--- title: "12 Ifs Quotes By Doug Benson" description: "12 Ifs quotes by Doug Benson. Plus more from Doug Benson and more Ifs sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27a/doug-benson-8961_comedy_stand-up-is-a-very-scary-very-solitary-p_512122.png" --- > [Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/stand-up-is-a-very-scary-very-solitary-profession-but-you-have-to/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27a/doug-benson-8961_comedy_stand-up-is-a-very-scary-very-solitary-p_512122.png) > [Even if you are 18, my advice to you is: plan for your future.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/even-if-you-are-18-my-advice-to-you-is-plan-for-your-future/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9fb/doug-benson-8961_advice_even-if-you-are-18-my-advice-to-you-is-p_677068.png) > [In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/in-seattle-they-have-a-saying-if-you-don-t-like-the-weather-wait-five/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a5c/doug-benson-8961_faces_in-seattle-they-have-a-saying-if-you-don_1627817.png) > [In terms of my lungs, pot smoking is not like cigarette smoking. It doesn't affect the lungs as quickly, or as much…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/in-terms-of-my-lungs-pot-smoking-is-not-like-cigarette-smoking-it/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/620/doug-benson-8961_cigarette_in-terms-of-my-lungs-pot-smoking-is-not_917027.jpg) > [Society has definitely gotten to the point where everybody has to comment on anything, and if you want to stay sane as…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/society-has-definitely-gotten-to-the-point-where-everybody-has-to/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f74/doug-benson-8961_better-off_society-has-definitely-gotten-to-the-poi_2392781.jpg) > [You can't always be 100-percent positive that a joke will work, so you've just got to try it. Fortunately, if one new…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/you-can-t-always-be-100-percent-positive-that-a-joke-will-work-so-you/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bc1/doug-benson-8961_backup_you-can-t-always-be-100-percent-positive_2256146.png) > [If you ever go to Las Vegas, and you will, just go for a few days. I was there recently for seven…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/if-you-ever-go-to-las-vegas-and-you-will-just-go-for-a-few-days-i-was/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0ec/doug-benson-8961_gambling_if-you-ever-go-to-las-vegas-and-you-will_3052007.png) > [A talking dog is not the answer. That's not a way to convince people not to smoke pot. If animals started talking…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/a-talking-dog-is-not-the-answer-that-s-not-a-way-to-convince-people/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c9c/doug-benson-8961_animal_a-talking-dog-is-not-the-answer-that-s-n_266835.png) > [I grew up in San Diego, so it wasn't hard to move to L.A. to get into show business, but I did…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/i-grew-up-in-san-diego-so-it-wasn-t-hard-to-move-to-l-a-to-get-into/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/91a/doug-benson-8961_business_i-grew-up-in-san-diego-so-it-wasn-t-hard_13196.png) > [If someone wants to make a joke about me smoking too much pot, I'm not going to get mad at them, because…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/if-someone-wants-to-make-a-joke-about-me-smoking-too-much-pot-i-m-not/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/200/doug-benson-8961_comedy_if-someone-wants-to-make-a-joke-about-me_1027718.png) > [I'm not trying to recruit anyone. I think minds can be changed, but I also think they don't have to be changed.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/i-m-not-trying-to-recruit-anyone-i-think-minds-can-be-changed-but-i/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cce/doug-benson-8961_change_i-m-not-trying-to-recruit-anyone-i-think_2994537.png) > [I get a message from Stephen Falk saying, "Hey, if I wrote a part for you in You're The Worst, would you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/i-get-a-message-from-stephen-falk-saying-hey-if-i-wrote-a-part-for/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b17/doug-benson-8961_courses_i-get-a-message-from-stephen-falk-saying_1141028.jpg) ## Other authors on Ifs ## More by Doug Benson > [I grew up in San Diego, so it wasn't hard to move to L.A. to get into show business, but I did the standard…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/i-grew-up-in-san-diego-so-it-wasn-t-hard-to-move-to-l-a-to-get-into/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) > [It's easier to do comedy with an audience, because their reactions tell you whether or not what your saying qualifies as comedy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/it-s-easier-to-do-comedy-with-an-audience-because-their-reactions/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) > [The whole pot-to-alcohol thing is a huge issue with me, because I've grown to hate drunks so much, and like potheads.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/the-whole-pot-to-alcohol-thing-is-a-huge-issue-with-me-because-i-ve/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) > [I know there's a lot of nasty humor directed at celebrities, but my feeling is, in most cases, they deserve it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/i-know-there-s-a-lot-of-nasty-humor-directed-at-celebrities-but-my/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) > [Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/big-deal-the-only-cats-that-don-t-have-three-legs-are-the-ones-with/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) > [Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/has-anybody-here-ever-been-driving-along-in-their-car-smoking-a/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) > [A talking dog is not the answer. That's not a way to convince people not to smoke pot. If animals started talking to me,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/a-talking-dog-is-not-the-answer-that-s-not-a-way-to-convince-people/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) > [I think there is much more storytelling in stand-up now. Less emphasis on the joke. Jokes are still important, but it feels like a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/i-think-there-is-much-more-storytelling-in-stand-up-now-less-emphasis/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) > [I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/i-just-broke-up-with-my-girlfriend-because-i-caught-her-lying-under/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) > [Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/stand-up-is-a-very-scary-very-solitary-profession-but-you-have-to/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) > [People come to me with ideas for shows, and I certainly am thinking of stuff all the time. And it's always like, you know,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/people-come-to-me-with-ideas-for-shows-and-i-certainly-am-thinking-of/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) > [Even if you are 18, my advice to you is: plan for your future.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/even-if-you-are-18-my-advice-to-you-is-plan-for-your-future/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) > [There was always, along the way in my career, as more and more I made marijuana a part of my act and my life,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/there-was-always-along-the-way-in-my-career-as-more-and-more-i-made/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) > [My parents took me to that I think is just one of those near-perfect comedies is Young Frankenstein. Gene Wilder and Mel Brooks, they're…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/my-parents-took-me-to-that-i-think-is-just-one-of-those-near-perfect/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) > [Rappers should be forced to rhyme in their acceptance speeches.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/rappers-should-be-forced-to-rhyme-in-their-acceptance-speeches/) [Doug Benson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/doug-benson/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/doug-benson/#itemlist", "name": "12 Ifs Quotes By Doug Benson", "numberOfItems": 12, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Doug Benson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/stand-up-is-a-very-scary-very-solitary-profession-but-you-have-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27a/doug-benson-8961_comedy_stand-up-is-a-very-scary-very-solitary-p_512122.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27a/doug-benson-8961_comedy_stand-up-is-a-very-scary-very-solitary-p_512122.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27a/doug-benson-8961_comedy_stand-up-is-a-very-scary-very-solitary-p_512122.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's…” — Doug Benson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Even if you are 18, my advice to you is: plan for your future.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Doug Benson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/even-if-you-are-18-my-advice-to-you-is-plan-for-your-future/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9fb/doug-benson-8961_advice_even-if-you-are-18-my-advice-to-you-is-p_677068.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9fb/doug-benson-8961_advice_even-if-you-are-18-my-advice-to-you-is-p_677068.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9fb/doug-benson-8961_advice_even-if-you-are-18-my-advice-to-you-is-p_677068.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Even if you are 18, my advice to you is: plan for your future.” — Doug Benson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Doug Benson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/in-seattle-they-have-a-saying-if-you-don-t-like-the-weather-wait-five/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a5c/doug-benson-8961_faces_in-seattle-they-have-a-saying-if-you-don_1627817.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a5c/doug-benson-8961_faces_in-seattle-they-have-a-saying-if-you-don_1627817.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a5c/doug-benson-8961_faces_in-seattle-they-have-a-saying-if-you-don_1627817.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in…” — Doug Benson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "In terms of my lungs, pot smoking is not like cigarette smoking. It doesn't affect the lungs as quickly, or as much over time. If I stopped pot smoking today, my lungs could heal probably 100 percent in a few years.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Doug Benson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/in-terms-of-my-lungs-pot-smoking-is-not-like-cigarette-smoking-it/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/620/doug-benson-8961_cigarette_in-terms-of-my-lungs-pot-smoking-is-not_917027.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/620/doug-benson-8961_cigarette_in-terms-of-my-lungs-pot-smoking-is-not_917027.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/620/doug-benson-8961_cigarette_in-terms-of-my-lungs-pot-smoking-is-not_917027.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“In terms of my lungs, pot smoking is not like cigarette smoking. 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Fortunately, if one new joke doesn't work, I've got lots of old ones that do. Just like cops, it's important to have backup.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Doug Benson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/you-can-t-always-be-100-percent-positive-that-a-joke-will-work-so-you/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bc1/doug-benson-8961_backup_you-can-t-always-be-100-percent-positive_2256146.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bc1/doug-benson-8961_backup_you-can-t-always-be-100-percent-positive_2256146.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bc1/doug-benson-8961_backup_you-can-t-always-be-100-percent-positive_2256146.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“You can't always be 100-percent positive that a joke will work, so you've just got to try it. Fortunately…” — Doug Benson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you ever go to Las Vegas, and you will, just go for a few days. I was there recently for seven days, seven days in Vegas. After I blew all my money on gambling and prostitution, I had six days to kill.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Doug Benson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/if-you-ever-go-to-las-vegas-and-you-will-just-go-for-a-few-days-i-was/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0ec/doug-benson-8961_gambling_if-you-ever-go-to-las-vegas-and-you-will_3052007.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0ec/doug-benson-8961_gambling_if-you-ever-go-to-las-vegas-and-you-will_3052007.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0ec/doug-benson-8961_gambling_if-you-ever-go-to-las-vegas-and-you-will_3052007.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you ever go to Las Vegas, and you will, just go for a few days. I was there recently for seven days…” — Doug Benson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "A talking dog is not the answer. That's not a way to convince people not to smoke pot. If animals started talking to me, I would up my pot consumption just to make that happen.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Doug Benson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/a-talking-dog-is-not-the-answer-that-s-not-a-way-to-convince-people/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c9c/doug-benson-8961_animal_a-talking-dog-is-not-the-answer-that-s-n_266835.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c9c/doug-benson-8961_animal_a-talking-dog-is-not-the-answer-that-s-n_266835.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c9c/doug-benson-8961_animal_a-talking-dog-is-not-the-answer-that-s-n_266835.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“A talking dog is not the answer. That's not a way to convince people not to smoke pot. If animals started…” — Doug Benson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I grew up in San Diego, so it wasn't hard to move to L.A. to get into show business, but I did the standard thing of just moving without much money and just seeing if I could make it work.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Doug Benson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/i-grew-up-in-san-diego-so-it-wasn-t-hard-to-move-to-l-a-to-get-into/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/91a/doug-benson-8961_business_i-grew-up-in-san-diego-so-it-wasn-t-hard_13196.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/91a/doug-benson-8961_business_i-grew-up-in-san-diego-so-it-wasn-t-hard_13196.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/91a/doug-benson-8961_business_i-grew-up-in-san-diego-so-it-wasn-t-hard_13196.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I grew up in San Diego, so it wasn't hard to move to L.A. to get into show business, but I did the standard…” — Doug Benson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If someone wants to make a joke about me smoking too much pot, I'm not going to get mad at them, because I've put it out there that that's what I do.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Doug Benson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/if-someone-wants-to-make-a-joke-about-me-smoking-too-much-pot-i-m-not/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/200/doug-benson-8961_comedy_if-someone-wants-to-make-a-joke-about-me_1027718.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/200/doug-benson-8961_comedy_if-someone-wants-to-make-a-joke-about-me_1027718.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/200/doug-benson-8961_comedy_if-someone-wants-to-make-a-joke-about-me_1027718.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If someone wants to make a joke about me smoking too much pot, I'm not going to get mad at them, because…” — Doug Benson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I'm not trying to recruit anyone. I think minds can be changed, but I also think they don't have to be changed. If someone doesn't want to smoke pot and doesn't think it should be legal, then that's fine, but the numbers that do are going to continue to grow to the point where change will eventually occur.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Doug Benson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/i-m-not-trying-to-recruit-anyone-i-think-minds-can-be-changed-but-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cce/doug-benson-8961_change_i-m-not-trying-to-recruit-anyone-i-think_2994537.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cce/doug-benson-8961_change_i-m-not-trying-to-recruit-anyone-i-think_2994537.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cce/doug-benson-8961_change_i-m-not-trying-to-recruit-anyone-i-think_2994537.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I'm not trying to recruit anyone. I think minds can be changed, but I also think they don't have to be…” — Doug Benson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I get a message from Stephen Falk saying, \"Hey, if I wrote a part for you in You're The Worst, would you do it?\" I was like, \"Yes!\" And then, of course, later I found out it's going to be me playing myself sort of Larry Sanders-style where I'm the total opposite of what people would expect me to be. I was just like, \"Okay, what the hell.\" But it's really funny to portray me as somebody who is pretending to be a stoner just to succeed.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Doug Benson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/doug-benson/i-get-a-message-from-stephen-falk-saying-hey-if-i-wrote-a-part-for/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b17/doug-benson-8961_courses_i-get-a-message-from-stephen-falk-saying_1141028.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b17/doug-benson-8961_courses_i-get-a-message-from-stephen-falk-saying_1141028.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b17/doug-benson-8961_courses_i-get-a-message-from-stephen-falk-saying_1141028.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I get a message from Stephen Falk saying, \"Hey, if I wrote a part for you in You're The Worst, would you do…” — Doug Benson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/doug-benson/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/doug-benson/", "name": "Ifs Quotes by Doug Benson", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/doug-benson/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27a/doug-benson-8961_comedy_stand-up-is-a-very-scary-very-solitary-p_512122.png" }, "description": "12 Ifs quotes by Doug Benson. 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