---
title: "36 Ifs Quotes By Scott Adams"
description: "36 Ifs quotes by Scott Adams. Plus more from Scott Adams and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fb2/scott-adams-666_easy_if-you-think-it-s-easy-to-write-jokes-ab_1741068.jpg"
---

> [If you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/if-you-think-it-s-easy-to-write-jokes-about-fried-calamari-you-ve/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fb2/scott-adams-666_easy_if-you-think-it-s-easy-to-write-jokes-ab_1741068.jpg)

> [If free will exists, why do the tallest candidates with the best hair usually win elections ?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/if-free-will-exists-why-do-the-tallest-candidates-with-the-best-hair/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/be4/scott-adams-666_candidates_if-free-will-exists-why-do-the-tallest-c_342028.jpg)

> [If you want success, figure out the price, then pay it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/if-you-want-success-figure-out-the-price-then-pay-it/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c86/scott-adams-666_figures_if-you-want-success-figure-out-the-price_2174155.jpg)

> [If you haven't already told your kids 'don't fellate the president' then you're probably a bad parent.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/if-you-haven-t-already-told-your-kids-don-t-fellate-the-president/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ebb/scott-adams-666_bad-parent_if-you-haven-t-already-told-your-kids-do_1420890.jpg)

> [If you don't believe your salmon is wild, ask it to fetch your newspaper and see what happens.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/if-you-don-t-believe-your-salmon-is-wild-ask-it-to-fetch-your/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/65b/scott-adams-666_asks_if-you-don-t-believe-your-salmon-is-wild_278111.jpg)

> [Great minds don't think alike. If they did, the Patent Office would only have about fifty inventions.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/great-minds-don-t-think-alike-if-they-did-the-patent-office-would/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ab2/scott-adams-666_fifty_great-minds-don-t-think-alike-if-they-di_2009949.jpg)

> [If our mushrooms make you hallucinate, please inform us immediately so we can overcharge you.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/if-our-mushrooms-make-you-hallucinate-please-inform-us-immediately-so/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d07/scott-adams-666_hallucinate_if-our-mushrooms-make-you-hallucinate-pl_313006.jpg)

> [If your boss gets drunk and offers to photocopy her posterior, do not helpfully suggest pressing reduce 75%.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/if-your-boss-gets-drunk-and-offers-to-photocopy-her-posterior-do-not/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/364/scott-adams-666_boss_if-your-boss-gets-drunk-and-offers-to-ph_2330964.jpg)

> [There's no such thing as good ideas and bad ideas. There are only your own ideas and other people's. If you want…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/there-s-no-such-thing-as-good-ideas-and-bad-ideas-there-are-only-your/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e98/scott-adams-666_bad-idea_there-s-no-such-thing-as-good-ideas-and_2280938.jpg)

> [In the future, airplanes will be flown by a dog and a pilot. And the dog's job will be to make sure…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/in-the-future-airplanes-will-be-flown-by-a-dog-and-a-pilot-and-the/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f7b/scott-adams-666_airplane_in-the-future-airplanes-will-be-flown-by_2230019.jpg)

> [You might think the word "homemade" is just a word we use as a marketing ploy. But what you don't realize is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/you-might-think-the-word-homemade-is-just-a-word-we-use-as-a/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/684/scott-adams-666_homemade_you-might-think-the-word-homemade-is-jus_1420169.jpg)

> [Good advertising can make people buy your product even if it sucks ... A dollar spent on brainwashing is more cost-effective than…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/good-advertising-can-make-people-buy-your-product-even-if-it-sucks-a/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3b1/scott-adams-666_advertising_good-advertising-can-make-people-buy-you_3157236.jpg)

> [In case the rest of you missed it, the inspirational speech was: 'If you work hard, you can achieve great things. And…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/in-case-the-rest-of-you-missed-it-the-inspirational-speech-was-if-you/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1a0/scott-adams-666_achieve_in-case-the-rest-of-you-missed-it-the-in_1854815.jpg)

> [Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they are not there the first time you need them, chances are you won't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/needing-someone-is-like-needing-a-parachute-if-they-are-not-there-the/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/583/scott-adams-666_chance_needing-someone-is-like-needing-a-parach_368611.jpg)

> [As a rule, I don't like to laugh at the misfortune of others. The exception to that rule is if it's really,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/as-a-rule-i-don-t-like-to-laugh-at-the-misfortune-of-others-the/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d9/scott-adams-666_exception_as-a-rule-i-don-t-like-to-laugh-at-the-m_2156008.jpg)

> [You probably think Stephen Hawking is in that wheelchair because of a motor neuron disease. But if you got as much barely-legal…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/you-probably-think-stephen-hawking-is-in-that-wheelchair-because-of-a/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7e3/scott-adams-666_disease_you-probably-think-stephen-hawking-is-in_744309.jpg)

> [The best plan now is to have as many bosses as possible. I call it boss diversity. If you work for a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/the-best-plan-now-is-to-have-as-many-bosses-as-possible-i-call-it/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f6/scott-adams-666_boss_the-best-plan-now-is-to-have-as-many-bos_2245048.jpg)

> [If you're following the news, you know that the major religions differ in their interpretation of the holy books. For example, one…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/if-you-re-following-the-news-you-know-that-the-major-religions-differ/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d11/scott-adams-666_aim_if-you-re-following-the-news-you-know-th_2011142.jpg)

> [Writers tend to work early in the morning, or late at night, when brains are naturally able to focus deeply on one…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/writers-tend-to-work-early-in-the-morning-or-late-at-night-when/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/854/scott-adams-666_able_writers-tend-to-work-early-in-the-mornin_876637.jpg)

> [Highly intelligent and well-informed people disagree on every political issue. Therefore, intelligence and knowledge are useless for making decisions, because if any…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/highly-intelligent-and-well-informed-people-disagree-on-every/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bb0/scott-adams-666_advantage_highly-intelligent-and-well-informed-peo_2815949.jpg)

> [These days it seems like any idiot with a laptop computer can churn out a business book and make a few bucks.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/these-days-it-seems-like-any-idiot-with-a-laptop-computer-can-churn/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e1a/scott-adams-666_book_these-days-it-seems-like-any-idiot-with_634511.jpg)

> [In yesterday's post, I asked how many of you guys would have sex with a robot if it was indistinguishable from a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/in-yesterday-s-post-i-asked-how-many-of-you-guys-would-have-sex-with/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6eb/scott-adams-666_guy_in-yesterday-s-post-i-asked-how-many-of_2573555.jpg)

> [Priority-wise, it simply makes sense to take care of yourself before you start searching for a higher meaning. You aren't much good…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/priority-wise-it-simply-makes-sense-to-take-care-of-yourself-before/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ed4/scott-adams-666_baskets_priority-wise-it-simply-makes-sense-to-t_1820755.jpg)

> [Simple molecules combine to make powerful chemicals. Simple cells combine to make powerful life-forms. Simple electronics combine to make powerful computers. Logically,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/simple-molecules-combine-to-make-powerful-chemicals-simple-cells/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/26e/scott-adams-666_all-things_simple-molecules-combine-to-make-powerfu_1711163.jpg)

> [The children are our future. And that is why, ultimately, we're screwed unless we do something about it. If you haven't noticed,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/the-children-are-our-future-and-that-is-why-ultimately-we-re-screwed/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0aa/scott-adams-666_adults_the-children-are-our-future-and-that-is_2954724.jpg)

> [To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/to-the-engineer-all-matter-in-the-universe-can-be-placed-into-one-of-2/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5c6/scott-adams-666_available_to-the-engineer-all-matter-in-the-univer_3073747.jpg)

> [If you work in the city long enough, it begins to deal with you on a personal level. Streets reveal their moods.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/if-you-work-in-the-city-long-enough-it-begins-to-deal-with-you-on-a/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a6a/scott-adams-666_bits_if-you-work-in-the-city-long-enough-it-b_493438.jpg)

> [Boss: I just heard that light travels faster than sound. I'm wondering if I should shout when I speak, just so my…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/boss-i-just-heard-that-light-travels-faster-than-sound-i-m-wondering/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/29c/scott-adams-666_boss_boss-i-just-heard-that-light-travels-fas_2504759.jpg)

> [If I had to pick one quality that best predicts success (other than wanting to be successful) it would be the willingness…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/if-i-had-to-pick-one-quality-that-best-predicts-success-other-than/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1c6/scott-adams-666_being-successful_if-i-had-to-pick-one-quality-that-best-p_420479.jpg)

> [ I was surprised to learn that doing household chores qualifies as romantic for most of you \[women\]. That's exactly why you should… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/i-was-surprised-to-learn-that-doing-household-chores-qualifies-as/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/71d/scott-adams-666_butlers_i-was-surprised-to-learn-that-doing-hous_392613.jpg)

> [The greenest home is the one you don't build. If you really want to save the Earth, move in with another family…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/the-greenest-home-is-the-one-you-don-t-build-if-you-really-want-to/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d43/scott-adams-666_another_the-greenest-home-is-the-one-you-don-t-b_2756010.jpg)

> [I rank money higher than social life or meaning because once you have money, those other things are easier to get. For…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/i-rank-money-higher-than-social-life-or-meaning-because-once-you-have/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d8/scott-adams-666_easier_i-rank-money-higher-than-social-life-or_2050804.jpg)

> [The surest way to identify those who won't succeed at weight loss is that they tend to say things like "My goal…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/the-surest-way-to-identify-those-who-won-t-succeed-at-weight-loss-is/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/692/scott-adams-666_bypass_the-surest-way-to-identify-those-who-won_2744648.jpg)

> [You might argue that my example is bad because Einstein is dead. But according to physicist Erwin Schrodinger, Einstein is neither dead…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/you-might-argue-that-my-example-is-bad-because-einstein-is-dead-but/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/256/scott-adams-666_alive_you-might-argue-that-my-example-is-bad-b_2136545.jpg)

> [I think the pleasure of completed work is what makes blogging so popular. You have to believe most bloggers have few if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/i-think-the-pleasure-of-completed-work-is-what-makes-blogging-so/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b37/scott-adams-666_believe_i-think-the-pleasure-of-completed-work-i_1579001.jpg)

> [For our purposes, let’s say a goal is a specific objective that you either achieve or don’t sometime in the future. A…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/for-our-purposes-let-s-say-a-goal-is-a-specific-objective-that-you/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8fc/scott-adams-666_achieve_for-our-purposes-let-s-say-a-goal-is-a-s_1467598.jpg)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by Scott Adams

> [The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/the-creator-of-the-universe-works-in-mysterious-ways-but-he-uses-a/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

> [“If you think your odds of solving your problem are bad, don’t rule out the possibility that what is really happening is that you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/if-you-think-your-odds-of-solving-your-problem-are-bad-don-t-rule-out/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

> [Frankly, I’m suspicious of anyone who has a strong opinion on a complicated issue.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/frankly-i-m-suspicious-of-anyone-who-has-a-strong-opinion-on-a/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

> [“If you want success, figure out the price, then pay it. It sounds trivial and obvious, but if you unpack the idea it has…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/if-you-want-success-figure-out-the-price-then-pay-it-it-sounds/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

> [Ideas are worthless, execution is everything.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/ideas-are-worthless-execution-is-everything/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

> [For five hundred dollars, I'll name a subatomic particle after you. Some of my satisfied customers include Arthur C. Quark and George Meson.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/for-five-hundred-dollars-i-ll-name-a-subatomic-particle-after-you/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

> [“Failure always brings something valuable with it. I don’t let it leave until I extract that value.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/failure-always-brings-something-valuable-with-it-i-don-t-let-it-leave/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

> [The longer you verk here, diverse it gets.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/the-longer-you-verk-here-diverse-it-gets/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

> [“On all the important stuff, we are emotional creatures who make decisions first and rationalize them after the fact.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/on-all-the-important-stuff-we-are-emotional-creatures-who-make/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

> [“What you rarely see is a stillborn failure that transmogrifies into a stellar success. Small successes can grow into big ones, but failures rarely…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/what-you-rarely-see-is-a-stillborn-failure-that-transmogrifies-into-a/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

> [“Because everything you perceive is a metaphor for something your brain is not equipped to fully understand. God is as real as the clothes…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/because-everything-you-perceive-is-a-metaphor-for-something-your/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

> [“Capitalism is rotten at every level, and yet it adds up to something extraordinarily useful for society over time. The paradox of capitalism is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/capitalism-is-rotten-at-every-level-and-yet-it-adds-up-to-something/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

> [The best part about being my age is in knowing how my life worked out. Sure, there's a lot more living to go, but…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/the-best-part-about-being-my-age-is-in-knowing-how-my-life-worked-out/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

> [If you see voters as rational, you'll be a terrible politician. People are not wired to be rational. Our brains simply evolved to keep…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/if-you-see-voters-as-rational-you-ll-be-a-terrible-politician-people/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

> [E-books are impervious to analogy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/e-books-are-impervious-to-analogy/)

[Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/)

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                        "text": "Highly intelligent and well-informed people disagree on every political issue. Therefore, intelligence and knowledge are useless for making decisions, because if any of that stuff helped, then all the smart people would have the same opinions. So use your \"gut instinct\" to make voting choices. That is exactly like being clueless, but with the added advantage that you'll feel as if your random vote preserved democracy.",
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                        "text": "In yesterday's post, I asked how many of you guys would have sex with a robot if it was indistinguishable from a hot human woman. About 95% of the hetero guys said they would. The other 5% expressed a strong preference for lying.",
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                        "text": "Priority-wise, it simply makes sense to take care of yourself before you start searching for a higher meaning. You aren't much good to anyone else if you're unhealthy, a financial burden, or an emotional basket case. Fix yourself before you turn outward. It's best for everyone.",
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                        "text": "To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.",
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                        "text": "If you work in the city long enough, it begins to deal with you on a personal level. Streets reveal their moods. Sometimes the signal light loves you. Sometimes they fight you. When you're hunting for a new building, you hope the city is on your side. You have to use a little bit of thinking--you might call it the process of elimination--and you need a little bit of instinct, but not too much of either. If you think too hard, you overshoot your target and end up at the Pier or the Tenderloin. If you relax and let the city help, the destination does all the work for you.",
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                        "text": "Boss: I just heard that light travels faster than sound. I'm wondering if I should shout when I speak, just so my lips appear to sync-up with my words.",
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                        "text": "If I had to pick one quality that best predicts success (other than wanting to be successful) it would be the willingness to risk embarrassment.",
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                        "text": "I was surprised to learn that doing household chores qualifies as romantic for most of you [women]. That's exactly why you should never hire a butler if you strike it rich - the minute that Jeeves starts unloading the dishwasher without being asked, your wife is going to start humping his leg.",
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                        "text": "The greenest home is the one you don't build. If you really want to save the Earth, move in with another family and share a house that's already built. Better yet, live in the forest and eat whatever the squirrels don't want.",
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                        "text": "I rank money higher than social life or meaning because once you have money, those other things are easier to get. For example, you won't have much of a social life if you can't afford to do anything. And you can't make money if your health is a mess.",
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                        "text": "The surest way to identify those who won't succeed at weight loss is that they tend to say things like \"My goal is to lose ten pounds.\" Weight targets often work in the short run. But if you need willpower to keep the weight off, you're doomed in the long run. The only way to succeed in the long run is by using a system that bypasses your need for willpower.",
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