---
title: "41 Ifs Quotes By Dana Gould"
description: "41 Ifs quotes by Dana Gould. Plus more from Dana Gould and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c8c/dana-gould-1290_believe_if-you-don-t-believe-in-the-living-dead_1729109.jpg"
---

> [If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-you-don-t-believe-in-the-living-dead-how-do-your-explain-the-golf/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c8c/dana-gould-1290_believe_if-you-don-t-believe-in-the-living-dead_1729109.jpg)

> [Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/chihuahuas-are-the-perfect-pet-if-you-don-t-have-a-person-in-your/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/df2/dana-gould-1290_animal_chihuahuas-are-the-perfect-pet-if-you-do_1712323.png)

> [Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/anything-is-possible-if-you-believe-in-yourself-said-the-guidance/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/60a/dana-gould-1290_anything-is-possible_anything-is-possible-if-you-believe-in-y_2556429.png)

> [I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/i-don-t-like-to-generalize-but-if-you-see-a-guy-with-his-shirt-tucked/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/313/dana-gould-1290_children_i-don-t-like-to-generalize-but-if-you-se_2222854.png)

> [If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-god-had-wanted-women-to-have-giant-fake-boobs-he-d-be-a-lot-like/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/10e/dana-gould-1290_boobs_if-god-had-wanted-women-to-have-giant-fa_2367629.png)

> [My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/my-dog-keeps-looking-at-me-as-if-he-knows-my-secret-as-if-he-and-he/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/957/dana-gould-1290_animal_my-dog-keeps-looking-at-me-as-if-he-know_2044151.png)

> [Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/why-is-it-when-i-have-nothing-to-do-i-drink-more-coffee-it-s-as-if-i/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/61e/dana-gould-1290_bigs_why-is-it-when-i-have-nothing-to-do-i-dr_795248.png)

> [I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/i-m-only-afraid-of-dying-if-i-m-to-be-held-accountable-for-what-i-did/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/82d/dana-gould-1290_afraid_i-m-only-afraid-of-dying-if-i-m-to-be-he_1134392.png)

> [What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/what-if-you-went-to-hell-and-it-was-exactly-what-you-thought-it-would/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/05f/dana-gould-1290_caves_what-if-you-went-to-hell-and-it-was-exac_2146116.jpg)

> [As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/as-global-warming-raises-temparatures-it-takes-longer-to-cool-pies-on/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ed0/dana-gould-1290_climate_as-global-warming-raises-temparatures-it_2947499.png)

> [We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/we-all-enter-this-world-in-the-same-way-naked-screaming-soaked-in/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c3f/dana-gould-1290_blood_we-all-enter-this-world-in-the-same-way_3116871.png)

> [If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-pop-music-reflects-the-culture-this-will-surely-go-down-as-the-era/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/401/dana-gould-1290_culture_if-pop-music-reflects-the-culture-this-w_1606913.png)

> [If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-the-beatles-represent-the-most-successful-version-you-can-be-of-a/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/71e/dana-gould-1290_beatles_if-the-beatles-represent-the-most-succes_1366794.jpg)

> [If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-life-begins-at-conception-but-you-can-be-born-again-later-only-to/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e61/dana-gould-1290_after-death_if-life-begins-at-conception-but-you-can_223742.png)

> [We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/we-come-into-this-world-naked-covered-in-our-own-blood-screaming-in/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/92b/dana-gould-1290_blood_we-come-into-this-world-naked-covered-in_2388919.png)

> [You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/you-will-never-experience-less-reality-than-when-you-are-watching-a/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a47/dana-gould-1290_actors_you-will-never-experience-less-reality-t_961603.jpg)

> [Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/women-do-it-all-the-time-to-look-younger-and-it-would-make-perfect/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9e4/dana-gould-1290_band_women-do-it-all-the-time-to-look-younger_1984052.jpg)

> [If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-anything-i-believe-that-when-i-die-i-will-have-to-stand-in-front/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/958/dana-gould-1290_bed_if-anything-i-believe-that-when-i-die-i_2771414.png)

> [What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/what-if-you-died-and-you-found-out-that-when-you-died-we-all-went-to/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/748/dana-gould-1290_arguing_what-if-you-died-and-you-found-out-that_1125732.jpg)

> [If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-i-had-a-dreamcatcher-when-i-was-thirteen-it-would-have-spent-many/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/77a/dana-gould-1290_dryers_if-i-had-a-dreamcatcher-when-i-was-thirt_2733798.png)

> [Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/earthquakes-would-be-great-if-they-could-hit-specific-areas-like-the/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ba9/dana-gould-1290_areas_earthquakes-would-be-great-if-they-could_2135327.png)

> [If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-you-gave-a-bag-of-potato-chips-to-the-guy-who-invented-pringles-he/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dd1/dana-gould-1290_abortion_if-you-gave-a-bag-of-potato-chips-to-the_2031386.png)

> [If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-i-ever-go-into-a-coma-one-of-you-has-to-promise-to-come-by/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/77c/dana-gould-1290_coma_if-i-ever-go-into-a-coma-one-of-you-has_179378.png)

> [If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-abe-lincoln-took-part-in-the-republican-debates-he-would-look-out/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3df/dana-gould-1290_abe_if-abe-lincoln-took-part-in-the-republic_1391461.png)

> [If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-there-s-one-thing-worse-than-being-really-angry-for-no-reason-it-s/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/977/dana-gould-1290_anger_if-there-s-one-thing-worse-than-being-re_1981672.png)

> [If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-you-re-selling-something-on-craiglist-it-s-never-a-good-idea-to/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fe0/dana-gould-1290_customer_if-you-re-selling-something-on-craiglist_2814658.png)

> [If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-my-dog-wants-to-know-why-i-didn-t-feed-him-this-morning-he-may/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e3/dana-gould-1290_animal_if-my-dog-wants-to-know-why-i-didn-t-fee_336091.png)

> [If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-you-want-to-see-what-i-ll-look-like-as-an-old-guy-check-out-any/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/722/dana-gould-1290_checks_if-you-want-to-see-what-i-ll-look-like-a_2349647.png)

> [If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-you-encounter-someone-who-pronounces-the-t-in-often-odds-are-they/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/100/dana-gould-1290_douchebags_if-you-encounter-someone-who-pronounces_1885137.png)

> [Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/even-if-i-say-everyone-in-the-village-died-of-diarrhea-i-still-laugh/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/79e/dana-gould-1290_comedy_even-if-i-say-everyone-in-the-village-di_253304.png)

> [If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-i-m-alone-in-the-car-and-i-fart-i-still-laugh-at-it-it-s-the/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/74d/dana-gould-1290_car_if-i-m-alone-in-the-car-and-i-fart-i-sti_490662.png)

> [If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-jesus-was-a-baby-there-was-a-point-on-that-holiest-of-nights-in/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/449/dana-gould-1290_baby_if-jesus-was-a-baby-there-was-a-point-on_2433660.png)

> [Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look...…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/have-you-ever-had-a-gay-friend-lose-weight-and-you-can-t-decide-if-it/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da0/dana-gould-1290_friendship_have-you-ever-had-a-gay-friend-lose-weig_382206.png)

> [If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-you-read-angry-political-blogs-substitute-obama-with-my-daddy-and/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bf0/dana-gould-1290_angry_if-you-read-angry-political-blogs-substi_1031593.png)

> [Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/catholic-church-reasserts-its-moral-authority-on-contraception-if-god/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d54/dana-gould-1290_altars_catholic-church-reasserts-its-moral-auth_1847212.png)

> [I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/i-would-think-if-you-were-horny-enough-there-d-come-a-time-when-it/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e03/dana-gould-1290_bros_i-would-think-if-you-were-horny-enough-t_1585575.png)

> [If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-god-is-all-powerful-and-jesus-is-the-son-of-god-why-did-he-make/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/61f/dana-gould-1290_birthday_if-god-is-all-powerful-and-jesus-is-the_1867370.png)

> [One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/one-great-way-to-mess-with-devout-christians-and-atheists-would-be-if/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e95/dana-gould-1290_atheist_one-great-way-to-mess-with-devout-christ_3151952.png)

> [If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-i-had-a-volkswagon-beetle-i-d-paint-the-front-to-resemble-glenn/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/90e/dana-gould-1290_beast_if-i-had-a-volkswagon-beetle-i-d-paint-t_2535388.png)

> [If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-studies-on-lab-rats-are-any-indication-human-beings-have-a-deep/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/91a/dana-gould-1290_bigs_if-studies-on-lab-rats-are-any-indicatio_1963006.png)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by Dana Gould

> [As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/as-hard-as-i-try-to-live-with-some-degree-of-faith-in-my-life-i-just/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

> [The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/the-older-i-get-the-more-i-look-like-my-favorite-shoes/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

> [Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/somewhere-there-s-someone-who-s-masturbation-ritual-ends-with-them/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

> [I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/i-feel-very-uncomfortable-when-i-eat-in-restaurants-i-m-obnoxiously/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

> [Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/cowboy-boots-with-a-suit-you-re-a-rough-tough-businessman-chaps-with/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

> [Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/despite-a-primitive-brain-the-octopus-possesses-an-intricate-system/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

> [I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/i-got-mugged-about-six-months-ago-the-oddest-thing-about-the-entire/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

> [I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/i-m-the-forrest-gump-of-comedy/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

> [It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/it-s-gonna-be-awesome-a-suspected-pedophile-dunks-my-kids-head-in-a/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

> [If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-i-ever-go-into-a-coma-one-of-you-has-to-promise-to-come-by/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

> [They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/they-say-that-god-is-in-the-details-then-again-they-also-say-that-the/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

> [I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/i-have-one-phobia-snakes-and-by-snakes-i-mean-intimacy/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

> [My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/my-whole-approach-to-marriage-is-simple-my-wife-will-do-something/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

> [Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/wrote-a-science-fiction-novel-about-a-man-who-wins-an-argument-with/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

> [If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dana-gould/if-life-begins-at-conception-but-you-can-be-born-again-later-only-to/)

[Dana Gould](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dana-gould/)

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