---
title: "16 Ifs Quotes By Johnny Carson"
description: "16 Ifs quotes by Johnny Carson. Plus more from Johnny Carson and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/838/johnny-carson-2644_burger_it-was-so-hot-today-that-burger-king-was_2304258.png"
---

> [It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/it-was-so-hot-today-that-burger-king-was-singing-if-you-want-it-your/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/838/johnny-carson-2644_burger_it-was-so-hot-today-that-burger-king-was_2304258.png)

> [If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/if-god-didn-t-want-man-to-hunt-he-wouldn-t-have-given-us-plaid-shirts/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3a4/johnny-carson-2644_given_if-god-didn-t-want-man-to-hunt-he-wouldn_2386931.png)

> [If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/if-you-re-happy-in-what-you-re-doing-you-ll-like-yourself-you-ll-have/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a2c/johnny-carson-2644_best-work_if-you-re-happy-in-what-you-re-doing-you_2042735.png)

> [Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/never-ask-your-wife-if-she-still-hears-from-her-old-pimp/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/279/johnny-carson-2644_asks_never-ask-your-wife-if-she-still-hears-f_172404.png)

> [I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/i-m-an-entertainer-not-a-commentator-if-you-re-a-comedian-your-job-is/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a23/johnny-carson-2644_comedian_i-m-an-entertainer-not-a-commentator-if_188329.png)

> [Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/everybody-i-meet-in-public-seems-to-want-to-audition-for-me-if-i-ask/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/190/johnny-carson-2644_asks_everybody-i-meet-in-public-seems-to-want_425212.png)

> [It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea.It was so hot today I saw a pigeon…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/it-was-so-hot-today-i-saw-a-robin-dipping-his-worm-in-nestea-it-was/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/555/johnny-carson-2644_burger-king_it-was-so-hot-today-i-saw-a-robin-dippin_481195.png)

> [Entertainment is like any other major industry; it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/entertainment-is-like-any-other-major-industry-it-s-cold-big-business/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ceb/johnny-carson-2644_big-business_entertainment-is-like-any-other-major-in_2576648.jpg)

> [You become successful, the way I see it, only if you're good enough to deliver what the public enjoys. If you're not,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/you-become-successful-the-way-i-see-it-only-if-you-re-good-enough-to/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/04c/johnny-carson-2644_audience_you-become-successful-the-way-i-see-it-o_3116410.png)

> [From the time I was a little kid, I was always shy. Performing was when I was outgoing. So I guess I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/from-the-time-i-was-a-little-kid-i-was-always-shy-performing-was-when/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/086/johnny-carson-2644_claustrophobia_from-the-time-i-was-a-little-kid-i-was-a_35637.png)

> [I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/i-feel-the-one-sensible-thing-you-can-do-is-try-to-live-in-a-way-that/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d43/johnny-carson-2644_can-do_i-feel-the-one-sensible-thing-you-can-do_3188953.png)

> [I'm an entertainer; I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/i-m-an-entertainer-i-try-to-give-the-public-what-it-wants-while-i-m/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7a1/johnny-carson-2644_boys_i-m-an-entertainer-i-try-to-give-the-pub_1958077.png)

> [People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/people-are-hypocrites-if-you-ask-them-what-they-want-to-see-on-tv/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/23a/johnny-carson-2644_asks_people-are-hypocrites-if-you-ask-them-wh_1319895.png)

> [Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/audiences-have-proved-time-and-again-that-they-don-t-want-a-steady/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4d7/johnny-carson-2644_audience_audiences-have-proved-time-and-again-tha_702865.png)

> [Americans, too many of them, take themselves too seriously. You're going to get rapped - by the viewers, by the sponsors and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/americans-too-many-of-them-take-themselves-too-seriously-you-re-going/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/00e/johnny-carson-2644_america_americans-too-many-of-them-take-themselv_1491680.jpg)

> [I get sick of that old rationalization, "We're staying together because of the children." Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/i-get-sick-of-that-old-rationalization-we-re-staying-together-because/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/465/johnny-carson-2644_better-off_i-get-sick-of-that-old-rationalization-w_3049680.png)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by Johnny Carson

> [It's silly to have as one's sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth. I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/it-s-silly-to-have-as-one-s-sole-object-in-life-just-making-money/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

> [The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/the-only-issue-cash-presents-you-is-the-independence-of-not-stressing/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

> [ I can empathize with President \[George Bush\]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over. ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/i-can-empathize-with-president-george-bush-i-know-what-it-feels-like/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

> [From the time I was a little kid, I was always shy. Performing was when I was outgoing. So I guess I am a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/from-the-time-i-was-a-little-kid-i-was-always-shy-performing-was-when/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

> [ I'm often asked, "What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted \[The Tonight Show\]?" I really don't have just one. The… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/i-m-often-asked-what-is-your-favorite-moment-during-the-30-years-you/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

> [For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/for-days-after-death-hair-and-fingernails-continue-to-grow-but-phone/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

> [Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/money-gives-me-just-one-big-thing-that-s-really-important-and-that-s/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

> [In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/in-hollywood-if-you-don-t-have-a-shrink-people-think-you-re-crazy/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

> [Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/ronald-reagan-just-signed-the-new-tax-law-but-i-think-he-was-in/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

> [The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/the-good-news-is-that-the-president-gets-another-chance-the-bad-news/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

> [Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/anytime-four-new-yorkers-get-into-a-cab-together-without-arguing-a/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

> [For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/for-three-days-after-death-hair-and-fingernails-continue-to-grow-but/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

> [Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/democracy-means-free-television-not-good-television-but-free/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

> [I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/i-know-a-man-who-gave-up-smoking-drinking-sex-and-rich-food-he-was/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

> [Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/never-ask-your-wife-if-she-still-hears-from-her-old-pimp/)

[Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/)

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                        "text": "You become successful, the way I see it, only if you're good enough to deliver what the public enjoys. If you're not, you won't have any audience; so the performer really has more to do with his success than the public does.",
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                        "text": "From the time I was a little kid, I was always shy. Performing was when I was outgoing. So I guess I am a loner. I get claustrophobia if a lot of people are around.",
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                        "text": "I'm an entertainer; I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.",
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                        "text": "Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially if he's a comedian.",
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                        "text": "Americans, too many of them, take themselves too seriously. You're going to get rapped - by the viewers, by the sponsors and by the network brass - if you joke about doctors, lawyers, dentists, scientists, bus drivers, I don't care who. You can't make a joke about Catholics, Negroes, Jews, Italians, politicians, dogs or cats. In fact, politicians, dogs and cats are the most sacred institutions in America.",
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                        "text": "I get sick of that old rationalization, \"We're staying together because of the children.\" Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.",
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