---
title: "32 Ifs Quotes By Conan O'Brien"
description: "32 Ifs quotes by Conan O'Brien. Plus more from Conan O'Brien and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f58/conan-o-brien-540_drunk_if-you-can-really-laugh-at-yourself-loud_2816916.png"
---

> [If you can really laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/if-you-can-really-laugh-at-yourself-loud-and-hard-every-time-you-fall/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f58/conan-o-brien-540_drunk_if-you-can-really-laugh-at-yourself-loud_2816916.png)

> [If Sony's not going to show 'The Interview,' that's it. No more North Korean movies for me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/if-sony-s-not-going-to-show-the-interview-that-s-it-no-more-north/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f35/conan-o-brien-540_ifs_if-sony-s-not-going-to-show-the-intervie_468323.png)

> [Governor Chris Christie says if he's president, he will crack down on the sale of marijuana. However, that was before he was…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/governor-chris-christie-says-if-he-s-president-he-will-crack-down-on/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/018/conan-o-brien-540_brownies_governor-chris-christie-says-if-he-s-pre_2521800.png)

> [Don't be cynical; it leads nowhere. If you work hard, and are kind, amazing things will happen to you.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/don-t-be-cynical-it-leads-nowhere-if-you-work-hard-and-are-kind/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f94/conan-o-brien-540_amazing-things_don-t-be-cynical-it-leads-nowhere-if-you_607861.png)

> [The Republican-controlled House voted to repeal the healthcare bill. If that goes well, they'll see what they can do about this whole…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/the-republican-controlled-house-voted-to-repeal-the-healthcare-bill/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d8/conan-o-brien-540_bills_the-republican-controlled-house-voted-to_775461.png)

> [Critics say it's illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It's also illegal to run for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/critics-say-it-s-illegal-for-donald-trump-to-run-for-president-while/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37b/conan-o-brien-540_born_critics-say-it-s-illegal-for-donald-trum_2765077.png)

> [The top 15 contenders for the Republican nomination own at least 40 guns among them. If we elect a Republican president no…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/the-top-15-contenders-for-the-republican-nomination-own-at-least-40/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fd6/conan-o-brien-540_amendment_the-top-15-contenders-for-the-republican_1690196.png)

> [Bob Dole is going to be appearing in a Pepsi commercial with Britney Spears. Yeah, apparently Dole says that if this doesn't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/bob-dole-is-going-to-be-appearing-in-a-pepsi-commercial-with-britney/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1e5/conan-o-brien-540_appearing_bob-dole-is-going-to-be-appearing-in-a-p_957650.png)

> [Big night of television tonight for Barack Obama. Earlier tonight, Barack Obama aired a half-hour infomercial to attract more voters. Yeah. Yeah,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/big-night-of-television-tonight-for-barack-obama-earlier-tonight/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aab/conan-o-brien-540_barack_big-night-of-television-tonight-for-bara_1073386.png)

> [Patriots quarterback Tom Brady says he thinks it would be great if Donald Trump was president. Which is really weird because I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/patriots-quarterback-tom-brady-says-he-thinks-it-would-be-great-if/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8da/conan-o-brien-540_air_patriots-quarterback-tom-brady-says-he-t_1314092.jpg)

> [Herman Cain is out there, he says a lot of provocative things. He said America should build its own Great Wall of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/herman-cain-is-out-there-he-says-a-lot-of-provocative-things-he-said/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0c7/conan-o-brien-540_america_herman-cain-is-out-there-he-says-a-lot-o_1826710.png)

> [This is serious, if Martha gets the maximum sentence on all counts, she could serve 20 years in prison. Of course, you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/this-is-serious-if-martha-gets-the-maximum-sentence-on-all-counts-she/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6a3/conan-o-brien-540_behavior_this-is-serious-if-martha-gets-the-maxim_949680.png)

> [The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/the-romneys-have-a-horse-competing-in-the-olympics-ann-romney-s-horse/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1c0/conan-o-brien-540_competing_the-romneys-have-a-horse-competing-in-th_1989040.jpg)

> [Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/some-people-are-saying-that-the-reason-michael-phelps-isn-t-doing-so/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/67c/conan-o-brien-540_five_some-people-are-saying-that-the-reason-m_339767.png)

> [A group of psychologists say they have discovered twenty-three different body language indicators that show whether or not a person is lying.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/a-group-of-psychologists-say-they-have-discovered-twenty-three/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f0/conan-o-brien-540_body_a-group-of-psychologists-say-they-have-d_748179.png)

> [Texas Senator Ted Cruz said if elected president he would abolish the Department of Education. But not to worry. He promised to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/texas-senator-ted-cruz-said-if-elected-president-he-would-abolish-the/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0d8/conan-o-brien-540_abolish_texas-senator-ted-cruz-said-if-elected-p_2758984.png)

> [Lindsey Graham is now the seventh Republican running for president. If you're keeping score, that's basically one Republican candidate for every two…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/lindsey-graham-is-now-the-seventh-republican-running-for-president-if/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c54/conan-o-brien-540_candidates_lindsey-graham-is-now-the-seventh-republ_2582808.png)

> [Los Angeles residents are going to vote on a tax on anything sold in a medical marijuana dispensary. If the measure passes…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/los-angeles-residents-are-going-to-vote-on-a-tax-on-anything-sold-in/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/080/conan-o-brien-540_cities_los-angeles-residents-are-going-to-vote_1667823.jpg)

> [Jeb Bush admitted that he smoked a notable amount of pot in school. He said, 'You would too if your parents had…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/jeb-bush-admitted-that-he-smoked-a-notable-amount-of-pot-in-school-he/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d5/conan-o-brien-540_amount_jeb-bush-admitted-that-he-smoked-a-notab_712545.png)

> [NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew The Apprentice. So some good may come…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/nbc-executives-say-that-if-donald-trump-does-run-for-president-they/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0f4/conan-o-brien-540_apprentice_nbc-executives-say-that-if-donald-trump_1442633.png)

> [People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/people-are-questioning-if-ted-cruz-can-legally-run-for-president/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6b6/conan-o-brien-540_born_people-are-questioning-if-ted-cruz-can-l_1711876.png)

> [Don't thank your parents. If you were raised in a nurturing environment, you wouldn't be in show business. Don't say, 'Wow, this…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/don-t-thank-your-parents-if-you-were-raised-in-a-nurturing/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/152/conan-o-brien-540_business_don-t-thank-your-parents-if-you-were-rai_2757827.png)

> [Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the Internet. Just a word of advice: If you want…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/egypt-has-responded-to-hundreds-of-thousands-of-protesters-by/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/381/conan-o-brien-540_advice_egypt-has-responded-to-hundreds-of-thous_1057251.png)

> [Congress is debating a kill switch that would allow President Obama to freeze all activity on the internet if there was a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/congress-is-debating-a-kill-switch-that-would-allow-president-obama/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/855/conan-o-brien-540_activity_congress-is-debating-a-kill-switch-that_1406857.png)

> [President Bush delivered a commencement speech at a university in Wisconsin. A very inspirational speech. Apparently Bush told the students, 'You can…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/president-bush-delivered-a-commencement-speech-at-a-university-in/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1ec/conan-o-brien-540_anything-in-life_president-bush-delivered-a-commencement_1321005.png)

> [Donald Trump said that if President Obama releases his birth certificate, Trump will release his tax return. Obama said he won't run…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/donald-trump-said-that-if-president-obama-releases-his-birth/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/563/conan-o-brien-540_birth_donald-trump-said-that-if-president-obam_832393.png)

> [It's starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you're in my line of work, Trump running…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/it-s-starting-to-look-like-donald-trump-may-be-a-serious-presidential/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/541/conan-o-brien-540_candidates_it-s-starting-to-look-like-donald-trump_1285719.png)

> [Facebook revamped its search feature. Now you can search for any post that has ever appeared on your page. It's helpful if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/facebook-revamped-its-search-feature-now-you-can-search-for-any-post/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8ac/conan-o-brien-540_features_facebook-revamped-its-search-feature-now_766439.png)

> [A European brewery has purchased Anheuser-Busch, the makers of Budweiser, for $52 billion. Which is a a shame because if they had…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/a-european-brewery-has-purchased-anheuser-busch-the-makers-of/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b6f/conan-o-brien-540_billions_a-european-brewery-has-purchased-anheuse_2681361.png)

> [Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/seriously-the-olympic-badminton-players-were-apparently-trying-to/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/875/conan-o-brien-540_badminton_seriously-the-olympic-badminton-players_105351.png)

> [The big story today, Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin when he criticized Republican policies by saying, you can put…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/the-big-story-today-barack-obama-was-accused-of-insulting-sarah-palin/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/afa/conan-o-brien-540_accused_the-big-story-today-barack-obama-was-acc_15949.png)

> [Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/donald-trump-has-come-out-in-favor-of-shutting-down-planned/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6b0/conan-o-brien-540_donald-trump_donald-trump-has-come-out-in-favor-of-sh_3204908.png)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by Conan O'Brien

> [A federal court has ruled that the U.S. Postal Service must reduce its stamp prices. The change in stamp prices is expected to affect…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/a-federal-court-has-ruled-that-the-u-s-postal-service-must-reduce-its/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

> [NBC is making a movie about Martha Stewart that will cover the recent stock scandal. They are thinking of calling it 'The Road To…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/nbc-is-making-a-movie-about-martha-stewart-that-will-cover-the-recent/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

> [People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/people-should-say-no-comment-more-often-no-comment-i-love-no-comment/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

> [A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/a-new-study-reveals-that-one-third-of-babies-in-the-u-s-have-used-a/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

> [Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/martha-stewart-showed-up-at-manhattan-fbi-headquarters-to-have-her/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

> [The big story today, Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin when he criticized Republican policies by saying, you can put lipstick on…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/the-big-story-today-barack-obama-was-accused-of-insulting-sarah-palin/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

> [LEGO has announced that they are shutting down their U.S. factory and moving it to Canada. LEGO employees say it's their fault because they…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/lego-has-announced-that-they-are-shutting-down-their-u-s-factory-and/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

> [A new survey reveals that women would rather give up sex than give up the remote control for the TV. Men, on the other…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/a-new-survey-reveals-that-women-would-rather-give-up-sex-than-give-up/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

> [Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New York Jets' doctor said,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/yesterday-the-dea-raided-several-nfl-teams-suspected-of-giving/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

> [President Obama gave a speech about healthcare tonight, and yesterday he gave a pep talk to students. He told them that in order to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/president-obama-gave-a-speech-about-healthcare-tonight-and-yesterday/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

> [The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/the-first-thing-men-notice-about-a-woman-is-her-eyes-then-when-her/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

> [“Disappointment leads to clarity, which leads to conviction and true originality.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/disappointment-leads-to-clarity-which-leads-to-conviction-and-true/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

> [John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don't know what they're doing. Then Travolta said…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/john-travolta-said-he-sometimes-lets-his-friends-take-control-of-his/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

> [President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha's basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/president-obama-filled-in-as-the-coach-of-his-daughter-sasha-s/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

> [President Obama and Vladimir Putin are both in China attending the same economic summit. Obama saw Putin and said, 'After those midterms, it's nice…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/president-obama-and-vladimir-putin-are-both-in-china-attending-the/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

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                        "text": "Donald Trump said that if President Obama releases his birth certificate, Trump will release his tax return. Obama said he won't run for a second term if Trump releases that thing on his head.",
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                        "text": "Facebook revamped its search feature. Now you can search for any post that has ever appeared on your page. It's helpful if you want to waste time this year remembering exactly how you wasted time last year.",
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                        "text": "Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost?",
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                        "text": "The big story today, Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin when he criticized Republican policies by saying, you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. Political experts say that if Obama keeps insulting Palin, he could lose the election and win a job at MSNBC.",
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                        "text": "Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property.",
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