--- title: "10 Ifs Quotes By Dave Attell" description: "10 Ifs quotes by Dave Attell. Plus more from Dave Attell and more Ifs sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a7a/dave-attell-6101_comedy_sometimes-it-s-hard-to-tell-if-a-joke-is_2022912.png" --- > [Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/sometimes-it-s-hard-to-tell-if-a-joke-is-working-or-not-for-the-first/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a7a/dave-attell-6101_comedy_sometimes-it-s-hard-to-tell-if-a-joke-is_2022912.png) > [I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/i-masturbate-i-do-it-like-i-think-if-i-keep-doing-it-i-m-gonna-win/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa4/dave-attell-6101_doing_i-masturbate-i-do-it-like-i-think-if-i-k_172528.png) > [If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/if-you-take-off-your-pants-and-her-first-reaction-is-awwww-look-at-it/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bfc/dave-attell-6101_baby_if-you-take-off-your-pants-and-her-first_25887.png) > [You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/you-can-say-can-i-use-your-bathroom-and-nobody-cares-but-if-you-ask/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e20/dave-attell-6101_asks_you-can-say-can-i-use-your-bathroom-and_2160838.png) > [If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/if-you-go-to-germany-and-get-drunk-at-some-point-you-will-try-to-look/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d62/dave-attell-6101_book_if-you-go-to-germany-and-get-drunk-at-so_2143371.png) > [Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/never-drink-alone-that-s-what-they-say-but-you-know-what-if-you-drink/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e96/dave-attell-6101_alright_never-drink-alone-that-s-what-they-say-b_1492287.png) > [My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/my-gym-has-two-pound-weights-if-you-re-using-two-pound-weights-how/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eef/dave-attell-6101_doors_my-gym-has-two-pound-weights-if-you-re-u_1376403.jpg) > [If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/if-i-was-to-have-sex-with-one-animal-it-would-be-a-horse-that-is-a/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c72/dave-attell-6101_animal_if-i-was-to-have-sex-with-one-animal-it_684875.png) > [If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/if-i-had-a-kid-i-d-give-him-a-name-that-would-make-everyone-would/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dd9/dave-attell-6101_causes_if-i-had-a-kid-i-d-give-him-a-name-that_1034914.png) > [This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/this-one-guy-the-worst-guy-in-the-music-the-yanni-man-you-know-yanni/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ef4/dave-attell-6101_all-night_this-one-guy-the-worst-guy-in-the-music_335704.jpg) ## Other authors on Ifs ## More by Dave Attell > [If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/if-you-take-off-your-pants-and-her-first-reaction-is-awwww-look-at-it/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/you-see-a-guy-with-one-leg-he-s-got-a-story-land-mine-69-you-see-a/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/i-gotta-quit-smoking-doctor-s-orders-and-the-drinking-court-orders/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/you-ever-make-fun-of-someone-so-much-you-think-you-should-thank-them/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/i-masturbate-i-do-it-like-i-think-if-i-keep-doing-it-i-m-gonna-win/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of that one…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/men-are-having-sex-with-animals-and-we-wonder-why-the-animals-attack/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [Jesse Joyce is a great writer.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/jesse-joyce-is-a-great-writer/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/why-do-they-collect-garbarge-at-5am-why-it-s-garbage-it-s-not-going/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/what-s-the-two-things-they-tell-you-are-healthiest-to-eat-chicken-and/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/this-one-guy-the-worst-guy-in-the-music-the-yanni-man-you-know-yanni/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/pre-mature-ejaculation-let-s-talk-about-it-pre-mature-ejaculation/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/it-s-a-horrible-economy-but-i-m-trying-to-do-my-part-i-just-bought-a/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [I never wanted to be famous.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/i-never-wanted-to-be-famous/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/i-keep-getting-these-people-at-my-shows-who-only-know-me-from/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) > [Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/friends-are-important-dontcha-think-hmmm-i-think-so-the-way-i-see-it/) [Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/dave-attell/#itemlist", "name": "10 Ifs Quotes By Dave Attell", "numberOfItems": 10, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Attell" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/sometimes-it-s-hard-to-tell-if-a-joke-is-working-or-not-for-the-first/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a7a/dave-attell-6101_comedy_sometimes-it-s-hard-to-tell-if-a-joke-is_2022912.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a7a/dave-attell-6101_comedy_sometimes-it-s-hard-to-tell-if-a-joke-is_2022912.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a7a/dave-attell-6101_comedy_sometimes-it-s-hard-to-tell-if-a-joke-is_2022912.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.” — Dave Attell", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I masturbate! 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But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Attell" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/never-drink-alone-that-s-what-they-say-but-you-know-what-if-you-drink/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e96/dave-attell-6101_alright_never-drink-alone-that-s-what-they-say-b_1492287.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e96/dave-attell-6101_alright_never-drink-alone-that-s-what-they-say-b_1492287.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e96/dave-attell-6101_alright_never-drink-alone-that-s-what-they-say-b_1492287.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? 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To pump up and open your mail?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Attell" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/my-gym-has-two-pound-weights-if-you-re-using-two-pound-weights-how/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eef/dave-attell-6101_doors_my-gym-has-two-pound-weights-if-you-re-u_1376403.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eef/dave-attell-6101_doors_my-gym-has-two-pound-weights-if-you-re-u_1376403.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eef/dave-attell-6101_doors_my-gym-has-two-pound-weights-if-you-re-u_1376403.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?…” — Dave Attell", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Attell" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/if-i-was-to-have-sex-with-one-animal-it-would-be-a-horse-that-is-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c72/dave-attell-6101_animal_if-i-was-to-have-sex-with-one-animal-it_684875.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c72/dave-attell-6101_animal_if-i-was-to-have-sex-with-one-animal-it_684875.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c72/dave-attell-6101_animal_if-i-was-to-have-sex-with-one-animal-it_684875.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex…” — Dave Attell", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Attell" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/if-i-had-a-kid-i-d-give-him-a-name-that-would-make-everyone-would/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dd9/dave-attell-6101_causes_if-i-had-a-kid-i-d-give-him-a-name-that_1034914.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dd9/dave-attell-6101_causes_if-i-had-a-kid-i-d-give-him-a-name-that_1034914.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dd9/dave-attell-6101_causes_if-i-had-a-kid-i-d-give-him-a-name-that_1034914.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him…” — Dave Attell", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, \"Ta-da\"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just can't go around walking, \"Ta-da!\" \"Ta-da!\" \"Ta-da!\" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money... \"Ta-da!\" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Attell" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/this-one-guy-the-worst-guy-in-the-music-the-yanni-man-you-know-yanni/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ef4/dave-attell-6101_all-night_this-one-guy-the-worst-guy-in-the-music_335704.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ef4/dave-attell-6101_all-night_this-one-guy-the-worst-guy-in-the-music_335704.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ef4/dave-attell-6101_all-night_this-one-guy-the-worst-guy-in-the-music_335704.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? 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