---
title: "51 Ifs Quotes By Stephen Colbert"
description: "51 Ifs quotes by Stephen Colbert. Plus more from Stephen Colbert and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ec4/stephen-colbert-503_huge_if-jesus-doesn-t-have-a-sense-of-humor-i_2913297.png"
---

> [If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-jesus-doesn-t-have-a-sense-of-humor-i-am-in-huge-trouble/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ec4/stephen-colbert-503_huge_if-jesus-doesn-t-have-a-sense-of-humor-i_2913297.png)

> [If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-god-wanted-us-to-accept-gays-he-d-have-made-us-compassionate/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/965/stephen-colbert-503_accepting_if-god-wanted-us-to-accept-gays-he-d-hav_1969642.png)

> [Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/hey-yogurt-if-you-re-so-cultured-how-come-i-never-see-you-at-the-opera/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/886/stephen-colbert-503_hey_hey-yogurt-if-you-re-so-cultured-how-com_3123272.png)

> [If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-you-use-big-words-no-one-will-know-you-aren-t-doing-jack-squat/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2f4/stephen-colbert-503_big-words_if-you-use-big-words-no-one-will-know-yo_502605.png)

> [If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-you-are-a-hermaphrodite-it-is-physically-impossible-to-be-gay/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/26d/stephen-colbert-503_gay_if-you-are-a-hermaphrodite-it-is-physica_816623.png)

> [Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/foreign-newspapers-if-they-ve-got-nothing-to-hide-how-come-they-don-t/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a9c/stephen-colbert-503_foreign_foreign-newspapers-if-they-ve-got-nothin_2597683.png)

> [If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-you-like-battlestar-galactica-you-re-probably-a-huge-nerd/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e5f/stephen-colbert-503_battlestar-galactica_if-you-like-battlestar-galactica-you-re_3104192.png)

> [If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-a-poor-family-falls-on-hard-times-in-the-woods-and-no-one-is/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a0b/stephen-colbert-503_care_if-a-poor-family-falls-on-hard-times-in_1990077.png)

> [If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-we-don-t-cut-expensive-things-like-head-start-child-nutrition/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/592/stephen-colbert-503_children_if-we-don-t-cut-expensive-things-like-he_2150916.png)

> [If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-you-re-doing-nothing-wrong-you-have-nothing-to-hide-from-the-giant/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f2f/stephen-colbert-503_doing-nothing_if-you-re-doing-nothing-wrong-you-have-n_3139997.png)

> [If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-obama-can-force-you-to-get-health-insurance-just-by-calling-it-a/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/696/stephen-colbert-503_calling_if-obama-can-force-you-to-get-health-ins_1058306.png)

> [If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-we-raise-taxes-on-corporations-what-incentive-will-they-have-to/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/348/stephen-colbert-503_corporations_if-we-raise-taxes-on-corporations-what-i_2113024.png)

> [If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-anybody-needs-anything-else-at-their-tables-just-speak-slowly-and/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dd2/stephen-colbert-503_cocktail_if-anybody-needs-anything-else-at-their_824747.png)

> [If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-you-think-you-can-lead-your-flock-of-sheeple-and-peeps-to-some/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0b2/stephen-colbert-503_flocks_if-you-think-you-can-lead-your-flock-of_2963434.png)

> [If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-i-m-doing-a-talk-show-or-an-interview-or-pretty-much-anything/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/730/stephen-colbert-503_character_if-i-m-doing-a-talk-show-or-an-interview_3145525.png)

> [Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/am-i-proud-of-being-straight-no-you-know-why-because-if-i-start/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/847/stephen-colbert-503_acting_am-i-proud-of-being-straight-no-you-know_370944.png)

> [Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/writing-and-producing-the-show-is-an-intellectual-process-performing/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b5e/stephen-colbert-503_athletic_writing-and-producing-the-show-is-an-int_3016792.png)

> [You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/you-are-about-to-start-the-greatest-improvisation-of-all-with-no/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a92/stephen-colbert-503_graduation_you-are-about-to-start-the-greatest-impr_2137245.jpg)

> [If I thought I knew what was going to happen, it wouldn't be worth doing. The challenge is how joyfully, with what…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-i-thought-i-knew-what-was-going-to-happen-it-wouldn-t-be-worth/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/709/stephen-colbert-503_adventure_if-i-thought-i-knew-what-was-going-to-ha_1801778.png)

> [Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/some-people-perceive-me-as-an-assassin-or-at-least-someone-who-can/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e0b/stephen-colbert-503_air_some-people-perceive-me-as-an-assassin-o_234413.jpg)

> [We are divided between those who think with their heads and those who know with their heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/we-are-divided-between-those-who-think-with-their-heads-and-those-who/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d43/stephen-colbert-503_absurd_we-are-divided-between-those-who-think-w_2178617.jpg)

> [Senator Kerry does not support our troops. If he had won the election, there wouldn't be any troops left in Iraq. President…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/senator-kerry-does-not-support-our-troops-if-he-had-won-the-election/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/658/stephen-colbert-503_creating_senator-kerry-does-not-support-our-troop_1158754.png)

> [The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work, and all I can do…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/the-trouble-with-the-jokes-is-that-once-they-re-written-i-know-how/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/519/stephen-colbert-503_between_the-trouble-with-the-jokes-is-that-once_1658738.jpg)

> [Thankfully dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. So…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/thankfully-dreams-can-change-if-we-d-all-stuck-with-our-first-dream-2/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/93e/stephen-colbert-503_achieve_thankfully-dreams-can-change-if-we-d-all_2558507.jpg)

> [Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/destroying-a-religious-symbol-and-building-a-religious-center-are/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8aa/stephen-colbert-503_building_destroying-a-religious-symbol-and-buildi_2402051.png)

> [If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-poor-people-want-food-stamps-they-should-become-massive/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/deb/stephen-colbert-503_corporations_if-poor-people-want-food-stamps-they-sho_2232673.png)

> [If someone spreads hate then they're not your religious leader.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-someone-spreads-hate-then-they-re-not-your-religious-leader/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a3e/stephen-colbert-503_hate_if-someone-spreads-hate-then-they-re-not_1194990.png)

> [If it's called the USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-it-s-called-the-usa-today-why-is-all-the-news-from-yesterday/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/39a/stephen-colbert-503_ifs_if-it-s-called-the-usa-today-why-is-all_2717866.png)

> [You don't need the right facts if you have the right inflection.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/you-don-t-need-the-right-facts-if-you-have-the-right-inflection/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce9/stephen-colbert-503_facts_you-don-t-need-the-right-facts-if-you-ha_2875787.png)

> [If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-the-eyes-are-the-window-to-the-soul-then-why-does-it-hurt-when-i/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/30c/stephen-colbert-503_doe_if-the-eyes-are-the-window-to-the-soul-t_2092753.png)

> [An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/an-apple-a-day-keeps-anyone-away-if-you-throw-it-hard-enough/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4c2/stephen-colbert-503_apple_an-apple-a-day-keeps-anyone-away-if-you_1292551.png)

> [Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/don-t-be-bitter-everybody-suffers-if-you-can-accept-your-suffering/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ea6/stephen-colbert-503_accepting_don-t-be-bitter-everybody-suffers-if-you_2019.png)

> [But you are also the biggest threat of all ...You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/but-you-are-also-the-biggest-threat-of-all-you-are-a-gay-person-i/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ea4/stephen-colbert-503_being-gay_but-you-are-also-the-biggest-threat-of-a_1713264.jpg)

> [If someone does offer you a job, say 'yes.' You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-someone-does-offer-you-a-job-say-yes-you-can-always-quit-later/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a1f/stephen-colbert-503_doe_if-someone-does-offer-you-a-job-say-yes_3094921.png)

> [And we didn't have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn't show up,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/and-we-didn-t-have-cell-phones-if-you-made-plans-to-meet-someone-in-a/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5bd/stephen-colbert-503_assuming_and-we-didn-t-have-cell-phones-if-you-ma_1347198.png)

> [If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-corporations-are-people-i-guarantee-you-that-a-government-of-those/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/311/stephen-colbert-503_corporations_if-corporations-are-people-i-guarantee-y_3150853.png)

> [Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/obamacare-takes-effect-in-less-than-eight-months-do-you-realize-what/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/87e/stephen-colbert-503_covered_obamacare-takes-effect-in-less-than-eigh_1365356.jpg)

> [Leaving religious texts open too interpretation is the downfall of religion itself. If it is truly the word of God then there…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/leaving-religious-texts-open-too-interpretation-is-the-downfall-of/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/899/stephen-colbert-503_belief_leaving-religious-texts-open-too-interpr_1082511.png)

> [Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/not-living-in-fear-is-a-great-gift-because-certainly-these-days-we-do/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dd4/stephen-colbert-503_comedy_not-living-in-fear-is-a-great-gift-becau_2248133.jpg)

> [If you repeat it, it's true. If you repeat it, it's true. And through repetition, something becomes true. If you repeat it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-you-repeat-it-it-s-true-if-you-repeat-it-it-s-true-and-through/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/97a/stephen-colbert-503_enough_if-you-repeat-it-it-s-true-if-you-repeat_2180621.png)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by Stephen Colbert

> [Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/don-t-be-bitter-everybody-suffers-if-you-can-accept-your-suffering/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/cynicism-masquerades-as-wisdom-but-it-is-the-farthest-thing-from-it/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/we-all-deserve-credit-for-this-new-surveillance-state-that-we-live-in/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/i-ve-long-been-against-illegal-aliens-partly-because-they-distract-us/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/believe-in-me-cause-i-don-t-believe-in-anything-and-i-wanna-be/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/it-s-august-which-means-congress-is-on-recess-and-mitch-mcconnell-has/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/try-to-love-others-and-serve-others-and-hopefully-find-those-who-love/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/thirty-seconds-is-the-exact-amount-of-time-americans-can-tolerate/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/i-used-to-make-up-stuff-in-my-bio-all-the-time-that-i-used-to-be-a/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/i-live-by-syllogisms-god-is-love-love-is-blind-stevie-wonder-is-blind/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/unlike-paul-newman-who-seems-to-think-that-salad-dressing-is-the-cure/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/now-for-my-younger-viewers-out-there-a-book-is-something-we-used-to/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/jesus-forgives-sinners-not-criminals/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/used-books-are-the-sluts-of-the-literary-world-passed-around-from/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [“Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/divorce-is-a-marital-welfare-it-s-just-couples-asking-society-to-bail/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

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                        "text": "Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get to do it twice. It helps if you've done whatever the old saw is, 10,000 hours of it. Because I've done 10,000 hours of comedy, I have this database in my mind of what works and what doesn't work.",
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                        "text": "If I thought I knew what was going to happen, it wouldn't be worth doing. The challenge is how joyfully, with what sense of fun and adventure and playfulness, we will greet it. We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.",
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                        "text": "Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.",
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                        "text": "We are divided between those who think with their heads and those who know with their heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If you think about Harriet Miers, of course her nomination is absurd. But the President didn't say he thought about his selection. He said this: \"I know her heart.\" Notice how he said nothing about her brain? He didn't have to. He feels the truth about Harriet Miers.",
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                        "text": "Senator Kerry does not support our troops. If he had won the election, there wouldn't be any troops left in Iraq. President Bush, on the other hand, has given our troops an opportunity to fight without end. That's creating jobs. In fact, the president's policies helped create 104 more job openings last month. Now who's stupid, Senator?",
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                        "text": "The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work, and all I can do is not hit them. I'm more comfortable improvising. If I have just two or three ideas and I know how the character feels, what the character wants, everything in between is like trapeze work.",
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                        "text": "Thankfully dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. So whatever your dream is right now, if you don't achieve it, you haven't failed and you're not some loser-but just as importantly-if you do get your dream, you're not a winner.",
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                        "text": "Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.",
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                        "text": "If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.",
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                        "text": "If someone spreads hate then they're not your religious leader.",
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                        "text": "If it's called the USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?",
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                        "text": "If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?",
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                        "text": "An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.",
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                        "text": "Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life.",
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