--- title: "20 Ifs Quotes By Jay Mohr" description: "20 Ifs quotes by Jay Mohr. Plus more from Jay Mohr and more Ifs sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f82/jay-mohr-4777_gratuity_if-a-waiter-or-waitress-tells-me-when-gr_501336.png" --- > [If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/if-a-waiter-or-waitress-tells-me-when-gratuity-is-included-they/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f82/jay-mohr-4777_gratuity_if-a-waiter-or-waitress-tells-me-when-gr_501336.png) > [If it's going to really make them happy for me to do it, I'll do Walken. I've got no problem with it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/if-it-s-going-to-really-make-them-happy-for-me-to-do-it-i-ll-do/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5c7/jay-mohr-4777_happy_if-it-s-going-to-really-make-them-happy_2612001.png) > [If anyone thinks my show was 'pretty good,' then I've completely failed.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/if-anyone-thinks-my-show-was-pretty-good-then-i-ve-completely-failed/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/661/jay-mohr-4777_failed_if-anyone-thinks-my-show-was-pretty-good_3015847.png) > [Yogi Berra put it best, "If people don't want to come, we can't stop them."](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/yogi-berra-put-it-best-if-people-don-t-want-to-come-we-can-t-stop-them/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c51/jay-mohr-4777_ifs_yogi-berra-put-it-best-if-people-don-t-w_1878121.png) > [You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/you-don-t-really-drive-in-cabs-in-l-a-unless-you-re-broke-or-homeless/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e65/jay-mohr-4777_broke_you-don-t-really-drive-in-cabs-in-l-a-un_502507.png) > [Most importantly, how impressive can I be to people that bought tickets, where they never feel, "It was pretty good." If anyone…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/most-importantly-how-impressive-can-i-be-to-people-that-bought/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5a0/jay-mohr-4777_comic_most-importantly-how-impressive-can-i-be_818115.png) > [Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond 'cause if she got a shower massager, she…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/some-ladies-got-the-shower-massager-oh-man-you-better-buy-her-a/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/73f/jay-mohr-4777_car_some-ladies-got-the-shower-massager-oh-m_1222111.png) > [I didn't want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren't strong, but who wants…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/i-didn-t-want-to-fight-a-guy-from-england-what-if-i-lose-not-that/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/06d/jay-mohr-4777_beats_i-didn-t-want-to-fight-a-guy-from-englan_150094.png) > [ \[Joan Rivers\] is fantastic. AND SHE'S 80! There's no 80-year-old pitcher. If you're a running back and you're 28 they're like, "Oh,… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/joan-rivers-is-fantastic-and-she-s-80-there-s-no-80-year-old-pitcher/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bcb/jay-mohr-4777_careers_joan-rivers-is-fantastic-and-she-s-80-th_2624197.png) > [I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/i-miss-third-grade-because-you-could-kill-people-in-dodgeball/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c2c/jay-mohr-4777_dies_i-miss-third-grade-because-you-could-kil_3073656.png) > [You remember from watching the show, there are no "jokes." That's why if you see people on Twitter accusing me of being…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/you-remember-from-watching-the-show-there-are-no-jokes-that-s-why-if/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/59b/jay-mohr-4777_accusing_you-remember-from-watching-the-show-ther_5266.png) > [If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/if-you-think-you-re-an-alcoholic-go-to-scotland-you-re-not-an/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/38f/jay-mohr-4777_alcoholics_if-you-think-you-re-an-alcoholic-go-to-s_2974886.png) > [I created a human being from paper and I put it on the screen, a unique individual. I wish every performance, every…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/i-created-a-human-being-from-paper-and-i-put-it-on-the-screen-a/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/690/jay-mohr-4777_credit_i-created-a-human-being-from-paper-and-i_1110324.png) > [I don't know if you've ever been to England, but as soon as they find out you're from America, they hate you.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/i-don-t-know-if-you-ve-ever-been-to-england-but-as-soon-as-they-find/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/826/jay-mohr-4777_america_i-don-t-know-if-you-ve-ever-been-to-engl_2049905.png) > [If there are 1,500 people in a theater and they're all there to see you, there are no other guys. You're the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/if-there-are-1-500-people-in-a-theater-and-they-re-all-there-to-see/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/544/jay-mohr-4777_balls_if-there-are-1-500-people-in-a-theater-a_319553.png) > [There is a person that says they invented the podcast and they are suing Adam Carolla, because he is the top of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/there-is-a-person-that-says-they-invented-the-podcast-and-they-are/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f1f/jay-mohr-4777_adam_there-is-a-person-that-says-they-invente_2834594.jpg) > [It's always a job when you're the reason they're assembling. If you're just doing shows and you're on a lineup with eight…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/it-s-always-a-job-when-you-re-the-reason-they-re-assembling-if-you-re/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c93/jay-mohr-4777_assembling_it-s-always-a-job-when-you-re-the-reason_1122606.png) > [The allure becomes, "Can I make these rooms bigger?" Can I fill these 1,500-seat rooms? Then the allure is, how much, if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/the-allure-becomes-can-i-make-these-rooms-bigger-can-i-fill-these-1/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9ab/jay-mohr-4777_allure_the-allure-becomes-can-i-make-these-room_1477894.jpg) > [Long Island always seems to be the hardest place for some reason. There are always excuses. People will say, "Well, there's a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/long-island-always-seems-to-be-the-hardest-place-for-some-reason/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/22d/jay-mohr-4777_chelsea_long-island-always-seems-to-be-the-harde_552590.jpg) > [If you were an actor, anybody could go on Broadway and take a George Carlin hour and do it on stage as…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/if-you-were-an-actor-anybody-could-go-on-broadway-and-take-a-george/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/30a/jay-mohr-4777_actor_if-you-were-an-actor-anybody-could-go-on_762654.png) ## Other authors on Ifs ## More by Jay Mohr > [I think, here's what I've realized from interviewing people, and I've been very open about my Catholicism and my love of Christ and I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/i-think-here-s-what-i-ve-realized-from-interviewing-people-and-i-ve/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) > [You remember from watching the show, there are no "jokes." That's why if you see people on Twitter accusing me of being a "joke…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/you-remember-from-watching-the-show-there-are-no-jokes-that-s-why-if/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) > [ I'm telling you, I could teach at a university, \[George\] Carlin, a whole semester. The construction and deconstruction of the words, the language, the… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/i-m-telling-you-i-could-teach-at-a-university-george-carlin-a-whole/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) > [Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/not-everyone-likes-sports-gandhi-and-malcolm-x-come-to-mind/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) > [ My wife and I have long discussions about \[George\] Carlin, and we refuse to accept that he died an atheist. It's just, confounding. When… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/my-wife-and-i-have-long-discussions-about-george-carlin-and-we-refuse/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) > [I remember I used to go to The Laugh Factory and just goof off onstage, and then I'd see Dane Cook. He did a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/i-remember-i-used-to-go-to-the-laugh-factory-and-just-goof-off/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) > [“If you want God to laugh, make plans.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/if-you-want-god-to-laugh-make-plans/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) > [I didn't want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren't strong, but who wants to get…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/i-didn-t-want-to-fight-a-guy-from-england-what-if-i-lose-not-that/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) > [All that waiting around for a glimmer of stage time, just getting angry every week... It was just an oppressive, horrible, horrible place to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/all-that-waiting-around-for-a-glimmer-of-stage-time-just-getting/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) > [First of all, my wife writes half my act. I don't know how I could "steal" from my wife.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/first-of-all-my-wife-writes-half-my-act-i-don-t-know-how-i-could/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) > [If there are 1,500 people in a theater and they're all there to see you, there are no other guys. You're the guy. So…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/if-there-are-1-500-people-in-a-theater-and-they-re-all-there-to-see/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) > [I'm a comic because I don't want to do the nine-to-five, I have to modify that and say I'm a comic because I have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/i-m-a-comic-because-i-don-t-want-to-do-the-nine-to-five-i-have-to/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) > [Comedians are always going to be in the showbiz middle class, you're not Brad Pitt; you're never going to be Sam Rockwell or Shia…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/comedians-are-always-going-to-be-in-the-showbiz-middle-class-you-re/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) > [When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/when-human-beings-stop-progressing-at-an-endeavor-they-stop-enjoying/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) > [If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/if-a-waiter-or-waitress-tells-me-when-gratuity-is-included-they/) [Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-mohr/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/jay-mohr/#itemlist", "name": "20 Ifs Quotes By Jay Mohr", "numberOfItems": 20, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. 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I think every comic should think that.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jay Mohr" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/most-importantly-how-impressive-can-i-be-to-people-that-bought/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5a0/jay-mohr-4777_comic_most-importantly-how-impressive-can-i-be_818115.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5a0/jay-mohr-4777_comic_most-importantly-how-impressive-can-i-be_818115.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5a0/jay-mohr-4777_comic_most-importantly-how-impressive-can-i-be_818115.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Most importantly, how impressive can I be to people that bought tickets, where they never feel, \"It was…” — Jay Mohr", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond 'cause if she got a shower massager, she don't really need you anymore. That shower massager makes a woman shake like a car on bad gas going up a hill.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jay Mohr" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/some-ladies-got-the-shower-massager-oh-man-you-better-buy-her-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/73f/jay-mohr-4777_car_some-ladies-got-the-shower-massager-oh-m_1222111.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/73f/jay-mohr-4777_car_some-ladies-got-the-shower-massager-oh-m_1222111.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/73f/jay-mohr-4777_car_some-ladies-got-the-shower-massager-oh-m_1222111.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond 'cause if she got a shower…” — Jay Mohr", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I didn't want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren't strong, but who wants to get beat up by a guy with that voice? That's not the most masculine voice to take a beating to.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jay Mohr" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/i-didn-t-want-to-fight-a-guy-from-england-what-if-i-lose-not-that/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/06d/jay-mohr-4777_beats_i-didn-t-want-to-fight-a-guy-from-englan_150094.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/06d/jay-mohr-4777_beats_i-didn-t-want-to-fight-a-guy-from-englan_150094.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/06d/jay-mohr-4777_beats_i-didn-t-want-to-fight-a-guy-from-englan_150094.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I didn't want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren't strong, but who…” — Jay Mohr", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "[Joan Rivers] is fantastic. AND SHE'S 80! There's no 80-year-old pitcher. If you're a running back and you're 28 they're like, \"Oh, here he goes, turning the corner on his career, he's on the downswing...\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jay Mohr" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/joan-rivers-is-fantastic-and-she-s-80-there-s-no-80-year-old-pitcher/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bcb/jay-mohr-4777_careers_joan-rivers-is-fantastic-and-she-s-80-th_2624197.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bcb/jay-mohr-4777_careers_joan-rivers-is-fantastic-and-she-s-80-th_2624197.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bcb/jay-mohr-4777_careers_joan-rivers-is-fantastic-and-she-s-80-th_2624197.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“[Joan Rivers] is fantastic. AND SHE'S 80! There's no 80-year-old pitcher. If you're a running back and…” — Jay Mohr", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jay Mohr" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/i-miss-third-grade-because-you-could-kill-people-in-dodgeball/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c2c/jay-mohr-4777_dies_i-miss-third-grade-because-you-could-kil_3073656.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c2c/jay-mohr-4777_dies_i-miss-third-grade-because-you-could-kil_3073656.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c2c/jay-mohr-4777_dies_i-miss-third-grade-because-you-could-kil_3073656.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're…” — Jay Mohr", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "You remember from watching the show, there are no \"jokes.\" That's why if you see people on Twitter accusing me of being a \"joke thief,\" I just tell them to come to one of my shows.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jay Mohr" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/you-remember-from-watching-the-show-there-are-no-jokes-that-s-why-if/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/59b/jay-mohr-4777_accusing_you-remember-from-watching-the-show-ther_5266.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/59b/jay-mohr-4777_accusing_you-remember-from-watching-the-show-ther_5266.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/59b/jay-mohr-4777_accusing_you-remember-from-watching-the-show-ther_5266.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“You remember from watching the show, there are no \"jokes.\" That's why if you see people on Twitter accusing…” — Jay Mohr", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they're drinking.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jay Mohr" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/if-you-think-you-re-an-alcoholic-go-to-scotland-you-re-not-an/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/38f/jay-mohr-4777_alcoholics_if-you-think-you-re-an-alcoholic-go-to-s_2974886.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/38f/jay-mohr-4777_alcoholics_if-you-think-you-re-an-alcoholic-go-to-s_2974886.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/38f/jay-mohr-4777_alcoholics_if-you-think-you-re-an-alcoholic-go-to-s_2974886.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken…” — Jay Mohr", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I created a human being from paper and I put it on the screen, a unique individual. I wish every performance, every IMDB credit, I would do it over, because I would do it better, because I would do it less. If that makes any sense.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jay Mohr" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/i-created-a-human-being-from-paper-and-i-put-it-on-the-screen-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/690/jay-mohr-4777_credit_i-created-a-human-being-from-paper-and-i_1110324.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/690/jay-mohr-4777_credit_i-created-a-human-being-from-paper-and-i_1110324.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/690/jay-mohr-4777_credit_i-created-a-human-being-from-paper-and-i_1110324.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I created a human being from paper and I put it on the screen, a unique individual. I wish every…” — Jay Mohr", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I don't know if you've ever been to England, but as soon as they find out you're from America, they hate you. They just think they're more sophisticated than we are. They're so pissed at us. You know what it is? They're mad because they lost the Revolutionary War, and they should be because there was only like nine of us.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jay Mohr" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/i-don-t-know-if-you-ve-ever-been-to-england-but-as-soon-as-they-find/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/826/jay-mohr-4777_america_i-don-t-know-if-you-ve-ever-been-to-engl_2049905.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/826/jay-mohr-4777_america_i-don-t-know-if-you-ve-ever-been-to-engl_2049905.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/826/jay-mohr-4777_america_i-don-t-know-if-you-ve-ever-been-to-engl_2049905.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I don't know if you've ever been to England, but as soon as they find out you're from America, they hate…” — Jay Mohr", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If there are 1,500 people in a theater and they're all there to see you, there are no other guys. You're the guy. So it is a monastic life, it is very lonely, if I was prone to loneliness. It's a lot like wrestling, no one can throw a block for you, no one can give you a pass. Nobody can hand the ball off to you, it's you only for an hour and a half every night.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jay Mohr" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/if-there-are-1-500-people-in-a-theater-and-they-re-all-there-to-see/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/544/jay-mohr-4777_balls_if-there-are-1-500-people-in-a-theater-a_319553.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/544/jay-mohr-4777_balls_if-there-are-1-500-people-in-a-theater-a_319553.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/544/jay-mohr-4777_balls_if-there-are-1-500-people-in-a-theater-a_319553.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If there are 1,500 people in a theater and they're all there to see you, there are no other guys. You're the…” — Jay Mohr", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 16, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "There is a person that says they invented the podcast and they are suing Adam Carolla, because he is the top of the hill, for patent infringement. If this person wins, Adam Carolla, Marc Maron, Joe Rogan, Jay Mohr, Chris Hardwick, it will all go away. So, it's kind of like when someone takes your name so you can't get it on Twitter, magnified times a billion.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jay Mohr" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/there-is-a-person-that-says-they-invented-the-podcast-and-they-are/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f1f/jay-mohr-4777_adam_there-is-a-person-that-says-they-invente_2834594.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f1f/jay-mohr-4777_adam_there-is-a-person-that-says-they-invente_2834594.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f1f/jay-mohr-4777_adam_there-is-a-person-that-says-they-invente_2834594.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“There is a person that says they invented the podcast and they are suing Adam Carolla, because he is the top…” — Jay Mohr", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 17, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "It's always a job when you're the reason they're assembling. If you're just doing shows and you're on a lineup with eight other guys, it's fun, it's great.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jay Mohr" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/it-s-always-a-job-when-you-re-the-reason-they-re-assembling-if-you-re/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c93/jay-mohr-4777_assembling_it-s-always-a-job-when-you-re-the-reason_1122606.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c93/jay-mohr-4777_assembling_it-s-always-a-job-when-you-re-the-reason_1122606.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c93/jay-mohr-4777_assembling_it-s-always-a-job-when-you-re-the-reason_1122606.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“It's always a job when you're the reason they're assembling. If you're just doing shows and you're on a…” — Jay Mohr", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 18, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The allure becomes, \"Can I make these rooms bigger?\" Can I fill these 1,500-seat rooms? Then the allure is, how much, if we're being honest, how much can I squeeze out of it financially?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jay Mohr" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/the-allure-becomes-can-i-make-these-rooms-bigger-can-i-fill-these-1/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9ab/jay-mohr-4777_allure_the-allure-becomes-can-i-make-these-room_1477894.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9ab/jay-mohr-4777_allure_the-allure-becomes-can-i-make-these-room_1477894.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9ab/jay-mohr-4777_allure_the-allure-becomes-can-i-make-these-room_1477894.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The allure becomes, \"Can I make these rooms bigger?\" Can I fill these 1,500-seat rooms? Then the allure is…” — Jay Mohr", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 19, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Long Island always seems to be the hardest place for some reason. There are always excuses. People will say, \"Well, there's a lot to do in Long Island...\" but you know what, if Jim Gaffigan was here, tickets would be gone a month ago, if Chelsea Handler was at the Barclays Center, gone.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jay Mohr" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/long-island-always-seems-to-be-the-hardest-place-for-some-reason/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/22d/jay-mohr-4777_chelsea_long-island-always-seems-to-be-the-harde_552590.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/22d/jay-mohr-4777_chelsea_long-island-always-seems-to-be-the-harde_552590.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/22d/jay-mohr-4777_chelsea_long-island-always-seems-to-be-the-harde_552590.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Long Island always seems to be the hardest place for some reason. There are always excuses. People will say…” — Jay Mohr", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 20, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you were an actor, anybody could go on Broadway and take a George Carlin hour and do it on stage as a one man show. They're all stand alone essays.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jay Mohr" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-mohr/if-you-were-an-actor-anybody-could-go-on-broadway-and-take-a-george/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/30a/jay-mohr-4777_actor_if-you-were-an-actor-anybody-could-go-on_762654.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/30a/jay-mohr-4777_actor_if-you-were-an-actor-anybody-could-go-on_762654.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/30a/jay-mohr-4777_actor_if-you-were-an-actor-anybody-could-go-on_762654.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you were an actor, anybody could go on Broadway and take a George Carlin hour and do it on stage as a one…” — Jay Mohr", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/jay-mohr/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/jay-mohr/", "name": "Ifs Quotes by Jay Mohr", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/jay-mohr/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f82/jay-mohr-4777_gratuity_if-a-waiter-or-waitress-tells-me-when-gr_501336.png" }, "description": "20 Ifs quotes by Jay Mohr. 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