-a-cop-and-he-said-do-you-know-the-speed-limit/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/babies-don-t-need-a-vacation-but-i-still-see-them-at-the-beach-it/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-just-got-out-of-the-hospital-i-was-in-a-speed-reading-accident-i/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/when-i-m-on-stage-it-s-really-intense-my-mind-is-going-a-million/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-don-t-like-politicians-and-i-don-t-like-politics-i-definitely-don-t/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-went-to-this-restaurant-last-night-that-was-set-up-like-a-big/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/why-isn-t-the-number-11-pronounced-onety-one/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/a-conscience-is-what-hurts-when-all-your-other-parts-feel-so-good/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

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