--- title: "30 Ifs Quotes By Lewis Black" description: "30 Ifs quotes by Lewis Black. Plus more from Lewis Black and more Ifs sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/271/lewis-black-1143_crap_well-first-of-all-i-d-just-like-to-say-t_179184.png" --- > [Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/well-first-of-all-i-d-just-like-to-say-that-2005-was-a-great-year-if/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/271/lewis-black-1143_crap_well-first-of-all-i-d-just-like-to-say-t_179184.png) > [If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/if-there-is-hell-it-was-modeled-after-junior-high-school/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/923/lewis-black-1143_hell_if-there-is-hell-it-was-modeled-after-ju_991385.png) > [It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/it-s-amazing-what-i-could-ve-written-in-my-life-if-i-had-realized/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/652/lewis-black-1143_ifs_it-s-amazing-what-i-could-ve-written-in_1088534.png) > [If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/if-you-are-an-adult-and-you-are-planning-to-dress-up-on-halloween-don/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/189/lewis-black-1143_adult_if-you-are-an-adult-and-you-are-planning_2390297.png) > [I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/i-feel-the-need-to-scream-and-even-if-the-scream-is-not-answered-i/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c09/lewis-black-1143_echoes_i-feel-the-need-to-scream-and-even-if-th_2826849.png) > [If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/if-i-wanted-to-be-bored-by-6-000-pages-of-unreadable-dreck-i-d-read/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f76/lewis-black-1143_bored_if-i-wanted-to-be-bored-by-6-000-pages-o_929163.png) > [ These people \[the Christians\] watched the Flintstones as if it were a documentary. ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/these-people-the-christians-watched-the-flintstones-as-if-it-were-a/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4a0/lewis-black-1143_christian_these-people-the-christians-watched-the_606874.png) > [If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/if-it-weren-t-for-my-horse-i-wouldn-t-have-spent-that-year-in-college/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0a4/lewis-black-1143_college_if-it-weren-t-for-my-horse-i-wouldn-t-ha_479581.png) > [Whenever someone says they believe the earth was created in 7 days, I grab a fossil and say, Fossil. And if they…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/whenever-someone-says-they-believe-the-earth-was-created-in-7-days-i/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/789/lewis-black-1143_believe_whenever-someone-says-they-believe-the-e_2166594.png) > [If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/if-you-want-to-get-an-audience-quiet-just-say-abortion-and-everybody/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9a2/lewis-black-1143_abortion_if-you-want-to-get-an-audience-quiet-jus_1305500.png) > [If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/if-you-re-going-to-vote-for-somebody-because-you-think-they-have-a/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bfd/lewis-black-1143_because_if-you-re-going-to-vote-for-somebody-bec_31159.png) > [If somebody tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I take a fossil and say "FOSSIL". If he…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/if-somebody-tries-to-tell-me-the-earth-was-created-in-7-days-i-take-a/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/341/lewis-black-1143_earth_if-somebody-tries-to-tell-me-the-earth-w_1251662.png) > [If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/if-you-don-t-drink-56-bottles-of-water-a-week-scientists-say-you/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e3/lewis-black-1143_ass_if-you-don-t-drink-56-bottles-of-water-a_2305411.png) > [My review of 2001, the year, is the same as my review of 2001: A Space Odyssey. It went on too long,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/my-review-of-2001-the-year-is-the-same-as-my-review-of-2001-a-space/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/87b/lewis-black-1143_2001-a-space-odyssey_my-review-of-2001-the-year-is-the-same-a_1038327.png) > [In Canada I'm not dealing with people who are bringing in baggage, they just get it. But New Orleans will be a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/in-canada-i-m-not-dealing-with-people-who-are-bringing-in-baggage/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1df/lewis-black-1143_baggage_in-canada-i-m-not-dealing-with-people-wh_356270.jpg) > [I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/i-do-not-make-jokes-about-sarah-palin-simply-because-i-could-not-live/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/599/lewis-black-1143_ifs_i-do-not-make-jokes-about-sarah-palin-si_3019513.png) > [When from behind me, a young woman of 25 uttered the following, it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/when-from-behind-me-a-young-woman-of-25-uttered-the-following-it-was/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/668/lewis-black-1143_behinds_when-from-behind-me-a-young-woman-of-25_695245.png) > [I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/i-don-t-care-who-wins-because-i-go-to-sporting-events-to-scream-it-s/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/66f/lewis-black-1143_bother_i-don-t-care-who-wins-because-i-go-to-sp_1831132.png) > [This is the thing I've never understood: If someone is going to hell for being gay or being a Jew or a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/this-is-the-thing-i-ve-never-understood-if-someone-is-going-to-hell/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27f/lewis-black-1143_abortion_this-is-the-thing-i-ve-never-understood_379928.jpg) > [If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/if-you-re-seeing-a-psychiatrist-you-re-wasting-money-because-all-you/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eda/lewis-black-1143_feels_if-you-re-seeing-a-psychiatrist-you-re-w_171609.jpg) > [They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/they-ve-gotta-stop-reporting-wind-chill-that-s-nonsense-it-really-is/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f3f/lewis-black-1143_chill_they-ve-gotta-stop-reporting-wind-chill_1261579.jpg) > [I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. No health insurance, so if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/i-was-broke-until-i-was-40-really-broke-i-could-get-by-but-i-had/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/725/lewis-black-1143_broke_i-was-broke-until-i-was-40-really-broke_343682.png) > [Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/is-a-bj-adultery-what-did-i-miss-a-day-of-school-of-course-it-is-oral/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/063/lewis-black-1143_adultery_is-a-bj-adultery-what-did-i-miss-a-day-o_758977.png) > [ \[The Weather Channel\] is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/the-weather-channel-is-the-most-watched-cable-channel-in-america-i-ll/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/356/lewis-black-1143_america_the-weather-channel-is-the-most-watched_2201685.jpg) > [Here's why I think there's something a little odd with George Bush. Because a lot of the times when he speaks, his…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/here-s-why-i-think-there-s-something-a-little-odd-with-george-bush/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0d8/lewis-black-1143_bars_here-s-why-i-think-there-s-something-a-l_2467933.png) > [If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/if-you-listen-to-a-song-and-get-an-image-in-your-head-and-then-you-go/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/054/lewis-black-1143_better-off_if-you-listen-to-a-song-and-get-an-image_3150275.png) > [“Ninety percent of a shirt that not only was bright purple and green but with a design on it that, if you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/ninety-percent-of-a-shirt-that-not-only-was-bright-purple-and-green/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2fd/lewis-black-1143_causes_ninety-percent-of-a-shirt-that-not-only_1134373.png) > [I went to New Zealand this year, and, whew man, I know a lot of people want to go there. But let…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/i-went-to-new-zealand-this-year-and-whew-man-i-know-a-lot-of-people/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d61/lewis-black-1143_australia_i-went-to-new-zealand-this-year-and-whew_3053801.png) > [I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/i-can-pretty-much-guarantee-that-if-i-do-a-show-in-a-comedy-club/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2c1/lewis-black-1143_audience_i-can-pretty-much-guarantee-that-if-i-do_822496.png) > [If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/if-a-group-of-people-leaders-can-convince-a-group-of-folk-who-barely/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b26/lewis-black-1143_convince_if-a-group-of-people-leaders-can-convinc_1308285.png) ## Other authors on Ifs ## More by Lewis Black > [I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/i-think-one-reason-people-play-golf-is-it-allows-them-to-obsess-about/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) > [If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/if-you-re-going-to-vote-for-somebody-because-you-think-they-have-a/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) > [I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/i-think-that-i-don-t-panic-as-much-as-the-folks-on-the-left-or-the/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) > [“I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/i-don-t-know-if-you-ve-noticed-but-our-two-party-system-is-a-bowl-of/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) > [These ballot initiatives against same sex marriage remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/these-ballot-initiatives-against-same-sex-marriage-remind-us-that/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) > [If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/if-you-re-going-to-pick-a-book-and-you-want-to-base-a-system-of/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) > [No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/no-matter-what-your-parents-are-going-to-worry-about-you-i-had-a-tour/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) > [I'm always amazed when I hear people saying, "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/i-m-always-amazed-when-i-hear-people-saying-that-george-bush-he-s-a/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) > [I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/i-knew-that-i-d-lived-in-new-york-too-long-when-a-few-years-ago-i-was/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) > [If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/if-you-re-seeing-a-psychiatrist-you-re-wasting-money-because-all-you/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) > [Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/well-first-of-all-i-d-just-like-to-say-that-2005-was-a-great-year-if/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) > [I'd like the campaigning to be about all the things they're not going to do. Just tell me what you're not going do! Don't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/i-d-like-the-campaigning-to-be-about-all-the-things-they-re-not-going/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) > [All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/all-food-is-comfort-food-maybe-i-just-like-to-chew/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) > [Johnny Vassilaros is the man who has created the finest cup of coffee ever served in the city of New York.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/johnny-vassilaros-is-the-man-who-has-created-the-finest-cup-of-coffee/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) > [“At seven p.m., hope is sparked again when some new chirpy airline employee announces that a new plane without that nasty mechanical problem -…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/at-seven-p-m-hope-is-sparked-again-when-some-new-chirpy-airline/) [Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lewis-black/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/lewis-black/#itemlist", "name": "30 Ifs Quotes By Lewis Black", "numberOfItems": 30, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/well-first-of-all-i-d-just-like-to-say-that-2005-was-a-great-year-if/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/271/lewis-black-1143_crap_well-first-of-all-i-d-just-like-to-say-t_179184.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/271/lewis-black-1143_crap_well-first-of-all-i-d-just-like-to-say-t_179184.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/271/lewis-black-1143_crap_well-first-of-all-i-d-just-like-to-say-t_179184.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.” — Lewis Black", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/if-there-is-hell-it-was-modeled-after-junior-high-school/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/923/lewis-black-1143_hell_if-there-is-hell-it-was-modeled-after-ju_991385.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/923/lewis-black-1143_hell_if-there-is-hell-it-was-modeled-after-ju_991385.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/923/lewis-black-1143_hell_if-there-is-hell-it-was-modeled-after-ju_991385.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school.” — Lewis Black", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/it-s-amazing-what-i-could-ve-written-in-my-life-if-i-had-realized/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/652/lewis-black-1143_ifs_it-s-amazing-what-i-could-ve-written-in_1088534.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/652/lewis-black-1143_ifs_it-s-amazing-what-i-could-ve-written-in_1088534.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/652/lewis-black-1143_ifs_it-s-amazing-what-i-could-ve-written-in_1088534.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not…” — Lewis Black", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/if-you-are-an-adult-and-you-are-planning-to-dress-up-on-halloween-don/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/189/lewis-black-1143_adult_if-you-are-an-adult-and-you-are-planning_2390297.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/189/lewis-black-1143_adult_if-you-are-an-adult-and-you-are-planning_2390297.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/189/lewis-black-1143_adult_if-you-are-an-adult-and-you-are-planning_2390297.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. 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And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their heads.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/whenever-someone-says-they-believe-the-earth-was-created-in-7-days-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/789/lewis-black-1143_believe_whenever-someone-says-they-believe-the-e_2166594.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/789/lewis-black-1143_believe_whenever-someone-says-they-believe-the-e_2166594.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/789/lewis-black-1143_believe_whenever-someone-says-they-believe-the-e_2166594.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Whenever someone says they believe the earth was created in 7 days, I grab a fossil and say, Fossil. 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If he still won't shut up I throw it at him.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/if-somebody-tries-to-tell-me-the-earth-was-created-in-7-days-i-take-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/341/lewis-black-1143_earth_if-somebody-tries-to-tell-me-the-earth-w_1251662.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/341/lewis-black-1143_earth_if-somebody-tries-to-tell-me-the-earth-w_1251662.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/341/lewis-black-1143_earth_if-somebody-tries-to-tell-me-the-earth-w_1251662.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If somebody tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I take a fossil and say \"FOSSIL\". If he still…” — Lewis Black", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/if-you-don-t-drink-56-bottles-of-water-a-week-scientists-say-you/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e3/lewis-black-1143_ass_if-you-don-t-drink-56-bottles-of-water-a_2305411.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e3/lewis-black-1143_ass_if-you-don-t-drink-56-bottles-of-water-a_2305411.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e3/lewis-black-1143_ass_if-you-don-t-drink-56-bottles-of-water-a_2305411.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of…” — Lewis Black", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "My review of 2001, the year, is the same as my review of 2001: A Space Odyssey. It went on too long, it was hard to follow, and you could only enjoy it if you were really, really, *really* stoned.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/my-review-of-2001-the-year-is-the-same-as-my-review-of-2001-a-space/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/87b/lewis-black-1143_2001-a-space-odyssey_my-review-of-2001-the-year-is-the-same-a_1038327.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/87b/lewis-black-1143_2001-a-space-odyssey_my-review-of-2001-the-year-is-the-same-a_1038327.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/87b/lewis-black-1143_2001-a-space-odyssey_my-review-of-2001-the-year-is-the-same-a_1038327.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My review of 2001, the year, is the same as my review of 2001: A Space Odyssey. It went on too long, it was…” — Lewis Black", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "In Canada I'm not dealing with people who are bringing in baggage, they just get it. But New Orleans will be a bit different. If there's a group of people who have a right to be bitter, it's the people of New Orleans.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/in-canada-i-m-not-dealing-with-people-who-are-bringing-in-baggage/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1df/lewis-black-1143_baggage_in-canada-i-m-not-dealing-with-people-wh_356270.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1df/lewis-black-1143_baggage_in-canada-i-m-not-dealing-with-people-wh_356270.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1df/lewis-black-1143_baggage_in-canada-i-m-not-dealing-with-people-wh_356270.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“In Canada I'm not dealing with people who are bringing in baggage, they just get it. But New Orleans will be…” — Lewis Black", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 16, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/i-do-not-make-jokes-about-sarah-palin-simply-because-i-could-not-live/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/599/lewis-black-1143_ifs_i-do-not-make-jokes-about-sarah-palin-si_3019513.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/599/lewis-black-1143_ifs_i-do-not-make-jokes-about-sarah-palin-si_3019513.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/599/lewis-black-1143_ifs_i-do-not-make-jokes-about-sarah-palin-si_3019513.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a…” — Lewis Black", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 17, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When from behind me, a young woman of 25 uttered the following, it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life until Dan Quayle was elected Vice President of the United States. She said, if it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/when-from-behind-me-a-young-woman-of-25-uttered-the-following-it-was/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/668/lewis-black-1143_behinds_when-from-behind-me-a-young-woman-of-25_695245.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/668/lewis-black-1143_behinds_when-from-behind-me-a-young-woman-of-25_695245.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/668/lewis-black-1143_behinds_when-from-behind-me-a-young-woman-of-25_695245.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When from behind me, a young woman of 25 uttered the following, it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard…” — Lewis Black", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 18, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/i-don-t-care-who-wins-because-i-go-to-sporting-events-to-scream-it-s/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/66f/lewis-black-1143_bother_i-don-t-care-who-wins-because-i-go-to-sp_1831132.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/66f/lewis-black-1143_bother_i-don-t-care-who-wins-because-i-go-to-sp_1831132.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/66f/lewis-black-1143_bother_i-don-t-care-who-wins-because-i-go-to-sp_1831132.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can…” — Lewis Black", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 19, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "This is the thing I've never understood: If someone is going to hell for being gay or being a Jew or a Muslim or having an abortion, then what are you worried about? You don't need to try and convert these people or try and save them. If you really believe in your religion, these people are already doomed, so stop worrying about them.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/this-is-the-thing-i-ve-never-understood-if-someone-is-going-to-hell/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27f/lewis-black-1143_abortion_this-is-the-thing-i-ve-never-understood_379928.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27f/lewis-black-1143_abortion_this-is-the-thing-i-ve-never-understood_379928.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27f/lewis-black-1143_abortion_this-is-the-thing-i-ve-never-understood_379928.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“This is the thing I've never understood: If someone is going to hell for being gay or being a Jew or a…” — Lewis Black", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 20, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow and, inevitably, you're going to be seated in front of some guy who's playing with himself, and he'll be singing, 'Happy Days Are Here Again.' I tell you - when I see that guy, I feel pretty good about myself.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/if-you-re-seeing-a-psychiatrist-you-re-wasting-money-because-all-you/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eda/lewis-black-1143_feels_if-you-re-seeing-a-psychiatrist-you-re-w_171609.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eda/lewis-black-1143_feels_if-you-re-seeing-a-psychiatrist-you-re-w_171609.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eda/lewis-black-1143_feels_if-you-re-seeing-a-psychiatrist-you-re-w_171609.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on…” — Lewis Black", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 21, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, \"Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3.\" Well, then it's minus 3, asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/they-ve-gotta-stop-reporting-wind-chill-that-s-nonsense-it-really-is/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f3f/lewis-black-1143_chill_they-ve-gotta-stop-reporting-wind-chill_1261579.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f3f/lewis-black-1143_chill_they-ve-gotta-stop-reporting-wind-chill_1261579.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f3f/lewis-black-1143_chill_they-ve-gotta-stop-reporting-wind-chill_1261579.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with…” — Lewis Black", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 22, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. No health insurance, so if something happened I was screwed. I was lucky my parents had money and my brother was willing to support me for a long time. Once I started doing standup, I had an income, and that was amazing to me.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/i-was-broke-until-i-was-40-really-broke-i-could-get-by-but-i-had/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/725/lewis-black-1143_broke_i-was-broke-until-i-was-40-really-broke_343682.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/725/lewis-black-1143_broke_i-was-broke-until-i-was-40-really-broke_343682.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/725/lewis-black-1143_broke_i-was-broke-until-i-was-40-really-broke_343682.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. No health insurance, so if…” — Lewis Black", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 23, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling is an Olympic sport. The only thing is, oral sex should be in the Olympics because it's much harder than Curling, and if you're good at it, you DESERVE a medal!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/is-a-bj-adultery-what-did-i-miss-a-day-of-school-of-course-it-is-oral/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/063/lewis-black-1143_adultery_is-a-bj-adultery-what-did-i-miss-a-day-o_758977.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/063/lewis-black-1143_adultery_is-a-bj-adultery-what-did-i-miss-a-day-o_758977.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/063/lewis-black-1143_adultery_is-a-bj-adultery-what-did-i-miss-a-day-o_758977.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling is an…” — Lewis Black", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 24, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "[The Weather Channel] is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in America. They were worried about the terrorists immobilizing us, and a portion of our countrymen watch weather. 'Kay, you don't get any more immobile than that... unless you're in a goddamn coma. That means you're saying, \"I'd go to the window, but it's too far.\" If you want to know what the weather is you go to a window and stick your hand out and if you want to know what the temperature is you drive by a bank.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/the-weather-channel-is-the-most-watched-cable-channel-in-america-i-ll/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/356/lewis-black-1143_america_the-weather-channel-is-the-most-watched_2201685.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/356/lewis-black-1143_america_the-weather-channel-is-the-most-watched_2201685.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/356/lewis-black-1143_america_the-weather-channel-is-the-most-watched_2201685.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“[The Weather Channel] is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched…” — Lewis Black", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 25, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Here's why I think there's something a little odd with George Bush. Because a lot of the times when he speaks, his words don't match his face. Something is askew. You can't talk about the war with a smile on your face. He does it constantly. If you're the President, you should go We're going to talk about the war, I must have a frowny face. The only time you can smile when you're talking about the war in Iraq is when you go, Well, two Iraqis walk into a bar, hahaha.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/here-s-why-i-think-there-s-something-a-little-odd-with-george-bush/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0d8/lewis-black-1143_bars_here-s-why-i-think-there-s-something-a-l_2467933.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0d8/lewis-black-1143_bars_here-s-why-i-think-there-s-something-a-l_2467933.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0d8/lewis-black-1143_bars_here-s-why-i-think-there-s-something-a-l_2467933.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Here's why I think there's something a little odd with George Bush. Because a lot of the times when he…” — Lewis Black", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 26, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/if-you-listen-to-a-song-and-get-an-image-in-your-head-and-then-you-go/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/054/lewis-black-1143_better-off_if-you-listen-to-a-song-and-get-an-image_3150275.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/054/lewis-black-1143_better-off_if-you-listen-to-a-song-and-get-an-image_3150275.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/054/lewis-black-1143_better-off_if-you-listen-to-a-song-and-get-an-image_3150275.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image…” — Lewis Black", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 27, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Ninety percent of a shirt that not only was bright purple and green but with a design on it that, if you moved too quickly, might cause a seizure in an unsuspecting onlooker.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/ninety-percent-of-a-shirt-that-not-only-was-bright-purple-and-green/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2fd/lewis-black-1143_causes_ninety-percent-of-a-shirt-that-not-only_1134373.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2fd/lewis-black-1143_causes_ninety-percent-of-a-shirt-that-not-only_1134373.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2fd/lewis-black-1143_causes_ninety-percent-of-a-shirt-that-not-only_1134373.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Ninety percent of a shirt that not only was bright purple and green but with a design on it that, if you…” — Lewis Black", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 28, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I went to New Zealand this year, and, whew man, I know a lot of people want to go there. But let me just tell you, it's 22 hours by plane. So, if you have the opportunity, don't.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/i-went-to-new-zealand-this-year-and-whew-man-i-know-a-lot-of-people/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d61/lewis-black-1143_australia_i-went-to-new-zealand-this-year-and-whew_3053801.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d61/lewis-black-1143_australia_i-went-to-new-zealand-this-year-and-whew_3053801.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d61/lewis-black-1143_australia_i-went-to-new-zealand-this-year-and-whew_3053801.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I went to New Zealand this year, and, whew man, I know a lot of people want to go there. 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It's just a guarantee.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/i-can-pretty-much-guarantee-that-if-i-do-a-show-in-a-comedy-club/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2c1/lewis-black-1143_audience_i-can-pretty-much-guarantee-that-if-i-do_822496.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2c1/lewis-black-1143_audience_i-can-pretty-much-guarantee-that-if-i-do_822496.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2c1/lewis-black-1143_audience_i-can-pretty-much-guarantee-that-if-i-do_822496.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of…” — Lewis Black", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 30, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lewis Black" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lewis-black/if-a-group-of-people-leaders-can-convince-a-group-of-folk-who-barely/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b26/lewis-black-1143_convince_if-a-group-of-people-leaders-can-convinc_1308285.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b26/lewis-black-1143_convince_if-a-group-of-people-leaders-can-convinc_1308285.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b26/lewis-black-1143_convince_if-a-group-of-people-leaders-can-convinc_1308285.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich…” — Lewis Black", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/lewis-black/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/lewis-black/", "name": "Ifs Quotes by Lewis Black", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/lewis-black/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/271/lewis-black-1143_crap_well-first-of-all-i-d-just-like-to-say-t_179184.png" }, "description": "30 Ifs quotes by Lewis Black. 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