--- title: "11 Ifs Quotes By Jerome K. Jerome" description: "11 Ifs quotes by Jerome K. Jerome. Plus more from Jerome K. Jerome and more Ifs sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5f2/jerome-k-jerome-1155_ifs_all-is-vanity-and-everybody-s-vain-women_2099726.png" --- > [All is vanity and everybody's vain. Women are terribly vain. So are men - more so, if possible.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/all-is-vanity-and-everybody-s-vain-women-are-terribly-vain-so-are-men/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5f2/jerome-k-jerome-1155_ifs_all-is-vanity-and-everybody-s-vain-women_2099726.png) > [There are the goods; if you want them, you can have them. If you do not want them, they would almost rather…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/there-are-the-goods-if-you-want-them-you-can-have-them-if-you-do-not/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b17/jerome-k-jerome-1155_come_there-are-the-goods-if-you-want-them-you_853745.jpg) > [Give an average baby a fair chance, and if it doesn't do something it oughtn't to a doctor should be called in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/give-an-average-baby-a-fair-chance-and-if-it-doesn-t-do-something-it/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0d7/jerome-k-jerome-1155_average_give-an-average-baby-a-fair-chance-and-i_690777.png) > [Man, if he would live, must worship. He looks around, and what to him, within the vision of his life, is the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/man-if-he-would-live-must-worship-he-looks-around-and-what-to-him/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/15b/jerome-k-jerome-1155_doe_man-if-he-would-live-must-worship-he-loo_541889.png) > [If he were a man of strong mind, it only gave him fits; but a person of mere average intellect it usually…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/if-he-were-a-man-of-strong-mind-it-only-gave-him-fits-but-a-person-of/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f22/jerome-k-jerome-1155_average_if-he-were-a-man-of-strong-mind-it-only_2990247.png) > [Contented, unambitious people are all very well in their way. They form a neat, useful background for great portraits to be painted…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/contented-unambitious-people-are-all-very-well-in-their-way-they-form-2/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/769/jerome-k-jerome-1155_active_contented-unambitious-people-are-all-ver_2154046.jpg) > [That is just the way with Memory; nothing that she brings to us is complete. She is a willful child; all her…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/that-is-just-the-way-with-memory-nothing-that-she-brings-to-us-is/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ed4/jerome-k-jerome-1155_believe_that-is-just-the-way-with-memory-nothing_1965506.jpg) > [Eat good dinners and drink good wine; read good novels if you have the leisure and see good plays; fall in love,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/eat-good-dinners-and-drink-good-wine-read-good-novels-if-you-have-the/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d19/jerome-k-jerome-1155_books_eat-good-dinners-and-drink-good-wine-rea_897684.png) > [There are various methods by which you may achieve ignominy and shame. By murdering a large and respected family in cold blood…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/there-are-various-methods-by-which-you-may-achieve-ignominy-and-shame/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/351/jerome-k-jerome-1155_achieve_there-are-various-methods-by-which-you-m_2319071.jpg) > [So, eventually, he made one final arrangement with himself, which he has religiously held to ever since, and that was to count…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/so-eventually-he-made-one-final-arrangement-with-himself-which-he-has/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/117/jerome-k-jerome-1155_arrangements_so-eventually-he-made-one-final-arrangem_2883201.png) > [If a man stopped me in the street and demanded of me my watch, I should refuse to give it to him.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/if-a-man-stopped-me-in-the-street-and-demanded-of-me-my-watch-i/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6d2/jerome-k-jerome-1155_action_if-a-man-stopped-me-in-the-street-and-de_766555.jpg) ## Other authors on Ifs ## More by Jerome K. Jerome > [“George goes to sleep at a bank from ten to four each day, except Saturdays, when they wake him up and put him outside…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/george-goes-to-sleep-at-a-bank-from-ten-to-four-each-day-except/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) > [“He would use a bit of string this time, and at the critical moment, when the old fool was leaning over the chair at…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/he-would-use-a-bit-of-string-this-time-and-at-the-critical-moment/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) > [Some people are under the impression that all that is required to make a good fisherman is the ability to tell lies easily and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/some-people-are-under-the-impression-that-all-that-is-required-to/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) > [It is easy enough to say that poverty is no crime. No; if it were men wouldn't be ashamed of it. It is a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/it-is-easy-enough-to-say-that-poverty-is-no-crime-no-if-it-were-men/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) > [Love is woman's business,and in "business" we all lay aside our natural weaknesses.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/love-is-woman-s-business-and-in-business-we-all-lay-aside-our-natural/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) > [We are but the veriest, sorriest slaves of our stomach. Reach not after morality and righteousness, my friends; watch vigilantly your stomach, and diet…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/we-are-but-the-veriest-sorriest-slaves-of-our-stomach-reach-not-after/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) > [“There was no ground-floor — its ground-floor belonged to a house in the next court, and the front door opened direct upon a flight…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/there-was-no-ground-floor-its-ground-floor-belonged-to-a-house-in-the/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) > [“I can understand the ignorant masses loving to soak themselves in drink—oh, yes, it's very shocking that they should, of course—very shocking to us…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/i-can-understand-the-ignorant-masses-loving-to-soak-themselves-in/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) > [ They \[dogs\] never talk about themselves but listen to you while you talk about yourself, and keep up an appearance of being interested in… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/they-dogs-never-talk-about-themselves-but-listen-to-you-while-you/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) > [“And we sit there, by its margin, while the moon, who loves it too, stoops down to kiss it with a sister’s kiss, and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/and-we-sit-there-by-its-margin-while-the-moon-who-loves-it-too-stoops/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) > [“The only feeling that a closer intimacy has created in him for his wife is that of indulgent contempt. As there is no equality…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/the-only-feeling-that-a-closer-intimacy-has-created-in-him-for-his/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) > [Evil thought is a dangerous pet. It is safer to play with it from behind the iron bars of circumstance.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/evil-thought-is-a-dangerous-pet-it-is-safer-to-play-with-it-from/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) > [If you are foolish enough to be contented, don't show it, but grumble with the rest; and if you can do with a little,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/if-you-are-foolish-enough-to-be-contented-don-t-show-it-but-grumble/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) > [Life will always remain a gamble, with prizes sometimes for the imprudent, and blanks so often to the wise.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/life-will-always-remain-a-gamble-with-prizes-sometimes-for-the/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) > [“You can never rouse Harris. There is no poetry about Harris- no wild yearning for the unattainable. Harris never "weeps, he knows not why."…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/you-can-never-rouse-harris-there-is-no-poetry-about-harris-no-wild/) [Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/jerome-k-jerome/#itemlist", "name": "11 Ifs Quotes By Jerome K. 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Jerome" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/if-he-were-a-man-of-strong-mind-it-only-gave-him-fits-but-a-person-of/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f22/jerome-k-jerome-1155_average_if-he-were-a-man-of-strong-mind-it-only_2990247.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f22/jerome-k-jerome-1155_average_if-he-were-a-man-of-strong-mind-it-only_2990247.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f22/jerome-k-jerome-1155_average_if-he-were-a-man-of-strong-mind-it-only_2990247.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If he were a man of strong mind, it only gave him fits; but a person of mere average intellect it usually…” — Jerome K. Jerome", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 6, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Contented, unambitious people are all very well in their way. They form a neat, useful background for great portraits to be painted against, and they make a respectable, if not particularly intelligent, audience for the active spirits of the age to play before. I have not a word to say against contented people so long as they keep quiet.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerome K. Jerome" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/contented-unambitious-people-are-all-very-well-in-their-way-they-form-2/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/769/jerome-k-jerome-1155_active_contented-unambitious-people-are-all-ver_2154046.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/769/jerome-k-jerome-1155_active_contented-unambitious-people-are-all-ver_2154046.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/769/jerome-k-jerome-1155_active_contented-unambitious-people-are-all-ver_2154046.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Contented, unambitious people are all very well in their way. They form a neat, useful background for great…” — Jerome K. Jerome", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "That is just the way with Memory; nothing that she brings to us is complete. She is a willful child; all her toys are broken. I remember tumbling into a huge dust-hole when a very small boy, but I have not the faintest recollection of ever getting out again; and if memory were all we had to trust to, I should be compelled to believe I was there still.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerome K. Jerome" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/that-is-just-the-way-with-memory-nothing-that-she-brings-to-us-is/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ed4/jerome-k-jerome-1155_believe_that-is-just-the-way-with-memory-nothing_1965506.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ed4/jerome-k-jerome-1155_believe_that-is-just-the-way-with-memory-nothing_1965506.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ed4/jerome-k-jerome-1155_believe_that-is-just-the-way-with-memory-nothing_1965506.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“That is just the way with Memory; nothing that she brings to us is complete. She is a willful child; all her…” — Jerome K. Jerome", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Eat good dinners and drink good wine; read good novels if you have the leisure and see good plays; fall in love, if there is no reason why you should not fall in love; but do not pore over influenza statistics.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerome K. Jerome" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/eat-good-dinners-and-drink-good-wine-read-good-novels-if-you-have-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d19/jerome-k-jerome-1155_books_eat-good-dinners-and-drink-good-wine-rea_897684.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d19/jerome-k-jerome-1155_books_eat-good-dinners-and-drink-good-wine-rea_897684.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d19/jerome-k-jerome-1155_books_eat-good-dinners-and-drink-good-wine-rea_897684.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Eat good dinners and drink good wine; read good novels if you have the leisure and see good plays; fall in…” — Jerome K. Jerome", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "There are various methods by which you may achieve ignominy and shame. By murdering a large and respected family in cold blood and afterward depositing their bodies in the water companies' reservoir, you will gain much unpopularity in the neighborhood of your crime, and even robbing a church will get you cordially disliked, especially by the vicar. But if you desire to drain to the dregs the fullest cup of scorn and hatred that a fellow human creature can pour out for you, let a young mother hear you call dear baby \"it.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerome K. Jerome" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/there-are-various-methods-by-which-you-may-achieve-ignominy-and-shame/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/351/jerome-k-jerome-1155_achieve_there-are-various-methods-by-which-you-m_2319071.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/351/jerome-k-jerome-1155_achieve_there-are-various-methods-by-which-you-m_2319071.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/351/jerome-k-jerome-1155_achieve_there-are-various-methods-by-which-you-m_2319071.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“There are various methods by which you may achieve ignominy and shame. By murdering a large and respected…” — Jerome K. Jerome", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "So, eventually, he made one final arrangement with himself, which he has religiously held to ever since, and that was to count each fish that he caught as ten, and to assume ten to begin with. For example, if he did not catch any fish at all, then he said he had caught ten fish - you could never catch less than ten fish by his system; that was the foundation of it. Then, if by any chance he really did catch one fish, he called it twenty, while two fish would count thirty, three forty, and so on.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerome K. Jerome" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/so-eventually-he-made-one-final-arrangement-with-himself-which-he-has/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/117/jerome-k-jerome-1155_arrangements_so-eventually-he-made-one-final-arrangem_2883201.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/117/jerome-k-jerome-1155_arrangements_so-eventually-he-made-one-final-arrangem_2883201.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/117/jerome-k-jerome-1155_arrangements_so-eventually-he-made-one-final-arrangem_2883201.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“So, eventually, he made one final arrangement with himself, which he has religiously held to ever since, and…” — Jerome K. Jerome", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If a man stopped me in the street and demanded of me my watch, I should refuse to give it to him. If he threatened to take it by force, I feel I should, though not a fighting man, do my best to protect it. If, on the other hand, he should assert his intention of trying to obtain it by means of an action in any court of law, I should take it out of my pocket and hand it to him, and think I had got off cheaply.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerome K. Jerome" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/if-a-man-stopped-me-in-the-street-and-demanded-of-me-my-watch-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6d2/jerome-k-jerome-1155_action_if-a-man-stopped-me-in-the-street-and-de_766555.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6d2/jerome-k-jerome-1155_action_if-a-man-stopped-me-in-the-street-and-de_766555.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6d2/jerome-k-jerome-1155_action_if-a-man-stopped-me-in-the-street-and-de_766555.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If a man stopped me in the street and demanded of me my watch, I should refuse to give it to him. If he…” — Jerome K. 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