---
title: "29 Ifs Quotes By Sarah Silverman"
description: "29 Ifs quotes by Sarah Silverman. Plus more from Sarah Silverman and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de2/sarah-silverman-1212_ifs_if-you-quit-being-cunty-the-whole-world_2804203.png"
---

> [If you quit being cunty, the whole world will stop being against you.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/if-you-quit-being-cunty-the-whole-world-will-stop-being-against-you/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de2/sarah-silverman-1212_ifs_if-you-quit-being-cunty-the-whole-world_2804203.png)

> [Nothing is taboo if you have an angle on it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/nothing-is-taboo-if-you-have-an-angle-on-it/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/18a/sarah-silverman-1212_angle_nothing-is-taboo-if-you-have-an-angle-on_1367600.png)

> [I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/i-don-t-care-if-you-think-i-m-racist-i-just-want-you-to-think-i-m-thin/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/360/sarah-silverman-1212_care_i-don-t-care-if-you-think-i-m-racist-i-j_371719.png)

> [If I don't do stand-up for two weeks, I get freaked out.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/if-i-don-t-do-stand-up-for-two-weeks-i-get-freaked-out/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6ad/sarah-silverman-1212_freaked_if-i-don-t-do-stand-up-for-two-weeks-i-g_2102209.png)

> [If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/if-we-can-send-a-person-to-the-moon-we-can-send-someone-with-aids-to/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/acb/sarah-silverman-1212_aids_if-we-can-send-a-person-to-the-moon-we-c_2786856.png)

> [I don't think half my stuff would be funny if the audience didn't feel at least a little bit safe that it's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/i-don-t-think-half-my-stuff-would-be-funny-if-the-audience-didn-t/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fe3/sarah-silverman-1212_audience_i-don-t-think-half-my-stuff-would-be-fun_301621.png)

> [My mom was always someone who if, even now, I say I met a certain famous person, she always says, "She's married…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/my-mom-was-always-someone-who-if-even-now-i-say-i-met-a-certain/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/edb/sarah-silverman-1212_certain_my-mom-was-always-someone-who-if-even-no_639655.png)

> [I'm not wanting and I don't live in a hovel, but if you keep your costs low, you can do what you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/i-m-not-wanting-and-i-don-t-live-in-a-hovel-but-if-you-keep-your/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a0d/sarah-silverman-1212_can-do_i-m-not-wanting-and-i-don-t-live-in-a-ho_1535451.png)

> [If my Catholic boyfriend and I ever have a kid, we'll just be honest with it. We'll say that Mommy is one…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/if-my-catholic-boyfriend-and-i-ever-have-a-kid-we-ll-just-be-honest/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da6/sarah-silverman-1212_being-honest_if-my-catholic-boyfriend-and-i-ever-have_444196.png)

> [If I were somebody else looking at my character, I'd be like, "She's beautiful." I'm practicing. I'm not succeeding.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/if-i-were-somebody-else-looking-at-my-character-i-d-be-like-she-s/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8a3/sarah-silverman-1212_beautiful_if-i-were-somebody-else-looking-at-my-ch_118297.png)

> [It's really stupid to defend your own jokes. That is for other people to do if they choose to.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/it-s-really-stupid-to-defend-your-own-jokes-that-is-for-other-people/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/879/sarah-silverman-1212_comedy_it-s-really-stupid-to-defend-your-own-jo_2208496.png)

> [If you take a shower with your boyfriend, I guarantee by the time you step out of that shower, your breasts will…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/if-you-take-a-shower-with-your-boyfriend-i-guarantee-by-the-time-you/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/14a/sarah-silverman-1212_breasts_if-you-take-a-shower-with-your-boyfriend_1658555.png)

> [I love going to weddings. And I love it when my friends get married. I'm not against marriage but it's just not…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/i-love-going-to-weddings-and-i-love-it-when-my-friends-get-married-i/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f18/sarah-silverman-1212_friendship_i-love-going-to-weddings-and-i-love-it-w_2003971.png)

> [If I have to write by a certain time, I can pull through, but usually I just let stuff happen, hanging out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/if-i-have-to-write-by-a-certain-time-i-can-pull-through-but-usually-i/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/936/sarah-silverman-1212_certain_if-i-have-to-write-by-a-certain-time-i-c_1762635.png)

> [I've never had an abortion. And I don't know if I would. But, it doesn't mean that I wouldn't fight to the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/i-ve-never-had-an-abortion-and-i-don-t-know-if-i-would-but-it-doesn-t/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/868/sarah-silverman-1212_abortion_i-ve-never-had-an-abortion-and-i-don-t-k_2771006.png)

> [If you sell the Vatican and you take that money and you use it to feed every single human being on the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/if-you-sell-the-vatican-and-you-take-that-money-and-you-use-it-to/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f61/sarah-silverman-1212_cup-of-tea_if-you-sell-the-vatican-and-you-take-tha_2824394.png)

> [Comedy can't live within my second-guesses, so I started doing new material. Sometimes I bombed. But you have to be willing to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/comedy-can-t-live-within-my-second-guesses-so-i-started-doing-new/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b58/sarah-silverman-1212_brain_comedy-can-t-live-within-my-second-guess_1171817.png)

> [I like trying jokes and seeing the response, and if I end up doing it in my act, it won't be 140…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/i-like-trying-jokes-and-seeing-the-response-and-if-i-end-up-doing-it/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/88c/sarah-silverman-1212_140-character_i-like-trying-jokes-and-seeing-the-respo_913533.jpg)

> [People who follow their religion to the letter of the law are just silly. I mean, I want to tell Hasidic Jews…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/people-who-follow-their-religion-to-the-letter-of-the-law-are-just/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/76c/sarah-silverman-1212_cotton_people-who-follow-their-religion-to-the_1352257.png)

> [I learned pretty early is I never defend my material; it's for other people to if someone is offended. It's so subjective,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/i-learned-pretty-early-is-i-never-defend-my-material-it-s-for-other/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/190/sarah-silverman-1212_comedy_i-learned-pretty-early-is-i-never-defend_2084046.png)

> [I do enjoy and feel compelled to talk about things that are taboo. One, because I think I'm a troublemaker inside, if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/i-do-enjoy-and-feel-compelled-to-talk-about-things-that-are-taboo-one/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/be1/sarah-silverman-1212_compelled_i-do-enjoy-and-feel-compelled-to-talk-ab_1639895.png)

> [She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/she-uh-came-out-of-the-closet-recently-my-niece-um-she-announced-to/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ed4/sarah-silverman-1212_believe_she-uh-came-out-of-the-closet-recently-m_2739509.png)

> [I became known for surprising audiences. Except now, if I surprise them every time, they expect that.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/i-became-known-for-surprising-audiences-except-now-if-i-surprise-them/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/be5/sarah-silverman-1212_audience_i-became-known-for-surprising-audiences_2606309.png)

> [Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/strippers-should-be-role-models-for-little-girls-if-only-for-the-fact/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/857/sarah-silverman-1212_assholes_strippers-should-be-role-models-for-litt_1655770.png)

> [It's just hard to say, "Well, I do this, which means this." If I'm telling you exactly who I am, then there's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/it-s-just-hard-to-say-well-i-do-this-which-means-this-if-i-m-telling/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/75d/sarah-silverman-1212_audience_it-s-just-hard-to-say-well-i-do-this-whi_144416.png)

> [If you decide to do comedy that involves risk, risk means risk, and you can't complain of flesh wounds if you sit…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/if-you-decide-to-do-comedy-that-involves-risk-risk-means-risk-and-you/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/318/sarah-silverman-1212_comedy_if-you-decide-to-do-comedy-that-involves_1634296.png)

> [I think the difference between being miserable and finding happiness is just a matter of perspective. If you live your life defining…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/i-think-the-difference-between-being-miserable-and-finding-happiness/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/003/sarah-silverman-1212_define-yourself_i-think-the-difference-between-being-mis_722991.png)

> [Why would I become involved with something that doesn't include everyone? If you're getting married today, it's the equivalent of joining a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/why-would-i-become-involved-with-something-that-doesn-t-include/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/87c/sarah-silverman-1212_clubs_why-would-i-become-involved-with-somethi_360632.png)

> [Nothing is taboo if you have an angle on it. That said, critiquing women's human shells isn't my thang. Though there's probably…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/nothing-is-taboo-if-you-have-an-angle-on-it-that-said-critiquing/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da2/sarah-silverman-1212_angle_nothing-is-taboo-if-you-have-an-angle-on_459865.jpg)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by Sarah Silverman

> [When I was 17, I read a profile of Carol Leifer. Since then, I wanted to be her. I still want to be her.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/when-i-was-17-i-read-a-profile-of-carol-leifer-since-then-i-wanted-to/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

> [My growing up years, we watched 'Happy Days,' every night. I don't know what was reruns and what was new.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/my-growing-up-years-we-watched-happy-days-every-night-i-don-t-know/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

> [People can't help what topics cut them deep. It all depends on who's inferring - and what the contexts of their lives are at…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/people-can-t-help-what-topics-cut-them-deep-it-all-depends-on-who-s/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

> [In your twenties, I think you should have all of the sex that you're inclined to have, as long as you're safe about it.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/in-your-twenties-i-think-you-should-have-all-of-the-sex-that-you-re/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

> [I was a bedwetter until I was about 15, and it was humiliating.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/i-was-a-bedwetter-until-i-was-about-15-and-it-was-humiliating/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

> [Someone on Twitter sent me a page from a textbook. It had a picture of a football player next to a picture of me.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/someone-on-twitter-sent-me-a-page-from-a-textbook-it-had-a-picture-of/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

> [It fills me with a weird rage to wear shoes that make me not able to walk easily or run if I had to.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/it-fills-me-with-a-weird-rage-to-wear-shoes-that-make-me-not-able-to/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

> [If you are truly offended by an 80-year-old man saying you're not funny, then you're probably not funny.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/if-you-are-truly-offended-by-an-80-year-old-man-saying-you-re-not/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

> [Summer camp: the second worst camp for Jews.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/summer-camp-the-second-worst-camp-for-jews/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

> [“If you’ve ever heard that song by Beyoncé, “Single Ladies,” I am one of the people she’s singing about. I have to be, because…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/if-you-ve-ever-heard-that-song-by-beyonc-single-ladies-i-am-one-of/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

> [If I were somebody else looking at my character, I'd be like, "She's beautiful." I'm practicing. I'm not succeeding.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/if-i-were-somebody-else-looking-at-my-character-i-d-be-like-she-s/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

> [I say 'I'm sorry.' It usually disarms them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/i-say-i-m-sorry-it-usually-disarms-them/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

> [“People who call themselves divas...you are not a diva. I'm pretty sure you're a cunt.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/people-who-call-themselves-divas-you-are-not-a-diva-i-m-pretty-sure/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

> [ \[I'm\] almost positive there is no God. ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/i-m-almost-positive-there-is-no-god/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

> [It's just hard to say, "Well, I do this, which means this." If I'm telling you exactly who I am, then there's nothing for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/it-s-just-hard-to-say-well-i-do-this-which-means-this-if-i-m-telling/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

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                        "text": "If you sell the Vatican and you take that money and you use it to feed every single human being on the planet, you will get cah-azy pussy. All the pussy. I don't mean literally. That might not be your cup of tea. I don't know what your version of  'all the pussy' is. But you'll get all the pussy.",
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                        "text": "People who follow their religion to the letter of the law are just silly. I mean, I want to tell Hasidic Jews I promise you, God will not mind if you wear a nice cotton blend in the summer.",
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                        "text": "She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian is, but I support her completely. And, uh... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like... But when you're seven, you know, a week is a long time.",
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                        "text": "Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.",
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                        "text": "Nothing is taboo if you have an angle on it. That said, critiquing women's human shells isn't my thang. Though there's probably something funny or interesting to be said about those who do it, and what that comes from.",
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