--- title: "13 Ifs Quotes By Norm MacDonald" description: "13 Ifs quotes by Norm MacDonald. Plus more from Norm MacDonald and more Ifs sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c90/norm-macdonald-1825_desire_if-you-desire-praise-or-esteem-endeavor_2402836.png" --- > [If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/if-you-desire-praise-or-esteem-endeavor-to-merit-it/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c90/norm-macdonald-1825_desire_if-you-desire-praise-or-esteem-endeavor_2402836.png) > [This would have been a great game to watch if we didn't have any money on it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/this-would-have-been-a-great-game-to-watch-if-we-didn-t-have-any/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4fb/norm-macdonald-1825_gambling_this-would-have-been-a-great-game-to-wat_1995124.png) > [If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/if-you-re-looking-for-the-suspect-in-a-suicide-bombing-here-s-a-clue/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/019/norm-macdonald-1825_bombing_if-you-re-looking-for-the-suspect-in-a-s_2962989.png) > [If you cannot patiently bear correction, endeavor to avoid fault.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/if-you-cannot-patiently-bear-correction-endeavor-to-avoid-fault/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d2c/norm-macdonald-1825_bears_if-you-cannot-patiently-bear-correction_2302435.png) > [A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/a-great-cause-of-evil-in-the-world-is-that-men-seldom-think/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1d4/norm-macdonald-1825_causes_a-great-cause-of-evil-in-the-world-is-th_637008.png) > [If you watch that show and you didn't know it was called Seinfeld, you'd think it was called 'The George Costanza Show'.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/if-you-watch-that-show-and-you-didn-t-know-it-was-called-seinfeld-you/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/997/norm-macdonald-1825_ifs_if-you-watch-that-show-and-you-didn-t-kn_505138.png) > [ If it wasn't so pointless and ridiculous, it would be more humiliating. Also, if there \[Hollywood\] weren't so many people as bad… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/if-it-wasn-t-so-pointless-and-ridiculous-it-would-be-more-humiliating/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/183/norm-macdonald-1825_hollywood_if-it-wasn-t-so-pointless-and-ridiculous_393231.png) > [They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/they-say-that-if-you-re-afraid-of-homosexuals-it-means-that-deep-down/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/307/norm-macdonald-1825_afraid_they-say-that-if-you-re-afraid-of-homose_2973228.png) > [Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/though-we-may-not-desire-to-detect-fraud-we-must-not-on-that-account/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c34/norm-macdonald-1825_accounts_though-we-may-not-desire-to-detect-fraud_803461.png) > [I tried to make the punchline as close to the setup as I could. And I thought that was the perfect thing.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/i-tried-to-make-the-punchline-as-close-to-the-setup-as-i-could-and-i/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/624/norm-macdonald-1825_comedy_i-tried-to-make-the-punchline-as-close-t_1881238.png) > [I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh!…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/i-was-in-my-peak-physical-condition-when-i-was-about-like-uh-one-oh/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/742/norm-macdonald-1825_age_i-was-in-my-peak-physical-condition-when_262253.jpg) > [I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.' I don't own anything very valuable. If I buy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/i-want-you-to-buy-this-pit-bull-this-will-protect-your-valuables-i/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/193/norm-macdonald-1825_bulls_i-want-you-to-buy-this-pit-bull-this-wil_639716.jpg) > [It's tough to know who's better in cliff diving. Like, you see a guy diving off a cliff and you go, Oh,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/it-s-tough-to-know-who-s-better-in-cliff-diving-like-you-see-a-guy/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/63f/norm-macdonald-1825_champion_it-s-tough-to-know-who-s-better-in-cliff_2155792.png) ## Other authors on Ifs ## More by Norm MacDonald > [In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/in-estimating-the-adversities-of-life-we-would-seldom-have-much/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) > [Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/chastity-is-oftener-owing-to-diffidence-and-shame-than-to-fortitude/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) > [The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/the-first-principle-of-solid-wisdom-is-discretion-without-it-all-the/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) > [I'd say Jon Stewart has remained funny the entire time. Jon always makes it funny first. And he's just, he's talking about serious things,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/i-d-say-jon-stewart-has-remained-funny-the-entire-time-jon-always/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) > [Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/liberty-like-health-appears-most-precious-when-lost/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) > [In theatres, you're kind of disconnected. Also, it's way too big for the likes of me. Unless you're Robin Williams or someone that can…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/in-theatres-you-re-kind-of-disconnected-also-it-s-way-too-big-for-the/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) > [After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/after-months-of-speculation-the-sitcom-star-ellen-degeneres-admitted/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) > [So much in L.A. is waiting. It's so irritating. That's what's good about stand-up. You can go away, and you don't have to sit…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/so-much-in-l-a-is-waiting-it-s-so-irritating-that-s-what-s-good-about/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) > [You ever hear guys with small cocks talk about sex? Can't talk about it enough. They even got poems. They'll say, 'It's not the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/you-ever-hear-guys-with-small-cocks-talk-about-sex-can-t-talk-about/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) > [My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/my-dad-died-and-my-grandfather-died-and-my-great-grandfather-died-and/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) > [ Louis \[C.K.\] is great. But I don't know how many you could do. ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/louis-c-k-is-great-but-i-don-t-know-how-many-you-could-do/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) > [I don't have any ego about it, but I find there's not a great work ethic in show business. A lot of people are…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/i-don-t-have-any-ego-about-it-but-i-find-there-s-not-a-great-work/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) > [Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/many-people-are-skeptical-about-marriage-of-michael-jackson-and-lisa/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) > [Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/back-in-the-old-days-a-man-could-just-get-sick-and-die-now-they-have/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) > [The man that does not fear punishment, little regards crime.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/the-man-that-does-not-fear-punishment-little-regards-crime/) [Norm MacDonald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/norm-macdonald/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/norm-macdonald/#itemlist", "name": "13 Ifs Quotes By Norm MacDonald", "numberOfItems": 13, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Norm MacDonald" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/if-you-desire-praise-or-esteem-endeavor-to-merit-it/", "image": { 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that show and you didn't know it was called Seinfeld, you'd think it was called 'The George Costanza Show'.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Norm MacDonald" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/if-you-watch-that-show-and-you-didn-t-know-it-was-called-seinfeld-you/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/997/norm-macdonald-1825_ifs_if-you-watch-that-show-and-you-didn-t-kn_505138.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/997/norm-macdonald-1825_ifs_if-you-watch-that-show-and-you-didn-t-kn_505138.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/997/norm-macdonald-1825_ifs_if-you-watch-that-show-and-you-didn-t-kn_505138.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you watch that show and you didn't know it was called Seinfeld, you'd think it was called 'The George…” — Norm MacDonald", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If it wasn't so pointless and ridiculous, it would be more humiliating. Also, if there [Hollywood] weren't so many people as bad as myself - equally untalented people - it would be even more humiliating.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Norm MacDonald" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/if-it-wasn-t-so-pointless-and-ridiculous-it-would-be-more-humiliating/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/183/norm-macdonald-1825_hollywood_if-it-wasn-t-so-pointless-and-ridiculous_393231.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/183/norm-macdonald-1825_hollywood_if-it-wasn-t-so-pointless-and-ridiculous_393231.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/183/norm-macdonald-1825_hollywood_if-it-wasn-t-so-pointless-and-ridiculous_393231.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If it wasn't so pointless and ridiculous, it would be more humiliating. Also, if there [Hollywood] weren't…” — Norm MacDonald", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Norm MacDonald" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/they-say-that-if-you-re-afraid-of-homosexuals-it-means-that-deep-down/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/307/norm-macdonald-1825_afraid_they-say-that-if-you-re-afraid-of-homose_2973228.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/307/norm-macdonald-1825_afraid_they-say-that-if-you-re-afraid-of-homose_2973228.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/307/norm-macdonald-1825_afraid_they-say-that-if-you-re-afraid-of-homose_2973228.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual…” — Norm MacDonald", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Norm MacDonald" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/though-we-may-not-desire-to-detect-fraud-we-must-not-on-that-account/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c34/norm-macdonald-1825_accounts_though-we-may-not-desire-to-detect-fraud_803461.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c34/norm-macdonald-1825_accounts_though-we-may-not-desire-to-detect-fraud_803461.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c34/norm-macdonald-1825_accounts_though-we-may-not-desire-to-detect-fraud_803461.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it…” — Norm MacDonald", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I tried to make the punchline as close to the setup as I could. And I thought that was the perfect thing. If I could make the setup and the punchline identical to each other, I would create a different kind of joke.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Norm MacDonald" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/i-tried-to-make-the-punchline-as-close-to-the-setup-as-i-could-and-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/624/norm-macdonald-1825_comedy_i-tried-to-make-the-punchline-as-close-t_1881238.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/624/norm-macdonald-1825_comedy_i-tried-to-make-the-punchline-as-close-t_1881238.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/624/norm-macdonald-1825_comedy_i-tried-to-make-the-punchline-as-close-t_1881238.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I tried to make the punchline as close to the setup as I could. And I thought that was the perfect thing. If…” — Norm MacDonald", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, what are you, zero? And I'd go, no, I'm one over here!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Norm MacDonald" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/i-was-in-my-peak-physical-condition-when-i-was-about-like-uh-one-oh/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/742/norm-macdonald-1825_age_i-was-in-my-peak-physical-condition-when_262253.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/742/norm-macdonald-1825_age_i-was-in-my-peak-physical-condition-when_262253.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/742/norm-macdonald-1825_age_i-was-in-my-peak-physical-condition-when_262253.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and…” — Norm MacDonald", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.' I don't own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I'd have to buy something to protect it then.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Norm MacDonald" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/i-want-you-to-buy-this-pit-bull-this-will-protect-your-valuables-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/193/norm-macdonald-1825_bulls_i-want-you-to-buy-this-pit-bull-this-wil_639716.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/193/norm-macdonald-1825_bulls_i-want-you-to-buy-this-pit-bull-this-wil_639716.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/193/norm-macdonald-1825_bulls_i-want-you-to-buy-this-pit-bull-this-wil_639716.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.' I don't own anything very valuable. If I…” — Norm MacDonald", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "It's tough to know who's better in cliff diving. Like, you see a guy diving off a cliff and you go, Oh, man, a guy diving off a cliff! And then another guy'd dive- Oh, there's another guy diving off a cliff there. But you can't tell who's better, y'know? Like, uh- if you survive at all, hey, you're a great- you're a great cliff diver there. There's only two classifications in cliffdiving. There's, uh- 'Grand Champion' and then, uh- 'Stuff On a Rock.' Very hard to make a comeback in that sport, I'll tell you that.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Norm MacDonald" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/norm-macdonald/it-s-tough-to-know-who-s-better-in-cliff-diving-like-you-see-a-guy/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/63f/norm-macdonald-1825_champion_it-s-tough-to-know-who-s-better-in-cliff_2155792.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/63f/norm-macdonald-1825_champion_it-s-tough-to-know-who-s-better-in-cliff_2155792.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/63f/norm-macdonald-1825_champion_it-s-tough-to-know-who-s-better-in-cliff_2155792.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“It's tough to know who's better in cliff diving. 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