--- title: "17 Ifs Quotes By Ogden Nash" description: "17 Ifs quotes by Ogden Nash. Plus more from Ogden Nash and more Ifs sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/578/ogden-nash-1286_bacon_the-pig-if-i-am-not-mistaken-supplies-us_1124774.png" --- > [The Pig, if I am not mistaken, Supplies us sausage, ham, and Bacon. Let others say his heart is big, I think…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/the-pig-if-i-am-not-mistaken-supplies-us-sausage-ham-and-bacon-let/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/578/ogden-nash-1286_bacon_the-pig-if-i-am-not-mistaken-supplies-us_1124774.png) > [A lady wants to be dressed exactly like everybody else but she gets pretty up- set if she sees anybody else dressed…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/a-lady-wants-to-be-dressed-exactly-like-everybody-else-but-she-gets/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/87d/ogden-nash-1286_dressed_a-lady-wants-to-be-dressed-exactly-like_1545690.png) > [You can take it as understood, That your luck changes only if it's good.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/you-can-take-it-as-understood-that-your-luck-changes-only-if-it-s-good/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e34/ogden-nash-1286_change_you-can-take-it-as-understood-that-your_1739341.png) > [If you are really Master of your Fate, it shouldn't make any difference to you whether Cleopatra or the Bearded Lady is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/if-you-are-really-master-of-your-fate-it-shouldn-t-make-any/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbf/ogden-nash-1286_cleopatra_if-you-are-really-master-of-your-fate-it_1371609.png) > [Dogs display reluctance and wrath If you try to give them a bath. They bury bones in hideaways And half the time…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/dogs-display-reluctance-and-wrath-if-you-try-to-give-them-a-bath-they/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/06c/ogden-nash-1286_animal_dogs-display-reluctance-and-wrath-if-you_512478.png) > [One would be in less danger From the wiles of the stranger If one's own kin and kith Were more fun to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/one-would-be-in-less-danger-from-the-wiles-of-the-stranger-if-one-s/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b24/ogden-nash-1286_danger_one-would-be-in-less-danger-from-the-wil_3200148.png) > [Maybe I couldn't be dafter, But I keep wondering if this time we settle our differences before a war instead of after.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/maybe-i-couldn-t-be-dafter-but-i-keep-wondering-if-this-time-we/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0fd/ogden-nash-1286_differences_maybe-i-couldn-t-be-dafter-but-i-keep-wo_382984.png) > [I drink because she nags, she said I nag because he drinks. But if the truth be known to you, He's a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/i-drink-because-she-nags-she-said-i-nag-because-he-drinks-but-if-the/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/08b/ogden-nash-1286_drink_i-drink-because-she-nags-she-said-i-nag_2257789.png) > [The doctor gets you when you're born, The preacher, when you marry, And the lawyer lurks with costly clerks If too much…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/the-doctor-gets-you-when-you-re-born-the-preacher-when-you-marry-and/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/42a/ogden-nash-1286_born_the-doctor-gets-you-when-you-re-born-the_2227506.png) > [The only incurable troubles of the rich are the troubles that money can't cure, Which is a kind of trouble that is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/the-only-incurable-troubles-of-the-rich-are-the-troubles-that-money/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4b0/ogden-nash-1286_adversity_the-only-incurable-troubles-of-the-rich_1720588.png) > [So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and combat Over everything debatable and combatable Because I believe a little…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/so-i-hope-husbands-and-wives-will-continue-to-debate-and-combat-over/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af0/ogden-nash-1286_believe_so-i-hope-husbands-and-wives-will-contin_2364080.jpg) > [The moral is that it is probably better not to sin at all, but if some kind of sin you must be…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/the-moral-is-that-it-is-probably-better-not-to-sin-at-all-but-if-some/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a4c/ogden-nash-1286_character_the-moral-is-that-it-is-probably-better_992883.jpg) > [There is one fault that I must find With the twentieth century. And I'll put it in a couple of words; Too…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/there-is-one-fault-that-i-must-find-with-the-twentieth-century-and-i/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3a2/ogden-nash-1286_century_there-is-one-fault-that-i-must-find-with_2327385.png) > [A bird in the open never looks Like its picture in the birdie books - Or if it once did, it has…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/a-bird-in-the-open-never-looks-like-its-picture-in-the-birdie-books/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fcf/ogden-nash-1286_bird_a-bird-in-the-open-never-looks-like-its_1553312.png) > [The oboe's a horn made of wood. I'd play you a tune if I could, But the reeds are a pain, And…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/the-oboe-s-a-horn-made-of-wood-i-d-play-you-a-tune-if-i-could-but-the/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/890/ogden-nash-1286_blow_the-oboe-s-a-horn-made-of-wood-i-d-play_284451.png) > [The more you earn, the less you keep, And now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/the-more-you-earn-the-less-you-keep-and-now-i-lay-me-down-to-sleep-i/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aab/ogden-nash-1286_abracadabra_the-more-you-earn-the-less-you-keep-and_804683.png) > [Abracadabra, thus we learn The more you create, the less you earn. The less you earn, the more you're given, The less…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/abracadabra-thus-we-learn-the-more-you-create-the-less-you-earn-the/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f44/ogden-nash-1286_abracadabra_abracadabra-thus-we-learn-the-more-you-c_3011868.jpg) ## Other authors on Ifs ## More by Ogden Nash > [There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/there-is-only-one-way-to-achieve-happiness-on-this-terrestrial-ball/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) > [The sky is now indelible ink, The branches reft asunder; But you and I we do not shrink; We love the lovely thunder.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/the-sky-is-now-indelible-ink-the-branches-reft-asunder-but-you-and-i/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) > [Middle-aged life is merry, and I love to lead it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/middle-aged-life-is-merry-and-i-love-to-lead-it/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) > [When a lady's erotic life is vexed God knows what God is coming next.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/when-a-lady-s-erotic-life-is-vexed-god-knows-what-god-is-coming-next/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) > [“Love is a word that is constantly heard, Hate is a word that is not. Love, I am told, is more precious that gold.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/love-is-a-word-that-is-constantly-heard-hate-is-a-word-that-is-not/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) > [A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/a-husband-is-a-guy-who-tells-you-when-you-ve-got-on-too-much-lipstick/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) > [Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/marriage-is-the-alliance-of-two-people-one-of-whom-never-remembers/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) > [I claim there ain't Another Saint As great as Valentine.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/i-claim-there-ain-t-another-saint-as-great-as-valentine/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) > [“Senescence begins And middle-age ends The day your descendants Outnumber your friends”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/senescence-begins-and-middle-age-ends-the-day-your-descendants/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) > [Poets arent very usefulBecause they aren't consumeful or produceful..](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/poets-arent-very-usefulbecause-they-aren-t-consumeful-or-produceful/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) > [I don't mind their having a lot of money, and I don't care how they employ it, but I do think that they damn…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/i-don-t-mind-their-having-a-lot-of-money-and-i-don-t-care-how-they/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) > [To maintain your marriage brimming, with really like in the wedding cup, anytime you are incorrect, admit it each time you're proper, shut up.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/to-maintain-your-marriage-brimming-with-really-like-in-the-wedding/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) > [No, you never get any fun Out of the things you haven't done.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/no-you-never-get-any-fun-out-of-the-things-you-haven-t-done/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) > [“Which the Chicken and Which the Egg? He drinks because she scolds, he thinks; She thinks she scolds because he drinks; And nether will…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/which-the-chicken-and-which-the-egg-he-drinks-because-she-scolds-he/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) > [“People can't concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/people-can-t-concentrate-properly-on-blowing-other-people-to-pieces/) [Ogden Nash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ogden-nash/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/ogden-nash/#itemlist", "name": "17 Ifs Quotes By Ogden Nash", "numberOfItems": 17, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The Pig, if I am not mistaken, Supplies us sausage, ham, and Bacon. 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But if the truth be known to you, He's a lush and she's a shrew.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Ogden Nash" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/i-drink-because-she-nags-she-said-i-nag-because-he-drinks-but-if-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/08b/ogden-nash-1286_drink_i-drink-because-she-nags-she-said-i-nag_2257789.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/08b/ogden-nash-1286_drink_i-drink-because-she-nags-she-said-i-nag_2257789.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/08b/ogden-nash-1286_drink_i-drink-because-she-nags-she-said-i-nag_2257789.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I drink because she nags, she said I nag because he drinks. But if the truth be known to you, He's a lush…” — Ogden Nash", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The doctor gets you when you're born, The preacher, when you marry, And the lawyer lurks with costly clerks If too much on you carry. Professional men, they have no cares; Whatever happens, they get theirs.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Ogden Nash" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/the-doctor-gets-you-when-you-re-born-the-preacher-when-you-marry-and/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/42a/ogden-nash-1286_born_the-doctor-gets-you-when-you-re-born-the_2227506.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/42a/ogden-nash-1286_born_the-doctor-gets-you-when-you-re-born-the_2227506.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/42a/ogden-nash-1286_born_the-doctor-gets-you-when-you-re-born-the_2227506.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The doctor gets you when you're born, The preacher, when you marry, And the lawyer lurks with costly clerks…” — Ogden Nash", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The only incurable troubles of the rich are the troubles that money can't cure, Which is a kind of trouble that is even more troublesome if you are poor.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Ogden Nash" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/the-only-incurable-troubles-of-the-rich-are-the-troubles-that-money/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4b0/ogden-nash-1286_adversity_the-only-incurable-troubles-of-the-rich_1720588.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4b0/ogden-nash-1286_adversity_the-only-incurable-troubles-of-the-rich_1720588.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4b0/ogden-nash-1286_adversity_the-only-incurable-troubles-of-the-rich_1720588.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The only incurable troubles of the rich are the troubles that money can't cure, Which is a kind of trouble…” — Ogden Nash", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and combat Over everything debatable and combatable Because I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life Particularly if he has income and she is pattable.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Ogden Nash" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/so-i-hope-husbands-and-wives-will-continue-to-debate-and-combat-over/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af0/ogden-nash-1286_believe_so-i-hope-husbands-and-wives-will-contin_2364080.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af0/ogden-nash-1286_believe_so-i-hope-husbands-and-wives-will-contin_2364080.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af0/ogden-nash-1286_believe_so-i-hope-husbands-and-wives-will-contin_2364080.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and combat Over everything debatable and combatable…” — Ogden Nash", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The moral is that it is probably better not to sin at all, but if some kind of sin you must be pursuing, Well, remember to do it by doing rather than by not doing.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Ogden Nash" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/the-moral-is-that-it-is-probably-better-not-to-sin-at-all-but-if-some/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a4c/ogden-nash-1286_character_the-moral-is-that-it-is-probably-better_992883.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a4c/ogden-nash-1286_character_the-moral-is-that-it-is-probably-better_992883.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a4c/ogden-nash-1286_character_the-moral-is-that-it-is-probably-better_992883.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The moral is that it is probably better not to sin at all, but if some kind of sin you must be pursuing…” — Ogden Nash", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "There is one fault that I must find With the twentieth century. And I'll put it in a couple of words; Too adventury. What I'd like would be some nice dull monotony If anyone's gotony.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Ogden Nash" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/there-is-one-fault-that-i-must-find-with-the-twentieth-century-and-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3a2/ogden-nash-1286_century_there-is-one-fault-that-i-must-find-with_2327385.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3a2/ogden-nash-1286_century_there-is-one-fault-that-i-must-find-with_2327385.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3a2/ogden-nash-1286_century_there-is-one-fault-that-i-must-find-with_2327385.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“There is one fault that I must find With the twentieth century. And I'll put it in a couple of words; Too…” — Ogden Nash", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "A bird in the open never looks Like its picture in the birdie books - Or if it once did, it has changed its plumage, And plunges you back into ignorant gloomage.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Ogden Nash" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/a-bird-in-the-open-never-looks-like-its-picture-in-the-birdie-books/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fcf/ogden-nash-1286_bird_a-bird-in-the-open-never-looks-like-its_1553312.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fcf/ogden-nash-1286_bird_a-bird-in-the-open-never-looks-like-its_1553312.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fcf/ogden-nash-1286_bird_a-bird-in-the-open-never-looks-like-its_1553312.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“A bird in the open never looks Like its picture in the birdie books - Or if it once did, it has changed its…” — Ogden Nash", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The oboe's a horn made of wood. I'd play you a tune if I could, But the reeds are a pain, And the fingering's insane. It's the ill wind that no one blows good.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Ogden Nash" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/the-oboe-s-a-horn-made-of-wood-i-d-play-you-a-tune-if-i-could-but-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/890/ogden-nash-1286_blow_the-oboe-s-a-horn-made-of-wood-i-d-play_284451.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/890/ogden-nash-1286_blow_the-oboe-s-a-horn-made-of-wood-i-d-play_284451.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/890/ogden-nash-1286_blow_the-oboe-s-a-horn-made-of-wood-i-d-play_284451.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The oboe's a horn made of wood. 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I pray the Lord my soul to take, If the tax-collector hasn't got it before I wake.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Ogden Nash" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ogden-nash/the-more-you-earn-the-less-you-keep-and-now-i-lay-me-down-to-sleep-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aab/ogden-nash-1286_abracadabra_the-more-you-earn-the-less-you-keep-and_804683.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aab/ogden-nash-1286_abracadabra_the-more-you-earn-the-less-you-keep-and_804683.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aab/ogden-nash-1286_abracadabra_the-more-you-earn-the-less-you-keep-and_804683.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The more you earn, the less you keep, And now I lay me down to sleep. 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