---
title: "32 Ifs Quotes By Quentin Crisp"
description: "32 Ifs quotes by Quentin Crisp. Plus more from Quentin Crisp and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/236/quentin-crisp-1163_batteries_if-you-don-t-stay-in-some-days-you-can-t_3158228.png"
---

> [If you don't stay in some days, you can't recharge your batteries.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/if-you-don-t-stay-in-some-days-you-can-t-recharge-your-batteries/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/236/quentin-crisp-1163_batteries_if-you-don-t-stay-in-some-days-you-can-t_3158228.png)

> [What is privacy if not for invading?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/what-is-privacy-if-not-for-invading/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/76d/quentin-crisp-1163_cybersecurity_what-is-privacy-if-not-for-invading-1862_1862348.png)

> [You will survive if you believe in yourself.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/you-will-survive-if-you-believe-in-yourself/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c3e/quentin-crisp-1163_believe_you-will-survive-if-you-believe-in-yours_1580702.png)

> [If I have any talent at all, it is not for doing but for being.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/if-i-have-any-talent-at-all-it-is-not-for-doing-but-for-being/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a2e/quentin-crisp-1163_doing_if-i-have-any-talent-at-all-it-is-not-fo_2451194.png)

> [If you truly love me, kill the bartender.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/if-you-truly-love-me-kill-the-bartender/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aeb/quentin-crisp-1163_bartender_if-you-truly-love-me-kill-the-bartender_3035367.png)

> [You can't be a person and a lady. If you're a person, you can open the damned door yourself.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/you-can-t-be-a-person-and-a-lady-if-you-re-a-person-you-can-open-the/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cbd/quentin-crisp-1163_door_you-can-t-be-a-person-and-a-lady-if-you_2507752.png)

> [I don't really act. I say the words the way I would say them if I meant them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/i-don-t-really-act-i-say-the-words-the-way-i-would-say-them-if-i/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/713/quentin-crisp-1163_ifs_i-don-t-really-act-i-say-the-words-the-w_343692.png)

> [What I wanted most of all was to use sex as a weapon to allure, subjugate, and, if possible, destroy the personality…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/what-i-wanted-most-of-all-was-to-use-sex-as-a-weapon-to-allure/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b2f/quentin-crisp-1163_allure_what-i-wanted-most-of-all-was-to-use-sex_2177946.png)

> [In fact I try to spend at least one, if not two days without ever leaving my room. Because if I didn't,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/in-fact-i-try-to-spend-at-least-one-if-not-two-days-without-ever/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c96/quentin-crisp-1163_batteries_in-fact-i-try-to-spend-at-least-one-if-n_1396259.png)

> [If you live in America, you don't have to work. You can just drift along in the smiling and nodding racket.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/if-you-live-in-america-you-don-t-have-to-work-you-can-just-drift/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5e5/quentin-crisp-1163_america_if-you-live-in-america-you-don-t-have-to_131058.png)

> [Did you know that Allah promises you a seat in Paradise if you kill a Christian?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/did-you-know-that-allah-promises-you-a-seat-in-paradise-if-you-kill-a/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/34e/quentin-crisp-1163_allah_did-you-know-that-allah-promises-you-a-s_2970163.png)

> [If one is not going to take the necessary precautions to avoid having parents, one must undertake to bring them up.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/if-one-is-not-going-to-take-the-necessary-precautions-to-avoid-having/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/096/quentin-crisp-1163_child_if-one-is-not-going-to-take-the-necessar_3021234.png)

> [If I were God - and I never understand why I'm not - I should say, "Shop around, I don't think you'll…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/if-i-were-god-and-i-never-understand-why-i-m-not-i-should-say-shop/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/867/quentin-crisp-1163_bargain_if-i-were-god-and-i-never-understand-why_492640.png)

> [You see, astrology is like fortune-telling. If you can't get it right, you say, "Well, if Venus was doing something peculiar in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/you-see-astrology-is-like-fortune-telling-if-you-can-t-get-it-right/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/941/quentin-crisp-1163_astrology_you-see-astrology-is-like-fortune-tellin_735761.jpg)

> [A gentleman doesn't pounce he glides. If a woman sits on a piece of furniture which permits your sitting beside her, you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/a-gentleman-doesn-t-pounce-he-glides-if-a-woman-sits-on-a-piece-of/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5a9/quentin-crisp-1163_furniture_a-gentleman-doesn-t-pounce-he-glides-if_2611605.png)

> [I found that I had become so spinsterish that I was made neurotic not only by my life of domesticity but by…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/i-found-that-i-had-become-so-spinsterish-that-i-was-made-neurotic-not/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2c4/quentin-crisp-1163_domesticity_i-found-that-i-had-become-so-spinsterish_2971629.jpg)

> [If you describe things as better than they are, you are considered to be a romantic; if you describe things as worse…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/if-you-describe-things-as-better-than-they-are-you-are-considered-to/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ffe/quentin-crisp-1163_ifs_if-you-describe-things-as-better-than-th_2356359.png)

> [Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. If at…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/rome-did-not-create-a-great-empire-by-having-meetings-they-did-it-by/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/148/quentin-crisp-1163_empire_rome-did-not-create-a-great-empire-by-ha_1835661.png)

> [The ... problem that confronts homosexuals is that they set out to win the love of a "real" man. If they succeed,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/the-problem-that-confronts-homosexuals-is-that-they-set-out-to-win/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/98c/quentin-crisp-1163_conundrums_the-problem-that-confronts-homosexuals-i_260575.png)

> [If Mr. Vincent Price were to be co-starred with Miss Bette Davis in a story by Mr. Edgar Allan Poe directed by…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/if-mr-vincent-price-were-to-be-co-starred-with-miss-bette-davis-in-a/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37d/quentin-crisp-1163_allan-poe_if-mr-vincent-price-were-to-be-co-starre_3145702.png)

> [Because it is in the nature of things that they become extreme, we have passed down from manliness to cruelty. If I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/because-it-is-in-the-nature-of-things-that-they-become-extreme-we/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e7a/quentin-crisp-1163_bartender_because-it-is-in-the-nature-of-things-th_3017434.jpg)

> [Fashion is not style. Nay, we can say more: Fashion is instead of style. Style is an idiom springing spontaneously from the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/fashion-is-not-style-nay-we-can-say-more-fashion-is-instead-of-style/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d8/quentin-crisp-1163_able_fashion-is-not-style-nay-we-can-say-more_429232.jpg)

> [To minimize my guilt at going to the pictures - to call this wanton pursuit of an effete pleasure by another name…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/to-minimize-my-guilt-at-going-to-the-pictures-to-call-this-wanton/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7a2/quentin-crisp-1163_arms_to-minimize-my-guilt-at-going-to-the-pic_1312453.jpg)

> [If sophistication is a matter of being in control of our primary reactions, we may now be sophisticated. At least we shall…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/if-sophistication-is-a-matter-of-being-in-control-of-our-primary/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/11c/quentin-crisp-1163_advisable_if-sophistication-is-a-matter-of-being-i_3105931.png)

> [Mainstream people dislike homosexuality because they can't help concentrating on what homosexual men do to one another. And when you contemplate what…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/mainstream-people-dislike-homosexuality-because-they-can-t-help/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ec/quentin-crisp-1163_concentrating_mainstream-people-dislike-homosexuality_1987532.png)

> [Life is a game in which the rules are constantly changing; nothing spoils a game more than those who take it seriously.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/life-is-a-game-in-which-the-rules-are-constantly-changing-nothing/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/19c/quentin-crisp-1163_able_life-is-a-game-in-which-the-rules-are-co_2633916.jpg)

> [In most cases an act of unwelcome sex is no more bother than being vaccinated, so there's no point going on about…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/in-most-cases-an-act-of-unwelcome-sex-is-no-more-bother-than-being/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/422/quentin-crisp-1163_abuse_in-most-cases-an-act-of-unwelcome-sex-is_968401.png)

> [One of the special beauties of America is that it is the only country in the world where you are not advised…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/one-of-the-special-beauties-of-america-is-that-it-is-the-only-country/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8e0/quentin-crisp-1163_accounts_one-of-the-special-beauties-of-america-i_2905237.png)

> [What would you be like if you were the only person in the world? If you want to be truly happy you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/what-would-you-be-like-if-you-were-the-only-person-in-the-world-if/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f4e/quentin-crisp-1163_happiness_what-would-you-be-like-if-you-were-the-o_355102.png)

> [I was amazed to receive later a substantial sum for sitting in my room and talking about myself. If only I could…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/i-was-amazed-to-receive-later-a-substantial-sum-for-sitting-in-my/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fc7/quentin-crisp-1163_amazed_i-was-amazed-to-receive-later-a-substant_108449.png)

> [Why get married? For human beings, marriage is such an unnatural state. If you want monogamy, it has been said, you should…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/why-get-married-for-human-beings-marriage-is-such-an-unnatural-state/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b1b/quentin-crisp-1163_has-beens_why-get-married-for-human-beings-marriag_417584.png)

> [I have known female whores who spoke very bitterly of their calling. "If they don't like my face, they can put a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/i-have-known-female-whores-who-spoke-very-bitterly-of-their-calling/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/958/quentin-crisp-1163_apologizing_i-have-known-female-whores-who-spoke-ver_1731068.png)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by Quentin Crisp

> [You can behave as badly as you like in America. Nobody notices.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/you-can-behave-as-badly-as-you-like-in-america-nobody-notices/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

> [Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/never-keep-up-with-the-joneses-drag-them-down-to-your-level/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

> [“Masturbation is not only an expression of self-regard: it is also the natural emotional outlet of those who, before anything has reared its ugly…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/masturbation-is-not-only-an-expression-of-self-regard-it-is-also-the/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

> [I am the last of Britain's stately homos.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/i-am-the-last-of-britain-s-stately-homos/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

> [My mother protected me from the world and my father threatened me with it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/my-mother-protected-me-from-the-world-and-my-father-threatened-me/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

> [Nothing more rapidly inclines a person to go into a monastery than reading a book on etiquette. There are so many trivial ways in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/nothing-more-rapidly-inclines-a-person-to-go-into-a-monastery-than/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

> [Vice is its own reward. It is virtue which, if it is to be marketed with consumer appeal, must carry Green Shield stamps.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/vice-is-its-own-reward-it-is-virtue-which-if-it-is-to-be-marketed/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

> [Most men when they make up their faces, the makeup stands forward, and their faces are behind.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/most-men-when-they-make-up-their-faces-the-makeup-stands-forward-and/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

> [Development of character consists solely in moving toward self-sufficiency.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/development-of-character-consists-solely-in-moving-toward-self/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

> [Women have decided to be people, which is a great mistake. Women were nicer than people.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/women-have-decided-to-be-people-which-is-a-great-mistake-women-were/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

> [Sex is the last refuge of the misreable.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/sex-is-the-last-refuge-of-the-misreable/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

> [I was amazed to receive later a substantial sum for sitting in my room and talking about myself. If only I could get some…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/i-was-amazed-to-receive-later-a-substantial-sum-for-sitting-in-my/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

> [If you live in America, you don't have to work. You can just drift along in the smiling and nodding racket.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/if-you-live-in-america-you-don-t-have-to-work-you-can-just-drift/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

> [“I was from birth an object of mild ridicule because of my movements - especially the perpetual flutter of my hands - and my…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/i-was-from-birth-an-object-of-mild-ridicule-because-of-my-movements/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

> [If a man were to look over the fence on one side of his garden and observe that the neighbor on his left had…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-crisp/if-a-man-were-to-look-over-the-fence-on-one-side-of-his-garden-and/)

[Quentin Crisp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-crisp/)

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                        "text": "The ... problem that confronts homosexuals is that they set out to win the love of a \"real\" man. If they succeed, they fail. A man who \"goes with\" other men is not what they would call a real man. The conundrum is incapable of resolution, but that does not make homosexuals give it up.",
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                        "text": "If Mr. Vincent Price were to be co-starred with Miss Bette Davis in a story by Mr. Edgar Allan Poe directed by Mr. Roger Corman, it could not fully express the pent-up violence and depravity of a single day in the life of the average family.",
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                        "text": "Because it is in the nature of things that they become extreme, we have passed down from manliness to cruelty. If I had been told when I was 20 that there was a tavern in the town where the brave and the cruel were gathered together, I would have run all the way and I would have gone up to the largest and leatheriest of the denizens and said: If you truly love me, kill the bartender.",
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                        "text": "Fashion is not style. Nay, we can say more: Fashion is instead of style. Style is an idiom springing spontaneously from the personality but deliberately maintained. If you have no personality, you may be able to save your face and, possibly, your entire anatomy by following the current fashion, but all we shall know about you, when we see you coming down the street, is that you had enough money to buy a glossy magazine and were sufficiently cunning to work out the cut of the garments shown therein.",
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                        "text": "To minimize my guilt at going to the pictures - to call this wanton pursuit of an effete pleasure by another name - I needed movie companions as drunkards need drinking partners. If I entered a cinema alone, God might plunge his arm through the roof of the auditorium booming in a stereophonic voice, 'And you, Crisp, what are you doing here?' I would never have dared reply, 'I'm just enjoying myself, Lord.'",
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                        "text": "If sophistication is a matter of being in control of our primary reactions, we may now be sophisticated. At least we shall be fairly confident of ourselves and may, with any luck, be confident of others. Our object will be to enjoy our selves. But to make sure that our names are permanently on the cast list, it will be advisable to be of interest to others. This aim must never be confused with the desire to be popular.",
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                        "text": "Mainstream people dislike homosexuality because they can't help concentrating on what homosexual men do to one another. And when you contemplate what people do, you think of yourself doing it. And they don't like that. That's the famous joke: I don't like peas, and I'm glad I don't like them, because if I liked them I would eat them and I hate them.",
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                        "text": "Life is a game in which the rules are constantly changing; nothing spoils a game more than those who take it seriously. Adultery? Phooey! You should never subjugate yourself to another nor seek the subjugation of someone else to yourself. If you follow that Crispian principle you will be able to say Phooey, too, instead of reaching for your gun when you fancy yourself betrayed.",
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                        "text": "In most cases an act of unwelcome sex is no more bother than being vaccinated, so there's no point going on about it as if it werea fate worse than death. With skill and good manners you can avoid having to make the sacrifice, but should you find yourself in a compromising situation largely of your own making, you should stop defending your virtue and start worrying about your maturity. It will give you something to think about while the savage pumper bangs away.",
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                        "text": "One of the special beauties of America is that it is the only country in the world where you are not advised to learn the language before entering. Before I ever set out for the United States, I asked a friend if I should study American. His answer was unequivocal. \"On no account,\" he said. \"The more English you sound, the more likely you are to be believed.\"",
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                        "text": "What would you be like if you were the only person in the world? If you want to be truly happy you must be that person.",
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                        "text": "I was amazed to receive later a substantial sum for sitting in my room and talking about myself. If only I could get some of the back pay!",
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                        "text": "Why get married? For human beings, marriage is such an unnatural state. If you want monogamy, it has been said, you should marry a swan.",
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                        "text": "I have known female whores who spoke very bitterly of their calling. \"If they don't like my face, they can put a cushion over it. I know it's not that they're interested in.\" But to the boys this profession never seemed shameful. It was their daytime occupations for which they felt the need to apologize. In some instances, these were lower class or humdrum or, worst of all, unfeminine. At least whoring was never that.",
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}
```