---
title: "13 Ifs Quotes By Gilbert Gottfried"
description: "13 Ifs quotes by Gilbert Gottfried. Plus more from Gilbert Gottfried and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ef1/gilbert-gottfried-7822_better_if-someone-else-is-paying-for-it-food-ju_384552.jpg"
---

> [If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/if-someone-else-is-paying-for-it-food-just-tastes-a-lot-better/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ef1/gilbert-gottfried-7822_better_if-someone-else-is-paying-for-it-food-ju_384552.jpg)

> [If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/if-you-have-the-old-testament-at-home-if-you-flip-the-corner-pages/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7a2/gilbert-gottfried-7822_bible_if-you-have-the-old-testament-at-home-if_612765.jpg)

> [If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/if-they-d-wanted-a-nice-parrot-they-wouldn-t-have-asked-for-me/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e43/gilbert-gottfried-7822_ifs_if-they-d-wanted-a-nice-parrot-they-woul_858245.jpg)

> [With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/with-the-internet-if-you-erase-something-it-just-means-you-have-to/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/279/gilbert-gottfried-7822_another_with-the-internet-if-you-erase-something_2896006.jpg)

> [If someone says that I'm the best at anything, I always just agree with them. I'm certainly not gonna argue.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/if-someone-says-that-i-m-the-best-at-anything-i-always-just-agree/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/522/gilbert-gottfried-7822_agree_if-someone-says-that-i-m-the-best-at-any_890887.jpg)

> [Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work 'blue.' If you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/some-comedians-tell-nice-jokes-that-you-can-tell-to-your-kids-some/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4a2/gilbert-gottfried-7822_bad_some-comedians-tell-nice-jokes-that-you_2561064.jpg)

> [I always feel that most political jokes, if you're going to do them, you have to do them within the next five…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/i-always-feel-that-most-political-jokes-if-you-re-going-to-do-them/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/912/gilbert-gottfried-7822_always_i-always-feel-that-most-political-jokes_889492.jpg)

> [Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/every-time-you-open-the-paper-now-there-seems-to-be-another-celebrity/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c83/gilbert-gottfried-7822_crime_every-time-you-open-the-paper-now-there_1090768.jpg)

> [If you're a lead actor, people are just waiting to say 'you're too old' or 'you're too unhip.' If you're a supporting…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/if-you-re-a-lead-actor-people-are-just-waiting-to-say-you-re-too-old/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e94/gilbert-gottfried-7822_actor_if-you-re-a-lead-actor-people-are-just-w_1685717.jpg)

> [I'm terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I'm not working, I wake up and figure out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/i-m-terrible-when-i-have-to-fill-up-free-time-my-days-if-i-m-not/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/797/gilbert-gottfried-7822_days_i-m-terrible-when-i-have-to-fill-up-free_1204640.jpg)

> [I was Jewish, through and through, although in our house that didn't mean a whole lot. We never went to synagogue. I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/i-was-jewish-through-and-through-although-in-our-house-that-didn-t/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/588/gilbert-gottfried-7822_although_i-was-jewish-through-and-through-althoug_2208034.jpg)

> [I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/i-have-always-felt-comedy-and-tragedy-are-roommates-if-you-look-up/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c62/gilbert-gottfried-7822_always_i-have-always-felt-comedy-and-tragedy-ar_1335779.jpg)

> [If a comedian tells a joke that you find funny, you laugh. If he tells a joke you do not find funny,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/if-a-comedian-tells-a-joke-that-you-find-funny-you-laugh-if-he-tells-2/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/550/gilbert-gottfried-7822_comedian_if-a-comedian-tells-a-joke-that-you-find_3100040.jpg)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by Gilbert Gottfried

> [I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/i-can-t-even-find-someone-for-a-platonic-relationship-much-less-the/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

> [With Katrina, it's almost like the sequel that doesn't live up to the original. It's certainly a shocking event and a tragedy, but somehow…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/with-katrina-it-s-almost-like-the-sequel-that-doesn-t-live-up-to-the/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

> [I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/i-ve-never-been-one-of-those-who-wanted-to-fill-my-calendar-up-90/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

> [I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/i-predict-one-of-these-two-teams-will-win-the-super-bowl/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

> [I think of Alan Thicke as Perry Como without the excitement.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/i-think-of-alan-thicke-as-perry-como-without-the-excitement/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

> [I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you're in Paris, right outside your window is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/i-always-wish-the-hotels-were-like-they-are-in-movies-and-tv-shows/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

> [If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/if-the-police-ever-try-to-pick-me-up-michael-jackson-told-me-i-can/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

> [I remember being at the premiere of 'Beverly Hills Cop II' and the tremendous reaction from the crowd outside, then going to a party…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/i-remember-being-at-the-premiere-of-beverly-hills-cop-ii-and-the/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

> [Unfortunately, I've never been mistaken as Johnny Depp.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/unfortunately-i-ve-never-been-mistaken-as-johnny-depp/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

> [If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/if-someone-else-is-paying-for-it-food-just-tastes-a-lot-better/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

> [I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/i-just-don-t-accept-midgets-as-human-beings-there-s-only-so-much/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

> [People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/people-have-many-theories-about-comedy-but-being-just-plain-funny-is/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

> [I found out about Jonathan Winters death a day after it happened. That seems wrong. A talent like his should be more revered. The…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/i-found-out-about-jonathan-winters-death-a-day-after-it-happened-that/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

> [There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/there-are-certain-things-i-don-t-want-to-joke-about-if-it-s-about/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

> [If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-gottfried/if-you-have-the-old-testament-at-home-if-you-flip-the-corner-pages/)

[Gilbert Gottfried](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-gottfried/)

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                        "text": "I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like it's crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like it's laughing. Nowadays, we would say, 'How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.'",
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                        "text": "If a comedian tells a joke that you find funny, you laugh. If he tells a joke you do not find funny, dont laugh. Or you could possibly go as far as groaning or rolling your eyes. Then you wait for his next joke; if thats funny, then you laugh. If its not, you dont laugh - or at very worst, you can leave quietly.",
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