--- title: "14 Ifs Quotes By Dylan Moran" description: "14 Ifs quotes by Dylan Moran. Plus more from Dylan Moran and more Ifs sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bf2/dylan-moran-1716_arses_now-i-m-not-an-expert-at-mathematics-but_2038180.jpg" --- > [Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/now-i-m-not-an-expert-at-mathematics-but-i-calculated-it-would-take/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bf2/dylan-moran-1716_arses_now-i-m-not-an-expert-at-mathematics-but_2038180.jpg) > [If you're talking about crowd enthusiasm, it varies. I have a decent following in Australia so I like there. I'm interested in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/if-you-re-talking-about-crowd-enthusiasm-it-varies-i-have-a-decent/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dfb/dylan-moran-1716_australia_if-you-re-talking-about-crowd-enthusiasm_123869.jpg) > [We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/we-all-know-smoking-is-bad-i-know-i-m-going-to-quit-someday-if-i/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4ac/dylan-moran-1716_funny_we-all-know-smoking-is-bad-i-know-i-m-go_2119476.jpg) > [ I dislike both of \[candidates\] but there's obviously no choice in the election - if you're concerned about the future of anything,… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/i-dislike-both-of-candidates-but-there-s-obviously-no-choice-in-the/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/644/dylan-moran-1716_candidates_i-dislike-both-of-candidates-but-there-s_1943562.jpg) > [If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/if-you-covered-a-broom-handle-with-oil-and-shoved-it-up-my-arse-then/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e57/dylan-moran-1716_arses_if-you-covered-a-broom-handle-with-oil-a_2252925.jpg) > [You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/you-re-supposed-to-eat-the-cows-they-re-great-big-lumbering-stupid/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e3a/dylan-moran-1716_bigs_you-re-supposed-to-eat-the-cows-they-re_2585221.jpg) > [Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/organic-i-grew-up-on-angel-delight-we-didn-t-have-anything-in-the/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/607/dylan-moran-1716_angel_organic-i-grew-up-on-angel-delight-we-di_2825602.jpg) > [I never really had a career, to be honest with you. I never in my life sat down and planned it. I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/i-never-really-had-a-career-to-be-honest-with-you-i-never-in-my-life/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f51/dylan-moran-1716_anybody_i-never-really-had-a-career-to-be-honest_664425.jpg) > [I really can't describe what my stand-up is like - people see it and they say it's like that, or it's like…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/i-really-can-t-describe-what-my-stand-up-is-like-people-see-it-and/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f96/dylan-moran-1716_all-day_i-really-can-t-describe-what-my-stand-up_2191871.jpg) > [The measure of a conversation is how much mutual recognition there is in it; how much shared there is in it. If…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/the-measure-of-a-conversation-is-how-much-mutual-recognition-there-is/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/268/dylan-moran-1716_about_the-measure-of-a-conversation-is-how-muc_1663289.jpg) > [People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know... People - I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/people-who-get-implants-it-s-so-depressing-you-know-people-i-don-t/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/580/dylan-moran-1716_attention_people-who-get-implants-it-s-so-depressi_3102999.jpg) > [I find it incredibly boring when people are mean about some individuals, especially if the individual has no power. I can understand…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/i-find-it-incredibly-boring-when-people-are-mean-about-some/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/584/dylan-moran-1716_boring_i-find-it-incredibly-boring-when-people_702167.jpg) > [So here are some foolproof recipes for those of you who understand the true function of food. Bean Treat: Gingerly pour four…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/so-here-are-some-foolproof-recipes-for-those-of-you-who-understand/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d62/dylan-moran-1716_beans_so-here-are-some-foolproof-recipes-for-t_272922.jpg) > [I don't mind most religious people, I talk to them. I listen to them, you know, banging on. "I prayed very hard…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/i-don-t-mind-most-religious-people-i-talk-to-them-i-listen-to-them/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/45d/dylan-moran-1716_annoyed_i-don-t-mind-most-religious-people-i-tal_3062766.jpg) ## Other authors on Ifs ## More by Dylan Moran > [“You should be alive as you can until you're totally dead.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/you-should-be-alive-as-you-can-until-you-re-totally-dead/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) > [America's work ethic is non-stop; it's not even enshrined in law that workers have to get their two weeks holiday money. But Americans work…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/america-s-work-ethic-is-non-stop-it-s-not-even-enshrined-in-law-that/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) > [The characters can't be wittier than people are in real life. They have to be character witty](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/the-characters-can-t-be-wittier-than-people-are-in-real-life-they/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) > [ \[Adulthood feels like\] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/adulthood-feels-like-walking-around-in-the-desert-with-a-bag-over/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) > [Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/don-t-do-it-stay-away-from-your-potential-you-ll-mess-it-up-it-s/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) > [If you're talking about crowd enthusiasm, it varies. I have a decent following in Australia so I like there. I'm interested in playing everywhere.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/if-you-re-talking-about-crowd-enthusiasm-it-varies-i-have-a-decent/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) > [There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There's the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that's ok,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/there-are-two-types-of-wine-essentially-and-everybody-knows-this/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) > [Go and lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move. I'm locking the door now](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/go-and-lie-down-in-the-dark-for-hours-and-don-t-move-i-m-locking-the/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) > [I suppose the best comedy shows do have the rock n' roll feeling - if it's a great night, and the roof is raised…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/i-suppose-the-best-comedy-shows-do-have-the-rock-n-roll-feeling-if-it/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) > [Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/beer-must-be-made-by-food-companies-it-makes-you-wander-the-streets/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) > [The sensible thing for everyone to do would be to write all their op-eds and think pieces now so they're ready the day after…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/the-sensible-thing-for-everyone-to-do-would-be-to-write-all-their-op/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) > [I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just get out of a chair when I'm not expecting it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/i-don-t-do-drugs-if-i-want-a-rush-i-just-get-out-of-a-chair-when-i-m/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) > [I think I still get something from the original broadcaster but I'm certainly not aware of any Netflix van driving to my house and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/i-think-i-still-get-something-from-the-original-broadcaster-but-i-m/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) > [People do need a social license to go, "Ha ha ha," and have a good time. It's a strange thing. There's a lot of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/people-do-need-a-social-license-to-go-ha-ha-ha-and-have-a-good-time/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) > [I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/i-m-a-vegetarian-well-i-m-not-hardcore-because-i-eat-meat-but-only/) [Dylan Moran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dylan-moran/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/dylan-moran/#itemlist", "name": "14 Ifs Quotes By Dylan Moran", "numberOfItems": 14, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dylan Moran" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/now-i-m-not-an-expert-at-mathematics-but-i-calculated-it-would-take/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bf2/dylan-moran-1716_arses_now-i-m-not-an-expert-at-mathematics-but_2038180.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bf2/dylan-moran-1716_arses_now-i-m-not-an-expert-at-mathematics-but_2038180.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bf2/dylan-moran-1716_arses_now-i-m-not-an-expert-at-mathematics-but_2038180.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one…” — Dylan Moran", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you're talking about crowd enthusiasm, it varies. 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We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dylan Moran" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/organic-i-grew-up-on-angel-delight-we-didn-t-have-anything-in-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/607/dylan-moran-1716_angel_organic-i-grew-up-on-angel-delight-we-di_2825602.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/607/dylan-moran-1716_angel_organic-i-grew-up-on-angel-delight-we-di_2825602.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/607/dylan-moran-1716_angel_organic-i-grew-up-on-angel-delight-we-di_2825602.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. 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But I'm not the type that says, 'If I do this, it will lead to that.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dylan Moran" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/i-never-really-had-a-career-to-be-honest-with-you-i-never-in-my-life/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f51/dylan-moran-1716_anybody_i-never-really-had-a-career-to-be-honest_664425.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f51/dylan-moran-1716_anybody_i-never-really-had-a-career-to-be-honest_664425.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f51/dylan-moran-1716_anybody_i-never-really-had-a-career-to-be-honest_664425.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I never really had a career, to be honest with you. I never in my life sat down and planned it. I have…” — Dylan Moran", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I really can't describe what my stand-up is like - people see it and they say it's like that, or it's like this, and that's really up to them, that's fine, but I don't sit around all day analysing it. I just try and enjoy a show and interest myself because if I don't do that then I won't interest anybody else.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dylan Moran" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/i-really-can-t-describe-what-my-stand-up-is-like-people-see-it-and/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f96/dylan-moran-1716_all-day_i-really-can-t-describe-what-my-stand-up_2191871.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f96/dylan-moran-1716_all-day_i-really-can-t-describe-what-my-stand-up_2191871.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f96/dylan-moran-1716_all-day_i-really-can-t-describe-what-my-stand-up_2191871.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I really can't describe what my stand-up is like - people see it and they say it's like that, or it's like…” — Dylan Moran", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The measure of a conversation is how much mutual recognition there is in it; how much shared there is in it. If you're talking about what's in your own head, or without thought to what people looking and listening will feel, you might as well be in a room talking to yourself.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dylan Moran" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/the-measure-of-a-conversation-is-how-much-mutual-recognition-there-is/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/268/dylan-moran-1716_about_the-measure-of-a-conversation-is-how-muc_1663289.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/268/dylan-moran-1716_about_the-measure-of-a-conversation-is-how-muc_1663289.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/268/dylan-moran-1716_about_the-measure-of-a-conversation-is-how-muc_1663289.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The measure of a conversation is how much mutual recognition there is in it; how much shared there is in it…” — Dylan Moran", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know... People - I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here... Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move your eyes down to where your nipples used to be, put your breasts up on your head, everybody will pay attention!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dylan Moran" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/people-who-get-implants-it-s-so-depressing-you-know-people-i-don-t/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/580/dylan-moran-1716_attention_people-who-get-implants-it-s-so-depressi_3102999.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/580/dylan-moran-1716_attention_people-who-get-implants-it-s-so-depressi_3102999.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/580/dylan-moran-1716_attention_people-who-get-implants-it-s-so-depressi_3102999.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know... People - I don't know. The route of that, you know…” — Dylan Moran", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I find it incredibly boring when people are mean about some individuals, especially if the individual has no power. I can understand how someone deems it necessary if somebody is in power to tear them down - I think that's really crucial. I make a lot of mean jokes about myself; as a theme, suffering seems to me a very interesting thing for comedy, but not the suffering of a particular individual.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dylan Moran" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/i-find-it-incredibly-boring-when-people-are-mean-about-some/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/584/dylan-moran-1716_boring_i-find-it-incredibly-boring-when-people_702167.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/584/dylan-moran-1716_boring_i-find-it-incredibly-boring-when-people_702167.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/584/dylan-moran-1716_boring_i-find-it-incredibly-boring-when-people_702167.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I find it incredibly boring when people are mean about some individuals, especially if the individual has no…” — Dylan Moran", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "So here are some foolproof recipes for those of you who understand the true function of food. Bean Treat: Gingerly pour four fluid oz of beans or something into a jug. Cry. Eat the beans from the jug and pour the rest from the can down your throat. N.B. These taste better if they belong to somebody else in your house. Pain au Dunk: Fists of bread, rent from the loaf and dunked into anything runnier than bread. Should eat at least six of these because…you should. Don’t toast the bread. Toast is cookery.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dylan Moran" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/so-here-are-some-foolproof-recipes-for-those-of-you-who-understand/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d62/dylan-moran-1716_beans_so-here-are-some-foolproof-recipes-for-t_272922.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d62/dylan-moran-1716_beans_so-here-are-some-foolproof-recipes-for-t_272922.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d62/dylan-moran-1716_beans_so-here-are-some-foolproof-recipes-for-t_272922.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“So here are some foolproof recipes for those of you who understand the true function of food. Bean Treat…” — Dylan Moran", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I don't mind most religious people, I talk to them. I listen to them, you know, banging on. \"I prayed very hard and then the fairy came.\" \"Did he? Good. Have a biscuit.\" I only get annoyed when they try and make me see the fairy. \"You have to let the fairy into your heart.\" Look, I wouldn't let him into my garden, okay? I'd shoot him on sight, if he existed, which he doesn't. Now have another biccie and be quiet, will you please?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dylan Moran" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dylan-moran/i-don-t-mind-most-religious-people-i-talk-to-them-i-listen-to-them/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/45d/dylan-moran-1716_annoyed_i-don-t-mind-most-religious-people-i-tal_3062766.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/45d/dylan-moran-1716_annoyed_i-don-t-mind-most-religious-people-i-tal_3062766.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/45d/dylan-moran-1716_annoyed_i-don-t-mind-most-religious-people-i-tal_3062766.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I don't mind most religious people, I talk to them. I listen to them, you know, banging on. \"I prayed very…” — Dylan Moran", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/dylan-moran/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/dylan-moran/", "name": "Ifs Quotes by Dylan Moran", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/dylan-moran/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bf2/dylan-moran-1716_arses_now-i-m-not-an-expert-at-mathematics-but_2038180.jpg" }, "description": "14 Ifs quotes by Dylan Moran. 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