---
title: "27 Ifs Quotes By Eddie Izzard"
description: "27 Ifs quotes by Eddie Izzard. Plus more from Eddie Izzard and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/42b/eddie-izzard-1732_amendment_guns-don-t-kill-people-people-kill-peopl_3221963.jpg"
---

> [Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/guns-don-t-kill-people-people-kill-people-and-monkeys-do-too-if-they/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/42b/eddie-izzard-1732_amendment_guns-don-t-kill-people-people-kill-peopl_3221963.jpg)

> [Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/well-if-you-don-t-have-a-flag-then-you-can-t-have-a-country-those-are/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9f6/eddie-izzard-1732_country_well-if-you-don-t-have-a-flag-then-you-c_2265558.jpg)

> [If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/if-you-ve-never-seen-an-elephant-ski-then-you-ve-never-been-on-acid/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d67/eddie-izzard-1732_acid_if-you-ve-never-seen-an-elephant-ski-the_36571.jpg)

> [If you get too well-known in comedy, I do believe it blocks people from taking you in drama.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/if-you-get-too-well-known-in-comedy-i-do-believe-it-blocks-people/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f99/eddie-izzard-1732_believe_if-you-get-too-well-known-in-comedy-i-do_3235939.jpg)

> [Sharks are just evil bastards. I'm quite happy if all the sharks just went, because they eat fish and us. And we…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/sharks-are-just-evil-bastards-i-m-quite-happy-if-all-the-sharks-just/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c71/eddie-izzard-1732_environmental_sharks-are-just-evil-bastards-i-m-quite_1022771.jpg)

> [I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/i-am-a-professional-transvestite-so-i-can-run-about-in-heels-and-not/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1bf/eddie-izzard-1732_blokes_i-am-a-professional-transvestite-so-i-ca_449109.jpg)

> [If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f\*\*k off block of concrete!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/if-i-were-achilles-i-would-put-my-foot-in-a-f-k-off-block-of-concrete/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f7d/eddie-izzard-1732_achilles_if-i-were-achilles-i-would-put-my-foot-i_2812535.jpg)

> [I love the fact that trying is respected. The American Dream: if you try, if you build it, they will come. I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/i-love-the-fact-that-trying-is-respected-the-american-dream-if-you/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f3/eddie-izzard-1732_american-dream_i-love-the-fact-that-trying-is-respected_3013399.jpg)

> [The bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of drama is to be truthful. You can be…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/the-bottom-line-of-comedy-is-to-be-funny-and-the-bottom-line-of-drama/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0d4/eddie-izzard-1732_audience_the-bottom-line-of-comedy-is-to-be-funny_3056584.jpg)

> [If you get too well-known, you can never be a comedian's comedian, it just won't sit well. But I'm fine with that.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/if-you-get-too-well-known-you-can-never-be-a-comedian-s-comedian-it/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/743/eddie-izzard-1732_comedian_if-you-get-too-well-known-you-can-never_1178794.jpg)

> [How to survive boarding school. Do not express emotion, do not feel emotion, do not have emotion. If someone hits you, hit…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/how-to-survive-boarding-school-do-not-express-emotion-do-not-feel/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/809/eddie-izzard-1732_arguing_how-to-survive-boarding-school-do-not-ex_681836.jpg)

> [There's a thing about trying too hard, which I think is in all forms, which is if you really try to do…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/there-s-a-thing-about-trying-too-hard-which-i-think-is-in-all-forms/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a9d/eddie-izzard-1732_creativity_there-s-a-thing-about-trying-too-hard-wh_1055514.jpg)

> [ In the UK a lot of people don't like to try. There's a different cultural thing. Here \[in USA\] if you try… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/in-the-uk-a-lot-of-people-don-t-like-to-try-there-s-a-different/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f17/eddie-izzard-1732_different_in-the-uk-a-lot-of-people-don-t-like-to_806030.jpg)

> [Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, "Do you mind if I smoke?…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/racist-people-interestingly-are-never-as-polite-as-smokers-have-you/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d91/eddie-izzard-1732_cigarette_racist-people-interestingly-are-never-as_2692364.jpg)

> [If you're trying to get a bit of attention, you can smash up your hotel room or spend all your time going…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/if-you-re-trying-to-get-a-bit-of-attention-you-can-smash-up-your/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/62b/eddie-izzard-1732_america_if-you-re-trying-to-get-a-bit-of-attenti_1406012.jpg)

> [If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/if-you-re-choking-in-a-restaurant-you-can-just-say-the-magic-words/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1c4/eddie-izzard-1732_choke_if-you-re-choking-in-a-restaurant-you-ca_1337530.jpg)

> [Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/cause-if-you-re-a-transvestite-you-re-actually-a-male-tomboy-that-s/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/62f/eddie-izzard-1732_agree_cause-if-you-re-a-transvestite-you-re-ac_228788.jpg)

> [For me to put a look together, if it's going to be a boy look or a girl look or whatever, is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/for-me-to-put-a-look-together-if-it-s-going-to-be-a-boy-look-or-a/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da4/eddie-izzard-1732_boys_for-me-to-put-a-look-together-if-it-s-go_972028.jpg)

> [My dad said, "As long as you're happy." I used to think it was kind of a very simple idea or philosophy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/my-dad-said-as-long-as-you-re-happy-i-used-to-think-it-was-kind-of-a/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/305/eddie-izzard-1732_crazy_my-dad-said-as-long-as-you-re-happy-i-us_1341907.jpg)

> [ He \[Charlie Chaplin\] was always playing as if it were to the camera, if you've seen the live shots of him when… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/he-charlie-chaplin-was-always-playing-as-if-it-were-to-the-camera-if/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/429/eddie-izzard-1732_ability_he-charlie-chaplin-was-always-playing-as_2566917.jpg)

> [My sexuality is straight transvestite or male lesbian. It seems we are beyond the idea that I am gay and hiding it.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/my-sexuality-is-straight-transvestite-or-male-lesbian-it-seems-we-are/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8ba/eddie-izzard-1732_boys_my-sexuality-is-straight-transvestite-or_1146970.jpg)

> [If you think about determination, if people have a heart and are determined, they can get to that place. But there are…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/if-you-think-about-determination-if-people-have-a-heart-and-are/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a98/eddie-izzard-1732_bad-heart_if-you-think-about-determination-if-peop_674597.jpg)

> [I just play to progressive audiences. You know, if they're watching Discovery Channel, History Channel, that kind of thing, "Monty Python" have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/i-just-play-to-progressive-audiences-you-know-if-they-re-watching/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fc4/eddie-izzard-1732_around-the-world_i-just-play-to-progressive-audiences-you_786881.jpg)

> [If you're a performer, people tend to be quite positive about you or they have no opinion.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/if-you-re-a-performer-people-tend-to-be-quite-positive-about-you-or/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5b1/eddie-izzard-1732_ifs_if-you-re-a-performer-people-tend-to-be_2238051.jpg)

> [Learning that you have stamina is an excellent thing to know. If a project fails, I know I can pick myself up.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/learning-that-you-have-stamina-is-an-excellent-thing-to-know-if-a/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bb7/eddie-izzard-1732_excellent_learning-that-you-have-stamina-is-an-exc_1776470.jpg)

> [If there were a god, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/if-there-were-a-god-don-t-you-think-he-would-have-flicked-hitler-s/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/967/eddie-izzard-1732_hitler_if-there-were-a-god-don-t-you-think-he-w_282685.jpg)

> [If you can be your own force of nature and have a positive heart, then you can actually do something good in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/if-you-can-be-your-own-force-of-nature-and-have-a-positive-heart-then/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/83c/eddie-izzard-1732_force_if-you-can-be-your-own-force-of-nature-a_953800.jpg)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by Eddie Izzard

> [When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/when-i-first-came-out-i-thought-i-want-to-walk-like-a-real-woman-i/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

> [“You know, I don't believe that religions are religions. No, I believe they are philosophies with some good ideas and some fuckin' weird ones.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/you-know-i-don-t-believe-that-religions-are-religions-no-i-believe/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

> [If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/if-you-ve-never-seen-an-elephant-ski-then-you-ve-never-been-on-acid/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

> [I don't believe in God. I believe gods and devils are within us. It's our own battle. Our life's battle is to appeal to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/i-don-t-believe-in-god-i-believe-gods-and-devils-are-within-us-it-s/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

> [“If you are an LGBT+ person and you come out, you have to go through your knight’s quest to create ground for yourself, to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/if-you-are-an-lgbt-person-and-you-come-out-you-have-to-go-through/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

> [America is the new Roman Empire. Remember what happened to Rome.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/america-is-the-new-roman-empire-remember-what-happened-to-rome/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

> [I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/i-wanna-live-til-i-die-no-more-no-less/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

> [I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/i-try-to-just-talk-about-human-stories-and-what-i-think-about/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

> [This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight...one, from...here to there. We'll be cruising at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/this-is-your-captain-speaking-welcome-aboard-flight-one-from-here-to/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

> [You have the American dream! The dream is to be born in a gutter and grow up, and then get all the money in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/you-have-the-american-dream-the-dream-is-to-be-born-in-a-gutter-and/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

> [Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/because-we-all-know-one-of-the-main-factors-of-war-is-the-element-of/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

> [We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/we-have-two-hundred-languages-in-europe-two-hundred-languages-count/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

> [I don't believe that competitions are important.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/i-don-t-believe-that-competitions-are-important/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

> [“Have you got a flag?”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/have-you-got-a-flag/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

> [Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eddie-izzard/cause-if-you-re-a-transvestite-you-re-actually-a-male-tomboy-that-s/)

[Eddie Izzard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eddie-izzard/)

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                        "text": "Sharks are just evil bastards. I'm quite happy if all the sharks just went, because they eat fish and us. And we need the fish.",
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                        "text": "If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete!",
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                        "text": "I love the fact that trying is respected. The American Dream: if you try, if you build it, they will come. I love that. It's honorable.",
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                        "text": "If you get too well-known, you can never be a comedian's comedian, it just won't sit well. But I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that label.",
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                        "text": "How to survive boarding school. Do not express emotion, do not feel emotion, do not have emotion. If someone hits you, hit them back, if someone argues with you, argue back, never give in an inch, never look vulnerable and you will survive.",
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                        "text": "There's a thing about trying too hard, which I think is in all forms, which is if you really try to do things really well, you can get to a less good place than if you just let go and let it fly. Especially in creativity.",
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                        "text": "In the UK a lot of people don't like to try. There's a different cultural thing. Here [in USA] if you try and fail, you get up again and start again and keep going. People respect you for it. Even if you keep failing, they respect the tenacity.",
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                        "text": "Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, \"Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I'll go outside and have a cigarette.\"",
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                        "text": "If you're trying to get a bit of attention, you can smash up your hotel room or spend all your time going to openings or doing the gossip column thing. I just decided to do gigs in French, German, Spanish, and in America.",
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                        "text": "If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death.",
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                        "text": "Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no! Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you! And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok? Because... it's true! 'Cause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is.",
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                        "text": "For me to put a look together, if it's going to be a boy look or a girl look or whatever, is quite a tricky thing to do. I'm not doing drag because drag is seen in a certain way and my comedy has got zero to do with what I'm wearing. I could wear an elephant suit and say the same thing.",
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                        "text": "My dad said, \"As long as you're happy.\" I used to think it was kind of a very simple idea or philosophy because he wasn't religious. But you've got to try and be happy. And if you're not happy, you can't help anyone else. So obviously, some crazy people could go to places, but I just think you need to be content within yourself, so that's the thing.",
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                        "text": "He [Charlie Chaplin] was always playing as if it were to the camera, if you've seen the live shots of him when he's going to an opening night or something like that. And the skills that he had were beyond my ability to throw together. You just couldn't really compete with him. He was too athletic at that.",
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                        "text": "My sexuality is straight transvestite or male lesbian. It seems we are beyond the idea that I am gay and hiding it. If I had to describe how I feel in my head, I'd say I'm a complete boy plus half a girl. I don't seem to have the sixth sense that women have or their stronger senses of taste and smell. Gay men can also have it but straight men don't.",
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