---
title: "13 Ifs Quotes By Mallory Ortberg"
description: "13 Ifs quotes by Mallory Ortberg. Plus more from Mallory Ortberg and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c4e/mallory-ortberg-7200_alternatives_there-are-alternatives-to-pregnancy-if-y_1245299.jpg"
---

> [There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/there-are-alternatives-to-pregnancy-if-you-want-another-child/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c4e/mallory-ortberg-7200_alternatives_there-are-alternatives-to-pregnancy-if-y_1245299.jpg)

> [If and when you do decide to share your experience with your husband, it should be because you feel ready to do…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/if-and-when-you-do-decide-to-share-your-experience-with-your-husband/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cbc/mallory-ortberg-7200_feels_if-and-when-you-do-decide-to-share-your_2222507.jpg)

> [A child is not a bargaining chip or a learning tool. Your focus, if you adopt a child of a different race,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/a-child-is-not-a-bargaining-chip-or-a-learning-tool-your-focus-if-you/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/06c/mallory-ortberg-7200_anti-racist_a-child-is-not-a-bargaining-chip-or-a-le_2677670.jpg)

> [The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/the-mere-idea-of-asking-a-family-member-if-they-intentionally-stopped/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a98/mallory-ortberg-7200_annuals_the-mere-idea-of-asking-a-family-member_355366.jpg)

> [If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is "don't go to potlucks," not "insist other people don't have them."](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/if-you-don-t-like-potlucks-the-solution-to-your-problem-is-don-t-go/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ff0/mallory-ortberg-7200_ifs_if-you-don-t-like-potlucks-the-solution_2416689.jpg)

> [If just one person touches you without your permission, stepping back and saying clearly, "Please don't touch me" should get them to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/if-just-one-person-touches-you-without-your-permission-stepping-back/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ebb/mallory-ortberg-7200_ifs_if-just-one-person-touches-you-without-y_1764625.jpg)

> [If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, "Hey,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/if-you-go-out-with-someone-and-decide-you-don-t-want-to-see-them/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5e8/mallory-ortberg-7200_courtesy_if-you-go-out-with-someone-and-decide-yo_1545494.jpg)

> [You are allowed to draw lines even if your feelings are irrational. Part of the marvelous business of being an adult human…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/you-are-allowed-to-draw-lines-even-if-your-feelings-are-irrational/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2c5/mallory-ortberg-7200_adults_you-are-allowed-to-draw-lines-even-if-yo_1532474.jpg)

> [If someone you know is diagnosed with cancer, give them a call or send them a letter to tell them how sorry…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/if-someone-you-know-is-diagnosed-with-cancer-give-them-a-call-or-send/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/582/mallory-ortberg-7200_cancer_if-someone-you-know-is-diagnosed-with-ca_722912.jpg)

> [If this is something you'd truly like to work on, not out of a sense of guilt but because you would enjoy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/if-this-is-something-you-d-truly-like-to-work-on-not-out-of-a-sense/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/386/mallory-ortberg-7200_amateur_if-this-is-something-you-d-truly-like-to_2967946.jpg)

> [As you feel increasingly comfortable around your friends, I think it's more than fine to share the basic details of your heroin…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/as-you-feel-increasingly-comfortable-around-your-friends-i-think-it-s/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/062/mallory-ortberg-7200_addiction_as-you-feel-increasingly-comfortable-aro_1220398.jpg)

> [If your wife briefly corrects someone with "Actually, I'm bisexual" during conversation, it hardly sounds like attempting to remain an object of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/if-your-wife-briefly-corrects-someone-with-actually-i-m-bisexual/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/23b/mallory-ortberg-7200_attempting_if-your-wife-briefly-corrects-someone-wi_699210.jpg)

> [If you get a dog, take care of your dog! You can just not have a dog if you don't feel like…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/if-you-get-a-dog-take-care-of-your-dog-you-can-just-not-have-a-dog-if/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b5/mallory-ortberg-7200_animal_if-you-get-a-dog-take-care-of-your-dog-y_115314.jpg)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by Mallory Ortberg

> [Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the same thing as hoping they die of kidney failure.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/not-wanting-to-give-everyone-in-your-life-one-of-your-kidneys-is-not/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

> [I agree that biphobia is real, but I think it's absolutely worth considering that someone who "despises" having sex with her husband - and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/i-agree-that-biphobia-is-real-but-i-think-it-s-absolutely-worth/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

> [If you get a dog, take care of your dog! You can just not have a dog if you don't feel like taking care…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/if-you-get-a-dog-take-care-of-your-dog-you-can-just-not-have-a-dog-if/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

> [It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/it-is-so-tempting-to-return-rudeness-with-rudeness/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

> [I think that it's a great idea to have honest conversations about children before getting married. I also think it's impossible to promise someone,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/i-think-that-it-s-a-great-idea-to-have-honest-conversations-about/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

> [Don't beat yourself up over what you dream about.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/don-t-beat-yourself-up-over-what-you-dream-about/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

> [One of the glorious things about being a person in the world is that you don't have to worry about whether or not someone…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/one-of-the-glorious-things-about-being-a-person-in-the-world-is-that/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

> [You need to be able to express your resentment and sense of loss in a way that doesn't damage your partner.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/you-need-to-be-able-to-express-your-resentment-and-sense-of-loss-in-a/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

> [Some people give gifts in order to bewilder, confuse, and manipulate their recipients.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/some-people-give-gifts-in-order-to-bewilder-confuse-and-manipulate/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

> [Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/unlike-celibacy-which-people-choose-asexuality-is-an-intrinsic-part/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

> [The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/the-mere-idea-of-asking-a-family-member-if-they-intentionally-stopped/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

> [You have a right to be treated professionally at work, and it's your supervisor's job to make sure all their employees can perform their…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/you-have-a-right-to-be-treated-professionally-at-work-and-it-s-your/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

> [We are all going to die, sometimes even in the middle of a lease.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/we-are-all-going-to-die-sometimes-even-in-the-middle-of-a-lease/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

> [o one is right when it comes to destination weddings. It’s a big ask, requesting people take time off work and fly off to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/o-one-is-right-when-it-comes-to-destination-weddings-it-s-a-big-ask/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

> [I love the art history ones because it's so little work for me. There's so many paintings that when I look at them, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mallory-ortberg/i-love-the-art-history-ones-because-it-s-so-little-work-for-me-there/)

[Mallory Ortberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mallory-ortberg/)

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                        "text": "If someone you know is diagnosed with cancer, give them a call or send them a letter to tell them how sorry you are and to let them know how much you care.",
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                        "text": "If this is something you'd truly like to work on, not out of a sense of guilt but because you would enjoy occasionally reciprocating, there are a wealth of resources out there for the enthusiastic amateur (you are far from the only would-be blow-jobber whose spirit is willing but gag reflex is weak). You have more options than \"no blow jobs, ever\" and \"regular whole-hog sessions to completion that result in vomiting.\"",
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                        "text": "As you feel increasingly comfortable around your friends, I think it's more than fine to share the basic details of your heroin addiction with them. If they seem receptive, you can feel free to talk about it in further detail; if they seem judgmental or uncomfortable, you can move on to other topics.",
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                        "text": "If your wife briefly corrects someone with \"Actually, I'm bisexual\" during conversation, it hardly sounds like attempting to remain an object of desire to me. If she went around saying, \"Actually, I'm still very interested in men, particularly you, you massive dose of sexual charisma,\" you might have a case.",
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                        "text": "If you get a dog, take care of your dog! You can just not have a dog if you don't feel like taking care of one, it's very easy to not have a dog.",
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