---
title: "67 Ifs Quotes By Demetri Martin"
description: "67 Ifs quotes by Demetri Martin. Plus more from Demetri Martin and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0b4/demetri-martin-511_books_if-i-had-a-bookstore-i-would-make-all-th_2397712.jpg"
---

> [If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/if-i-had-a-bookstore-i-would-make-all-the-mystery-novels-hard-to-find/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0b4/demetri-martin-511_books_if-i-had-a-bookstore-i-would-make-all-th_2397712.jpg)

> [Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/skeet-shooting-is-probably-more-satisfying-if-you-really-hate-skeets/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d35/demetri-martin-511_guns_skeet-shooting-is-probably-more-satisfyi_2938812.jpg)

> [If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/if-i-had-to-pick-one-artist-to-tile-my-bathroom-i-would-go-with-mc/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e00/demetri-martin-511_art_if-i-had-to-pick-one-artist-to-tile-my-b_1995277.jpg)

> [It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/it-would-be-interesting-if-elvis-were-reincarnated-as-an-elvis/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/931/demetri-martin-511_elvis_it-would-be-interesting-if-elvis-were-re_628397.jpg)

> [I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-can-move-objects-with-my-mind-if-i-use-my-hands/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3da/demetri-martin-511_hands_i-can-move-objects-with-my-mind-if-i-use_1638436.jpg)

> [If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/if-you-are-trying-to-impress-a-woman-leave-any-sort-of-show-farting/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cb9/demetri-martin-511_equations_if-you-are-trying-to-impress-a-woman-lea_1920816.jpg)

> [If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/if-you-have-a-lair-then-you-are-probably-not-a-good-person/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dd9/demetri-martin-511_good-person_if-you-have-a-lair-then-you-are-probably_1447484.jpg)

> [I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-wonder-if-as-a-society-we-will-ever-be-able-to-call-someone-a-jive/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/45a/demetri-martin-511_able_i-wonder-if-as-a-society-we-will-ever-be_2708533.jpg)

> [What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/what-i-ve-learned-about-my-self-over-the-years-is-that-i-m-pretty/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c90/demetri-martin-511_difficulty_what-i-ve-learned-about-my-self-over-the_910581.jpg)

> [If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/if-you-really-think-about-it-hitting-the-snooze-button-in-the-morning/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/067/demetri-martin-511_buttons_if-you-really-think-about-it-hitting-the_1893456.jpg)

> [I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-m-not-a-lawmaker-but-i-was-thinking-that-if-you-have-a-really-loud/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a5f/demetri-martin-511_ears_i-m-not-a-lawmaker-but-i-was-thinking-th_1560019.jpg)

> [I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-saw-a-dog-wearing-a-sweater-and-i-thought-that-looked-ridiculous/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a74/demetri-martin-511_arms_i-saw-a-dog-wearing-a-sweater-and-i-thou_1353412.jpg)

> [I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-saw-a-sign-that-said-watch-for-children-i-was-like-that-sounds-like/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/407/demetri-martin-511_children_i-saw-a-sign-that-said-watch-for-childre_1178165.jpg)

> [If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/if-you-want-to-make-a-mythical-creature-just-take-a-regular-animal/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f6/demetri-martin-511_add_if-you-want-to-make-a-mythical-creature_1586099.jpg)

> [Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/here-is-a-tip-for-all-you-young-people-drinking-wine-with-pasta-drink/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/049/demetri-martin-511_annoying_here-is-a-tip-for-all-you-young-people-d_2074278.jpg)

> [If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/if-you-are-wearing-a-bandana-you-better-have-something-wise-to-say/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ac/demetri-martin-511_credibility_if-you-are-wearing-a-bandana-you-better_3172917.jpg)

> [There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/there-are-jokes-i-know-i-want-to-tell-and-there-s-sort-of-a-rough/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/78d/demetri-martin-511_audience_there-are-jokes-i-know-i-want-to-tell-an_3023221.jpg)

> [I'm a producer on my show, which is great, but it's also kind of a mixed blessing because there's so much responsibility.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-m-a-producer-on-my-show-which-is-great-but-it-s-also-kind-of-a/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f12/demetri-martin-511_blessing_i-m-a-producer-on-my-show-which-is-great_1291076.jpg)

> [Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/laborers-want-their-kids-to-be-merchants-or-business-people-business/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a20/demetri-martin-511_art_laborers-want-their-kids-to-be-merchants_373243.jpg)

> [For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/for-me-and-most-of-my-friends-who-are-comedians-if-you-ve-been-doing/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/be3/demetri-martin-511_comedian_for-me-and-most-of-my-friends-who-are-co_462872.jpg)

> [I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-if-i-pick-the-right-thing-to-spend-my-time-doing-then-time/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e11/demetri-martin-511_alive_i-think-if-i-pick-the-right-thing-to-spe_161105.jpg)

> [I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-was-thinking-how-strange-it-is-that-water-is-one-of-the-best/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/593/demetri-martin-511_blackberries_i-was-thinking-how-strange-it-is-that-wa_1468556.jpg)

> [I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-ve-learned-something-on-the-road-traveling-around-state-shapes-the/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/721/demetri-martin-511_areas_i-ve-learned-something-on-the-road-trave_1379698.jpg)

> [If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/if-i-think-of-a-joke-that-s-really-dirty-and-i-think-it-s-funny-i-ll/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ee5/demetri-martin-511_coming-out_if-i-think-of-a-joke-that-s-really-dirty_1105658.jpg)

> [Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/man-versus-woman-equals-fun-man-versus-man-equals-gay-woman-versus/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ea9/demetri-martin-511_ahead-of-time_man-versus-woman-equals-fun-man-versus-m_466321.jpg)

> [If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/if-you-want-to-feel-less-sexy-put-scotch-tape-on-your-nipples/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/713/demetri-martin-511_feels_if-you-want-to-feel-less-sexy-put-scotch_278227.jpg)

> [If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/if-i-were-blind-i-d-wear-a-blindfold-all-the-time/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/110/demetri-martin-511_blind_if-i-were-blind-i-d-wear-a-blindfold-all_1776876.jpg)

> [If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/if-you-want-to-dry-hump-someone-you-don-t-know-just-act-like-they/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/165/demetri-martin-511_choke_if-you-want-to-dry-hump-someone-you-don_505399.jpg)

> [I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-cats-would-have-an-even-worse-attitude-if-they-found-out-how/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d0e/demetri-martin-511_attitude_i-think-cats-would-have-an-even-worse-at_1693918.jpg)

> [The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/the-key-to-life-is-balance-especially-if-you-are-on-a-ledge/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dac/demetri-martin-511_balance_the-key-to-life-is-balance-especially-if_2602564.jpg)

> [People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/people-only-mention-it-s-a-free-country-if-they-re-doing-something/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/418/demetri-martin-511_comedian_people-only-mention-it-s-a-free-country_420251.jpg)

> [I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-wonder-if-it-s-rude-for-a-deaf-person-to-talk-with-food-in-their/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/78c/demetri-martin-511_deaf_i-wonder-if-it-s-rude-for-a-deaf-person_1261581.jpg)

> [If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/if-i-could-control-the-behavior-of-fat-guys-i-would-make-them-ride/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d1/demetri-martin-511_behavior_if-i-could-control-the-behavior-of-fat-g_992897.jpg)

> [If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/if-you-drink-enough-beer-everything-turns-in-to-a-bed/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/31a/demetri-martin-511_alcohol_if-you-drink-enough-beer-everything-turn_1364934.jpg)

> [If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/if-only-loud-people-were-even-half-as-interesting-as-they-think-they/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d50/demetri-martin-511_half_if-only-loud-people-were-even-half-as-in_3094579.jpg)

> [A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/a-dreamcatcher-works-if-your-dream-is-to-be-gay/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/59f/demetri-martin-511_dream_a-dreamcatcher-works-if-your-dream-is-to_2648821.jpg)

> [Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/bowling-would-be-more-interesting-if-it-were-slightly-uphill/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7b5/demetri-martin-511_bowling_bowling-would-be-more-interesting-if-it_904332.jpg)

> [I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-there-are-so-many-little-hurdles-and-impediments-with-stand/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/505/demetri-martin-511_comedy_i-think-there-are-so-many-little-hurdles_322569.jpg)

> [I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh\*t all over them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-statues-are-great-they-show-what-great-people-would-look-like/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8e1/demetri-martin-511_bird_i-think-statues-are-great-they-show-what_1301972.jpg)

> [If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a\*\*hole.'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/if-someone-throws-a-pie-at-your-face-just-open-your-mouth-really-wide/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0a5/demetri-martin-511_faces_if-someone-throws-a-pie-at-your-face-jus_3026621.jpg)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by Demetri Martin

> [I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-hair-gel-was-invented-to-make-it-easier-to-identify-assholes/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/tic-tacs-are-the-maracas-of-breath-mints/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/when-someone-describes-themself-as-a-taxpayer-they-re-about-to-be-an/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [I think they named the orange before the carrot.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-they-named-the-orange-before-the-carrot/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-like-to-go-to-concerts-because-i-love-to-see-my-favorite-band/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/how-fast-does-a-zebra-have-to-run-before-it-looks-gray/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/skiing-is-my-favorite-sport-because-that-s-the-only-sport-that-is/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-know-about-woodstock-probably-as-much-as-your-average-person-who-is/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/never-be-less-interesting-than-your-refrigerator-magnets/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-bought-a-cactus-a-week-later-it-died-and-i-got-depressed-because-i/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/a-wednesday-with-no-rain-is-a-dry-hump-day/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/thing-to-try-if-you-are-asked-to-describe-a-suspect-to-a-police/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/if-you-happen-to-catch-on-fire-during-the-show-do-not-panic-or-wave/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/they-say-that-structure-is-freedom-and-in-a-sense-it-is-when-you-re/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-my-favorite-sound-is-the-sound-of-someone-not-playing-the/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

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                        "text": "I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?",
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                        "text": "If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.",
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                        "text": "Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids to be academics, professors. Academics want their kids to be artists. And artists don't care if their kids are laborers or not. They can be anything.",
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                        "text": "I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I'm completely disconnected.",
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                        "text": "I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.",
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                        "text": "If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'",
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                        "text": "Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.",
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                        "text": "If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.",
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                        "text": "People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.",
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