---
title: "23 Ifs Quotes By Garrison Keillor"
description: "23 Ifs quotes by Garrison Keillor. Plus more from Garrison Keillor and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d0/garrison-keillor-1037_home_second-violins-can-play-a-concerto-perfe_2850965.jpg"
---

> [Second violins can play a concerto perfectly if they're in their own home and nobody's there.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/second-violins-can-play-a-concerto-perfectly-if-they-re-in-their-own/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d0/garrison-keillor-1037_home_second-violins-can-play-a-concerto-perfe_2850965.jpg)

> [I think if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/i-think-if-the-church-put-in-half-the-time-on-covetousness-that-it/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e3b/garrison-keillor-1037_better-world_i-think-if-the-church-put-in-half-the-ti_420849.jpg)

> [We'd all be alot happier if we'd stop assuming we're supposed to be happy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/we-d-all-be-alot-happier-if-we-d-stop-assuming-we-re-supposed-to-be/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/efa/garrison-keillor-1037_assuming_we-d-all-be-alot-happier-if-we-d-stop-as_2189047.jpg)

> [She gave him such a look... Man oh man, if looks could kill. That one might have totalled a city block.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/she-gave-him-such-a-look-man-oh-man-if-looks-could-kill-that-one/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7b1/garrison-keillor-1037_block_she-gave-him-such-a-look-man-oh-man-if-l_1479240.jpg)

> [If the marriage needs help, the answer almost always is have more fun. Drop your list of grievances and go ride a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/if-the-marriage-needs-help-the-answer-almost-always-is-have-more-fun/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3c4/garrison-keillor-1037_answers_if-the-marriage-needs-help-the-answer-al_2834049.jpg)

> [If you can't trust a Methodist with absolute power to arrest people and not have to say why, then whom can you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/if-you-can-t-trust-a-methodist-with-absolute-power-to-arrest-people/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ab/garrison-keillor-1037_absolute-power_if-you-can-t-trust-a-methodist-with-abso_2149132.jpg)

> [A good friend is a person who thinks you're one of the good eggs, even if he knows you're a little cracked.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/a-good-friend-is-a-person-who-thinks-you-re-one-of-the-good-eggs-even/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dbf/garrison-keillor-1037_cracked_a-good-friend-is-a-person-who-thinks-you_3092062.jpg)

> [When you're old you feast on your memories, and if you spend too much time on exercise, you may get old and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/when-you-re-old-you-feast-on-your-memories-and-if-you-spend-too-much/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/384/garrison-keillor-1037_exercise_when-you-re-old-you-feast-on-your-memori_2387518.jpg)

> [I'm of an age when if I started to do eulogies, I'd be doing nothing else. You don't want to be remembered?…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/i-m-of-an-age-when-if-i-started-to-do-eulogies-i-d-be-doing-nothing/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ee6/garrison-keillor-1037_age_i-m-of-an-age-when-if-i-started-to-do-eu_2064530.jpg)

> [You've got work to do. Don't put this off. And don't take the long view, here. You know? Life is today and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/you-ve-got-work-to-do-don-t-put-this-off-and-don-t-take-the-long-view/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8e6/garrison-keillor-1037_ifs_you-ve-got-work-to-do-don-t-put-this-off_621277.jpg)

> [Where I'm from we don't trust paper. Wealth is what's here on the premises. If I open a cupboard and see, say,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/where-i-m-from-we-don-t-trust-paper-wealth-is-what-s-here-on-the/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/303/garrison-keillor-1037_bags_where-i-m-from-we-don-t-trust-paper-weal_269080.jpg)

> [TV news is as bloody as Shakespeare but without the intelligence and the poetry. If you watch television news you know less…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/tv-news-is-as-bloody-as-shakespeare-but-without-the-intelligence-and/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/444/garrison-keillor-1037_bloody_tv-news-is-as-bloody-as-shakespeare-but_1718235.jpg)

> [The fundamental religion of most of mankind is the faith that God has revealed Himself to us and not to the barbarians.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/the-fundamental-religion-of-most-of-mankind-is-the-faith-that-god-has/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4c9/garrison-keillor-1037_barbarians_the-fundamental-religion-of-most-of-mank_523938.jpg)

> [Have interesting failures… If you need to have a personal crisis have it now. Don't wait until midlife, when it will take…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/have-interesting-failures-if-you-need-to-have-a-personal-crisis-have/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1ba/garrison-keillor-1037_comedy_have-interesting-failures-if-you-need-to_667627.jpg)

> [A person does feel sheepish picking on journalists, a class already so richly despised that if a planeload of them crashed in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/a-person-does-feel-sheepish-picking-on-journalists-a-class-already-so/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1cf/garrison-keillor-1037_class_a-person-does-feel-sheepish-picking-on-j_1139289.jpg)

> [The socially redeeming aspect of golf lies in the vast number of lawyers and bankers and managers who play it, and when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/the-socially-redeeming-aspect-of-golf-lies-in-the-vast-number-of/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ff8/garrison-keillor-1037_aspect_the-socially-redeeming-aspect-of-golf-li_8690.jpg)

> [That's what I am, Frank thought, an ordinary genius. He had unlocked the secret of radio. The sport of the ordinary! Brillliant…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/that-s-what-i-am-frank-thought-an-ordinary-genius-he-had-unlocked-the/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e57/garrison-keillor-1037_art_that-s-what-i-am-frank-thought-an-ordina_2830480.jpg)

> [I thought A Prairie Home Companion would be an interesting thing to do for a summer or so. Public radio was just…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/i-thought-a-prairie-home-companion-would-be-an-interesting-thing-to/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cb4/garrison-keillor-1037_companion_i-thought-a-prairie-home-companion-would_2667928.jpg)

> [This is Democratic bedrock: we don't let people lie in the ditch and drive past and pretend not to see them dying.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/this-is-democratic-bedrock-we-don-t-let-people-lie-in-the-ditch-and/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/834/garrison-keillor-1037_bedrock_this-is-democratic-bedrock-we-don-t-let_534106.jpg)

> [In California virtually everyone has had their teeth whitened. If they all smiled at once, they would give us a headache.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/in-california-virtually-everyone-has-had-their-teeth-whitened-if-they/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9b6/garrison-keillor-1037_california_in-california-virtually-everyone-has-had_1993545.jpg)

> [Bravery and adventure! That's the ticket! Don't sit and gather moss. Get up, get out, do what you dream of doing, and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/bravery-and-adventure-that-s-the-ticket-don-t-sit-and-gather-moss-get/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3c0/garrison-keillor-1037_adventure_bravery-and-adventure-that-s-the-ticket_2279168.jpg)

> [It is more worthy in the eyes of God . . . if a writer makes three pages sharp and funny about…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/it-is-more-worthy-in-the-eyes-of-god-if-a-writer-makes-three-pages/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a9a/garrison-keillor-1037_american-people_it-is-more-worthy-in-the-eyes-of-god-if_2538261.jpg)

> [I was brought up imagining that cream rises to the top, merit wins out, the race is to the swift and riches…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/i-was-brought-up-imagining-that-cream-rises-to-the-top-merit-wins-out/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/614/garrison-keillor-1037_beautiful_i-was-brought-up-imagining-that-cream-ri_1050765.jpg)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by Garrison Keillor

> [God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/god-writes-a-lot-of-comedy-the-trouble-is-he-s-stuck-with-so-many-bad/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

> [The socially redeeming aspect of golf lies in the vast number of lawyers and bankers and managers who play it, and when you think…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/the-socially-redeeming-aspect-of-golf-lies-in-the-vast-number-of/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

> [God plays a lot of jokes on us to get our attention.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/god-plays-a-lot-of-jokes-on-us-to-get-our-attention/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

> [Ha! Easy for nuns to talk about giving up things. That's what they do for a living.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/ha-easy-for-nuns-to-talk-about-giving-up-things-that-s-what-they-do/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

> [This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/this-is-the-big-reason-most-humorists-fail-drunks-don-t-read-books/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

> [Before the world was made, when it was only darkness and mist and waters, God was well aware of Lake Wobegon, my family, our…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/before-the-world-was-made-when-it-was-only-darkness-and-mist-and/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

> [On investments, 1998: Where I'm from we don't trust paper. Wealth is what's here on the premises. If I open a cupboard and see,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/on-investments-1998-where-i-m-from-we-don-t-trust-paper-wealth-is/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

> [“The rich can afford to be progressive. Poor people have reason to be afraid of the future.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/the-rich-can-afford-to-be-progressive-poor-people-have-reason-to-be/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

> [English is the perfect language for preachers because it allows you to talk until you think of what to say.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/english-is-the-perfect-language-for-preachers-because-it-allows-you/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

> [“If you can't read a simple goddam sign and follow one simple goddam instruction then get your fat butt the hell out of here.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/if-you-can-t-read-a-simple-goddam-sign-and-follow-one-simple-goddam/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

> [“The Gospel is meant to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/the-gospel-is-meant-to-comfort-the-afflicted-and-afflict-the/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

> [I don't want them to be told to remember me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/i-don-t-want-them-to-be-told-to-remember-me/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

> [Childhood is the small town everyone came from.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/childhood-is-the-small-town-everyone-came-from/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

> [I have taken so many wrong turns and been so careless with precious things and managed to lose, or break, or leave out in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/i-have-taken-so-many-wrong-turns-and-been-so-careless-with-precious/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

> [Where I'm from we don't trust paper. Wealth is what's here on the premises. If I open a cupboard and see, say, thirty cans…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/garrison-keillor/where-i-m-from-we-don-t-trust-paper-wealth-is-what-s-here-on-the/)

[Garrison Keillor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/garrison-keillor/)

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                        "text": "Where I'm from we don't trust paper. Wealth is what's here on the premises. If I open a cupboard and see, say, thirty cans of tomato sauce and a five-pound bag of rice, I get a little thrill of well-being - much more so than if I take a look at the quarterly dividend report from my mutual fund.",
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                        "text": "That's what I am, Frank thought, an ordinary genius. He had unlocked the secret of radio. The sport of the ordinary! Brillliant me like Reed Seymour couldn't figure this out for the life of them! Reed was ashamed of radio. ...radio was a cinch if you kept reaching down and grabbing up handfuls of the ordinary.",
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                        "text": "I thought A Prairie Home Companion would be an interesting thing to do for a summer or so. Public radio was just seven years old in 1974. It was a tiny organization in which a lot of things got started simply because there was all this time to fill. If you wanted to do an hour on Lithuanian folk dancing, you probably could have done it.",
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