---
title: "17 Ifs Quotes By George Burns"
description: "17 Ifs quotes by George Burns. Plus more from George Burns and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/97e/george-burns-2737_age_i-smoke-cigars-because-at-my-age-if-i-do_416257.png"
---

> [I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/i-smoke-cigars-because-at-my-age-if-i-don-t-have-something-to-hang-on/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/97e/george-burns-2737_age_i-smoke-cigars-because-at-my-age-if-i-do_416257.png)

> [If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/if-i-paid-ten-dollars-for-a-cigar-first-i-d-make-love-to-it-then-i-d/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c3d/george-burns-2737_cigar_if-i-paid-ten-dollars-for-a-cigar-first_943387.png)

> [If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/if-i-paid-3-or-4-for-a-cigar-first-i-d-sleep-with-it/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0f0/george-burns-2737_cigar_if-i-paid-3-or-4-for-a-cigar-first-i-d-s_2327243.png)

> [It's better to be happy doing something you love, even if you don't find success right away.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/it-s-better-to-be-happy-doing-something-you-love-even-if-you-don-t/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/05b/george-burns-2737_happiness_it-s-better-to-be-happy-doing-something_1246024.png)

> [I don't care what you do for a living. If you love it, you are a success.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/i-don-t-care-what-you-do-for-a-living-if-you-love-it-you-are-a-success/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6c2/george-burns-2737_care_i-don-t-care-what-you-do-for-a-living-if_1257382.png)

> [I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/i-get-up-every-morning-and-read-the-obituary-column-if-my-name-s-not/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ae3/george-burns-2737_breakfast_i-get-up-every-morning-and-read-the-obit_1791083.png)

> [If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/if-you-stay-in-the-business-long-enough-and-get-to-be-old-enough-you/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8e2/george-burns-2737_business_if-you-stay-in-the-business-long-enough_765452.png)

> [Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it ... like lunch or dinner.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/dress-simply-if-you-wear-a-dinner-jacket-don-t-wear-anything-else-on/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0d9/george-burns-2737_advice_dress-simply-if-you-wear-a-dinner-jacket_2683599.png)

> [If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/if-i-had-taken-my-doctor-s-advice-and-quit-smoking-when-he-advised-me/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/82e/george-burns-2737_advice_if-i-had-taken-my-doctor-s-advice-and-qu_3145997.png)

> [In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/in-those-days-the-best-painkiller-was-ice-it-wasn-t-addictive-and-it/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/348/george-burns-2737_funny_in-those-days-the-best-painkiller-was-ic_1487836.png)

> [I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/i-use-the-cigar-for-timing-purposes-if-i-tell-a-joke-i-smoke-as-long/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ed2/george-burns-2737_cigar_i-use-the-cigar-for-timing-purposes-if-i_2567403.png)

> [I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/i-d-say-that-about-82-percent-of-what-i-write-is-bad-but-don-t-go-by/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d46/george-burns-2737_book_i-d-say-that-about-82-percent-of-what-i_496313.png)

> [When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/when-we-played-the-back-end-of-a-horse-we-always-knew-that-if-we/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b77/george-burns-2737_ends_when-we-played-the-back-end-of-a-horse-w_1307419.png)

> [Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/well-anybody-can-be-a-straight-man-if-he-hears-well-you-just-have-to/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/024/george-burns-2737_comedian_well-anybody-can-be-a-straight-man-if-he_2012578.png)

> [If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/if-i-get-big-laughs-i-m-a-comedian-if-i-get-little-laughs-i-m-a/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/18d/george-burns-2737_bigs_if-i-get-big-laughs-i-m-a-comedian-if-i_1330518.png)

> [When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/when-asked-in-his-late-90s-if-his-doctor-knew-he-still-smoked-burns/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f0c/george-burns-2737_doctors_when-asked-in-his-late-90s-if-his-doctor_1702576.png)

> [If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/if-you-were-married-to-marilyn-monroe-you-d-cheat-with-some-ugly-girl/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/83e/george-burns-2737_cheat_if-you-were-married-to-marilyn-monroe-yo_82831.png)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by George Burns

> [Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/everyday-happiness-means-getting-up-in-the-morning-and-you-can-t-wait/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

> [Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/being-an-actor-is-easy-just-picture-someone-in-a-room-and-you-outside/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

> [Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/sex-can-be-fun-after-eighty-after-ninety-and-after-lunch/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

> [Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/too-bad-all-the-people-who-know-how-to-run-this-country-are-busy/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

> [At my age flowers scare me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/at-my-age-flowers-scare-me/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

> [I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/i-was-brought-up-to-respect-my-elders-so-now-i-don-t-have-to-respect/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

> [What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/what-actresses-do-today-when-they-appear-on-the-screen-is-what-they/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

> [If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/if-you-were-married-to-marilyn-monroe-you-d-cheat-with-some-ugly-girl/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

> [I find you have to take each day as it comes and be thankful for who's left and whatever you can still do.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/i-find-you-have-to-take-each-day-as-it-comes-and-be-thankful-for-who/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

> [Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/take-care-not-to-wear-stripes-that-are-out-of-sync-with-your-wrinkles/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

> [ By \[age\] 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/by-age-93-i-had-shrunk-quite-a-lot-my-car-was-known-as-the-phantom/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

> [I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/i-drink-coffee-with-my-right-hand-and-i-smoke-with-my-left-but-i-talk/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

> [Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/nice-to-be-here-at-my-age-it-s-nice-to-be-anywhere/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

> [Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/be-sure-to-wear-a-good-cologne-a-nice-aftershave-lotion-and-a-strong/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

> [My best advice: Fall in love with what you do for a living.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/my-best-advice-fall-in-love-with-what-you-do-for-a-living/)

[George Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-burns/)

```json
{
    "@context": "https://schema.org",
    "@graph": [
        {
            "@type": "ItemList",
            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/george-burns/#itemlist",
            "name": "17 Ifs Quotes By George Burns",
            "numberOfItems": 17,
            "itemListElement": [
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 1,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "George Burns"
                        },
                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/i-smoke-cigars-because-at-my-age-if-i-don-t-have-something-to-hang-on/",
                        "image": {
                            "@type": "ImageObject",
                            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/97e/george-burns-2737_age_i-smoke-cigars-because-at-my-age-if-i-do_416257.png",
                            "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/97e/george-burns-2737_age_i-smoke-cigars-because-at-my-age-if-i-do_416257.png",
                            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/97e/george-burns-2737_age_i-smoke-cigars-because-at-my-age-if-i-do_416257.png",
                            "width": 1080,
                            "height": 1080,
                            "caption": "“I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.” — George Burns",
                            "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes",
                            "creator": {
                                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization"
                            }
                        }
                    }
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 2,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "George Burns"
                        },
                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/if-i-paid-ten-dollars-for-a-cigar-first-i-d-make-love-to-it-then-i-d/",
                        "image": {
                            "@type": "ImageObject",
                            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c3d/george-burns-2737_cigar_if-i-paid-ten-dollars-for-a-cigar-first_943387.png",
                            "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c3d/george-burns-2737_cigar_if-i-paid-ten-dollars-for-a-cigar-first_943387.png",
                            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c3d/george-burns-2737_cigar_if-i-paid-ten-dollars-for-a-cigar-first_943387.png",
                            "width": 1080,
                            "height": 1080,
                            "caption": "“If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.” — George Burns",
                            "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes",
                            "creator": {
                                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization"
                            }
                        }
                    }
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 3,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "George Burns"
                        },
                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/if-i-paid-3-or-4-for-a-cigar-first-i-d-sleep-with-it/",
                        "image": {
                            "@type": "ImageObject",
                            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0f0/george-burns-2737_cigar_if-i-paid-3-or-4-for-a-cigar-first-i-d-s_2327243.png",
                            "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0f0/george-burns-2737_cigar_if-i-paid-3-or-4-for-a-cigar-first-i-d-s_2327243.png",
                            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0f0/george-burns-2737_cigar_if-i-paid-3-or-4-for-a-cigar-first-i-d-s_2327243.png",
                            "width": 1080,
                            "height": 1080,
                            "caption": "“If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.” — George Burns",
                            "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes",
                            "creator": {
                                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization"
                            }
                        }
                    }
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 4,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "It's better to be happy doing something you love, even if you don't find success right away.",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "George Burns"
                        },
                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/it-s-better-to-be-happy-doing-something-you-love-even-if-you-don-t/",
                        "image": {
                            "@type": "ImageObject",
                            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/05b/george-burns-2737_happiness_it-s-better-to-be-happy-doing-something_1246024.png",
                            "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/05b/george-burns-2737_happiness_it-s-better-to-be-happy-doing-something_1246024.png",
                            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/05b/george-burns-2737_happiness_it-s-better-to-be-happy-doing-something_1246024.png",
                            "width": 1080,
                            "height": 1080,
                            "caption": "“It's better to be happy doing something you love, even if you don't find success right away.” — George Burns",
                            "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes",
                            "creator": {
                                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization"
                            }
                        }
                    }
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 5,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I don't care what you do for a living. If you love it, you are a success.",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "George Burns"
                        },
                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/i-don-t-care-what-you-do-for-a-living-if-you-love-it-you-are-a-success/",
                        "image": {
                            "@type": "ImageObject",
                            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6c2/george-burns-2737_care_i-don-t-care-what-you-do-for-a-living-if_1257382.png",
                            "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6c2/george-burns-2737_care_i-don-t-care-what-you-do-for-a-living-if_1257382.png",
                            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6c2/george-burns-2737_care_i-don-t-care-what-you-do-for-a-living-if_1257382.png",
                            "width": 1080,
                            "height": 1080,
                            "caption": "“I don't care what you do for a living. If you love it, you are a success.” — George Burns",
                            "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes",
                            "creator": {
                                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization"
                            }
                        }
                    }
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 6,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "George Burns"
                        },
                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/i-get-up-every-morning-and-read-the-obituary-column-if-my-name-s-not/",
                        "image": {
                            "@type": "ImageObject",
                            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ae3/george-burns-2737_breakfast_i-get-up-every-morning-and-read-the-obit_1791083.png",
                            "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ae3/george-burns-2737_breakfast_i-get-up-every-morning-and-read-the-obit_1791083.png",
                            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ae3/george-burns-2737_breakfast_i-get-up-every-morning-and-read-the-obit_1791083.png",
                            "width": 1080,
                            "height": 1080,
                            "caption": "“I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.” — George Burns",
                            "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes",
                            "creator": {
                                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization"
                            }
                        }
                    }
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 7,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "George Burns"
                        },
                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/if-you-stay-in-the-business-long-enough-and-get-to-be-old-enough-you/",
                        "image": {
                            "@type": "ImageObject",
                            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8e2/george-burns-2737_business_if-you-stay-in-the-business-long-enough_765452.png",
                            "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8e2/george-burns-2737_business_if-you-stay-in-the-business-long-enough_765452.png",
                            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8e2/george-burns-2737_business_if-you-stay-in-the-business-long-enough_765452.png",
                            "width": 1080,
                            "height": 1080,
                            "caption": "“If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.” — George Burns",
                            "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes",
                            "creator": {
                                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization"
                            }
                        }
                    }
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 8,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it ... like lunch or dinner.",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "George Burns"
                        },
                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/dress-simply-if-you-wear-a-dinner-jacket-don-t-wear-anything-else-on/",
                        "image": {
                            "@type": "ImageObject",
                            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0d9/george-burns-2737_advice_dress-simply-if-you-wear-a-dinner-jacket_2683599.png",
                            "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0d9/george-burns-2737_advice_dress-simply-if-you-wear-a-dinner-jacket_2683599.png",
                            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0d9/george-burns-2737_advice_dress-simply-if-you-wear-a-dinner-jacket_2683599.png",
                            "width": 1080,
                            "height": 1080,
                            "caption": "“Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it ... like lunch or dinner.” — George Burns",
                            "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes",
                            "creator": {
                                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization"
                            }
                        }
                    }
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 9,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "George Burns"
                        },
                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/if-i-had-taken-my-doctor-s-advice-and-quit-smoking-when-he-advised-me/",
                        "image": {
                            "@type": "ImageObject",
                            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/82e/george-burns-2737_advice_if-i-had-taken-my-doctor-s-advice-and-qu_3145997.png",
                            "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/82e/george-burns-2737_advice_if-i-had-taken-my-doctor-s-advice-and-qu_3145997.png",
                            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/82e/george-burns-2737_advice_if-i-had-taken-my-doctor-s-advice-and-qu_3145997.png",
                            "width": 1080,
                            "height": 1080,
                            "caption": "“If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his…” — George Burns",
                            "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes",
                            "creator": {
                                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization"
                            }
                        }
                    }
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 10,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "George Burns"
                        },
                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/in-those-days-the-best-painkiller-was-ice-it-wasn-t-addictive-and-it/",
                        "image": {
                            "@type": "ImageObject",
                            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/348/george-burns-2737_funny_in-those-days-the-best-painkiller-was-ic_1487836.png",
                            "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/348/george-burns-2737_funny_in-those-days-the-best-painkiller-was-ic_1487836.png",
                            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/348/george-burns-2737_funny_in-those-days-the-best-painkiller-was-ic_1487836.png",
                            "width": 1080,
                            "height": 1080,
                            "caption": "“In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you…” — George Burns",
                            "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes",
                            "creator": {
                                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization"
                            }
                        }
                    }
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 11,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "George Burns"
                        },
                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/i-use-the-cigar-for-timing-purposes-if-i-tell-a-joke-i-smoke-as-long/",
                        "image": {
                            "@type": "ImageObject",
                            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ed2/george-burns-2737_cigar_i-use-the-cigar-for-timing-purposes-if-i_2567403.png",
                            "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ed2/george-burns-2737_cigar_i-use-the-cigar-for-timing-purposes-if-i_2567403.png",
                            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ed2/george-burns-2737_cigar_i-use-the-cigar-for-timing-purposes-if-i_2567403.png",
                            "width": 1080,
                            "height": 1080,
                            "caption": "“I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop…” — George Burns",
                            "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes",
                            "creator": {
                                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization"
                            }
                        }
                    }
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 12,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "George Burns"
                        },
                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/i-d-say-that-about-82-percent-of-what-i-write-is-bad-but-don-t-go-by/",
                        "image": {
                            "@type": "ImageObject",
                            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d46/george-burns-2737_book_i-d-say-that-about-82-percent-of-what-i_496313.png",
                            "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d46/george-burns-2737_book_i-d-say-that-about-82-percent-of-what-i_496313.png",
                            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d46/george-burns-2737_book_i-d-say-that-about-82-percent-of-what-i_496313.png",
                            "width": 1080,
                            "height": 1080,
                            "caption": "“I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a…” — George Burns",
                            "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes",
                            "creator": {
                                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization"
                            }
                        }
                    }
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 13,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could become the front end.",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "George Burns"
                        },
                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/when-we-played-the-back-end-of-a-horse-we-always-knew-that-if-we/",
                        "image": {
                            "@type": "ImageObject",
                            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b77/george-burns-2737_ends_when-we-played-the-back-end-of-a-horse-w_1307419.png",
                            "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b77/george-burns-2737_ends_when-we-played-the-back-end-of-a-horse-w_1307419.png",
                            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b77/george-burns-2737_ends_when-we-played-the-back-end-of-a-horse-w_1307419.png",
                            "width": 1080,
                            "height": 1080,
                            "caption": "“When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could…” — George Burns",
                            "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes",
                            "creator": {
                                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization"
                            }
                        }
                    }
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 14,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "George Burns"
                        },
                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/well-anybody-can-be-a-straight-man-if-he-hears-well-you-just-have-to/",
                        "image": {
                            "@type": "ImageObject",
                            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/024/george-burns-2737_comedian_well-anybody-can-be-a-straight-man-if-he_2012578.png",
                            "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/024/george-burns-2737_comedian_well-anybody-can-be-a-straight-man-if-he_2012578.png",
                            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/024/george-burns-2737_comedian_well-anybody-can-be-a-straight-man-if-he_2012578.png",
                            "width": 1080,
                            "height": 1080,
                            "caption": "“Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just…” — George Burns",
                            "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes",
                            "creator": {
                                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization"
                            }
                        }
                    }
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 15,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "George Burns"
                        },
                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/if-i-get-big-laughs-i-m-a-comedian-if-i-get-little-laughs-i-m-a/",
                        "image": {
                            "@type": "ImageObject",
                            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/18d/george-burns-2737_bigs_if-i-get-big-laughs-i-m-a-comedian-if-i_1330518.png",
                            "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/18d/george-burns-2737_bigs_if-i-get-big-laughs-i-m-a-comedian-if-i_1330518.png",
                            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/18d/george-burns-2737_bigs_if-i-get-big-laughs-i-m-a-comedian-if-i_1330518.png",
                            "width": 1080,
                            "height": 1080,
                            "caption": "“If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.” — George Burns",
                            "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes",
                            "creator": {
                                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization"
                            }
                        }
                    }
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 16,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "George Burns"
                        },
                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/when-asked-in-his-late-90s-if-his-doctor-knew-he-still-smoked-burns/",
                        "image": {
                            "@type": "ImageObject",
                            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f0c/george-burns-2737_doctors_when-asked-in-his-late-90s-if-his-doctor_1702576.png",
                            "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f0c/george-burns-2737_doctors_when-asked-in-his-late-90s-if-his-doctor_1702576.png",
                            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f0c/george-burns-2737_doctors_when-asked-in-his-late-90s-if-his-doctor_1702576.png",
                            "width": 1080,
                            "height": 1080,
                            "caption": "“When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'” — George Burns",
                            "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes",
                            "creator": {
                                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization"
                            }
                        }
                    }
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 17,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "George Burns"
                        },
                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-burns/if-you-were-married-to-marilyn-monroe-you-d-cheat-with-some-ugly-girl/",
                        "image": {
                            "@type": "ImageObject",
                            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/83e/george-burns-2737_cheat_if-you-were-married-to-marilyn-monroe-yo_82831.png",
                            "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/83e/george-burns-2737_cheat_if-you-were-married-to-marilyn-monroe-yo_82831.png",
                            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/83e/george-burns-2737_cheat_if-you-were-married-to-marilyn-monroe-yo_82831.png",
                            "width": 1080,
                            "height": 1080,
                            "caption": "“If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.” — George Burns",
                            "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes",
                            "creator": {
                                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization"
                            }
                        }
                    }
                }
            ]
        },
        {
            "@type": "CollectionPage",
            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/george-burns/#webpage",
            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/george-burns/",
            "name": "Ifs Quotes by George Burns",
            "isPartOf": {
                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website"
            },
            "mainEntity": {
                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/george-burns/#itemlist"
            },
            "primaryImageOfPage": {
                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/97e/george-burns-2737_age_i-smoke-cigars-because-at-my-age-if-i-do_416257.png"
            },
            "description": "17 Ifs quotes by George Burns. Plus more from George Burns and more Ifs sayings from other authors.",
            "breadcrumb": {
                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/george-burns/#breadcrumb"
            }
        },
        {
            "@type": "BreadcrumbList",
            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/george-burns/#breadcrumb",
            "itemListElement": [
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 1,
                    "name": "Home",
                    "item": "https://sms4smile.com/"
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 2,
                    "name": "Quotes",
                    "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/"
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 3,
                    "name": "Topics",
                    "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/categories/"
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 4,
                    "name": "Ifs",
                    "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/"
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 5,
                    "name": "George Burns",
                    "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/george-burns/"
                }
            ]
        },
        {
            "@type": "WebSite",
            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website",
            "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes",
            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/",
            "publisher": {
                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization"
            }
        },
        {
            "@type": "Organization",
            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization",
            "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes",
            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/",
            "logo": {
                "@type": "ImageObject",
                "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/themes/sq/assets/icons/icon-512.png",
                "width": 512,
                "height": 512
            }
        }
    ]
}
```