---
title: "115 Ifs Quotes By George Carlin"
description: "115 Ifs quotes by George Carlin. Plus more from George Carlin and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/174/george-carlin-155_hammers_if-you-nail-a-tool-shed-closed-how-do-yo_1418619.jpg"
---

> [If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-you-nail-a-tool-shed-closed-how-do-you-put-the-hammer-away/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/174/george-carlin-155_hammers_if-you-nail-a-tool-shed-closed-how-do-yo_1418619.jpg)

> [If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-it-requires-a-uniform-it-s-a-worthless-endeavor/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/478/george-carlin-155_endeavor_if-it-requires-a-uniform-it-s-a-worthles_2692234.jpg)

> [If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-a-pig-loses-its-voice-is-it-disgruntled/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e2a/george-carlin-155_disgruntled_if-a-pig-loses-its-voice-is-it-disgruntl_578070.jpg)

> [If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-god-is-all-powerful-can-he-make-a-stone-so-big-that-he-himself-can/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/49c/george-carlin-155_bigs_if-god-is-all-powerful-can-he-make-a-sto_2933910.jpg)

> [If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-this-is-the-best-god-can-do-i-m-not-impressed/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/75e/george-carlin-155_atheism_if-this-is-the-best-god-can-do-i-m-not-i_2125279.jpg)

> [People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/people-tell-you-to-have-a-safe-trip-as-if-you-have-some-control-over/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/84a/george-carlin-155_ifs_people-tell-you-to-have-a-safe-trip-as-i_554292.jpg)

> [The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/the-sicker-you-get-the-harder-it-is-to-remember-if-you-took-your/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/694/george-carlin-155_harder_the-sicker-you-get-the-harder-it-is-to-r_2461514.jpg)

> [A dog has no shame. If he can do it, you can watch.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/a-dog-has-no-shame-if-he-can-do-it-you-can-watch/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/df0/george-carlin-155_animal_a-dog-has-no-shame-if-he-can-do-it-you-c_182191.jpg)

> [If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-someone-loves-you-and-they-leave-and-don-t-come-back-it-was-never/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/97b/george-carlin-155_fire_if-someone-loves-you-and-they-leave-and_212373.jpg)

> [How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/how-can-it-be-a-spy-satellite-if-they-announce-on-television-that-it/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/77b/george-carlin-155_ifs_how-can-it-be-a-spy-satellite-if-they-an_1882444.jpg)

> [Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/life-is-sacred-who-said-so-god-hey-if-you-read-history-you-realize/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/595/george-carlin-155_causes_life-is-sacred-who-said-so-god-hey-if-yo_642157.jpg)

> [If you're looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-you-re-looking-for-self-help-why-would-you-read-a-book-written-by/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e1e/george-carlin-155_book_if-you-re-looking-for-self-help-why-woul_2734363.jpg)

> [If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-you-ve-got-a-cat-and-a-leg-you-ve-got-a-happy-cat-if-you-ve-got-a/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/42b/george-carlin-155_cat_if-you-ve-got-a-cat-and-a-leg-you-ve-got_201386.jpg)

> [What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/what-exactly-is-viewer-discretion-if-viewers-had-discretion-most/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b12/george-carlin-155_air_what-exactly-is-viewer-discretion-if-vie_1951873.jpg)

> [Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/language-is-a-tool-for-concealing-the-truth-if-we-could-read-each/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e20/george-carlin-155_concealing_language-is-a-tool-for-concealing-the-tr_2558406.jpg)

> [If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-you-want-to-get-rid-of-counterfeit-money-put-it-in-the-collection/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/42e/george-carlin-155_church_if-you-want-to-get-rid-of-counterfeit-mo_2448551.jpg)

> [I think you can talk about anything if the context is correctly arranged. If you set up the context and you bring…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-think-you-can-talk-about-anything-if-the-context-is-correctly/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/88f/george-carlin-155_audience_i-think-you-can-talk-about-anything-if-t_894271.jpg)

> [The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/the-things-that-matter-in-this-country-have-been-reduced-in-choice/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a6e/george-carlin-155_bagels_the-things-that-matter-in-this-country-h_1133857.jpg)

> [The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/the-more-complicated-the-order-the-bigger-the-asshole-if-you-walk/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fe3/george-carlin-155_bigger_the-more-complicated-the-order-the-bigge_1677611.jpg)

> [When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/when-something-is-new-and-improved-which-is-it-if-it-s-new-then-there-2/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b31/george-carlin-155_funny_when-something-is-new-and-improved-which_2612599.jpg)

> [I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-don-t-like-the-phrase-shock-value-surprise-is-essential-in-comedy/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eb0/george-carlin-155_comedy_i-don-t-like-the-phrase-shock-value-surp_2408859.jpg)

> [If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-a-word-is-misspelled-in-the-dictionary-how-would-we-ever-know-if/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d4/george-carlin-155_dictionary_if-a-word-is-misspelled-in-the-dictionar_578215.jpg)

> [There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/there-are-two-types-of-people-one-strives-to-control-his-environment/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bcb/george-carlin-155_dream_there-are-two-types-of-people-one-strive_1444435.jpg)

> [Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/do-you-realize-that-the-only-time-in-our-lives-when-we-like-to-get/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/305/george-carlin-155_aging_do-you-realize-that-the-only-time-in-our_1112681.jpg)

> [So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/so-about-80-years-after-the-constitution-is-ratified-the-slaves-are/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b2e/george-carlin-155_civil-war_so-about-80-years-after-the-constitution_1823675.jpg)

> [In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/in-football-the-object-is-for-the-quarterback-also-known-as-the-field/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b2f/george-carlin-155_accuracy_in-football-the-object-is-for-the-quarte_1612944.jpg)

> [I like good ideas. I don't want just do something for it's own sake to bother people, but if I can bother…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-like-good-ideas-i-don-t-want-just-do-something-for-it-s-own-sake-to/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f3e/george-carlin-155_approach_i-like-good-ideas-i-don-t-want-just-do-s_2794204.jpg)

> [If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-you-take-five-white-guys-and-put-em-with-five-black-guys-and-let/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa1/george-carlin-155_bigs_if-you-take-five-white-guys-and-put-em-w_2118652.jpg)

> [I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here are a few I would…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-think-the-warning-labels-on-alcoholic-beverages-are-too-bland-they-2/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/db2/george-carlin-155_alcohol_i-think-the-warning-labels-on-alcoholic_1346021.jpg)

> [If you dropped me off a space platform onto the ground where a line was drawn, I would fall to the left…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-you-dropped-me-off-a-space-platform-onto-the-ground-where-a-line/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4ae/george-carlin-155_acquire_if-you-dropped-me-off-a-space-platform-o_57110.jpg)

> [I'm not in show business because I don't have to go to the meetings, I'm just not a part of it, I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-m-not-in-show-business-because-i-don-t-have-to-go-to-the-meetings-i/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/749/george-carlin-155_business_i-m-not-in-show-business-because-i-don-t_1670923.jpg)

> [The two big mistakes were the belief in a sky god - that there's a man in the sky with 10 things…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/the-two-big-mistakes-were-the-belief-in-a-sky-god-that-there-s-a-man/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/70d/george-carlin-155_atheism_the-two-big-mistakes-were-the-belief-in_2206982.jpg)

> [If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-people-stand-in-a-circle-long-enough-they-ll-eventually-begin-to/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0df/george-carlin-155_circle_if-people-stand-in-a-circle-long-enough_2909384.jpg)

> [If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-work-is-so-terrific-how-come-they-have-to-pay-you-to-do-it/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7db/george-carlin-155_ifs_if-work-is-so-terrific-how-come-they-hav_2214832.jpg)

> [If voting changed anything, it would be illegal.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-voting-changed-anything-it-would-be-illegal/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b0f/george-carlin-155_changed_if-voting-changed-anything-it-would-be-i_1311833.jpg)

> [If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-the-cops-didn-t-see-it-i-didn-t-do-it/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1fd/george-carlin-155_cop_if-the-cops-didn-t-see-it-i-didn-t-do-it_1463950.jpg)

> [If you're reading it in a book, folks, it ain't self-help. It's help.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-you-re-reading-it-in-a-book-folks-it-ain-t-self-help-it-s-help/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a68/george-carlin-155_book_if-you-re-reading-it-in-a-book-folks-it_1681739.jpg)

> [If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-at-first-you-don-t-succeed-redefine-success/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/19e/george-carlin-155_anniversary_if-at-first-you-don-t-succeed-redefine-s_2029563.jpg)

> [If the 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still 2?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-the-2-pencil-is-the-most-popular-why-is-it-still-2/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/81d/george-carlin-155_ifs_if-the-2-pencil-is-the-most-popular-why_1498559.jpg)

> [If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-you-live-long-enough-sooner-or-later-everybody-you-know-has-cancer/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ec3/george-carlin-155_cancer_if-you-live-long-enough-sooner-or-later_498038.jpg)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by George Carlin

> [I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-never-go-anywhere-or-do-anything-that-transports-me-outside-the/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/with-the-proper-training-i-could-ve-been-an-evil-genius/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/comedy-although-it-is-not-one-of-the-fine-arts-it-s-a-vulgar-art-it-s/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-m-completely-in-favor-of-the-separation-of-church-and-state-these/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/tomorrow-is-another-day-not-true-today-is-another-day-we-have-no-idea/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-was-a-loner-as-a-child-i-had-an-imaginary-friend-i-didn-t-bother/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/kilometers-are-shorter-than-miles-save-gas-take-your-next-trip-in/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-you-guys-want-to-get-a-mom-tattoo-and-save-a-little-money-just-get/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/you-ve-built-up-so-much-speed-that-you-hit-70-after-that-it-s-a-day/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/it-ended-suddenly-for-brenda-more-slowly-for-me-my-runs-began-getting/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [Is there another word for synonym?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/is-there-another-word-for-synonym/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/the-whole-idea-of-the-pursuit-of-goods-and-possessions-has-completely/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/these-days-many-politicians-are-demanding-change-just-like-homeless/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/you-know-the-good-part-about-all-those-executions-in-texas-fewer/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [What was the best thing before sliced bread?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/what-was-the-best-thing-before-sliced-bread/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

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                        "text": "The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.",
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                        "text": "I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word?",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I've ever heard one: \"Civil War.\" Do you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war? \"Say, pardon me?\" (shoots gun) \"I'm awfully sorry. Awfully sorry.\"",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use the shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line. In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! I hope I'll be safe at home!",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I like good ideas. I don't want just do something for it's own sake to bother people, but if I can bother them with a logical argument about something they have agreed to in society simplistically - like children are sacred, the cult of the child, this cult of professional parenthood, and of course religion, and respect for policemen and the law, and all of these untouchable areas. I like attacking those beliefs, but in with good sound thinking, and an unusual approach.",
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                            "caption": "“I like good ideas. I don't want just do something for it's own sake to bother people, but if I can bother…” — George Carlin",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. You'll never see the black guys going, \"Oh, golly! We won the big game today, yes sir!\" But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, \"What's happenin'?\"",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here are a few I would suggest: \"Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.\"; \"Drinking will significantly improve your chances of murdering a loved one.\"; \"If you drink long enough, at some point you will vomit up the lining of your stomach.\"; \"Use this product and you may wake up in Morocco wearing a cowboy suit and tongue-kissing a transmission salesman.\"",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "If you dropped me off a space platform onto the ground where a line was drawn, I would fall to the left side of it. I believe the difference between right and left is that the right, for the most part, the bulk of their philosophy is interested in property, and the rights of people to own property and gain and acquire and keep property. And I think on the left - though they blend and mix - on the left primarily you will find people who are more concerned about humans, and the human condition, and what can be done.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I'm not in show business because I don't have to go to the meetings, I'm just not a part of it, I don't belong to it. When you \"belong\" to something. You want to think about that word, \"belong.\" People should think about that: it means they own you. If you belong to something it owns you, and I just don't care for that. I like spinning out here like one of those subatomic particles that they can't quite pin down.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "The two big mistakes were the belief in a sky god - that there's a man in the sky with 10 things he doesn't want you to do and you'll burn for a long time if you do them - and private property, which I think is at the core of our failure as a species. That's the source of my indignations, my dissatisfactions, however it comes out on the stage. I feel betrayed by the people I'm part of, these creatures, these magnificent creatures.",
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