--- title: "22 Ifs Quotes By Emo Philips" description: "22 Ifs quotes by Emo Philips. Plus more from Emo Philips and more Ifs sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1ed/emo-philips-1788_dad_my-dad-always-said-if-someone-hands-you_2221592.png" --- > [My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/my-dad-always-said-if-someone-hands-you-a-lemon-make-lemonade-plus/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1ed/emo-philips-1788_dad_my-dad-always-said-if-someone-hands-you_2221592.png) > [I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-don-t-know-if-i-was-put-on-this-earth-for-a-purpose-or-not-but-i-m/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0ff/emo-philips-1788_earth_i-don-t-know-if-i-was-put-on-this-earth_170451.png) > [Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/even-the-worst-comic-is-at-least-somewhat-entertaining-if-only-in-a/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/81d/emo-philips-1788_comic_even-the-worst-comic-is-at-least-somewha_3176676.png) > [If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/if-you-can-make-just-one-person-laugh-then-you-are-already-doing/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c2a/emo-philips-1788_comedy_if-you-can-make-just-one-person-laugh-th_1486072.png) > [I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-don-t-know-if-i-have-sexual-magnetism-or-animal-magnetism-though/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/660/emo-philips-1788_animal_i-don-t-know-if-i-have-sexual-magnetism_2807959.png) > [I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-was-at-the-wal-mart-which-is-where-i-think-everybody-goes/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9cc/emo-philips-1788_christ_i-was-at-the-wal-mart-which-is-where-i-t_1121096.png) > [Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/girls-throw-their-panties-on-the-stage-but-rarely-if-ever-do-they-fit/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/001/emo-philips-1788_fit_girls-throw-their-panties-on-the-stage-b_1073916.png) > [Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/thinking-up-jokes-is-easy-the-hard-part-is-trying-them-out-on-stage/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1b5/emo-philips-1788_comedian_thinking-up-jokes-is-easy-the-hard-part_324464.png) > [If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/if-you-re-worth-over-50m-you-should-have-to-dress-like-that-guy-on/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4a7/emo-philips-1788_benefits_if-you-re-worth-over-50m-you-should-have_231035.jpg) > [If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/if-an-asteroid-is-coming-toward-you-you-don-t-have-to-blow-it-up-you/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a8a/emo-philips-1788_asteroid_if-an-asteroid-is-coming-toward-you-you_2263322.png) > [Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/race-is-still-somewhat-of-a-taboo-in-comedy-but-if-you-re-a-minority/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/535/emo-philips-1788_comedy_race-is-still-somewhat-of-a-taboo-in-com_233093.png) > [I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-was-feeling-a-bit-down-i-went-to-a-therapist-a-few-times-at-a/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bbf/emo-philips-1788_bills_i-was-feeling-a-bit-down-i-went-to-a-the_2844831.png) > [I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-saw-a-psychologist-once-because-i-thought-i-had-depression-it-cost/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ffd/emo-philips-1788_bills_i-saw-a-psychologist-once-because-i-thou_3024744.jpg) > [I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-a-letter-from-the-irs-apparently-i-owe-them-800-so-i-sent-them/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c79/emo-philips-1788_clip_i-got-a-letter-from-the-irs-apparently-i_204359.png) > [I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-asked-the-head-musician-if-i-could-go-onstage-during-the-next-break/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/102/emo-philips-1788_break_i-asked-the-head-musician-if-i-could-go_1033803.png) > [I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-used-to-think-i-knew-everything-but-older-you-get-the-more-you-see/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f17/emo-philips-1788_areas_i-used-to-think-i-knew-everything-but-ol_1317411.jpg) > [I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-think-it-s-good-to-know-more-than-the-average-guy-if-i-m-in-a-bar/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d02/emo-philips-1788_average_i-think-it-s-good-to-know-more-than-the_700481.png) > [Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/everyone-everywhere-and-all-the-time-used-to-laugh-at-me-when-i-was/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aaa/emo-philips-1788_comedian_everyone-everywhere-and-all-the-time-use_3089176.jpg) > [I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-m-very-religious-you-know-now-ok-if-by-religious-you-mean-that-i-go/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5ee/emo-philips-1788_catholic_i-m-very-religious-you-know-now-ok-if-by_1717930.jpg) > [The question is absurd: when you ask, 'If God is both all good and all powerful, why then does He allow suffering?',…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/the-question-is-absurd-when-you-ask-if-god-is-both-all-good-and-all/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d88/emo-philips-1788_absurd_the-question-is-absurd-when-you-ask-if-g_1114666.jpg) > [The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/the-irs-sent-back-my-tax-return-saying-i-owed-800-i-said-if-you-ll/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27a/emo-philips-1788_clip_the-irs-sent-back-my-tax-return-saying-i_1928570.png) > [I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-try-not-to-talk-during-the-day-when-i-have-a-show-that-night-my/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a89/emo-philips-1788_announcements_i-try-not-to-talk-during-the-day-when-i_443691.png) ## Other authors on Ifs ## More by Emo Philips > [Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/once-i-was-in-a-restaurant-and-i-dropped-my-fork-on-the-floor-and/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-give-money-to-unicef-because-i-like-the-bang-for-your-buck-aspect/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/libertarians-believe-consenting-adults-have-the-right-to-do-whatever/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-love-england-in-fact-they-re-getting-to-know-me-so-well-at-heathrow/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/he-taught-me-never-to-smile-which-helps-me-when-i-visit-disaster-sites/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/the-way-i-understand-it-the-russians-are-sort-of-a-combination-of/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really-big-guy-and-he-said-i-m-going/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-don-t-know-if-i-was-put-on-this-earth-for-a-purpose-or-not-but-i-m/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-a-letter-from-the-irs-apparently-i-owe-them-800-so-i-sent-them/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/if-you-re-worth-over-50m-you-should-have-to-dress-like-that-guy-on/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/race-is-still-somewhat-of-a-taboo-in-comedy-but-if-you-re-a-minority/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-like-to-play-chess-with-bald-men-in-the-park-although-it-s-hard-to/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/if-computers-get-too-powerful-we-can-organize-them-into-a-committee/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman:…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/you-don-t-appreciate-a-lot-of-stuff-in-school-until-you-get-older/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/thinking-up-jokes-is-easy-the-hard-part-is-trying-them-out-on-stage/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/emo-philips/#itemlist", "name": "22 Ifs Quotes By Emo Philips", "numberOfItems": 22, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. 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If they die without Christ.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-was-at-the-wal-mart-which-is-where-i-think-everybody-goes/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9cc/emo-philips-1788_christ_i-was-at-the-wal-mart-which-is-where-i-t_1121096.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9cc/emo-philips-1788_christ_i-was-at-the-wal-mart-which-is-where-i-t_1121096.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9cc/emo-philips-1788_christ_i-was-at-the-wal-mart-which-is-where-i-t_1121096.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/girls-throw-their-panties-on-the-stage-but-rarely-if-ever-do-they-fit/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/001/emo-philips-1788_fit_girls-throw-their-panties-on-the-stage-b_1073916.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/001/emo-philips-1788_fit_girls-throw-their-panties-on-the-stage-b_1073916.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/001/emo-philips-1788_fit_girls-throw-their-panties-on-the-stage-b_1073916.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/thinking-up-jokes-is-easy-the-hard-part-is-trying-them-out-on-stage/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1b5/emo-philips-1788_comedian_thinking-up-jokes-is-easy-the-hard-part_324464.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1b5/emo-philips-1788_comedian_thinking-up-jokes-is-easy-the-hard-part_324464.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1b5/emo-philips-1788_comedian_thinking-up-jokes-is-easy-the-hard-part_324464.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Thinking up jokes is easy. 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The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/if-you-re-worth-over-50m-you-should-have-to-dress-like-that-guy-on/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4a7/emo-philips-1788_benefits_if-you-re-worth-over-50m-you-should-have_231035.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4a7/emo-philips-1788_benefits_if-you-re-worth-over-50m-you-should-have_231035.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4a7/emo-philips-1788_benefits_if-you-re-worth-over-50m-you-should-have_231035.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/if-an-asteroid-is-coming-toward-you-you-don-t-have-to-blow-it-up-you/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a8a/emo-philips-1788_asteroid_if-an-asteroid-is-coming-toward-you-you_2263322.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a8a/emo-philips-1788_asteroid_if-an-asteroid-is-coming-toward-you-you_2263322.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a8a/emo-philips-1788_asteroid_if-an-asteroid-is-coming-toward-you-you_2263322.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that's a nice service that many of them provide.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/race-is-still-somewhat-of-a-taboo-in-comedy-but-if-you-re-a-minority/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/535/emo-philips-1788_comedy_race-is-still-somewhat-of-a-taboo-in-com_233093.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/535/emo-philips-1788_comedy_race-is-still-somewhat-of-a-taboo-in-com_233093.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/535/emo-philips-1788_comedy_race-is-still-somewhat-of-a-taboo-in-com_233093.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. 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But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-was-feeling-a-bit-down-i-went-to-a-therapist-a-few-times-at-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bbf/emo-philips-1788_bills_i-was-feeling-a-bit-down-i-went-to-a-the_2844831.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bbf/emo-philips-1788_bills_i-was-feeling-a-bit-down-i-went-to-a-the_2844831.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bbf/emo-philips-1788_bills_i-was-feeling-a-bit-down-i-went-to-a-the_2844831.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-saw-a-psychologist-once-because-i-thought-i-had-depression-it-cost/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ffd/emo-philips-1788_bills_i-saw-a-psychologist-once-because-i-thou_3024744.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ffd/emo-philips-1788_bills_i-saw-a-psychologist-once-because-i-thou_3024744.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ffd/emo-philips-1788_bills_i-saw-a-psychologist-once-because-i-thou_3024744.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-a-letter-from-the-irs-apparently-i-owe-them-800-so-i-sent-them/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c79/emo-philips-1788_clip_i-got-a-letter-from-the-irs-apparently-i_204359.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c79/emo-philips-1788_clip_i-got-a-letter-from-the-irs-apparently-i_204359.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c79/emo-philips-1788_clip_i-got-a-letter-from-the-irs-apparently-i_204359.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-asked-the-head-musician-if-i-could-go-onstage-during-the-next-break/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/102/emo-philips-1788_break_i-asked-the-head-musician-if-i-could-go_1033803.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/102/emo-philips-1788_break_i-asked-the-head-musician-if-i-could-go_1033803.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/102/emo-philips-1788_break_i-asked-the-head-musician-if-i-could-go_1033803.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 16, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you'll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn't easy, but I try - you'll be just as far ahead as if you'd spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-used-to-think-i-knew-everything-but-older-you-get-the-more-you-see/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f17/emo-philips-1788_areas_i-used-to-think-i-knew-everything-but-ol_1317411.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f17/emo-philips-1788_areas_i-used-to-think-i-knew-everything-but-ol_1317411.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f17/emo-philips-1788_areas_i-used-to-think-i-knew-everything-but-ol_1317411.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 17, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, \"Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?\" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. 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If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 18, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/everyone-everywhere-and-all-the-time-used-to-laugh-at-me-when-i-was/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aaa/emo-philips-1788_comedian_everyone-everywhere-and-all-the-time-use_3089176.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aaa/emo-philips-1788_comedian_everyone-everywhere-and-all-the-time-use_3089176.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aaa/emo-philips-1788_comedian_everyone-everywhere-and-all-the-time-use_3089176.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 19, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible faithfully, and I listen to Debbie Boone, umm, I'm not religious in that sense... But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible... Again, no. But if by 'religious' you mean that I like to eat coleslaw... Yeah, OK, OK!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-m-very-religious-you-know-now-ok-if-by-religious-you-mean-that-i-go/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5ee/emo-philips-1788_catholic_i-m-very-religious-you-know-now-ok-if-by_1717930.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5ee/emo-philips-1788_catholic_i-m-very-religious-you-know-now-ok-if-by_1717930.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5ee/emo-philips-1788_catholic_i-m-very-religious-you-know-now-ok-if-by_1717930.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 20, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The question is absurd: when you ask, 'If God is both all good and all powerful, why then does He allow suffering?', what you are really asking is, 'If God is both all good and all powerful, why then can He not make me (the questioner) - who is just as much a part of a universe in which there is suffering as is any other part - be at the same time the exact same questioner, but one who is now part and parcel of a universe in which there is no suffering?' Which, reduced down, is the same thing as asking, 'Why can there not be, at the same time, X and the preclusion of X?'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/the-question-is-absurd-when-you-ask-if-god-is-both-all-good-and-all/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d88/emo-philips-1788_absurd_the-question-is-absurd-when-you-ask-if-g_1114666.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d88/emo-philips-1788_absurd_the-question-is-absurd-when-you-ask-if-g_1114666.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d88/emo-philips-1788_absurd_the-question-is-absurd-when-you-ask-if-g_1114666.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The question is absurd: when you ask, 'If God is both all good and all powerful, why then does He allow…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 21, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/the-irs-sent-back-my-tax-return-saying-i-owed-800-i-said-if-you-ll/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27a/emo-philips-1788_clip_the-irs-sent-back-my-tax-return-saying-i_1928570.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27a/emo-philips-1788_clip_the-irs-sent-back-my-tax-return-saying-i_1928570.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27a/emo-philips-1788_clip_the-irs-sent-back-my-tax-return-saying-i_1928570.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 22, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like a saxophonist's instrument is his saxophone, plus also his voice, if he's the one between tunes that makes announcements.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-try-not-to-talk-during-the-day-when-i-have-a-show-that-night-my/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a89/emo-philips-1788_announcements_i-try-not-to-talk-during-the-day-when-i_443691.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a89/emo-philips-1788_announcements_i-try-not-to-talk-during-the-day-when-i_443691.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a89/emo-philips-1788_announcements_i-try-not-to-talk-during-the-day-when-i_443691.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like a…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/emo-philips/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/emo-philips/", "name": "Ifs Quotes by Emo Philips", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/emo-philips/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1ed/emo-philips-1788_dad_my-dad-always-said-if-someone-hands-you_2221592.png" }, "description": "22 Ifs quotes by Emo Philips. 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