--- title: "14 Ifs Quotes By James Thurber" description: "14 Ifs quotes by James Thurber. Plus more from James Thurber and more Ifs sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b01/james-thurber-1534_badge_if-you-are-a-police-dog-where-s-your-bad_2269912.png" --- > [If you are a police dog, where's your badge?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/if-you-are-a-police-dog-where-s-your-badge/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b01/james-thurber-1534_badge_if-you-are-a-police-dog-where-s-your-bad_2269912.png) > [If I have sometimes seemed to make fun of Woman, I assure you it has only been for the purpose of egging…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/if-i-have-sometimes-seemed-to-make-fun-of-woman-i-assure-you-it-has/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f1e/james-thurber-1534_fun_if-i-have-sometimes-seemed-to-make-fun-o_399134.png) > [If you wonder which is the stronger sex, watch which one twists the other around her little finger.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/if-you-wonder-which-is-the-stronger-sex-watch-which-one-twists-the/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37f/james-thurber-1534_fingers_if-you-wonder-which-is-the-stronger-sex_1922219.png) > [I don't believe the writer should know too much where he's going. If he does, he runs into old man blueprint—old man…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/i-don-t-believe-the-writer-should-know-too-much-where-he-s-going-if/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/051/james-thurber-1534_believe_i-don-t-believe-the-writer-should-know-t_1549261.png) > [I'm sixty-five and I guess that puts me in with the geriatrics, but if there were fifteen months in every year, I'd…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/i-m-sixty-five-and-i-guess-that-puts-me-in-with-the-geriatrics-but-if/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ed5/james-thurber-1534_age_i-m-sixty-five-and-i-guess-that-puts-me_1939224.png) > [If a playwright tried to see eye to eye with everybody, he would get the worst case of strabismus since Hannibal lost…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/if-a-playwright-tried-to-see-eye-to-eye-with-everybody-he-would-get/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/09a/james-thurber-1534_alps_if-a-playwright-tried-to-see-eye-to-eye_2741534.jpg) > [History is replete with proofs, from Cato the Elder to Kennedy the Younger, that if you scratch a statesman you find an…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/history-is-replete-with-proofs-from-cato-the-elder-to-kennedy-the/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/482/james-thurber-1534_actors_history-is-replete-with-proofs-from-cato_2795722.jpg) > [He had as much fun in the water as any person I have known. You didn't have to throw a stick in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/he-had-as-much-fun-in-the-water-as-any-person-i-have-known-you-didn-t/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/821/james-thurber-1534_courses_he-had-as-much-fun-in-the-water-as-any-p_2287311.png) > [Editing should be, especially in the case of old writers, a counseling rather than a collaborating task. The tendency of the writer-editor…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/editing-should-be-especially-in-the-case-of-old-writers-a-counseling/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/36b/james-thurber-1534_cases_editing-should-be-especially-in-the-case_509871.png) > [In an extensive reading of recent books by psychologists, psychoanalysts, psychiatrists, and inspirationalists, I have discovered that they all suffer from one…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/in-an-extensive-reading-of-recent-books-by-psychologists/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/817/james-thurber-1534_book_in-an-extensive-reading-of-recent-books_3188552.jpg) > [I have figured for you the distance between the horns of a dilemma, night and day, and A and Z. I have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/i-have-figured-for-you-the-distance-between-the-horns-of-a-dilemma/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/689/james-thurber-1534_bird_i-have-figured-for-you-the-distance-betw_608344.jpg) > [My grandmother lived the latter years of her life in the horrible suspicion that electricity was dripping invisibly all over the house.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/my-grandmother-lived-the-latter-years-of-her-life-in-the-horrible/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a54/james-thurber-1534_bulbs_my-grandmother-lived-the-latter-years-of_2939470.jpg) > [I never had a dog that showed a human fear of death. Death, to a dog, is the final unavoidable compulsion, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/i-never-had-a-dog-that-showed-a-human-fear-of-death-death-to-a-dog-is/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f84/james-thurber-1534_compulsion_i-never-had-a-dog-that-showed-a-human-fe_1736743.png) > [Every man is occasionally visited by the suspicion that the planet on which he is riding is not really going anywhere; that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/every-man-is-occasionally-visited-by-the-suspicion-that-the-planet-on/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/02d/james-thurber-1534_children_every-man-is-occasionally-visited-by-the_2485770.png) ## Other authors on Ifs ## More by James Thurber > [ Salvador \[Dali\] was brought up in Spain, a country colored by the legends of Hannibal, El Greco, and Cervantes. I was brought up in… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/salvador-dali-was-brought-up-in-spain-a-country-colored-by-the/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) > [“Her own mother lived the latter years of her life in the horrible suspicion that electricity was dripping invisibly all over the house.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/her-own-mother-lived-the-latter-years-of-her-life-in-the-horrible/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) > [“Against the may, the could be, and the should, folly 'tis to balance doubt or hope.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/against-the-may-the-could-be-and-the-should-folly-tis-to-balance/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) > [Love is the strange bewilderment that overtakes one person on account of another person.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/love-is-the-strange-bewilderment-that-overtakes-one-person-on-account/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) > [“ There was an old coddle so molly, He talked in a glot that was poly, His gaws were so gew That his laps…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/there-was-an-old-coddle-so-molly-he-talked-in-a-glot-that-was-poly/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) > [“you might as well fall on your face as lean over too far backwards”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/you-might-as-well-fall-on-your-face-as-lean-over-too-far-backwards/) [james thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) > [I myself have known some profoundly thoughtful dogs.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/i-myself-have-known-some-profoundly-thoughtful-dogs/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) > [He knows all about art, but he doesn't know what he likes.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/he-knows-all-about-art-but-he-doesn-t-know-what-he-likes/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) > [All men should strive to learn before they die, what they are running from, and to, and why.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/all-men-should-strive-to-learn-before-they-die-what-they-are-running/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) > [Quick, name some towns in New Jersey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/quick-name-some-towns-in-new-jersey/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) > [Looks can be deceiving; it's eating that's believing.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/looks-can-be-deceiving-it-s-eating-that-s-believing/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) > [“I don’t understand,” said the scientist, “why you lemmings all rush down to the sea and drown yourselves.” “How curious,” said the lemming. “The…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/i-don-t-understand-said-the-scientist-why-you-lemmings-all-rush-down/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) > [Humor does not include sarcasm, invalid irony, sardonicism, innuendo, or any other form of cruelty. When these things are raised to a high point…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/humor-does-not-include-sarcasm-invalid-irony-sardonicism-innuendo-or/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) > [Where most of us end up there is no knowing, but the hellbent get where they are going.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/where-most-of-us-end-up-there-is-no-knowing-but-the-hellbent-get/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) > [Comedy has to be done en clair. You can't blunt the edge of wit or the point of satire with obscurity. Try to imagine…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/comedy-has-to-be-done-en-clair-you-can-t-blunt-the-edge-of-wit-or-the/) [James Thurber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-thurber/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/james-thurber/#itemlist", "name": "14 Ifs Quotes By James Thurber", "numberOfItems": 14, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you are a police dog, where's your badge?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "James Thurber" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/if-you-are-a-police-dog-where-s-your-badge/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b01/james-thurber-1534_badge_if-you-are-a-police-dog-where-s-your-bad_2269912.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b01/james-thurber-1534_badge_if-you-are-a-police-dog-where-s-your-bad_2269912.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b01/james-thurber-1534_badge_if-you-are-a-police-dog-where-s-your-bad_2269912.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you are a police dog, where's your badge?” — James Thurber", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I have sometimes seemed to make fun of Woman, I assure you it has only been for the purpose of egging her on.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "James Thurber" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/if-i-have-sometimes-seemed-to-make-fun-of-woman-i-assure-you-it-has/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f1e/james-thurber-1534_fun_if-i-have-sometimes-seemed-to-make-fun-o_399134.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f1e/james-thurber-1534_fun_if-i-have-sometimes-seemed-to-make-fun-o_399134.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f1e/james-thurber-1534_fun_if-i-have-sometimes-seemed-to-make-fun-o_399134.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If I have sometimes seemed to make fun of Woman, I assure you it has only been for the purpose of egging her…” — James Thurber", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you wonder which is the stronger sex, watch which one twists the other around her little finger.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "James Thurber" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/if-you-wonder-which-is-the-stronger-sex-watch-which-one-twists-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37f/james-thurber-1534_fingers_if-you-wonder-which-is-the-stronger-sex_1922219.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37f/james-thurber-1534_fingers_if-you-wonder-which-is-the-stronger-sex_1922219.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37f/james-thurber-1534_fingers_if-you-wonder-which-is-the-stronger-sex_1922219.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you wonder which is the stronger sex, watch which one twists the other around her little finger.” — James Thurber", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I don't believe the writer should know too much where he's going. 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You didn't have to throw a stick in the water to get him to go in. Of course, he would bring back a stick to you if you did throw one in. He would even have brought back a piano if you had thrown one in.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "James Thurber" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/he-had-as-much-fun-in-the-water-as-any-person-i-have-known-you-didn-t/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/821/james-thurber-1534_courses_he-had-as-much-fun-in-the-water-as-any-p_2287311.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/821/james-thurber-1534_courses_he-had-as-much-fun-in-the-water-as-any-p_2287311.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/821/james-thurber-1534_courses_he-had-as-much-fun-in-the-water-as-any-p_2287311.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“He had as much fun in the water as any person I have known. You didn't have to throw a stick in the water to…” — James Thurber", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Editing should be, especially in the case of old writers, a counseling rather than a collaborating task. The tendency of the writer-editor to collaborate is natural, but he should say to himself, ''How can I help this writer to say it better in his own style?'' and avoid ''How can I show him how I would write it, if it were my piece?''", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "James Thurber" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/editing-should-be-especially-in-the-case-of-old-writers-a-counseling/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/36b/james-thurber-1534_cases_editing-should-be-especially-in-the-case_509871.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/36b/james-thurber-1534_cases_editing-should-be-especially-in-the-case_509871.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/36b/james-thurber-1534_cases_editing-should-be-especially-in-the-case_509871.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Editing should be, especially in the case of old writers, a counseling rather than a collaborating task. The…” — James Thurber", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "In an extensive reading of recent books by psychologists, psychoanalysts, psychiatrists, and inspirationalists, I have discovered that they all suffer from one or more of these expression-complexes: italicizing, capitalizing, exclamation-pointing, multiple-interrogating, and itemizing. These are all forms of what the psychos themselves would call, if they faced their condition frankly, Rhetorical-Over-Compensation.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "James Thurber" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/in-an-extensive-reading-of-recent-books-by-psychologists/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/817/james-thurber-1534_book_in-an-extensive-reading-of-recent-books_3188552.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/817/james-thurber-1534_book_in-an-extensive-reading-of-recent-books_3188552.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/817/james-thurber-1534_book_in-an-extensive-reading-of-recent-books_3188552.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“In an extensive reading of recent books by psychologists, psychoanalysts, psychiatrists, and…” — James Thurber", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I have figured for you the distance between the horns of a dilemma, night and day, and A and Z. I have computed how far is Up, how long it takes to get Away, and what becomes of Gone. I have discovered the length of the sea serpent, the price of priceless, and the square of the hippopotamus. I know where you are when you are at Sixes and Sevens, how much Is you have to have to make an Are, and how many birds you can catch with the salt in the ocean - 187,796,132, if it would interest you.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "James Thurber" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/i-have-figured-for-you-the-distance-between-the-horns-of-a-dilemma/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/689/james-thurber-1534_bird_i-have-figured-for-you-the-distance-betw_608344.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/689/james-thurber-1534_bird_i-have-figured-for-you-the-distance-betw_608344.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/689/james-thurber-1534_bird_i-have-figured-for-you-the-distance-betw_608344.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I have figured for you the distance between the horns of a dilemma, night and day, and A and Z. I have…” — James Thurber", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "My grandmother lived the latter years of her life in the horrible suspicion that electricity was dripping invisibly all over the house. It leaked, she contended, out of empty sockets if the wall switch had been left on. She would go around screwing in bulbs, and if they lighted up, she would fearfully turn off the wall switch and go back to her Pearson's or Everybody's, happy in the satisfaction that she had stopped not only a costly but dangerous leakage. nothing could ever clear this up for her.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "James Thurber" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/my-grandmother-lived-the-latter-years-of-her-life-in-the-horrible/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a54/james-thurber-1534_bulbs_my-grandmother-lived-the-latter-years-of_2939470.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a54/james-thurber-1534_bulbs_my-grandmother-lived-the-latter-years-of_2939470.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a54/james-thurber-1534_bulbs_my-grandmother-lived-the-latter-years-of_2939470.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My grandmother lived the latter years of her life in the horrible suspicion that electricity was dripping…” — James Thurber", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I never had a dog that showed a human fear of death. Death, to a dog, is the final unavoidable compulsion, the least ineluctable scent on a fearsome trail, but they like to face it alone, going out into the woods, among the leaves, if there are any leaves when their time comes, enduring without sentimental human distraction the Last Loneliness, which they are wise enough to know cannot be shared by anyone.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "James Thurber" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/i-never-had-a-dog-that-showed-a-human-fear-of-death-death-to-a-dog-is/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f84/james-thurber-1534_compulsion_i-never-had-a-dog-that-showed-a-human-fe_1736743.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f84/james-thurber-1534_compulsion_i-never-had-a-dog-that-showed-a-human-fe_1736743.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f84/james-thurber-1534_compulsion_i-never-had-a-dog-that-showed-a-human-fe_1736743.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I never had a dog that showed a human fear of death. Death, to a dog, is the final unavoidable compulsion…” — James Thurber", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Every man is occasionally visited by the suspicion that the planet on which he is riding is not really going anywhere; that the Force which controls its measured eccentricities hasn't got anything special in mind. If he broods on this somber theme long enough he gets the doleful idea that the laughing children on a merry-go-round or the thin, fine hands of a lady's watch are revolving more purposely than he is.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "James Thurber" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-thurber/every-man-is-occasionally-visited-by-the-suspicion-that-the-planet-on/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/02d/james-thurber-1534_children_every-man-is-occasionally-visited-by-the_2485770.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/02d/james-thurber-1534_children_every-man-is-occasionally-visited-by-the_2485770.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/02d/james-thurber-1534_children_every-man-is-occasionally-visited-by-the_2485770.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Every man is occasionally visited by the suspicion that the planet on which he is riding is not really going…” — James Thurber", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/james-thurber/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/james-thurber/", "name": "Ifs Quotes by James Thurber", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/james-thurber/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b01/james-thurber-1534_badge_if-you-are-a-police-dog-where-s-your-bad_2269912.png" }, "description": "14 Ifs quotes by James Thurber. 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