---
title: "26 Ifs Quotes By Steve Martin"
description: "26 Ifs quotes by Steve Martin. Plus more from Steve Martin and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/104/steve-martin-593_achieve_if-i-screw-up-raising-my-kids-nothing-i_1514536.jpg"
---

> [If I screw up raising my kids, nothing I achieve will matter much.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/if-i-screw-up-raising-my-kids-nothing-i-achieve-will-matter-much/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/104/steve-martin-593_achieve_if-i-screw-up-raising-my-kids-nothing-i_1514536.jpg)

> [If you feel tired midway through, give Neil Patrick Harris a Red Bull and throw some sheet music at him.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/if-you-feel-tired-midway-through-give-neil-patrick-harris-a-red-bull/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c99/steve-martin-593_bulls_if-you-feel-tired-midway-through-give-ne_1284526.jpg)

> [I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/i-guess-i-wouldn-t-believe-in-anything-if-it-weren-t-for-my-lucky/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cf1/steve-martin-593_astrology_i-guess-i-wouldn-t-believe-in-anything-i_787194.jpg)

> [I didn't worry if a bit got no response, as long as I believed it had enough response to linger.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/i-didn-t-worry-if-a-bit-got-no-response-as-long-as-i-believed-it-had/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6b2/steve-martin-593_bits_i-didn-t-worry-if-a-bit-got-no-response_422061.jpg)

> [To me, torture would be, "I can't think what to write in the next sentence. I'm stuck." Torture would be if you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/to-me-torture-would-be-i-can-t-think-what-to-write-in-the-next/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f07/steve-martin-593_i-can_to-me-torture-would-be-i-can-t-think-wha_267318.jpg)

> [In talking to girls I could never remember the right sequence of things to say. I'd meet a girl and say, Hi,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/in-talking-to-girls-i-could-never-remember-the-right-sequence-of/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/062/steve-martin-593_drunk_in-talking-to-girls-i-could-never-rememb_628307.jpg)

> [With comedy, you never know until you put it in front of an audience. You shoot it and a year later you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/with-comedy-you-never-know-until-you-put-it-in-front-of-an-audience/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/907/steve-martin-593_audience_with-comedy-you-never-know-until-you-put_615648.jpg)

> [It's funny that some ideas start with a little "What if?" and then suddenly you're spending a million dollars to shoot the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/it-s-funny-that-some-ideas-start-with-a-little-what-if-and-then/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/622/steve-martin-593_dollars_it-s-funny-that-some-ideas-start-with-a_1552346.jpg)

> [I really like the animated film process. It's kind of like doing a play, because you can experiment with it, rewrite it,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/i-really-like-the-animated-film-process-it-s-kind-of-like-doing-a/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d7/steve-martin-593_action_i-really-like-the-animated-film-process_2973395.jpg)

> [The only thing that bothers me is if I'm in a restaurant and I'm eating and someone says, 'Hey, mind if I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/the-only-thing-that-bothers-me-is-if-i-m-in-a-restaurant-and-i-m/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9bf/steve-martin-593_bother_the-only-thing-that-bothers-me-is-if-i-m_1414438.jpg)

> [So much emotion can be brought in an animated film that's very hard to get in a live-action film. I haven't quite…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/so-much-emotion-can-be-brought-in-an-animated-film-that-s-very-hard/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d6e/steve-martin-593_action_so-much-emotion-can-be-brought-in-an-ani_541762.jpg)

> [As a school board we felt it's an unfair expense to families. The lawsuit has a certain logic to it - if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/as-a-school-board-we-felt-it-s-an-unfair-expense-to-families-the/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/86c/steve-martin-593_boards_as-a-school-board-we-felt-it-s-an-unfair_2212758.jpg)

> [I knew I wanted to be in comedy but the path of least resistance was doing stand-up in folk music clubs where…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/i-knew-i-wanted-to-be-in-comedy-but-the-path-of-least-resistance-was/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cfd/steve-martin-593_auditions_i-knew-i-wanted-to-be-in-comedy-but-the_1342890.jpg)

> [At first I had no skills in writing comedy. I didn't know what a joke was, but, as someone once told me,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/at-first-i-had-no-skills-in-writing-comedy-i-didn-t-know-what-a-joke/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/014/steve-martin-593_adjusting_at-first-i-had-no-skills-in-writing-come_81155.jpg)

> [When you're touring and if you go to a party, there's automatically a celebrity-audience distance. It follows you around, especially when you're…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/when-you-re-touring-and-if-you-go-to-a-party-there-s-automatically-a/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4df/steve-martin-593_audience_when-you-re-touring-and-if-you-go-to-a-p_2054903.jpg)

> [I like what a third man brings. A kind of oblique vision, seeing something in the material that you didn't know was…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/i-like-what-a-third-man-brings-a-kind-of-oblique-vision-seeing/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d87/steve-martin-593_audience_i-like-what-a-third-man-brings-a-kind-of_2965766.jpg)

> [Be undeniably good. When people ask me how do you make it in show business or whatever, what I always tell them…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/be-undeniably-good-when-people-ask-me-how-do-you-make-it-in-show/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/db5/steve-martin-593_agents_be-undeniably-good-when-people-ask-me-ho_1060026.jpg)

> [It's so hard to believe in anything anymore, you know what I mean? It's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/it-s-so-hard-to-believe-in-anything-anymore-you-know-what-i-mean-it-s/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f73/steve-martin-593_arbitrary_it-s-so-hard-to-believe-in-anything-anym_1195617.jpg)

> [I studied with the Maharishi for many years, and really didn't learn that much. But one thing that he taught me, I'll…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/i-studied-with-the-maharishi-for-many-years-and-really-didn-t-learn/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/49e/steve-martin-593_bags_i-studied-with-the-maharishi-for-many-ye_1907171.jpg)

> [In a strange way, I don't have a job, so I have a lot of time on my hands. When I do…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/in-a-strange-way-i-don-t-have-a-job-so-i-have-a-lot-of-time-on-my/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/87f/steve-martin-593_banjos_in-a-strange-way-i-don-t-have-a-job-so-i_2176784.jpg)

> [If you're studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/if-you-re-studying-geology-which-is-all-facts-as-soon-as-you-get-out/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/09d/steve-martin-593_enough_if-you-re-studying-geology-which-is-all_1635265.jpg)

> [There are some people that will not pick up a phone and call you, but if you knock on a door and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/there-are-some-people-that-will-not-pick-up-a-phone-and-call-you-but/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/705/steve-martin-593_doors_there-are-some-people-that-will-not-pick_959336.jpg)

> [I try not to think about legacy because it is all ­folly. If you study history, even recent history, you'll find many…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/i-try-not-to-think-about-legacy-because-it-is-all-folly-if-you-study/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2c7/steve-martin-593_folly_i-try-not-to-think-about-legacy-because_2684491.jpg)

> [I choose a project based on whether it feels worthwhile working on when it comes to me. But secondly I choose it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/i-choose-a-project-based-on-whether-it-feels-worthwhile-working-on/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4a6/steve-martin-593_determined_i-choose-a-project-based-on-whether-it-f_1139589.jpg)

> [I didn't come from a wealthy family. I had no money. Maybe it goes back to naivete which is your greatest asset…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/i-didn-t-come-from-a-wealthy-family-i-had-no-money-maybe-it-goes-back/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ad2/steve-martin-593_assets_i-didn-t-come-from-a-wealthy-family-i-ha_3008969.jpg)

> [Always do business as if the person you're doing business with is trying to screw you, because he probably is. And if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/always-do-business-as-if-the-person-you-re-doing-business-with-is/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ef4/steve-martin-593_business_always-do-business-as-if-the-person-you_1402403.jpg)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by Steve Martin

> [“People in coats and ties were milling around the Talley gallery, and on the wall were the minimally rendered still lifes by Giorgio Morandi,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/people-in-coats-and-ties-were-milling-around-the-talley-gallery-and/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

> [Writing is something I took up rather than anything I had an inclination toward. I like acting -delivering someone else's message - but writing…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/writing-is-something-i-took-up-rather-than-anything-i-had-an/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

> [“It was easy to be great. Every entertainer has a night when everything is clicking. These nights are accidental and statistical: Like lucky cards…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/it-was-easy-to-be-great-every-entertainer-has-a-night-when-everything/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

> [I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/i-like-a-woman-with-a-head-on-her-shoulders-i-hate-necks/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

> [“And after his unparsable response, including a passage where he said he was 'blurring the boundaries between a thing and thought,' she said, 'Thank…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/and-after-his-unparsable-response-including-a-passage-where-he-said/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

> [I have no fear, no fear at all. I wake up, and I have no fear. I go to bed without fear. Fear, fear,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/i-have-no-fear-no-fear-at-all-i-wake-up-and-i-have-no-fear-i-go-to/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

> [“Be undeniably good.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/be-undeniably-good/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

> [When I finally retire, I just want to go away so no one has to listen to me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/when-i-finally-retire-i-just-want-to-go-away-so-no-one-has-to-listen/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

> [Only then does he realize what he has done to Mirabelle, how wanting a square inch of her and not all of her has…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/only-then-does-he-realize-what-he-has-done-to-mirabelle-how-wanting-a/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

> [“Lacey was just as happy alone as with company. When she was alone, she was potential; with others she was realized. Alone, she was…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/lacey-was-just-as-happy-alone-as-with-company-when-she-was-alone-she/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

> [At first I had no skills in writing comedy. I didn't know what a joke was, but, as someone once told me, your emotions…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/at-first-i-had-no-skills-in-writing-comedy-i-didn-t-know-what-a-joke/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

> [You cannot make your opportunities concur with the opportunities of people whose incomes are ten times greater than yours.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/you-cannot-make-your-opportunities-concur-with-the-opportunities-of/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

> [The lure in art collecting and its financial rewards, not counting for a moment its aesthetic, cultural and intellectual rewards, is like the trust…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/the-lure-in-art-collecting-and-its-financial-rewards-not-counting-for/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

> [My most persistent memory of stand - up is of my mouth being in the present and my mind being in the future: the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/my-most-persistent-memory-of-stand-up-is-of-my-mouth-being-in-the/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

> [What I mean is that none of my talents had a - what's that great word - rubric. A singer, an actor, a dancer…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-martin/what-i-mean-is-that-none-of-my-talents-had-a-what-s-that-great-word/)

[Steve Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-martin/)

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                        "text": "To me, torture would be, \"I can't think what to write in the next sentence. I'm stuck.\" Torture would be if you didn't have the next idea.",
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                        "text": "In talking to girls I could never remember the right sequence of things to say. I'd meet a girl and say, Hi, was it good for you too? If a girl spent the night, I'd wake up in the morning and then try to get her drunk.",
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                        "text": "With comedy, you never know until you put it in front of an audience. You shoot it and a year later you have no idea if it's going to work. And then you get the response. It's great when it's good.",
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                        "text": "It's funny that some ideas start with a little \"What if?\" and then suddenly you're spending a million dollars to shoot the scene and hoping that it works.",
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                        "text": "I really like the animated film process. It's kind of like doing a play, because you can experiment with it, rewrite it, screen it, go back, then work on it a little bit more. If the joke doesn't work, you can fix it. It's different from a live action movie.",
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                        "text": "The only thing that bothers me is if I'm in a restaurant and I'm eating and someone says, 'Hey, mind if I smoke?' I always say, 'No. Mind if I fart?",
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                        "text": "So much emotion can be brought in an animated film that's very hard to get in a live-action film. I haven't quite put my finger on why, but it might be because the characters can make facial expression that, if you made them in a movie, they'd call them corny.",
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                        "text": "As a school board we felt it's an unfair expense to families. The lawsuit has a certain logic to it - if you have free public education, you can't put these things on top of it. It defeats the purpose.",
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                        "text": "I knew I wanted to be in comedy but the path of least resistance was doing stand-up in folk music clubs where I could get on stage. I guess you could get up no matter how bad you were and you didn't have to audition. You just got up. Everything else required an audition and if you auditioned for a TV show, you would stand in line with a hundred other people. But at the clubs, it was okay just to get up, so that's why I started in stand-up.",
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                        "text": "At first I had no skills in writing comedy. I didn't know what a joke was, but, as someone once told me, your emotions follow your intent. If you create the intention of starting a comedy act, slowly your mind starts adjusting and you arrive at a new emotional state.",
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                        "text": "When you're touring and if you go to a party, there's automatically a celebrity-audience distance. It follows you around, especially when you're on the road in small towns. Any time there is awe, it gets very difficult to be normal, to be yourself. But I'm not saying that that's what made me the way I am. I've probably always been distant.",
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                        "text": "I like what a third man brings. A kind of oblique vision, seeing something in the material that you didn't know was there. As a comedian, I'm always listening to the audience. And in movies, sometimes the only audience you have is the producer and the director. I like having someone else's opinion, especially if you're on the same wavelength.",
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                        "text": "Be undeniably good. When people ask me how do you make it in show business or whatever, what I always tell them & nobody ever takes note of it 'cause it's not the answer they wanted to hear-what they want to hear is here's how you get an agent, here's how you write a script, here's how you do this-but I always say, “Be so good they can't ignore you.” If somebody's thinking, “How can I be really good?” people are going to come to you. It's much easier doing it that way than going to cocktail parties.",
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                        "text": "It's so hard to believe in anything anymore, you know what I mean? It's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, 'cause it seems so mythological, and seems so arbitrary; and then on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.",
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                        "text": "I studied with the Maharishi for many years, and really didn't learn that much. But one thing that he taught me, I'll never forget: 'ALWAYS...' no, wait-- 'NEVER...' no, wait, it was 'ALWAYS carry a litter bag in your car. It doesn't take up much room, and if it gets full, you can toss it out the window.'",
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                        "text": "In a strange way, I don't have a job, so I have a lot of time on my hands. When I do work, it might be very concentrated, and it might be months where you're not really doing anything except maybe playing the banjo or writing something. You know, there's a lot of time in the day if you're not working 9 to 5.",
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                        "text": "If you're studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.",
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