--- title: "26 Ifs Quotes By Dennis Miller" description: "26 Ifs quotes by Dennis Miller. Plus more from Dennis Miller and more Ifs sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e20/dennis-miller-1315_billions_if-bill-gates-is-worth-30-billion-then-a_1244334.png" --- > [If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/if-bill-gates-is-worth-30-billion-then-a-good-haircut-must-cost-31/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e20/dennis-miller-1315_billions_if-bill-gates-is-worth-30-billion-then-a_1244334.png) > [Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/hey-what-if-those-crop-circles-are-just-ads-for-target/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f4/dennis-miller-1315_ads_hey-what-if-those-crop-circles-are-just_1180594.png) > [American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/american-s-could-be-any-more-self-absorbed-if-they-were-made-of-equal/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9ea/dennis-miller-1315_america_american-s-could-be-any-more-self-absorb_62121.png) > [If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/if-i-want-low-impact-aerobics-i-ll-masturbate-if-i-want-high-impact/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/df4/dennis-miller-1315_aerobics_if-i-want-low-impact-aerobics-i-ll-mastu_2212058.png) > [Wouldn't it be great if all of Osama bin Laden's money was tied up in Enron stock?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/wouldn-t-it-be-great-if-all-of-osama-bin-laden-s-money-was-tied-up-in/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4c6/dennis-miller-1315_bin-laden_wouldn-t-it-be-great-if-all-of-osama-bin_3092864.png) > [If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/if-i-had-wanted-to-ice-the-little-toad-i-would-have-done-it-a-long/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1f4/dennis-miller-1315_done_if-i-had-wanted-to-ice-the-little-toad-i_335254.png) > [Al Gore couldn't be more phony if he were a professional Al Gore impersonator](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/al-gore-couldn-t-be-more-phony-if-he-were-a-professional-al-gore/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a5b/dennis-miller-1315_al-gore_al-gore-couldn-t-be-more-phony-if-he-wer_2409324.png) > [If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/if-you-re-a-man-and-you-have-big-tits-don-t-wear-a-tight-t-shirt-okay/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c65/dennis-miller-1315_bigs_if-you-re-a-man-and-you-have-big-tits-do_3203093.png) > [ I think \[Ann Coulter\] understands that, she's Pavlov's dog. She gets the corn kernel if she hits that drum once in a… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/i-think-ann-coulter-understands-that-she-s-pavlov-s-dog-she-gets-the/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/152/dennis-miller-1315_corn_i-think-ann-coulter-understands-that-she_3233735.png) > [The Nazi signs have got to stop. If you're in a peace march and the guy next to you has a sign…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/the-nazi-signs-have-got-to-stop-if-you-re-in-a-peace-march-and-the/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3ce/dennis-miller-1315_ass_the-nazi-signs-have-got-to-stop-if-you-r_2837338.jpg) > [Trends don't mean anything to me. If I like something, I'll do it. If I don't, I won't do it, and I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/trends-don-t-mean-anything-to-me-if-i-like-something-i-ll-do-it-if-i/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/94c/dennis-miller-1315_care_trends-don-t-mean-anything-to-me-if-i-li_1532464.png) > [If you could use the Internet somehow to see how a Fiji sailor is doing, rather than having to read a text…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/if-you-could-use-the-internet-somehow-to-see-how-a-fiji-sailor-is/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d90/dennis-miller-1315_fiji_if-you-could-use-the-internet-somehow-to_1552903.png) > [If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/if-some-unemployed-punk-in-new-jersey-can-get-a-cassette-to-make-love/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/616/dennis-miller-1315_cassette_if-some-unemployed-punk-in-new-jersey-ca_1475831.png) > [If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/if-somebody-wants-to-shoot-up-and-die-in-front-of-you-more-power-to/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da1/dennis-miller-1315_dies_if-somebody-wants-to-shoot-up-and-die-in_2779073.png) > [I love this country for several reasons, not the least of which is that I know I'm allowed to hate it if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/i-love-this-country-for-several-reasons-not-the-least-of-which-is/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ab9/dennis-miller-1315_country_i-love-this-country-for-several-reasons_1253980.png) > [A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you've…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/a-good-rule-of-thumb-is-if-you-ve-made-it-to-35-and-your-job-still/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7bd/dennis-miller-1315_errors_a-good-rule-of-thumb-is-if-you-ve-made-i_1486399.png) > [Yeah, this country's founding fathers are a bunch of dead rich white men, but they did set things up so you could…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/yeah-this-country-s-founding-fathers-are-a-bunch-of-dead-rich-white/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/67a/dennis-miller-1315_bowls_yeah-this-country-s-founding-fathers-are_2389816.png) > [Seems to me we move the furniture, the French come in later and put the doilies on top of it...It's a simple…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/seems-to-me-we-move-the-furniture-the-french-come-in-later-and-put/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e67/dennis-miller-1315_dirty_seems-to-me-we-move-the-furniture-the-fr_2242120.png) > [I don't know what I think of George W. Bush when he first got in, but I've grown fond of the man,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/i-don-t-know-what-i-think-of-george-w-bush-when-he-first-got-in-but-i/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/41a/dennis-miller-1315_care_i-don-t-know-what-i-think-of-george-w-bu_2170399.jpg) > [It's a cocktail-party circuit in D.C., That guy who couldn't master the guitar and get in a band and get laid, he…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/it-s-a-cocktail-party-circuit-in-d-c-that-guy-who-couldn-t-master-the/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/058/dennis-miller-1315_band_it-s-a-cocktail-party-circuit-in-d-c-tha_2538646.jpg) > [By and large, I think it should be a rule in the teacher employment manual that you can't go attend any event…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/by-and-large-i-think-it-should-be-a-rule-in-the-teacher-employment/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/159/dennis-miller-1315_classroom_by-and-large-i-think-it-should-be-a-rule_354296.png) > [The White House again refused to turn over discussions Vice President Cheney had with Enron officials over energy policy. Cheney said if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/the-white-house-again-refused-to-turn-over-discussions-vice-president/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f1e/dennis-miller-1315_climate_the-white-house-again-refused-to-turn-ov_1092028.jpg) > [Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/then-people-ask-me-if-i-m-worried-about-the-effects-of-global-warming/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f6b/dennis-miller-1315_ask-me_then-people-ask-me-if-i-m-worried-about_2387547.png) > [Now, personally, I am baffled by the concept of racial prejudice. Why hate someone based on the color of their skin when,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/now-personally-i-am-baffled-by-the-concept-of-racial-prejudice-why/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/236/dennis-miller-1315_baffled_now-personally-i-am-baffled-by-the-conce_1018701.png) > [I'm left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/i-m-left-on-a-lot-of-things-if-two-gay-guys-want-to-get-married-i/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a6d/dennis-miller-1315_blow_i-m-left-on-a-lot-of-things-if-two-gay-g_62082.png) > [In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/in-regards-to-oral-roberts-claim-that-god-told-him-that-he-would-die/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3a2/dennis-miller-1315_agnostic_in-regards-to-oral-roberts-claim-that-go_728409.png) ## Other authors on Ifs ## More by Dennis Miller > [Laughter is one of the great beacons in life because we don't refract it by gunning it through our intellectual prism. What makes us…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/laughter-is-one-of-the-great-beacons-in-life-because-we-don-t-refract/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) > [It takes zero politically correct people to screw in a lightbulb because they are perpetually in the dark.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/it-takes-zero-politically-correct-people-to-screw-in-a-lightbulb/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) > [Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this."](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/drop-the-veneer-periodically-and-be-like-ok-i-m-an-imperfect-human/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) > [I'm left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/i-m-left-on-a-lot-of-things-if-two-gay-guys-want-to-get-married-i/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) > [American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/american-s-could-be-any-more-self-absorbed-if-they-were-made-of-equal/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) > [Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/nowadays-with-history-not-being-taught-anymore-in-american-public/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) > [I think abortion's wrong, but it's none of my business to tell somebody what's wrong, he said. So I'm pro-choice. I want to keep…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/i-think-abortion-s-wrong-but-it-s-none-of-my-business-to-tell/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) > [Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/americans-stick-their-nose-where-it-doesn-t-belong-more-than-cyrano/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) > [We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/we-need-anything-politically-important-rationed-out-like-pez-small/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) > [Dennis Kucinich's politics are more scrambled than Rod Steiger's dream journal.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/dennis-kucinich-s-politics-are-more-scrambled-than-rod-steiger-s/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) > [Somebody call Janet Reno - I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/somebody-call-janet-reno-i-think-i-just-saw-donato-dragging-doug/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) > [I have sympathy for any human being that's driven by their limbic part of their brain. We all know that exists in a person.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/i-have-sympathy-for-any-human-being-that-s-driven-by-their-limbic/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) > [I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/i-haven-t-seen-someone-so-overmatched-since-mike-tyson-tried-to/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) > [ There's a lot of differing data \[about global warming\], but as far as I can gather, over the last hundred years the temperature on… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/there-s-a-lot-of-differing-data-about-global-warming-but-as-far-as-i/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) > [The good thing about Pittsburgh, it's a good place to be raised... it doesn't tolerate assholes. You're either a good guy or you're a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/the-good-thing-about-pittsburgh-it-s-a-good-place-to-be-raised-it/) [Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dennis-miller/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/dennis-miller/#itemlist", "name": "26 Ifs Quotes By Dennis Miller", "numberOfItems": 26, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dennis Miller" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/if-bill-gates-is-worth-30-billion-then-a-good-haircut-must-cost-31/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e20/dennis-miller-1315_billions_if-bill-gates-is-worth-30-billion-then-a_1244334.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e20/dennis-miller-1315_billions_if-bill-gates-is-worth-30-billion-then-a_1244334.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e20/dennis-miller-1315_billions_if-bill-gates-is-worth-30-billion-then-a_1244334.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion” — Dennis Miller", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dennis Miller" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/hey-what-if-those-crop-circles-are-just-ads-for-target/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f4/dennis-miller-1315_ads_hey-what-if-those-crop-circles-are-just_1180594.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f4/dennis-miller-1315_ads_hey-what-if-those-crop-circles-are-just_1180594.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f4/dennis-miller-1315_ads_hey-what-if-those-crop-circles-are-just_1180594.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?” — Dennis Miller", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dennis Miller" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/american-s-could-be-any-more-self-absorbed-if-they-were-made-of-equal/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9ea/dennis-miller-1315_america_american-s-could-be-any-more-self-absorb_62121.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9ea/dennis-miller-1315_america_american-s-could-be-any-more-self-absorb_62121.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9ea/dennis-miller-1315_america_american-s-could-be-any-more-self-absorb_62121.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.” — Dennis Miller", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. 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If I don't, I won't do it, and I wouldn't care if everybody in the country mocked me.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dennis Miller" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/trends-don-t-mean-anything-to-me-if-i-like-something-i-ll-do-it-if-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/94c/dennis-miller-1315_care_trends-don-t-mean-anything-to-me-if-i-li_1532464.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/94c/dennis-miller-1315_care_trends-don-t-mean-anything-to-me-if-i-li_1532464.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/94c/dennis-miller-1315_care_trends-don-t-mean-anything-to-me-if-i-li_1532464.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Trends don't mean anything to me. If I like something, I'll do it. 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The herd has a way of thinning itself out.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dennis Miller" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/if-somebody-wants-to-shoot-up-and-die-in-front-of-you-more-power-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da1/dennis-miller-1315_dies_if-somebody-wants-to-shoot-up-and-die-in_2779073.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da1/dennis-miller-1315_dies_if-somebody-wants-to-shoot-up-and-die-in_2779073.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da1/dennis-miller-1315_dies_if-somebody-wants-to-shoot-up-and-die-in_2779073.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. 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Thank you. 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And if they want to get their hands dirty now they're just gonna have to run 'em through their own hair.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dennis Miller" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/seems-to-me-we-move-the-furniture-the-french-come-in-later-and-put/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e67/dennis-miller-1315_dirty_seems-to-me-we-move-the-furniture-the-fr_2242120.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e67/dennis-miller-1315_dirty_seems-to-me-we-move-the-furniture-the-fr_2242120.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e67/dennis-miller-1315_dirty_seems-to-me-we-move-the-furniture-the-fr_2242120.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Seems to me we move the furniture, the French come in later and put the doilies on top of it...It's a simple…” — Dennis Miller", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 19, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I don't know what I think of George W. Bush when he first got in, but I've grown fond of the man, and maybe it's the times we live in. They say he's not an environmentalist. But every time I see his ranch on TV, it looks pretty nice. You know something, if we all took care of our own, we'd have a great environment.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dennis Miller" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/i-don-t-know-what-i-think-of-george-w-bush-when-he-first-got-in-but-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/41a/dennis-miller-1315_care_i-don-t-know-what-i-think-of-george-w-bu_2170399.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/41a/dennis-miller-1315_care_i-don-t-know-what-i-think-of-george-w-bu_2170399.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/41a/dennis-miller-1315_care_i-don-t-know-what-i-think-of-george-w-bu_2170399.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I don't know what I think of George W. Bush when he first got in, but I've grown fond of the man, and maybe…” — Dennis Miller", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 20, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "It's a cocktail-party circuit in D.C., That guy who couldn't master the guitar and get in a band and get laid, he ends up there. Gary Condit make sense to me. He's away from his family, he's in D.C. - if he was a car dealer in the [San Fernando] Valley somewhere out there, he'd be the guy who was trying to get laid by offering you the free undercoating package.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dennis Miller" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/it-s-a-cocktail-party-circuit-in-d-c-that-guy-who-couldn-t-master-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/058/dennis-miller-1315_band_it-s-a-cocktail-party-circuit-in-d-c-tha_2538646.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/058/dennis-miller-1315_band_it-s-a-cocktail-party-circuit-in-d-c-tha_2538646.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/058/dennis-miller-1315_band_it-s-a-cocktail-party-circuit-in-d-c-tha_2538646.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“It's a cocktail-party circuit in D.C., That guy who couldn't master the guitar and get in a band and get…” — Dennis Miller", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 21, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "By and large, I think it should be a rule in the teacher employment manual that you can't go attend any event where if you took your classroom on a student field trip, they would summarily be obliterated. That should be rule No. 1.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dennis Miller" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/by-and-large-i-think-it-should-be-a-rule-in-the-teacher-employment/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/159/dennis-miller-1315_classroom_by-and-large-i-think-it-should-be-a-rule_354296.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/159/dennis-miller-1315_classroom_by-and-large-i-think-it-should-be-a-rule_354296.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/159/dennis-miller-1315_classroom_by-and-large-i-think-it-should-be-a-rule_354296.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“By and large, I think it should be a rule in the teacher employment manual that you can't go attend any…” — Dennis Miller", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 22, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The White House again refused to turn over discussions Vice President Cheney had with Enron officials over energy policy. Cheney said if he had to disclose every time some business donated a ton of money then came in to write its own policy to govern itself, he wouldn't get any work done.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dennis Miller" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/the-white-house-again-refused-to-turn-over-discussions-vice-president/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f1e/dennis-miller-1315_climate_the-white-house-again-refused-to-turn-ov_1092028.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f1e/dennis-miller-1315_climate_the-white-house-again-refused-to-turn-ov_1092028.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f1e/dennis-miller-1315_climate_the-white-house-again-refused-to-turn-ov_1092028.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The White House again refused to turn over discussions Vice President Cheney had with Enron officials over…” — Dennis Miller", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 23, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dennis Miller" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/then-people-ask-me-if-i-m-worried-about-the-effects-of-global-warming/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f6b/dennis-miller-1315_ask-me_then-people-ask-me-if-i-m-worried-about_2387547.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f6b/dennis-miller-1315_ask-me_then-people-ask-me-if-i-m-worried-about_2387547.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f6b/dennis-miller-1315_ask-me_then-people-ask-me-if-i-m-worried-about_2387547.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. 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Why hate someone based on the color of their skin when, if you take the time to get to know them as a human being, you can find so many other things to hate them for?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dennis Miller" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/now-personally-i-am-baffled-by-the-concept-of-racial-prejudice-why/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/236/dennis-miller-1315_baffled_now-personally-i-am-baffled-by-the-conce_1018701.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/236/dennis-miller-1315_baffled_now-personally-i-am-baffled-by-the-conce_1018701.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/236/dennis-miller-1315_baffled_now-personally-i-am-baffled-by-the-conce_1018701.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Now, personally, I am baffled by the concept of racial prejudice. Why hate someone based on the color of…” — Dennis Miller", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 25, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I'm left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from overseas wants to blow up their wedding, that's when I'm right.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dennis Miller" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/i-m-left-on-a-lot-of-things-if-two-gay-guys-want-to-get-married-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a6d/dennis-miller-1315_blow_i-m-left-on-a-lot-of-things-if-two-gay-g_62082.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a6d/dennis-miller-1315_blow_i-m-left-on-a-lot-of-things-if-two-gay-g_62082.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a6d/dennis-miller-1315_blow_i-m-left-on-a-lot-of-things-if-two-gay-g_62082.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I'm left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from…” — Dennis Miller", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 26, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that 'if I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dennis Miller" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dennis-miller/in-regards-to-oral-roberts-claim-that-god-told-him-that-he-would-die/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3a2/dennis-miller-1315_agnostic_in-regards-to-oral-roberts-claim-that-go_728409.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3a2/dennis-miller-1315_agnostic_in-regards-to-oral-roberts-claim-that-go_728409.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3a2/dennis-miller-1315_agnostic_in-regards-to-oral-roberts-claim-that-go_728409.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by…” — Dennis Miller", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/dennis-miller/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/dennis-miller/", "name": "Ifs Quotes by Dennis Miller", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/dennis-miller/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e20/dennis-miller-1315_billions_if-bill-gates-is-worth-30-billion-then-a_1244334.png" }, "description": "26 Ifs quotes by Dennis Miller. 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