--- title: "30 Ifs Quotes By Craig Ferguson" description: "30 Ifs quotes by Craig Ferguson. Plus more from Craig Ferguson and more Ifs sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/67b/craig-ferguson-664_afraid_if-scotland-and-america-go-to-war-i-m-af_1887249.png" --- > [If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/if-scotland-and-america-go-to-war-i-m-afraid-i-ve-already-sworn-in/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/67b/craig-ferguson-664_afraid_if-scotland-and-america-go-to-war-i-m-af_1887249.png) > [If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/if-you-can-t-trust-you-can-t-be-trustworthy/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/901/craig-ferguson-664_can-t-trust-you_if-you-can-t-trust-you-can-t-be-trustwor_2014593.png) > [If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/if-it-doesn-t-work-at-least-it-will-be-an-interesting-train-wreck/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5dc/craig-ferguson-664_fitness_if-it-doesn-t-work-at-least-it-will-be-a_85791.png) > [If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/if-you-absolutely-believe-that-what-you-do-is-right-you-re-bullet/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f3/craig-ferguson-664_absolutely_if-you-absolutely-believe-that-what-you_1580954.png) > [Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch - or maybe you're…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/happy-cinco-de-mayo-if-you-don-t-know-what-that-means-maybe-you-re-a/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/87c/craig-ferguson-664_arizona_happy-cinco-de-mayo-if-you-don-t-know-wh_932637.png) > [If the Fed ceases hiking, against the backdrop of still rising commodity prices, then the Australian dollar will have few reasons for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/if-the-fed-ceases-hiking-against-the-backdrop-of-still-rising/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ff0/craig-ferguson-664_australian_if-the-fed-ceases-hiking-against-the-bac_1663260.png) > [Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/rush-limbaugh-says-if-the-health-care-bill-passes-he-will-leave-the/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ee2/craig-ferguson-664_bills_rush-limbaugh-says-if-the-health-care-bi_511548.png) > [They've found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you're eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/they-ve-found-a-link-between-chemicals-in-shampoo-and-obesity-if-you/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0ef/craig-ferguson-664_chemicals_they-ve-found-a-link-between-chemicals-i_502325.png) > [Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/mark-zuckerberg-was-named-time-s-person-of-the-year-i-m-sorry-if-you/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ff0/craig-ferguson-664_i-m-sorry_mark-zuckerberg-was-named-time-s-person_3175113.png) > [If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/if-we-are-now-holding-late-night-talk-show-hosts-to-the-same-moral/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b93/craig-ferguson-664_accountability_if-we-are-now-holding-late-night-talk-sh_2224514.png) > [Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/last-night-on-the-show-i-had-olympics-fever-unfortunately-it-s/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/697/craig-ferguson-664_doctors_last-night-on-the-show-i-had-olympics-fe_2106653.jpg) > [CBS announced they're canceling As The World Turns. Don't worry though, if you're addicted to the twisted plots, the intrigue, the illicit…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/cbs-announced-they-re-canceling-as-the-world-turns-don-t-worry-though/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6e9/craig-ferguson-664_golf_cbs-announced-they-re-canceling-as-the-w_618463.png) > [A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/a-new-york-city-judge-struck-down-a-proposed-law-to-ban-sodas-larger/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/376/craig-ferguson-664_bans_a-new-york-city-judge-struck-down-a-prop_1963388.png) > [Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/scientists-say-over-the-next-hundred-years-the-coast-of-california/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/056/craig-ferguson-664_california_scientists-say-over-the-next-hundred-yea_233138.jpg) > [Valentine's Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/valentine-s-day-is-celebrated-a-little-differently-here-in-l-a-nobody/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/614/craig-ferguson-664_beans_valentine-s-day-is-celebrated-a-little-d_1392528.jpg) > [Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/italian-women-are-some-of-the-most-beautiful-in-the-world-this-is-why/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/229/craig-ferguson-664_beautiful_italian-women-are-some-of-the-most-beaut_2853272.png) > [Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/love-at-first-sight-is-not-rare-in-fact-it-is-extremely-common-it/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/352/craig-ferguson-664_common_love-at-first-sight-is-not-rare-in-fact_1648243.png) > [It's Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They're endangered but you have to be careful because a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/it-s-earth-day-today-let-me-tell-you-something-about-polar-bears-they/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0c3/craig-ferguson-664_animal_it-s-earth-day-today-let-me-tell-you-som_651456.png) > [The most popular Valentine's Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800's, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/the-most-popular-valentine-s-day-gift-is-chocolate-in-the-1800-s/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3c0/craig-ferguson-664_broken_the-most-popular-valentine-s-day-gift-is_1334620.jpg) > [The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/the-danes-are-causing-a-bit-of-trouble-the-kingdom-of-denmark-claimed/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fca/craig-ferguson-664_bits_the-danes-are-causing-a-bit-of-trouble-t_248872.png) > [For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/for-example-in-paris-if-one-desires-to-buy-something-you-enter-the/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9ee/craig-ferguson-664_appropriate_for-example-in-paris-if-one-desires-to-b_1704638.png) > [The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they're going to re-release an old movie, I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/the-whole-idea-of-re-releasing-old-movies-does-bother-me-a-little-bit/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d3b/craig-ferguson-664_able_the-whole-idea-of-re-releasing-old-movie_2244530.png) > [I don't know much about the Supreme Court. If it's anything like the Supreme Taco, it's like a regular court, but with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/i-don-t-know-much-about-the-supreme-court-if-it-s-anything-like-the/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/485/craig-ferguson-664_constitution_i-don-t-know-much-about-the-supreme-cour_169419.png) > [If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I'm sorry that your life turned out like that.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/if-you-know-anything-about-me-and-if-you-do-i-m-sorry-that-your-life/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dd2/craig-ferguson-664_i-m-sorry_if-you-know-anything-about-me-and-if-you_1828168.png) > [Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it's true. I read it on Wikipedia.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/wikipedia-celebrates-its-12th-birthday-today-of-course-i-have-no-idea/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/604/craig-ferguson-664_birthday_wikipedia-celebrates-its-12th-birthday-t_655126.png) > [Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/anyway-if-you-needed-something-really-dangerous-get-a-gun-it-s-easy/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/795/craig-ferguson-664_amendment_anyway-if-you-needed-something-really-da_752101.png) > [If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/if-you-watch-cooking-shows-on-cable-they-have-lots-of-british-people/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7a8/craig-ferguson-664_britain_if-you-watch-cooking-shows-on-cable-they_808411.png) > [Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/donald-trump-showed-his-birth-certificate-to-reporters-who-cares/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de2/craig-ferguson-664_birth_donald-trump-showed-his-birth-certificat_3233112.jpg) > [If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/if-you-re-frightened-of-leprechauns-the-best-thing-to-do-is-to-get/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/168/craig-ferguson-664_best-things_if-you-re-frightened-of-leprechauns-the_1667076.png) > [I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/i-don-t-like-the-whole-blowing-the-candles-out-ritual-blowing-their/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/57c/craig-ferguson-664_birthday_i-don-t-like-the-whole-blowing-the-candl_2940128.jpg) ## Other authors on Ifs ## More by Craig Ferguson > [“I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/i-was-ambitious-and-desperate-to-direct-my-first-film-so-i/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) > [Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/sometimes-people-think-you-re-smart-if-you-question-the-status-quo-if/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) > [Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/sober-alkies-are-often-asked-when-did-you-hit-rock-bottom-but-a-more/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) > [Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/remember-the-band-flock-of-seagulls-they-had-their-van-stolen-i-was/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) > [People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/people-spend-thousands-of-dollars-trying-to-keep-their-teeth-straight/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) > [Whoever I had become had to die.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/whoever-i-had-become-had-to-die/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) > [My pilot's license. I'm proud of that.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/my-pilot-s-license-i-m-proud-of-that/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) > [People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/people-are-saying-that-anderson-cooper-could-be-the-new-oprah-and/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) > [I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/i-think-comedy-comes-more-from-a-low-sense-of-self-esteem-and-i/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) > [I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/i-m-so-excited-about-the-new-ipad-i-just-ipeed-my-ipants/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) > [For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/for-my-birthday-that-year-anne-gave-me-an-inflatable-atlas-globe/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) > [114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/114-isn-t-as-old-as-it-used-to-be-they-say-its-the-new-104/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) > [I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/i-have-to-do-a-show-which-is-of-interest-to-me-or-else-i-m-lost/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) > [The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/the-first-ads-for-medical-marijuana-have-started-airing-on-television/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) > [I wanted to be a rock star.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/i-wanted-to-be-a-rock-star/) [Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/craig-ferguson/#itemlist", "name": "30 Ifs Quotes By Craig Ferguson", "numberOfItems": 30, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/if-scotland-and-america-go-to-war-i-m-afraid-i-ve-already-sworn-in/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/67b/craig-ferguson-664_afraid_if-scotland-and-america-go-to-war-i-m-af_1887249.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/67b/craig-ferguson-664_afraid_if-scotland-and-america-go-to-war-i-m-af_1887249.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/67b/craig-ferguson-664_afraid_if-scotland-and-america-go-to-war-i-m-af_1887249.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.” — Craig Ferguson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/if-you-can-t-trust-you-can-t-be-trustworthy/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/901/craig-ferguson-664_can-t-trust-you_if-you-can-t-trust-you-can-t-be-trustwor_2014593.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/901/craig-ferguson-664_can-t-trust-you_if-you-can-t-trust-you-can-t-be-trustwor_2014593.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/901/craig-ferguson-664_can-t-trust-you_if-you-can-t-trust-you-can-t-be-trustwor_2014593.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.” — Craig Ferguson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/if-it-doesn-t-work-at-least-it-will-be-an-interesting-train-wreck/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5dc/craig-ferguson-664_fitness_if-it-doesn-t-work-at-least-it-will-be-a_85791.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5dc/craig-ferguson-664_fitness_if-it-doesn-t-work-at-least-it-will-be-a_85791.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5dc/craig-ferguson-664_fitness_if-it-doesn-t-work-at-least-it-will-be-a_85791.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.” — Craig Ferguson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/if-you-absolutely-believe-that-what-you-do-is-right-you-re-bullet/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f3/craig-ferguson-664_absolutely_if-you-absolutely-believe-that-what-you_1580954.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f3/craig-ferguson-664_absolutely_if-you-absolutely-believe-that-what-you_1580954.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f3/craig-ferguson-664_absolutely_if-you-absolutely-believe-that-what-you_1580954.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.” — Craig Ferguson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Happy Cinco de Mayo. 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If you're eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/they-ve-found-a-link-between-chemicals-in-shampoo-and-obesity-if-you/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0ef/craig-ferguson-664_chemicals_they-ve-found-a-link-between-chemicals-i_502325.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0ef/craig-ferguson-664_chemicals_they-ve-found-a-link-between-chemicals-i_502325.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0ef/craig-ferguson-664_chemicals_they-ve-found-a-link-between-chemicals-i_502325.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“They've found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. 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A magazine is something people used to read.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/mark-zuckerberg-was-named-time-s-person-of-the-year-i-m-sorry-if-you/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ff0/craig-ferguson-664_i-m-sorry_mark-zuckerberg-was-named-time-s-person_3175113.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ff0/craig-ferguson-664_i-m-sorry_mark-zuckerberg-was-named-time-s-person_3175113.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ff0/craig-ferguson-664_i-m-sorry_mark-zuckerberg-was-named-time-s-person_3175113.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. 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I'm gone.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/if-we-are-now-holding-late-night-talk-show-hosts-to-the-same-moral/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b93/craig-ferguson-664_accountability_if-we-are-now-holding-late-night-talk-sh_2224514.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b93/craig-ferguson-664_accountability_if-we-are-now-holding-late-night-talk-sh_2224514.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b93/craig-ferguson-664_accountability_if-we-are-now-holding-late-night-talk-sh_2224514.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or…” — Craig Ferguson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/last-night-on-the-show-i-had-olympics-fever-unfortunately-it-s/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/697/craig-ferguson-664_doctors_last-night-on-the-show-i-had-olympics-fe_2106653.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/697/craig-ferguson-664_doctors_last-night-on-the-show-i-had-olympics-fe_2106653.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/697/craig-ferguson-664_doctors_last-night-on-the-show-i-had-olympics-fe_2106653.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to…” — Craig Ferguson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "CBS announced they're canceling As The World Turns. Don't worry though, if you're addicted to the twisted plots, the intrigue, the illicit sex, you can still watch golf.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/cbs-announced-they-re-canceling-as-the-world-turns-don-t-worry-though/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6e9/craig-ferguson-664_golf_cbs-announced-they-re-canceling-as-the-w_618463.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6e9/craig-ferguson-664_golf_cbs-announced-they-re-canceling-as-the-w_618463.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6e9/craig-ferguson-664_golf_cbs-announced-they-re-canceling-as-the-w_618463.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“CBS announced they're canceling As The World Turns. 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New York needs a better education system if kids didn't figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/a-new-york-city-judge-struck-down-a-proposed-law-to-ban-sodas-larger/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/376/craig-ferguson-664_bans_a-new-york-city-judge-struck-down-a-prop_1963388.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/376/craig-ferguson-664_bans_a-new-york-city-judge-struck-down-a-prop_1963388.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/376/craig-ferguson-664_bans_a-new-york-city-judge-struck-down-a-prop_1963388.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg…” — Craig Ferguson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to do something. Mitt Romney is conflicted. On one hand, he denies that global warming exists. But if California is under water, he would definitely win the next election.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/scientists-say-over-the-next-hundred-years-the-coast-of-california/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/056/craig-ferguson-664_california_scientists-say-over-the-next-hundred-yea_233138.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/056/craig-ferguson-664_california_scientists-say-over-the-next-hundred-yea_233138.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/056/craig-ferguson-664_california_scientists-say-over-the-next-hundred-yea_233138.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the…” — Craig Ferguson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Valentine's Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/valentine-s-day-is-celebrated-a-little-differently-here-in-l-a-nobody/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/614/craig-ferguson-664_beans_valentine-s-day-is-celebrated-a-little-d_1392528.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/614/craig-ferguson-664_beans_valentine-s-day-is-celebrated-a-little-d_1392528.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/614/craig-ferguson-664_beans_valentine-s-day-is-celebrated-a-little-d_1392528.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Valentine's Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the…” — Craig Ferguson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 16, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he's got what it takes to be a priest - or an interior decorator.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/italian-women-are-some-of-the-most-beautiful-in-the-world-this-is-why/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/229/craig-ferguson-664_beautiful_italian-women-are-some-of-the-most-beaut_2853272.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/229/craig-ferguson-664_beautiful_italian-women-are-some-of-the-most-beaut_2853272.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/229/craig-ferguson-664_beautiful_italian-women-are-some-of-the-most-beaut_2853272.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. 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The feeling of what if when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/love-at-first-sight-is-not-rare-in-fact-it-is-extremely-common-it/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/352/craig-ferguson-664_common_love-at-first-sight-is-not-rare-in-fact_1648243.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/352/craig-ferguson-664_common_love-at-first-sight-is-not-rare-in-fact_1648243.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/352/craig-ferguson-664_common_love-at-first-sight-is-not-rare-in-fact_1648243.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a…” — Craig Ferguson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 18, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "It's Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They're endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you're on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/it-s-earth-day-today-let-me-tell-you-something-about-polar-bears-they/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0c3/craig-ferguson-664_animal_it-s-earth-day-today-let-me-tell-you-som_651456.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0c3/craig-ferguson-664_animal_it-s-earth-day-today-let-me-tell-you-som_651456.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0c3/craig-ferguson-664_animal_it-s-earth-day-today-let-me-tell-you-som_651456.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“It's Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They're endangered but you have to be…” — Craig Ferguson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 19, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The most popular Valentine's Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800's, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you're going to be alone, who cares if you get fat.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/the-most-popular-valentine-s-day-gift-is-chocolate-in-the-1800-s/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3c0/craig-ferguson-664_broken_the-most-popular-valentine-s-day-gift-is_1334620.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3c0/craig-ferguson-664_broken_the-most-popular-valentine-s-day-gift-is_1334620.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3c0/craig-ferguson-664_broken_the-most-popular-valentine-s-day-gift-is_1334620.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The most popular Valentine's Day gift is chocolate. 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If they're going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/the-whole-idea-of-re-releasing-old-movies-does-bother-me-a-little-bit/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d3b/craig-ferguson-664_able_the-whole-idea-of-re-releasing-old-movie_2244530.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d3b/craig-ferguson-664_able_the-whole-idea-of-re-releasing-old-movie_2244530.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d3b/craig-ferguson-664_able_the-whole-idea-of-re-releasing-old-movie_2244530.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they're going to re-release an old…” — Craig Ferguson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 23, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I don't know much about the Supreme Court. If it's anything like the Supreme Taco, it's like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/i-don-t-know-much-about-the-supreme-court-if-it-s-anything-like-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/485/craig-ferguson-664_constitution_i-don-t-know-much-about-the-supreme-cour_169419.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/485/craig-ferguson-664_constitution_i-don-t-know-much-about-the-supreme-cour_169419.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/485/craig-ferguson-664_constitution_i-don-t-know-much-about-the-supreme-cour_169419.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I don't know much about the Supreme Court. 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I read it on Wikipedia.” — Craig Ferguson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 26, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/anyway-if-you-needed-something-really-dangerous-get-a-gun-it-s-easy/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/795/craig-ferguson-664_amendment_anyway-if-you-needed-something-really-da_752101.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/795/craig-ferguson-664_amendment_anyway-if-you-needed-something-really-da_752101.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/795/craig-ferguson-664_amendment_anyway-if-you-needed-something-really-da_752101.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.” — Craig Ferguson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 27, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/if-you-watch-cooking-shows-on-cable-they-have-lots-of-british-people/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7a8/craig-ferguson-664_britain_if-you-watch-cooking-shows-on-cable-they_808411.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7a8/craig-ferguson-664_britain_if-you-watch-cooking-shows-on-cable-they_808411.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7a8/craig-ferguson-664_britain_if-you-watch-cooking-shows-on-cable-they_808411.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. 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I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/donald-trump-showed-his-birth-certificate-to-reporters-who-cares/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de2/craig-ferguson-664_birth_donald-trump-showed-his-birth-certificat_3233112.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de2/craig-ferguson-664_birth_donald-trump-showed-his-birth-certificat_3233112.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de2/craig-ferguson-664_birth_donald-trump-showed-his-birth-certificat_3233112.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? 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That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/if-you-re-frightened-of-leprechauns-the-best-thing-to-do-is-to-get/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/168/craig-ferguson-664_best-things_if-you-re-frightened-of-leprechauns-the_1667076.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/168/craig-ferguson-664_best-things_if-you-re-frightened-of-leprechauns-the_1667076.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/168/craig-ferguson-664_best-things_if-you-re-frightened-of-leprechauns-the_1667076.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and…” — Craig Ferguson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 30, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Ferguson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/i-don-t-like-the-whole-blowing-the-candles-out-ritual-blowing-their/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/57c/craig-ferguson-664_birthday_i-don-t-like-the-whole-blowing-the-candl_2940128.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/57c/craig-ferguson-664_birthday_i-don-t-like-the-whole-blowing-the-candl_2940128.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/57c/craig-ferguson-664_birthday_i-don-t-like-the-whole-blowing-the-candl_2940128.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. 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