---
title: "22 Ifs Quotes By David Sedaris"
description: "22 Ifs quotes by David Sedaris. Plus more from David Sedaris and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce6/david-sedaris-333_art_if-you-are-any-kind-of-an-artist-then-va_127429.png"
---

> [If you are any kind of an artist, then validation . . . can be a result, but you're going to do the work anyway.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/if-you-are-any-kind-of-an-artist-then-validation-can-be-a-result-but/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce6/david-sedaris-333_art_if-you-are-any-kind-of-an-artist-then-va_127429.png)

> [Usually, if I think something is really funny, it doesn't get any reaction whatsoever.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/usually-if-i-think-something-is-really-funny-it-doesn-t-get-any/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/016/david-sedaris-333_comedy_usually-if-i-think-something-is-really-f_1119626.png)

> [I don't like travelling if I know I have to write about it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/i-don-t-like-travelling-if-i-know-i-have-to-write-about-it/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cff/david-sedaris-333_ifs_i-don-t-like-travelling-if-i-know-i-have_2312445.png)

> [If I were president, I would turn the tables and allow the fetus to abort its mother.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/if-i-were-president-i-would-turn-the-tables-and-allow-the-fetus-to/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/682/david-sedaris-333_abort_if-i-were-president-i-would-turn-the-tab_1633144.png)

> [The difference between the first time I read something and the tenth time I read something is generally pretty profound. Even if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/the-difference-between-the-first-time-i-read-something-and-the-tenth/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/32e/david-sedaris-333_differences_the-difference-between-the-first-time-i_2261105.png)

> [If finding an apartment is like falling in love, buying one is like proposing on your first date and agreeing not to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/if-finding-an-apartment-is-like-falling-in-love-buying-one-is-like/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/306/david-sedaris-333_apartment_if-finding-an-apartment-is-like-falling_3042842.png)

> [If I'm stuck, I get up from my chair and I wash windows. Or... clean the bathroom. Or vacuum the attic. There's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/if-i-m-stuck-i-get-up-from-my-chair-and-i-wash-windows-or-clean-the/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/39e/david-sedaris-333_attics_if-i-m-stuck-i-get-up-from-my-chair-and_1255465.png)

> [I always say to young people, "Get the hell out of the United States." Especially if you're young, like if you're 21…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/i-always-say-to-young-people-get-the-hell-out-of-the-united-states/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e05/david-sedaris-333_being-nice_i-always-say-to-young-people-get-the-hel_107229.jpg)

> [The difference between writing where you know where to draw the line and writing where you're being way too mean is whether…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/the-difference-between-writing-where-you-know-where-to-draw-the-line/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa7/david-sedaris-333_about-yourself_the-difference-between-writing-where-you_2336549.jpg)

> [What's strange is, the people who want to be in the position are never asked to be in the position. Like, if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/what-s-strange-is-the-people-who-want-to-be-in-the-position-are-never/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8ca/david-sedaris-333_convince_what-s-strange-is-the-people-who-want-to_814940.jpg)

> [You meet people who say, "Oh, I'd like to do such-and-such, but I don't have the time." But it always seemed to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/you-meet-people-who-say-oh-i-d-like-to-do-such-and-such-but-i-don-t/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c65/david-sedaris-333_ifs_you-meet-people-who-say-oh-i-d-like-to-d_1617131.png)

> [We're not unique in our family. We're more ambitious but we're not special. I'm not funnier than anyone else in my family;…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/we-re-not-unique-in-our-family-we-re-more-ambitious-but-we-re-not/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/18b/david-sedaris-333_ambitious_we-re-not-unique-in-our-family-we-re-mor_745650.jpg)

> [In America, if your next-door neighbor has a Rolls-Royce, you want one too. But in England, if your neighbor has a Rolls-Royce,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/in-america-if-your-next-door-neighbor-has-a-rolls-royce-you-want-one/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f48/david-sedaris-333_accidents_in-america-if-your-next-door-neighbor-ha_353985.png)

> [I think if you write humor, then people don't - you know - they don't give you that much credit. They tend…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/i-think-if-you-write-humor-then-people-don-t-you-know-they-don-t-give/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/960/david-sedaris-333_comedy_i-think-if-you-write-humor-then-people-d_1986545.png)

> [Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have to hold on to. If you're really desperate, you might need to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/sometimes-the-sins-you-haven-t-committed-are-all-you-have-to-hold-on/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/61d/david-sedaris-333_committed_sometimes-the-sins-you-haven-t-committed_1052654.png)

> [Writing helped to have jobs that involved running around, pushing things like dish carts and wheelbarrows. It would be hard to sit…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/writing-helped-to-have-jobs-that-involved-running-around-pushing/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c85/david-sedaris-333_abandon_writing-helped-to-have-jobs-that-involve_3153273.png)

> [I would still be reading out loud. I think that if you are any kind of an artist, then validation is just…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/i-would-still-be-reading-out-loud-i-think-that-if-you-are-any-kind-of/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5e9/david-sedaris-333_art_i-would-still-be-reading-out-loud-i-thin_799477.png)

> [I mean, I'm always happy if I have, like, humiliating asshole things that I did. I think: Oh good, that's a good…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/i-mean-i-m-always-happy-if-i-have-like-humiliating-asshole-things/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/673/david-sedaris-333_always-happy_i-mean-i-m-always-happy-if-i-have-like-h_2569855.png)

> [I like the trail that the Internet created. For example, I was watching one of those Douglas Sirk movies, and I noticed…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/i-like-the-trail-that-the-internet-created-for-example-i-was-watching/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/35e/david-sedaris-333_aspect_i-like-the-trail-that-the-internet-creat_1788152.jpg)

> [I don't worry about being exposed. When I'm writing about myself I think about myself as a character. There is a ton…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/i-don-t-worry-about-being-exposed-when-i-m-writing-about-myself-i/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/886/david-sedaris-333_character_i-don-t-worry-about-being-exposed-when-i_1028988.jpg)

> [The good thing about being gay, though, I always believed, is that you didn't make anyone go to a wedding. Nobody wants…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/the-good-thing-about-being-gay-though-i-always-believed-is-that-you/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/22a/david-sedaris-333_always-believe_the-good-thing-about-being-gay-though-i_1440541.png)

> [I'm not afraid to write about madness. I always figure that whatever most embarrasses you is something that everyone can relate to,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/i-m-not-afraid-to-write-about-madness-i-always-figure-that-whatever/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/79d/david-sedaris-333_audience_i-m-not-afraid-to-write-about-madness-i_2824411.png)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by David Sedaris

> [“Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—“A rescue snake, she’d be quick…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/plenty-of-animals-had-pets-but-few-were-more-devoted-than-the-mouse/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

> [“never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/never-fall-asleep-in-a-dumpster-never-underestimate-a-bee-never-drive/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

> [“It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/it-was-a-father-one-hand-resting-teapot-style-on-his-hip-and-the/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

> [“A Japanese woman we’d met in Paris came to the apartment yesterday and spent several hours explaining our appliances. The microwave, the water kettle,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/a-japanese-woman-we-d-met-in-paris-came-to-the-apartment-yesterday/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

> [One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming up here…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/one-thing-i-like-about-the-united-states-and-i-kind-of-miss-about-the/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

> [When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/when-you-read-comic-material-and-people-aren-t-laughing-how-do-you/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

> [“You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/you-have-how-many-children-in-your-family-the-teacher-would-ask-i-m/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

> [“Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/like-most-seasoned-phonies-i-roundly-suspect-that-everyone-is-as/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

> [As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/as-a-child-i-assumed-that-when-i-reached-adulthood-i-would-have-grown/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

> [“You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, just grabbing whatever you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/you-just-take-and-take-don-t-you-out-there-with-your-thumb-in-the-air/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

> [In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/in-other-parts-of-the-country-people-tried-to-stay-together-for-the/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

> [My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/my-boyfriend-got-me-a-computer-three-years-ago-i-ll-admit-it-does/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

> [I spent months searching for some secret code before I realized that common sense has nothing to do with it. Hysteria, psychosis, torture, depression:…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/i-spent-months-searching-for-some-secret-code-before-i-realized-that/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

> [I hated leaving a hole in the smoking world, and so I recruited someone to take my place. People have given me a lot…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/i-hated-leaving-a-hole-in-the-smoking-world-and-so-i-recruited/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

> [Write relentlessly, until you find your voice. Then, use it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-sedaris/write-relentlessly-until-you-find-your-voice-then-use-it/)

[David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-sedaris/)

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                        "text": "If I'm stuck, I get up from my chair and I wash windows. Or... clean the bathroom. Or vacuum the attic. There's always something to be done.",
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                        "text": "I always say to young people, \"Get the hell out of the United States.\" Especially if you're young, like if you're 21 or something. Let's say you don't speak any Italian. You're 21. Everyone's going to want to sleep with you and be nice to you. And the best way to learn a language is to sleep with someone from that country.",
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                        "text": "The difference between writing where you know where to draw the line and writing where you're being way too mean is whether you can tell that the writer is not talking to family or friends anymore. Generally, if you say something bad about somebody on stage, you need to say two bad things about yourself. A lot of times, I think I'm the worst person in the room.",
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                        "text": "What's strange is, the people who want to be in the position are never asked to be in the position. Like, if you don't want to do something, then people really want you to do it. And the more you say, \"No, really, I'm sorry, it's really not for me,\" the more they want to convince you that it is, in fact, for you, and that you'd be absolutely perfect.",
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                        "text": "You meet people who say, \"Oh, I'd like to do such-and-such, but I don't have the time.\" But it always seemed to me like you make the time. And if you have a wife or a job, if you have kids or whatever, you find a way. If you really want to do it, you make the time.",
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                        "text": "We're not unique in our family. We're more ambitious but we're not special. I'm not funnier than anyone else in my family; it's just that we wanted more than Raleigh, North Carolina, had to offer. If my brother wanted more than Raleigh had to offer, you would know his name. My sister Lisa has a really unique and different voice, but she doesn't want that. She's a fine writer, but never said, \"I want a book. I want that kind of attention.\"",
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                        "text": "In America, if your next-door neighbor has a Rolls-Royce, you want one too. But in England, if your neighbor has a Rolls-Royce, you want him to die in a fiery accident. That's a quote from someone else, but there's something about American optimism, that feeling you can do anything if you're at least middle class in America. If I can have a writing career, anyone can. There's nothing special about me.",
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                        "text": "I think if you write humor, then people don't - you know - they don't give you that much credit. They tend to think you just dictate your stories into a tape recorder. And I'm not necessarily insulted by that, because I think that just means that it looks easy.",
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                        "text": "Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have to hold on to. If you're really desperate, you might need to grope, saying, for example, \"I've never killed anyone with a hammer\" or \"I've never stolen from anyone who didn't deserve it.",
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                        "text": "Writing helped to have jobs that involved running around, pushing things like dish carts and wheelbarrows. It would be hard to sit at a desk all day, and then come to sit at another desk. Also, it helps to abandon hope. If I sit at my computer, determined to write a New Yorker story I won't get beyond the first sentence. It's better to put no pressure on it. What would happen if I followed the previous sentence with this one, I'll think. If the eighth draft is torture, the first should be fun. At least if you're writing humor.",
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                        "text": "I would still be reading out loud. I think that if you are any kind of an artist, then validation is just sort of... it can be a result, but you're going to do the work anyway. Because you're just wired that way. It's so engrained, it's such a part of your personality that you don't just stop doing it. Eventually I'll retire on some level, eventually no one will want to buy my books or a ticket to see me read, it's inevitable that's going to happe",
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                        "text": "I mean, I'm always happy if I have, like, humiliating asshole things that I did. I think: Oh good, that's a good story. Because if you write about humiliating asshole things other people do it doesn't work as well. I mean, you can, but you can get away with it better if you talk about what an asshole you are. It's much easier.",
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                        "text": "I like the trail that the Internet created. For example, I was watching one of those Douglas Sirk movies, and I noticed that Rock Hudson towered over everyone, and I typed in \"How tall was\" and I saw \"How tall was Jesus,\" and I'm like, \"Sure,\" and half an hour later you're somewhere you didn't expect to be. It doesn't work that same way in books, does it? Even if you have an encyclopedia, the trail isn't that crazy. I like that aspect of it.",
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                        "text": "I don't worry about being exposed. When I'm writing about myself I think about myself as a character. There is a ton of stuff going on in my life that I don't write about. If I need to write that stuff down, I write about myself in my diary.",
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