---
title: "74 Ifs Quotes By Mitch Hedberg"
description: "74 Ifs quotes by Mitch Hedberg. Plus more from Mitch Hedberg and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aa2/mitch-hedberg-695_boat_if-you-re-a-fish-and-you-want-to-be-a-fi_1828069.png"
---

> [If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/if-you-re-a-fish-and-you-want-to-be-a-fish-stick-you-have-to-have/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aa2/mitch-hedberg-695_boat_if-you-re-a-fish-and-you-want-to-be-a-fi_1828069.png)

> [If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/if-you-can-t-sleep-count-sheep-don-t-count-endangered-animals-you/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8b0/mitch-hedberg-695_animal_if-you-can-t-sleep-count-sheep-don-t-cou_1245324.png)

> [I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-got-a-king-sized-bed-i-don-t-know-any-kings-but-if-one-came-over-i/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/500/mitch-hedberg-695_bed_i-got-a-king-sized-bed-i-don-t-know-any_773479.png)

> [If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/if-you-want-to-talk-to-me-after-the-show-i-d-be-surprised/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/265/mitch-hedberg-695_funny_if-you-want-to-talk-to-me-after-the-show_3185279.png)

> [P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/p-s-this-is-what-part-of-the-alphabet-would-look-like-if-q-and-r-were/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5f9/mitch-hedberg-695_alphabet_p-s-this-is-what-part-of-the-alphabet-wo_531945.png)

> [I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-rice-rice-is-great-if-you-re-hungry-and-want-2000-of-something-2/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/85f/mitch-hedberg-695_food_i-like-rice-rice-is-great-if-you-re-hung_2558969.png)

> [If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/if-you-find-yourself-lost-in-the-woods-build-a-house-well-i-was-lost/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/372/mitch-hedberg-695_finding-yourself_if-you-find-yourself-lost-in-the-woods-b_457575.png)

> [I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-had-my-palm-read-i-wrote-something-on-it-first-to-see-if-she-would/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/860/mitch-hedberg-695_books_i-had-my-palm-read-i-wrote-something-on_986736.png)

> [That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/that-would-be-cool-if-the-earth-s-crust-was-made-out-of-graham/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/096/mitch-hedberg-695_being-cool_that-would-be-cool-if-the-earth-s-crust_157879.png)

> [I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-got-an-ant-farm-them-fellas-didn-t-grow-anything-hey-how-about-some/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8c0/mitch-hedberg-695_ants_i-got-an-ant-farm-them-fellas-didn-t-gro_3171421.png)

> [I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-own-a-cell-phone-or-a-pager-i-just-hang-around-everyone-i/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/808/mitch-hedberg-695_cell-phone_i-don-t-own-a-cell-phone-or-a-pager-i-ju_1779517.png)

> [If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/if-spiderman-was-real-and-i-was-a-criminal-and-he-shot-me-with-his/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c66/mitch-hedberg-695_criminals_if-spiderman-was-real-and-i-was-a-crimin_3079481.png)

> [If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/if-i-was-a-locksmith-i-d-be-pimping-that-out-man-i-ll-trade-you-a/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cec/mitch-hedberg-695_comedy_if-i-was-a-locksmith-i-d-be-pimping-that_957682.png)

> [When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/when-it-comes-to-racism-you-hear-people-say-i-don-t-care-if-people/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/810/mitch-hedberg-695_black_when-it-comes-to-racism-you-hear-people_1871286.jpg)

> [So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/so-i-sit-at-the-hotel-at-night-and-i-think-of-something-that-s-funny/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/485/mitch-hedberg-695_convince_so-i-sit-at-the-hotel-at-night-and-i-thi_2660953.jpg)

> [I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-got-a-business-card-because-i-wanna-win-some-lunches-that-s-what-my/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/744/mitch-hedberg-695_business_i-got-a-business-card-because-i-wanna-wi_237926.png)

> [That's always disappointed me, to see a guy in the crowd who doesn't look like he's having fun but in general if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/that-s-always-disappointed-me-to-see-a-guy-in-the-crowd-who-doesn-t/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cb5/mitch-hedberg-695_closing_that-s-always-disappointed-me-to-see-a-g_1730856.png)

> [When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you're a stand-up comedian, can…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/when-you-re-in-hollywood-and-you-re-a-comedian-everybody-wants-you-to/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f96/mitch-hedberg-695_comedian_when-you-re-in-hollywood-and-you-re-a-co_1126705.png)

> [I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-thought-i-d-go-to-a-craft-fair-and-there-would-be-a-jar-of/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/706/mitch-hedberg-695_crafts_i-thought-i-d-go-to-a-craft-fair-and-the_3197998.png)

> [I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-was-on-a-bus-once-it-was-in-the-middle-of-the-night-and-i-had-a-box/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fd6/mitch-hedberg-695_boxes_i-was-on-a-bus-once-it-was-in-the-middle_2864792.jpg)

> [You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/you-know-when-you-see-an-advertisement-for-a-casino-and-they-have-a/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c0/mitch-hedberg-695_advertisements_you-know-when-you-see-an-advertisement-f_2783166.png)

> [I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-wear-a-watch-because-i-want-my-arms-to-weigh-the-same-so-if/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3a8/mitch-hedberg-695_arms_i-don-t-wear-a-watch-because-i-want-my-a_768.png)

> [That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/that-would-be-cool-if-you-could-eat-a-good-food-with-a-bad-food-and/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f2c/mitch-hedberg-695_bad-food_that-would-be-cool-if-you-could-eat-a-go_2975860.png)

> [I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . .…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-think-a-rotisserie-is-like-a-really-morbid-ferris-wheel-for/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bfe/mitch-hedberg-695_chickens_i-think-a-rotisserie-is-like-a-really-mo_740238.png)

> [You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/you-know-when-you-go-into-a-restaurant-and-it-gets-busy-and-they/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/689/mitch-hedberg-695_answers_you-know-when-you-go-into-a-restaurant-a_1199522.png)

> [I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-england-to-tell-jokes-and-i-wanted-to-tell-my-smokey-the/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8bd/mitch-hedberg-695_asks_i-went-to-england-to-tell-jokes-and-i-wa_1568042.png)

> [I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-have-a-girlfriend-i-just-know-a-girl-who-would-get-really-mad/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de0/mitch-hedberg-695_date_i-don-t-have-a-girlfriend-i-just-know-a_1711853.png)

> [If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/if-you-are-flammable-and-have-legs-you-are-not-blocking-a-fire-exit/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4a6/mitch-hedberg-695_block_if-you-are-flammable-and-have-legs-you-a_690982.png)

> [I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-would-like-it-if-four-people-did-a-cartwheel-all-at-once-so-i-can/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/21a/mitch-hedberg-695_cart_i-would-like-it-if-four-people-did-a-car_1023308.png)

> [If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/if-you-have-to-release-bad-news-to-the-public-it-would-help-if-you/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9bf/mitch-hedberg-695_bad-news_if-you-have-to-release-bad-news-to-the-p_386647.png)

> [If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/if-you-drink-o-douls-you-don-t-drink-but-if-you-drink-20-o-douls-in-a/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b8b/mitch-hedberg-695_alcoholics_if-you-drink-o-douls-you-don-t-drink-but_913654.png)

> [Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/cavities-are-made-by-sugar-so-if-you-need-to-dig-a-hole-then-lay-down/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b88/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_cavities-are-made-by-sugar-so-if-you-nee_3021324.png)

> [Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/yeah-i-m-not-into-sports-if-someone-told-me-i-had-athlete-s-foot-i-d/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/712/mitch-hedberg-695_athlete_yeah-i-m-not-into-sports-if-someone-told_2620591.png)

> [I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-am-wearing-a-vest-if-i-had-no-arms-it-would-be-a-jacket/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/24e/mitch-hedberg-695_arms_i-am-wearing-a-vest-if-i-had-no-arms-it_1602590.png)

> [If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/if-i-had-a-dollar-for-every-time-i-said-that-i-d-be-making-money-in-a/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/feb/mitch-hedberg-695_dollar_if-i-had-a-dollar-for-every-time-i-said_1971923.png)

> [If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/if-13-is-unlucky-then-12-and-14-are-guilty-by-association/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2c8/mitch-hedberg-695_association_if-13-is-unlucky-then-12-and-14-are-guil_1042592.png)

> [I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-have-a-friend-who-is-a-juggler-if-i-m-at-his-house-i-don-t-like-to/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fd8/mitch-hedberg-695_apples_i-have-a-friend-who-is-a-juggler-if-i-m_19829.png)

> [At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/at-my-hotel-room-my-friend-came-over-and-asked-to-use-the-phone-i/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fe1/mitch-hedberg-695_five_at-my-hotel-room-my-friend-came-over-and_657817.jpg)

> [I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-have-any-children-but-if-i-had-a-baby-i-would-have-to-name-it/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/017/mitch-hedberg-695_baby_i-don-t-have-any-children-but-if-i-had-a_345193.png)

> [I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! "Is that all…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-ve-never-stayed-at-a-bed-and-breakfast-if-i-did-i-figure-you-would/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/71c/mitch-hedberg-695_bed_i-ve-never-stayed-at-a-bed-and-breakfast_2232920.jpg)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by Mitch Hedberg

> [I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-wear-a-watch-because-i-want-my-arms-to-weigh-the-same-so-if/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/there-was-a-product-on-late-night-tv-that-you-could-attach-to-your/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/imagine-if-you-were-a-drummer-and-you-accidentally-picked-up-two/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-wearing-necklaces-because-it-lets-me-know-when-i-m-upside-down/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-sick-of-soup-of-the-day-man-it-s-time-we-make-a-decision-i-need/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-have-a-friend-who-is-a-juggler-if-i-m-at-his-house-i-don-t-like-to/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-get-the-regular-aids-test-anymore-i-get-the-roundabout-aids/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-know-how-to-fix-a-car-if-the-car-breaks-down-and-the-gas-tank/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-drank-some-boiling-water-because-i-wanted-to-whistle/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/what-s-a-sesame-seed-grow-into-i-don-t-know-we-never-give-them-a/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-an-ice-sculptor-last-night-i-made-a-cube/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-a-restaurant-with-my-friend-and-he-said-pass-the-salt-i/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-had-a-bag-of-fritos-they-were-texas-grilled-fritos-these-fritos-had/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-bought-a-house-it-s-a-two-bedroom-house-but-i-think-it-s-up-to-me/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/mr-pibb-is-a-poor-imitation-of-dr-pepper-dude-didn-t-even-get-his/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

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                        "text": "That's always disappointed me, to see a guy in the crowd who doesn't look like he's having fun but in general if you just listen to the crowd it sounds like they're having fun. So I don't want to focus on the one guy who's not having fun. And by closing my eyes and just listening, I can't hear that he's not laughing but I can see that he's not laughing.",
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                        "text": "I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - \"Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize\". Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.",
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                        "text": "I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.",
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                        "text": "You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. \"This is what happened once.\"",
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                        "text": "I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. \"What time is it, Mitch?\" \"Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger.\" \"Shi*, I had to be somewhere...\"",
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                        "text": "That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.",
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                        "text": "I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . . We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I’ll be damned if I’m not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort.",
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                        "text": "You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, \"DuFresnes, party of two.\" They say again, \"DuFresnes, party of two.\" But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, \"Bush, party of three.\" Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! \"Bush, search party of three!\" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes!",
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                        "text": "I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask the English people if they knew who Smokey the Bear is. But they don't. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. And that's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, \"Man, I better play dead!\"",
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                        "text": "I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.",
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                        "text": "If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.",
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                        "text": "I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.",
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                        "text": "If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.",
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