--- title: "13 Ifs Quotes By Daniel Handler" description: "13 Ifs quotes by Daniel Handler. Plus more from Daniel Handler and more Ifs sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0d7/daniel-handler-1043_erudite_if-i-were-to-say-yes-i-am-a-fascinating_602293.jpg" --- > [If I were to say, "Yes, I am a fascinating, erudite person," what would that say about me? I don't know.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/if-i-were-to-say-yes-i-am-a-fascinating-erudite-person-what-would/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0d7/daniel-handler-1043_erudite_if-i-were-to-say-yes-i-am-a-fascinating_602293.jpg) > [I think if I were walking someplace and I saw a corpse my brain would tell me it was a million things…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/i-think-if-i-were-walking-someplace-and-i-saw-a-corpse-my-brain-would/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/23d/daniel-handler-1043_brain_i-think-if-i-were-walking-someplace-and_390543.jpg) > [Everyone tells you it's all right to cry, but not enough people say it's all right if you don't want people to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/everyone-tells-you-it-s-all-right-to-cry-but-not-enough-people-say-it/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ec9/daniel-handler-1043_cry_everyone-tells-you-it-s-all-right-to-cry_1349745.jpg) > [I think there are probably just as many adults who would miss the humor of my books, if not more, as there…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/i-think-there-are-probably-just-as-many-adults-who-would-miss-the/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/89a/daniel-handler-1043_adults_i-think-there-are-probably-just-as-many_278504.jpg) > [I'm not very good at the accordion. If I played guitar, I wouldn't be on anyone's album. But because I play the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/i-m-not-very-good-at-the-accordion-if-i-played-guitar-i-wouldn-t-be/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/61f/daniel-handler-1043_accordions_i-m-not-very-good-at-the-accordion-if-i_1306360.jpg) > [One wanders through life as if wandering through a field in the dark of night, wearing a blindfold and very heavy shoes,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/one-wanders-through-life-as-if-wandering-through-a-field-in-the-dark/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/534/daniel-handler-1043_blindfolds_one-wanders-through-life-as-if-wandering_656763.jpg) > [One's home is like a delicious piece of pie you order in a restaurant on a country road one cozy evening -…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/one-s-home-is-like-a-delicious-piece-of-pie-you-order-in-a-restaurant/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/726/daniel-handler-1043_country_one-s-home-is-like-a-delicious-piece-of_2787436.jpg) > [You might find it difficult to see anything but your own sadness, the way smoke can cover a landscape so that all…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/you-might-find-it-difficult-to-see-anything-but-your-own-sadness-the/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/697/daniel-handler-1043_black_you-might-find-it-difficult-to-see-anyth_3153880.jpg) > [The way sadness works is one of the strange riddles of the world. If you are stricken with a great sadness, you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/the-way-sadness-works-is-one-of-the-strange-riddles-of-the-world-if/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1d5/daniel-handler-1043_enormous_the-way-sadness-works-is-one-of-the-stra_2113891.jpg) > [Assumptions are dangerous things to make, and like all dangerous things to make - bombs, for instance, or strawberry shortcake - if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/assumptions-are-dangerous-things-to-make-and-like-all-dangerous-2/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5a9/daniel-handler-1043_assumption_assumptions-are-dangerous-things-to-make_2566185.jpg) > [I never thought about whether film is inherently more sincere, because certainly I think if Guy Maddin had directed A Series Of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/i-never-thought-about-whether-film-is-inherently-more-sincere-because/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e97/daniel-handler-1043_book_i-never-thought-about-whether-film-is-in_2867985.jpg) > [I was in a pharmacy and I saw the warnings on the backs of poisonous substances, and I thought, "Well, that's what…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/i-was-in-a-pharmacy-and-i-saw-the-warnings-on-the-backs-of-poisonous/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b8f/daniel-handler-1043_assessment_i-was-in-a-pharmacy-and-i-saw-the-warnin_1279254.jpg) > [I'd made pretty clear to the people at Paramount and Dreamworks that, if they wanted Lemony Snicket to comment, he would be…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/i-d-made-pretty-clear-to-the-people-at-paramount-and-dreamworks-that/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1e1/daniel-handler-1043_clear_i-d-made-pretty-clear-to-the-people-at-p_2790617.jpg) ## Other authors on Ifs ## More by Daniel Handler > [We laughed the rest of the way, because the point of this story is, it is not the cookies. It is the love.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/we-laughed-the-rest-of-the-way-because-the-point-of-this-story-is-it/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) > [I started making plans, thinking we would get that far.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/i-started-making-plans-thinking-we-would-get-that-far/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) > [I can't imagine why you would want to take your child to see what the career of a writer is like, because it mostly…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/i-can-t-imagine-why-you-would-want-to-take-your-child-to-see-what-the/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) > [“All the deaths are dead for nothing but you're not dead at all.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/all-the-deaths-are-dead-for-nothing-but-you-re-not-dead-at-all/) [daniel handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) > [“I love you so soundly and I will do anything to drag you forward.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/i-love-you-so-soundly-and-i-will-do-anything-to-drag-you-forward/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) > [I’d ruin any day, all my days, for those long nights with you, and I did.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/i-d-ruin-any-day-all-my-days-for-those-long-nights-with-you-and-i-did/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) > [Chestnuts in stuffing tastes like someone chewed up a tree branch and then French-kissed it into your mouth.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/chestnuts-in-stuffing-tastes-like-someone-chewed-up-a-tree-branch-and/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) > [Lemony Snicket. Now, I'm told - the books, of course, starting from the very first one, became hugely popular, selling millions and millions. And…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/lemony-snicket-now-i-m-told-the-books-of-course-starting-from-the/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) > [“The matches were a little 'he loves me, he loves me not,' but then I saw right on the box that I had twenty-four,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/the-matches-were-a-little-he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not-but-then-i-saw/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) > [I didn't like books where people played on a sports team and won a bunch of games, or went to summer camp and had…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/i-didn-t-like-books-where-people-played-on-a-sports-team-and-won-a/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) > [I love no one but you, I have discovered, but you are far away and I am here alone.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/i-love-no-one-but-you-i-have-discovered-but-you-are-far-away-and-i-am/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) > [The Basic Eight and Watch Your Mouth both have first-person voices, and I ended up investigating those voices and investing so much in them…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/the-basic-eight-and-watch-your-mouth-both-have-first-person-voices/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) > [The Long Goodbye' is one book I like to read over and over again, and it was an enormous inspiration for 'All The Wrong…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/the-long-goodbye-is-one-book-i-like-to-read-over-and-over-again-and/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) > [The whole thing of what I’ve been trying,” you said, “is that you’re different, and you keep asking about the other girls, but what…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/the-whole-thing-of-what-i-ve-been-trying-you-said-is-that-you-re/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) > [ I wrote a comedy, which hopefully \[Rick director\] Curtiss Clayton will bring to the screen, that I thought was the antithesis of all my… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/i-wrote-a-comedy-which-hopefully-rick-director-curtiss-clayton-will/) [Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/daniel-handler/#itemlist", "name": "13 Ifs Quotes By Daniel Handler", "numberOfItems": 13, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I were to say, \"Yes, I am a fascinating, erudite person,\" what would that say about me? 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If I played guitar, I wouldn't be on anyone's album. But because I play the accordion and no one else does, I end up doing strange things.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Daniel Handler" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/i-m-not-very-good-at-the-accordion-if-i-played-guitar-i-wouldn-t-be/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/61f/daniel-handler-1043_accordions_i-m-not-very-good-at-the-accordion-if-i_1306360.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/61f/daniel-handler-1043_accordions_i-m-not-very-good-at-the-accordion-if-i_1306360.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/61f/daniel-handler-1043_accordions_i-m-not-very-good-at-the-accordion-if-i_1306360.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I'm not very good at the accordion. If I played guitar, I wouldn't be on anyone's album. But because I play…” — Daniel Handler", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 6, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "One wanders through life as if wandering through a field in the dark of night, wearing a blindfold and very heavy shoes, with a poisonous toad waiting patiently beneath a clump of weeds, knowing full well that eventually you will step on him.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Daniel Handler" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/one-wanders-through-life-as-if-wandering-through-a-field-in-the-dark/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/534/daniel-handler-1043_blindfolds_one-wanders-through-life-as-if-wandering_656763.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/534/daniel-handler-1043_blindfolds_one-wanders-through-life-as-if-wandering_656763.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/534/daniel-handler-1043_blindfolds_one-wanders-through-life-as-if-wandering_656763.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“One wanders through life as if wandering through a field in the dark of night, wearing a blindfold and very…” — Daniel Handler", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "One's home is like a delicious piece of pie you order in a restaurant on a country road one cozy evening - the best piece of pie you have ever eaten in your life - and can never find again. After you leave home, you may find yourself feeling homesick, even if you have a new home that has nicer wallpaper and a more efficient dishwasher than the home in which you grew up.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Daniel Handler" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/one-s-home-is-like-a-delicious-piece-of-pie-you-order-in-a-restaurant/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/726/daniel-handler-1043_country_one-s-home-is-like-a-delicious-piece-of_2787436.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/726/daniel-handler-1043_country_one-s-home-is-like-a-delicious-piece-of_2787436.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/726/daniel-handler-1043_country_one-s-home-is-like-a-delicious-piece-of_2787436.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“One's home is like a delicious piece of pie you order in a restaurant on a country road one cozy evening…” — Daniel Handler", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "You might find it difficult to see anything but your own sadness, the way smoke can cover a landscape so that all anyone can see is black. You may find that if someone pours water all over you, you are damp and distracted, but not cured of your sadness, the way a fire department can douse a fire but never recover what has been burnt down.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Daniel Handler" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/you-might-find-it-difficult-to-see-anything-but-your-own-sadness-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/697/daniel-handler-1043_black_you-might-find-it-difficult-to-see-anyth_3153880.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/697/daniel-handler-1043_black_you-might-find-it-difficult-to-see-anyth_3153880.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/697/daniel-handler-1043_black_you-might-find-it-difficult-to-see-anyth_3153880.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“You might find it difficult to see anything but your own sadness, the way smoke can cover a landscape so…” — Daniel Handler", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The way sadness works is one of the strange riddles of the world. If you are stricken with a great sadness, you may feel as if you have been set aflame, not only because of the enormous pain, but also because your sadness may spread over your life, like smoke from an enormous fire.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Daniel Handler" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/the-way-sadness-works-is-one-of-the-strange-riddles-of-the-world-if/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1d5/daniel-handler-1043_enormous_the-way-sadness-works-is-one-of-the-stra_2113891.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1d5/daniel-handler-1043_enormous_the-way-sadness-works-is-one-of-the-stra_2113891.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1d5/daniel-handler-1043_enormous_the-way-sadness-works-is-one-of-the-stra_2113891.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The way sadness works is one of the strange riddles of the world. If you are stricken with a great sadness…” — Daniel Handler", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Assumptions are dangerous things to make, and like all dangerous things to make - bombs, for instance, or strawberry shortcake - if you make even the tiniest mistake you can find yourself in terrible trouble.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Daniel Handler" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/assumptions-are-dangerous-things-to-make-and-like-all-dangerous-2/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5a9/daniel-handler-1043_assumption_assumptions-are-dangerous-things-to-make_2566185.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5a9/daniel-handler-1043_assumption_assumptions-are-dangerous-things-to-make_2566185.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5a9/daniel-handler-1043_assumption_assumptions-are-dangerous-things-to-make_2566185.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Assumptions are dangerous things to make, and like all dangerous things to make - bombs, for instance, or…” — Daniel Handler", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I never thought about whether film is inherently more sincere, because certainly I think if Guy Maddin had directed A Series Of Unfortunate Events, there probably could have been more of the stage-y irony that is in the books. But I was just interested to see what people would do with it, and worrying that Brad Silberling wouldn't do what I had in mind.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Daniel Handler" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/i-never-thought-about-whether-film-is-inherently-more-sincere-because/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e97/daniel-handler-1043_book_i-never-thought-about-whether-film-is-in_2867985.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e97/daniel-handler-1043_book_i-never-thought-about-whether-film-is-in_2867985.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e97/daniel-handler-1043_book_i-never-thought-about-whether-film-is-in_2867985.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I never thought about whether film is inherently more sincere, because certainly I think if Guy Maddin had…” — Daniel Handler", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I was in a pharmacy and I saw the warnings on the backs of poisonous substances, and I thought, \"Well, that's what I can do.\" So I wrote a list of ingredients in the book, and warnings that they shouldn't consume those ingredients. The editor and the publisher thought that it was a great way to go in terms of reverse psychology, but it honestly hadn't occurred to me that it was reverse psychology. 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And as long as they understood that, it was okay. I'm not much of a fan of DVD commentaries myself, so this was my way of getting revenge, in a sense, for all the puffed-up directors and stars who talk endlessly about the self-aggrandizing minutiae of making a movie.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Daniel Handler" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/i-d-made-pretty-clear-to-the-people-at-paramount-and-dreamworks-that/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1e1/daniel-handler-1043_clear_i-d-made-pretty-clear-to-the-people-at-p_2790617.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1e1/daniel-handler-1043_clear_i-d-made-pretty-clear-to-the-people-at-p_2790617.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1e1/daniel-handler-1043_clear_i-d-made-pretty-clear-to-the-people-at-p_2790617.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I'd made pretty clear to the people at Paramount and Dreamworks that, if they wanted Lemony Snicket to…” — Daniel Handler", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/daniel-handler/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/daniel-handler/", "name": "Ifs Quotes by Daniel Handler", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/daniel-handler/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0d7/daniel-handler-1043_erudite_if-i-were-to-say-yes-i-am-a-fascinating_602293.jpg" }, "description": "13 Ifs quotes by Daniel Handler. 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