--- title: "24 Ifs Quotes By Erma Bombeck" description: "24 Ifs quotes by Erma Bombeck. Plus more from Erma Bombeck and more Ifs sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/471/erma-bombeck-780_carpet_i-would-have-invited-friends-over-to-din_152993.png" --- > [I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/i-would-have-invited-friends-over-to-dinner-even-if-the-carpet-was/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/471/erma-bombeck-780_carpet_i-would-have-invited-friends-over-to-din_152993.png) > [If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/if-god-had-meant-us-to-walk-around-naked-he-would-never-have-invented/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2cb/erma-bombeck-780_chairs_if-god-had-meant-us-to-walk-around-naked_2303329.png) > [If compliments were food, I'd have starved to death 28 years ago.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/if-compliments-were-food-i-d-have-starved-to-death-28-years-ago/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/097/erma-bombeck-780_compliment_if-compliments-were-food-i-d-have-starve_790587.png) > [If the nest is truly empty, who owns all this junk?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/if-the-nest-is-truly-empty-who-owns-all-this-junk/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a88/erma-bombeck-780_empty_if-the-nest-is-truly-empty-who-owns-all_119585.png) > [One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/one-meal-a-day-is-enough-for-a-lion-and-would-be-for-all-of-us-if-all/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b8f/erma-bombeck-780_diets_one-meal-a-day-is-enough-for-a-lion-and_1178091.png) > [If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/if-i-had-my-life-to-live-over-i-would-have-burned-the-pink-candle/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4cc/erma-bombeck-780_burned_if-i-had-my-life-to-live-over-i-would-ha_1538655.png) > [My mother phones daily to ask, "Did you just try to reach me?" When I reply no, she adds, "So, if you're…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/my-mother-phones-daily-to-ask-did-you-just-try-to-reach-me-when-i/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/437/erma-bombeck-780_add_my-mother-phones-daily-to-ask-did-you-ju_2875437.png) > [If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/if-anyone-knew-where-they-were-i-d-send-the-isdbb-incredibly-stupid/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/844/erma-bombeck-780_awards_if-anyone-knew-where-they-were-i-d-send_1020874.jpg) > [What does it profit a 78-year-old woman to sit around the pool in a bikini if she cannot feed herself?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/what-does-it-profit-a-78-year-old-woman-to-sit-around-the-pool-in-a/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ef1/erma-bombeck-780_bikinis_what-does-it-profit-a-78-year-old-woman_1269950.png) > [It is difficult to single out one sport over another, but if I have to name one in my separation suit, it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/it-is-difficult-to-single-out-one-sport-over-another-but-if-i-have-to/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/26e/erma-bombeck-780_difficult_it-is-difficult-to-single-out-one-sport_778382.png) > [To say, "Well, I write when I really get into it" is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/to-say-well-i-write-when-i-really-get-into-it-is-a-bunch-of-bull-put/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ef8/erma-bombeck-780_bulls_to-say-well-i-write-when-i-really-get-in_49798.png) > [Hello there. I'm out social climbing, but if you leave your name and number and if you're anybody, I'll get back to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/hello-there-i-m-out-social-climbing-but-if-you-leave-your-name-and/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e7/erma-bombeck-780_climbing_hello-there-i-m-out-social-climbing-but_3184555.png) > [I think it's time we women stopped carrying supplies for the entire family. If children don't have room to carry their own…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/i-think-it-s-time-we-women-stopped-carrying-supplies-for-the-entire/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/913/erma-bombeck-780_carrying_i-think-it-s-time-we-women-stopped-carry_2420995.png) > [I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/i-was-trampled-to-death-by-a-man-who-believed-his-luggage-would-be/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e31/erma-bombeck-780_air-travel_i-was-trampled-to-death-by-a-man-who-bel_786608.png) > [When it comes to cooking, five years ago I felt guilty "just adding water." Now I want to bang the tube against…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/when-it-comes-to-cooking-five-years-ago-i-felt-guilty-just-adding/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5a4/erma-bombeck-780_bangs_when-it-comes-to-cooking-five-years-ago_3227780.png) > [If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished ever moment and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/if-i-had-my-life-to-live-over-instead-of-wishing-away-nine-months-of/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/55c/erma-bombeck-780_beautiful-pregnancy_if-i-had-my-life-to-live-over-instead-of_2510423.png) > [Authorities say brain cells may shrink, but they don't necessarily die. Frankly, I am cheered by the fact that something is shrinking.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/authorities-say-brain-cells-may-shrink-but-they-don-t-necessarily-die/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e30/erma-bombeck-780_affected_authorities-say-brain-cells-may-shrink-b_1262047.png) > [Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/occasionally-once-a-speaker-is-on-his-feet-it-is-difficult-to-get-him/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/044/erma-bombeck-780_candle_occasionally-once-a-speaker-is-on-his-fe_1297165.png) > [Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/sex-in-the-nineties-is-boring-the-problem-is-that-it-has-gone-from-an/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/99e/erma-bombeck-780_active_sex-in-the-nineties-is-boring-the-proble_2854271.png) > [If I had my life to live over again, I would have waxed less and listened more. ... I would have cried…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/if-i-had-my-life-to-live-over-again-i-would-have-waxed-less-and/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f9/erma-bombeck-780_cried_if-i-had-my-life-to-live-over-again-i-wo_246127.png) > [Not everyone is comfortable with the kissing ritual. My husband is one of them. Her refuses to press lips with anyone except…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/not-everyone-is-comfortable-with-the-kissing-ritual-my-husband-is-one/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/77b/erma-bombeck-780_comfortable_not-everyone-is-comfortable-with-the-kis_921354.png) > [Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/spend-at-least-one-mother-s-day-with-your-respective-mothers-before/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/813/erma-bombeck-780_certificates_spend-at-least-one-mother-s-day-with-you_1496430.png) > [If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/if-i-raised-my-hand-to-wipe-the-hair-out-of-my-children-s-eyes-they-d/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a65/erma-bombeck-780_attorney_if-i-raised-my-hand-to-wipe-the-hair-out_1953710.png) > [It is upsetting to many parents that their teen-agers introduce them to their friends as encyclopedia salesmen who are just passing through…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/it-is-upsetting-to-many-parents-that-their-teen-agers-introduce-them/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/228/erma-bombeck-780_accused_it-is-upsetting-to-many-parents-that-the_1479498.png) ## Other authors on Ifs ## More by Erma Bombeck > [Cats invented self-esteem.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/cats-invented-self-esteem/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) > [To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/to-my-way-of-thinking-the-american-family-started-to-decline-when/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) > [The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/the-woman-who-says-my-kids-are-all-speaking-to-one-another-and-they/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) > [The term 'working mother' is redundant.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/the-term-working-mother-is-redundant/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) > [To say, "Well, I write when I really get into it" is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/to-say-well-i-write-when-i-really-get-into-it-is-a-bunch-of-bull-put/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) > [I used everything you gave me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/i-used-everything-you-gave-me/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) > [Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/just-think-of-all-those-women-on-the-titanic-who-said-no-thank-you-to/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) > [The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/the-mole-rat-is-the-only-rodent-born-without-a-fur-coat-with-a-good/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) > [God created man, but I could do better.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/god-created-man-but-i-could-do-better/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) > [If the nest is truly empty, who owns all this junk?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/if-the-nest-is-truly-empty-who-owns-all-this-junk/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) > [Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/housework-if-it-is-done-properly-can-cause-brain-damage/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) > [Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/making-coffee-has-become-the-great-compromise-of-the-decade-it-s-the/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) > [I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the Moment. Just possibly, she may be the wisest woman on this planet.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/i-have-a-friend-who-lives-by-a-three-word-philosophy-seize-the-moment/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) > [When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/when-i-stand-before-god-at-the-end-of-my-life-i-would-hope-that-i/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) > [Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/before-we-sent-kids-to-computer-camps-and-told-them-they-were-having/) [Erma Bombeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erma-bombeck/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/erma-bombeck/#itemlist", "name": "24 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} } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Erma Bombeck" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/one-meal-a-day-is-enough-for-a-lion-and-would-be-for-all-of-us-if-all/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b8f/erma-bombeck-780_diets_one-meal-a-day-is-enough-for-a-lion-and_1178091.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b8f/erma-bombeck-780_diets_one-meal-a-day-is-enough-for-a-lion-and_1178091.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b8f/erma-bombeck-780_diets_one-meal-a-day-is-enough-for-a-lion-and_1178091.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.” — Erma Bombeck", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": 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Bombeck", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "My mother phones daily to ask, \"Did you just try to reach me?\" When I reply no, she adds, \"So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive,\" . . . and hangs up.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Erma Bombeck" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/my-mother-phones-daily-to-ask-did-you-just-try-to-reach-me-when-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/437/erma-bombeck-780_add_my-mother-phones-daily-to-ask-did-you-ju_2875437.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/437/erma-bombeck-780_add_my-mother-phones-daily-to-ask-did-you-ju_2875437.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/437/erma-bombeck-780_add_my-mother-phones-daily-to-ask-did-you-ju_2875437.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My 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Her refuses to press lips…” — Erma Bombeck", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 22, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Erma Bombeck" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/spend-at-least-one-mother-s-day-with-your-respective-mothers-before/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/813/erma-bombeck-780_certificates_spend-at-least-one-mother-s-day-with-you_1496430.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/813/erma-bombeck-780_certificates_spend-at-least-one-mother-s-day-with-you_1496430.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/813/erma-bombeck-780_certificates_spend-at-least-one-mother-s-day-with-you_1496430.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. 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I have some acquaintances who hover in dark parking lots, enter church separately and crouch in furnace rooms so their teen-agers will not be accused of having parents.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Erma Bombeck" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erma-bombeck/it-is-upsetting-to-many-parents-that-their-teen-agers-introduce-them/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/228/erma-bombeck-780_accused_it-is-upsetting-to-many-parents-that-the_1479498.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/228/erma-bombeck-780_accused_it-is-upsetting-to-many-parents-that-the_1479498.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/228/erma-bombeck-780_accused_it-is-upsetting-to-many-parents-that-the_1479498.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“It is upsetting to many parents that their teen-agers introduce them to their friends as encyclopedia…” — Erma Bombeck", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/erma-bombeck/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/erma-bombeck/", "name": "Ifs Quotes by Erma Bombeck", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/erma-bombeck/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/471/erma-bombeck-780_carpet_i-would-have-invited-friends-over-to-din_152993.png" }, "description": "24 Ifs quotes by Erma Bombeck. 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