---
title: "18 Ifs Quotes By Phyllis Diller"
description: "18 Ifs quotes by Phyllis Diller. Plus more from Phyllis Diller and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2bf/phyllis-diller-1622_facelift_when-to-have-a-facelift-if-you-re-trippi_1029165.png"
---

> [ \[When to have a facelift:\] If you're tripping over your neck. ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/when-to-have-a-facelift-if-you-re-tripping-over-your-neck/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2bf/phyllis-diller-1622_facelift_when-to-have-a-facelift-if-you-re-trippi_1029165.png)

> [If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/if-it-weren-t-for-my-adam-s-apple-i-d-have-no-shape-at-all/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da8/phyllis-diller-1622_adam_if-it-weren-t-for-my-adam-s-apple-i-d-ha_2135175.png)

> [If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/if-you-don-t-have-wrinkles-you-haven-t-laughed-enough/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f68/phyllis-diller-1622_enough_if-you-don-t-have-wrinkles-you-haven-t-l_217347.png)

> [... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/if-i-invested-in-a-mouthwash-stock-bad-breath-would-suddenly-become/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cda/phyllis-diller-1622_bad-breath_if-i-invested-in-a-mouthwash-stock-bad-b_1207107.png)

> [If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/if-i-wore-a-peek-a-boo-dress-it-would-be-like-turning-in-a-false-alarm/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/089/phyllis-diller-1622_alarms_if-i-wore-a-peek-a-boo-dress-it-would-be_2661805.png)

> [If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/if-my-jeans-could-talk-they-d-plead-for-mercy/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9e1/phyllis-diller-1622_compassion_if-my-jeans-could-talk-they-d-plead-for_336711.png)

> [Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/your-husband-is-lazy-if-the-directions-on-his-medicine-say-a-teaspoon/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4e1/phyllis-diller-1622_bed_your-husband-is-lazy-if-the-directions-o_2871613.png)

> [If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this?…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/if-your-house-is-really-a-mess-and-a-stranger-comes-to-the-door-greet/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d70/phyllis-diller-1622_chores_if-your-house-is-really-a-mess-and-a-str_382470.png)

> [ One \[expert\] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/one-expert-said-always-have-a-baby-sitter-who-is-acquainted-with-your/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3c7/phyllis-diller-1622_baby_one-expert-said-always-have-a-baby-sitte_2690198.png)

> [Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/your-husband-drinks-too-much-if-he-says-he-never-drinks-alone-but/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbb/phyllis-diller-1622_drink_your-husband-drinks-too-much-if-he-says_1717489.png)

> [Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/your-husband-is-lazy-if-coffee-doesn-t-keep-him-awake-even-when-it-s/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0be/phyllis-diller-1622_awake_your-husband-is-lazy-if-coffee-doesn-t-k_2355816.png)

> [If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/if-your-husband-wants-to-lick-the-beaters-on-the-mixer-shut-them-off/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/608/phyllis-diller-1622_giving_if-your-husband-wants-to-lick-the-beater_3187407.png)

> [My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/my-husband-is-so-useless-that-it-s-hard-for-me-to-be-romantic-with/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a63/phyllis-diller-1622_blink_my-husband-is-so-useless-that-it-s-hard_1544996.png)

> [ ... if they \[your children\] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year. ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/if-they-your-children-write-their-names-in-the-dust-on-the-furniture/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/246/phyllis-diller-1622_child_if-they-your-children-write-their-names_2694747.png)

> [On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/on-the-way-to-the-delivery-room-i-almost-changed-my-mind-about-having/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f8/phyllis-diller-1622_baby_on-the-way-to-the-delivery-room-i-almost_662049.png)

> [Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/let-me-tell-you-a-discussion-that-starts-i-ll-tell-you-something-you/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d11/phyllis-diller-1622_bother_let-me-tell-you-a-discussion-that-starts_1793756.png)

> [When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/when-you-play-spin-the-bottle-if-they-don-t-want-to-kiss-you-they/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3b3/phyllis-diller-1622_bottles_when-you-play-spin-the-bottle-if-they-do_1533393.png)

> [Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/your-husband-is-lazy-if-when-he-leaves-the-house-he-finds-out-which/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6a4/phyllis-diller-1622_funny_your-husband-is-lazy-if-when-he-leaves-t_2543055.png)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by Phyllis Diller

> [My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/my-mother-in-law-must-be-the-probation-officer-i-got-for-the-crime-i/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

> [I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/i-don-t-know-how-you-feel-about-old-age-but-in-my-case-i-didn-t-even/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

> [If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/if-it-weren-t-for-baseball-many-kids-wouldn-t-know-what-a-millionaire/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

> [I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/i-m-the-only-woman-who-can-walk-in-central-park-at-night-and-reduce/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

> [I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/i-was-the-world-s-ugliest-baby-when-i-was-born-the-doctor-slapped/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

> [By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/by-far-the-most-common-craving-of-pregnant-women-is-not-to-be-pregnant/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

> [For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/for-fang-getting-out-of-bed-in-the-morning-is-a-career-move/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

> [Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/women-want-men-careers-money-children-friends-luxury-comfort/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

> [I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/i-admit-i-have-a-tremendous-sex-drive-my-boyfriend-lives-forty-miles/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

> [The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/the-reason-women-don-t-play-football-is-because-11-of-them-would/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

> [If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/if-you-don-t-have-wrinkles-you-haven-t-laughed-enough/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

> [“A smile is a curve that sets things right.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/a-smile-is-a-curve-that-sets-things-right/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

> [Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/every-time-i-go-near-the-stove-the-dog-howls/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

> [Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/some-wives-have-model-husbands-i-got-one-that-needed-remodeling/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

> [My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phyllis-diller/my-idea-of-exercise-is-a-good-brisk-sit/)

[Phyllis Diller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phyllis-diller/)

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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.",
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                        "text": "My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.",
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