--- title: "11 Ifs Quotes By Paul Reiser" description: "11 Ifs quotes by Paul Reiser. Plus more from Paul Reiser and more Ifs sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af2/paul-reiser-7549_fall_if-a-tree-falls-on-your-head-in-a-forest_2053584.jpg" --- > [If a tree falls on your head in a forest and no one hears it, it still hurts.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/if-a-tree-falls-on-your-head-in-a-forest-and-no-one-hears-it-it-still/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af2/paul-reiser-7549_fall_if-a-tree-falls-on-your-head-in-a-forest_2053584.jpg) > [The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/the-jewel-in-the-baby-product-crown-is-the-stroller-and-if-in-america/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/781/paul-reiser-7549_america_the-jewel-in-the-baby-product-crown-is-t_3207279.jpg) > [I'm not smart enough to write about something that didn't actually happen to me. But I couldn't write a space movie if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/i-m-not-smart-enough-to-write-about-something-that-didn-t-actually/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ee7/paul-reiser-7549_enough_i-m-not-smart-enough-to-write-about-some_930491.jpg) > [My wife would say my worst habit is that I'm not good at dropping subjects. If something bothers me, I'll bring it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/my-wife-would-say-my-worst-habit-is-that-i-m-not-good-at-dropping/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f4/paul-reiser-7549_bother_my-wife-would-say-my-worst-habit-is-that_880867.jpg) > [Just because a baby cries, I discovered, doesn't mean there's always something wrong. Sometimes babies wake up for no real reason. They…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/just-because-a-baby-cries-i-discovered-doesn-t-mean-there-s-always/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbd/paul-reiser-7549_babies_just-because-a-baby-cries-i-discovered-d_3193769.jpg) > [Why do you think people close their eyes when they kiss? Think about it. In the real world, if you saw someone…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/why-do-you-think-people-close-their-eyes-when-they-kiss-think-about/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d9/paul-reiser-7549_eye_why-do-you-think-people-close-their-eyes_956833.jpg) > [My wife and I never agree on the dishtowels. It's a matter of terms. She asks me not to put the dishtowel…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/my-wife-and-i-never-agree-on-the-dishtowels-it-s-a-matter-of-terms/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6e5/paul-reiser-7549_agree_my-wife-and-i-never-agree-on-the-dishtow_2302328.jpg) > [It was trying to make my tennis game look mildly respectable, which I found you don't even really need to practice if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/it-was-trying-to-make-my-tennis-game-look-mildly-respectable-which-i/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ae/paul-reiser-7549_camps_it-was-trying-to-make-my-tennis-game-loo_762086.jpg) > [Over the years, there certainly have been plenty of ideas that I've had and given up on, but for this one, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/over-the-years-there-certainly-have-been-plenty-of-ideas-that-i-ve/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c3c/paul-reiser-7549_effort_over-the-years-there-certainly-have-been_1705714.jpg) > [From the minute we're born, boys and girls stare at each other, trying to figure out if they like what they see.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/from-the-minute-we-re-born-boys-and-girls-stare-at-each-other-trying/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6cb/paul-reiser-7549_born_from-the-minute-we-re-born-boys-and-girl_2034399.jpg) > [So where did these cravings come from? I concluded it's the baby ordering in. Prenatal takeout. Even without ever being in a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/so-where-did-these-cravings-come-from-i-concluded-it-s-the-baby/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0de/paul-reiser-7549_baby_so-where-did-these-cravings-come-from-i_725264.jpg) ## Other authors on Ifs ## More by Paul Reiser > [He was born early. But he was born within a safe range of premature.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/he-was-born-early-but-he-was-born-within-a-safe-range-of-premature/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) > [In fact, I had the idea because of Peter Falk. I saw my dad watching a Peter Falk movie and something clicked in my…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/in-fact-i-had-the-idea-because-of-peter-falk-i-saw-my-dad-watching-a/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) > [Upstate New York in the middle of October. You can't get more beautiful than that.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/upstate-new-york-in-the-middle-of-october-you-can-t-get-more/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) > [But the two of them together, broke my heart. Olympia and Peter, those scenes... When they're kissing in their 20s and then kissing in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/but-the-two-of-them-together-broke-my-heart-olympia-and-peter-those/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) > [People come up to us and ask how we knew so much about their own family... I'm talking about people from faraway places, too.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/people-come-up-to-us-and-ask-how-we-knew-so-much-about-their-own/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) > [This is not the most right I've ever been.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/this-is-not-the-most-right-i-ve-ever-been/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) > [But you get past that and realize you have to let go of what you think you want. There'll be plenty of time for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/but-you-get-past-that-and-realize-you-have-to-let-go-of-what-you/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) > [But I really felt that, something about the lights going down, and the sense of community. I saw this movie at one festival, and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/but-i-really-felt-that-something-about-the-lights-going-down-and-the/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) > [“And ultimately, they find out everything: How you chew, how you sip, how you hum, how you dance. How you smell at every point…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/and-ultimately-they-find-out-everything-how-you-chew-how-you-sip-how/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) > [I can't get past the fact that food is coming out of my wife's breasts. What was once essentially an entertainment center has now…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/i-can-t-get-past-the-fact-that-food-is-coming-out-of-my-wife-s/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) > [As you get older you realize your parents don't look so dumb - and that you're not as smart as you thought you were.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/as-you-get-older-you-realize-your-parents-don-t-look-so-dumb-and-that/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) > [Peanut butter and lamb chops were not foods that had ever been a significant part of our life before pregnancy. In fact, my wife…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/peanut-butter-and-lamb-chops-were-not-foods-that-had-ever-been-a/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) > [Our date-nightrule is no talking about the kids. That lasts about to the end of the driveway.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/our-date-nightrule-is-no-talking-about-the-kids-that-lasts-about-to/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) > [In traditional TV, it's very hard to have the luxury of banking all your scripts and getting everything in a row, but it does…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/in-traditional-tv-it-s-very-hard-to-have-the-luxury-of-banking-all/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) > [So where did these cravings come from? I concluded it's the baby ordering in. Prenatal takeout. Even without ever being in a restaurant, fetuses…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/so-where-did-these-cravings-come-from-i-concluded-it-s-the-baby/) [Paul Reiser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-reiser/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/paul-reiser/#itemlist", "name": "11 Ifs Quotes By Paul Reiser", "numberOfItems": 11, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If a tree falls on your head in a forest and no one hears it, it still hurts.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Paul Reiser" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/if-a-tree-falls-on-your-head-in-a-forest-and-no-one-hears-it-it-still/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af2/paul-reiser-7549_fall_if-a-tree-falls-on-your-head-in-a-forest_2053584.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af2/paul-reiser-7549_fall_if-a-tree-falls-on-your-head-in-a-forest_2053584.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af2/paul-reiser-7549_fall_if-a-tree-falls-on-your-head-in-a-forest_2053584.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If a tree falls on your head in a forest and no one hears it, it still hurts.” — Paul Reiser", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Paul Reiser" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/the-jewel-in-the-baby-product-crown-is-the-stroller-and-if-in-america/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/781/paul-reiser-7549_america_the-jewel-in-the-baby-product-crown-is-t_3207279.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/781/paul-reiser-7549_america_the-jewel-in-the-baby-product-crown-is-t_3207279.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/781/paul-reiser-7549_america_the-jewel-in-the-baby-product-crown-is-t_3207279.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. 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But I couldn't write a space movie if you put a gun to my head.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Paul Reiser" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/i-m-not-smart-enough-to-write-about-something-that-didn-t-actually/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ee7/paul-reiser-7549_enough_i-m-not-smart-enough-to-write-about-some_930491.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ee7/paul-reiser-7549_enough_i-m-not-smart-enough-to-write-about-some_930491.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ee7/paul-reiser-7549_enough_i-m-not-smart-enough-to-write-about-some_930491.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I'm not smart enough to write about something that didn't actually happen to me. 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I think it's a search for clarity, but she uses different words.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Paul Reiser" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/my-wife-would-say-my-worst-habit-is-that-i-m-not-good-at-dropping/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f4/paul-reiser-7549_bother_my-wife-would-say-my-worst-habit-is-that_880867.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f4/paul-reiser-7549_bother_my-wife-would-say-my-worst-habit-is-that_880867.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f4/paul-reiser-7549_bother_my-wife-would-say-my-worst-habit-is-that_880867.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My wife would say my worst habit is that I'm not good at dropping subjects. If something bothers me, I'll…” — Paul Reiser", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Just because a baby cries, I discovered, doesn't mean there's always something wrong. Sometimes babies wake up for no real reason. They just want to check if they're doing it right. \"This is Sleeping, right?\" \"Exactly.\" \"I just lie here?\" \"That's right.\" \"Okay.\" Then back to sleep they go.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Paul Reiser" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/just-because-a-baby-cries-i-discovered-doesn-t-mean-there-s-always/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbd/paul-reiser-7549_babies_just-because-a-baby-cries-i-discovered-d_3193769.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbd/paul-reiser-7549_babies_just-because-a-baby-cries-i-discovered-d_3193769.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbd/paul-reiser-7549_babies_just-because-a-baby-cries-i-discovered-d_3193769.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Just because a baby cries, I discovered, doesn't mean there's always something wrong. Sometimes babies wake…” — Paul Reiser", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 6, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Why do you think people close their eyes when they kiss? Think about it. In the real world, if you saw someone an-inch-and-a-half away, coming at you with their eyes open and their lips puckered, you'd scream. It's alarming.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Paul Reiser" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/why-do-you-think-people-close-their-eyes-when-they-kiss-think-about/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d9/paul-reiser-7549_eye_why-do-you-think-people-close-their-eyes_956833.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d9/paul-reiser-7549_eye_why-do-you-think-people-close-their-eyes_956833.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d9/paul-reiser-7549_eye_why-do-you-think-people-close-their-eyes_956833.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Why do you think people close their eyes when they kiss? Think about it. In the real world, if you saw…” — Paul Reiser", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "My wife and I never agree on the dishtowels. It's a matter of terms. She asks me not to put the dishtowel in the sink. So I drape it over the sink, but not in the sink. If that's our biggest problem, I think we're in good shape.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Paul Reiser" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/my-wife-and-i-never-agree-on-the-dishtowels-it-s-a-matter-of-terms/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6e5/paul-reiser-7549_agree_my-wife-and-i-never-agree-on-the-dishtow_2302328.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6e5/paul-reiser-7549_agree_my-wife-and-i-never-agree-on-the-dishtow_2302328.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6e5/paul-reiser-7549_agree_my-wife-and-i-never-agree-on-the-dishtow_2302328.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My wife and I never agree on the dishtowels. It's a matter of terms. She asks me not to put the dishtowel in…” — Paul Reiser", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "It was trying to make my tennis game look mildly respectable, which I found you don't even really need to practice if you have a really good editor. They can edit it and you're like, \"Hey, it looks like I'm playing really well.\" That was the fun part, but it was like going to summer camp.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Paul Reiser" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/it-was-trying-to-make-my-tennis-game-look-mildly-respectable-which-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ae/paul-reiser-7549_camps_it-was-trying-to-make-my-tennis-game-loo_762086.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ae/paul-reiser-7549_camps_it-was-trying-to-make-my-tennis-game-loo_762086.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ae/paul-reiser-7549_camps_it-was-trying-to-make-my-tennis-game-loo_762086.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“It was trying to make my tennis game look mildly respectable, which I found you don't even really need to…” — Paul Reiser", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Over the years, there certainly have been plenty of ideas that I've had and given up on, but for this one, the only thing that was standing in its way was me doing it - I just had to write it... And then if it didn't happen, it didn't happen. But I didn't want it to be for lack of effort on my part, so I had hunch that it would be a good story and that we would work well together. And it certainly worked out that way.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Paul Reiser" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/over-the-years-there-certainly-have-been-plenty-of-ideas-that-i-ve/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c3c/paul-reiser-7549_effort_over-the-years-there-certainly-have-been_1705714.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c3c/paul-reiser-7549_effort_over-the-years-there-certainly-have-been_1705714.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c3c/paul-reiser-7549_effort_over-the-years-there-certainly-have-been_1705714.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Over the years, there certainly have been plenty of ideas that I've had and given up on, but for this one…” — Paul Reiser", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "From the minute we're born, boys and girls stare at each other, trying to figure out if they like what they see. Like parade lines, passing each other for mutual inspection. You march, you look. You march, you look. If you're interested, you stop and talk, and if it doesn't work out, you just get back in the parade. You keep marching, and you keep looking.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Paul Reiser" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/from-the-minute-we-re-born-boys-and-girls-stare-at-each-other-trying/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6cb/paul-reiser-7549_born_from-the-minute-we-re-born-boys-and-girl_2034399.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6cb/paul-reiser-7549_born_from-the-minute-we-re-born-boys-and-girl_2034399.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6cb/paul-reiser-7549_born_from-the-minute-we-re-born-boys-and-girl_2034399.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“From the minute we're born, boys and girls stare at each other, trying to figure out if they like what they…” — Paul Reiser", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "So where did these cravings come from? I concluded it's the baby ordering in. Prenatal takeout. Even without ever being in a restaurant, fetuses develop remarkably discerning palates, and they are not shy about demanding what they want. If they get a hankering, they just pick up the umbilical cord and call. 'You know what would taste good right now? A cheeseburger, large fries, and a vanilla shake. And if you could, hurry it up, because I'm supposed to grow a lung in a half hour.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Paul Reiser" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-reiser/so-where-did-these-cravings-come-from-i-concluded-it-s-the-baby/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0de/paul-reiser-7549_baby_so-where-did-these-cravings-come-from-i_725264.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0de/paul-reiser-7549_baby_so-where-did-these-cravings-come-from-i_725264.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0de/paul-reiser-7549_baby_so-where-did-these-cravings-come-from-i_725264.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“So where did these cravings come from? I concluded it's the baby ordering in. Prenatal takeout. 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